I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
Bump. It's a while since I started this one. I can't imagine humour, irony or satire have died in the meantime. What about who said what when asked to do more with less, again and again, for example? Or little cripplers that emerged in the planning or execution of the same?
Spill the humour ...
Spill the humour ...
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
At mass bomber brief I asked the briefer:
The attack track is easterly and heading towards Russia. We are not supposed to scan in to Russia. How can we do a radar attack? (modified for brevity).
You could have heard a pin drop as 100 aircrew listened for the answer.
Afterwards the sqn ldr buttonholed me and said, good question but never stop me in it like that again.
He was a good example of the wrong man for the job but we became good friends afterwards.
The attack track is easterly and heading towards Russia. We are not supposed to scan in to Russia. How can we do a radar attack? (modified for brevity).
You could have heard a pin drop as 100 aircrew listened for the answer.
Afterwards the sqn ldr buttonholed me and said, good question but never stop me in it like that again.
He was a good example of the wrong man for the job but we became good friends afterwards.
"Access to Excellence" briefing prior to Phase 1 redundancy programme. Wall to wall "stars" telling everyone how employers were waiting for "the best trained workforce in Britain".
"Any questions?" "What about the recession?" - did not quite get hustled out like a heckler at the Labour Party Conference, but got the clear feeling my card was marked. Ended up as the thirteenth of 12 Admin wg cdrs to go on stage 1!
"Any questions?" "What about the recession?" - did not quite get hustled out like a heckler at the Labour Party Conference, but got the clear feeling my card was marked. Ended up as the thirteenth of 12 Admin wg cdrs to go on stage 1!
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There is a very good book by a Royal Marine pilot on attachment to the RAF who also doesn't seem to suffer people having a dump in his accommodation toilets.
Maybe the same guy.
They do seem to have a rather simple way of dealing with idiots of what ever rank, nationality, civi, military you name it.
Maybe the same guy.
They do seem to have a rather simple way of dealing with idiots of what ever rank, nationality, civi, military you name it.
Gentleman Aviator
Haven't trawled back through 48 pages, so apologies if I posted these before 
In the run up to the non-event that was Y2K, at a briefing for (primarily) his Stn Cdrs, C-in-C Support Command (the Scottish Air Marshal) asked:
"Are there any unforeseen circumstances we haven't thought of ????"
Some years earlier, a Stn Cdr applauding the recruitment of female pilots against the background of empty cockpits:
"If we recruit female pilots, we can easily fill all the slots!"
In the run up to the non-event that was Y2K, at a briefing for (primarily) his Stn Cdrs, C-in-C Support Command (the Scottish Air Marshal) asked:
"Are there any unforeseen circumstances we haven't thought of ????"
Some years earlier, a Stn Cdr applauding the recruitment of female pilots against the background of empty cockpits:
"If we recruit female pilots, we can easily fill all the slots!"
Last edited by teeteringhead; 29th Oct 2014 at 18:51.
PN - No. I spent 94/95 in the resettlement field, and was threatened with being banned by several COs/Stn Cdrs, etc for "depressing" the troops by telling them what it was really like getting "outside". I then got lucky - and I told people luck was an important element of job seeking, although the harder you tried the "luckier" you got. - I ended up for 10 years as Secretary of a very large yacht club, and my youngest had the most marvellous "Swallows and Amazons" childhood imaginable.
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Sorry pointious the RM do have a very strong use of the chain of command but if somebody is a idiot is seems to be fair do's that you give them a smack so they understand there stupidity.
They also don't mince words when confronted with someone that doesn't seem to get straight talk.
There was a RM Captain doing the post volcano bring back of people from Europe with the RN and after giving a statement about who was getting on some daft bint started going on about her particular situation. He let her finish and simply said
"have you got a movement order from the embassy?"
"err no, which is what I have just been telling you"
"well obviously your not getting on then, didn't you listen?"
They also don't mince words when confronted with someone that doesn't seem to get straight talk.
There was a RM Captain doing the post volcano bring back of people from Europe with the RN and after giving a statement about who was getting on some daft bint started going on about her particular situation. He let her finish and simply said
"have you got a movement order from the embassy?"
"err no, which is what I have just been telling you"
"well obviously your not getting on then, didn't you listen?"
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
MJ, 
, that could be my son in law as well. Can't remember the details but some sprog was trying to curry favour for his colonel. His put down of sprog was quite robust.
, that could be my son in law as well. Can't remember the details but some sprog was trying to curry favour for his colonel. His put down of sprog was quite robust.
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I have a mate that's going through officer training just now with them.
He is utterly loving it.
Which reminds me, must send him some calories through the post and a pair of cycling shorts and neoprene fingerless gloves.
He is utterly loving it.
Which reminds me, must send him some calories through the post and a pair of cycling shorts and neoprene fingerless gloves.
Late 1970s grammar school aero club tour of RAF Coningsby. Our teacher says to the small and very nerdy group of budding RAF teenage wannabes "now for christ's sake don't any of you buggers ask any stupid questions". If only I had listened.
A flying officer is giving us a tour around a hangared FGR2 when yours truly spies a couple of drop tanks lying off to one side.
The following exchange between myself and the FO remains etched in my memory.
"Excuse me sir !"
"Err yes, what is it"
(Clears throat) - "well sir, I was wondering what exactly is the capacity of those drop tanks in gallons ?"
"This is the RAF sonny, we drink and piss in gallons, fuel is measured in POUNDS"
I never lived that down, and also managed to fall asleep during the briefing about head-on attacks with the AIM-7.
A flying officer is giving us a tour around a hangared FGR2 when yours truly spies a couple of drop tanks lying off to one side.
The following exchange between myself and the FO remains etched in my memory.
"Excuse me sir !"
"Err yes, what is it"
(Clears throat) - "well sir, I was wondering what exactly is the capacity of those drop tanks in gallons ?"
"This is the RAF sonny, we drink and piss in gallons, fuel is measured in POUNDS"
I never lived that down, and also managed to fall asleep during the briefing about head-on attacks with the AIM-7.
Or how about something an Australian pilot wished he hadn't said.
Flying Mirage IIIs on detachment to some exotic Indonesian/Malaysian type locale the "lads" had downed large bowls of street vendor curry and beer the day before a session of 1v1 BFM.
The pilot feels a little "gurgle" as he enters the cockpit but thinks nothing of it and concentrates on the mission at hand - the Mirages enter a fast head-on merge at altitude and our boy calls out "ok 2, fight's on !!" on the RT and cranks the Mirage into a nice 5g turn, this triggers the bladder pouch of his anti G to inflate and a good couple of pints of very watery, odious diarrhea promptly squirts down the (unsealed) legs of his flight suit and into the cockpit.
Apparently his next transmission was "knock it off, knock it off, oh Jesus Christ knock it off !!!".
Flying Mirage IIIs on detachment to some exotic Indonesian/Malaysian type locale the "lads" had downed large bowls of street vendor curry and beer the day before a session of 1v1 BFM.
The pilot feels a little "gurgle" as he enters the cockpit but thinks nothing of it and concentrates on the mission at hand - the Mirages enter a fast head-on merge at altitude and our boy calls out "ok 2, fight's on !!" on the RT and cranks the Mirage into a nice 5g turn, this triggers the bladder pouch of his anti G to inflate and a good couple of pints of very watery, odious diarrhea promptly squirts down the (unsealed) legs of his flight suit and into the cockpit.
Apparently his next transmission was "knock it off, knock it off, oh Jesus Christ knock it off !!!".
Returning to the 'Royal' in Afghanistan.
It was a very interesting book and there is no doubting this chap's personal skill, commitment and bravery etc. However, for me the book was spoiled because it was full of foul mouthed language, which was both unnecessary and probably OTT anyway. The descriptions could certainly have been accomplished without recourse to endless profanity.
I still don't get the problem of using a loo - is there something sacred about the bodily functions of a Chinook crew that puts their loo out of bounds to everybody else?
Old Duffer (who has an inside loo with a flush!)
It was a very interesting book and there is no doubting this chap's personal skill, commitment and bravery etc. However, for me the book was spoiled because it was full of foul mouthed language, which was both unnecessary and probably OTT anyway. The descriptions could certainly have been accomplished without recourse to endless profanity.
I still don't get the problem of using a loo - is there something sacred about the bodily functions of a Chinook crew that puts their loo out of bounds to everybody else?
Old Duffer (who has an inside loo with a flush!)
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
As Fonsini said, and not me, at the college of knowledge at Manby in the 50s, after a lecture on IRBM and Thor came the profound question:
Are there any underwater missiles? Long pause, torpedoes?, came the reply.
Of course, less than 10 years later came Polaris. I wonder if that cadet every thought "I was right."
Are there any underwater missiles? Long pause, torpedoes?, came the reply.
Of course, less than 10 years later came Polaris. I wonder if that cadet every thought "I was right."
Is it a measure of today's PPRuNe that, whereas the original thread was full of many humorous tales of military mis-statements, all that seems to of interest nowadays is the defecating habits of Royal Marines?
Or is this thread actually rather an accurate barometer of current military morale?
Or is this thread actually rather an accurate barometer of current military morale?
I was once sent to Vickers in Barrow to do some work on Trident in about 89 I think. At the time they were on strike so there wasn't much to do.
One day we arranged a tour of one the nuclear attack subs.
Our guide was a Captain and was explaining the plan for the day. "nice one mate" says I. Our Captain then explained in uncertain terms that I was not his "mate" and I should use much appropriate language to address higher lifeforms or ....
In a perfect example of comedy timing, my offsider Dave, pipes up "Got that -Righto Chief
"
Our Captain almost blew a fuse while Dave and I could not look at each other for the rest of the day for fear of bursting into giggles.
happy days
One day we arranged a tour of one the nuclear attack subs.
Our guide was a Captain and was explaining the plan for the day. "nice one mate" says I. Our Captain then explained in uncertain terms that I was not his "mate" and I should use much appropriate language to address higher lifeforms or ....
In a perfect example of comedy timing, my offsider Dave, pipes up "Got that -Righto Chief
"Our Captain almost blew a fuse while Dave and I could not look at each other for the rest of the day for fear of bursting into giggles.
happy days
Last edited by typerated; 29th Oct 2014 at 09:02.
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"nice one mate" says I.
First day at Hednesford, DI's milling around we hapless recruits, shouting out various orders. I find myself in a queue, eventually arrive at a table where guys are filling in forms and I say to the corporal ''got a pen mate?''.
'MATE, MATE! I'M NOT YOUR F***ING MATE! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?''
He didn't forget it either!
Relatively speaking, the corporal was probably more terrifying than the Captain.
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We had a nutter in our induction that was hard as nails.
He said to one of the Cpls " I suppose your nickname is ginger bollocks then?"
Resulting in mirth from the other training NCO's and a small nuclear explosion.
Strange thing was he never really stopped coming out with stuff like that. He must have done 10's of thousands of press ups due to speaking the first thing that came into his head. We counted one day 500 press-ups.
He was an ultimate professional with field craft and mil skills.
It actually became a point with the head sheds because he used to cheer their day up no end. So the NCO's trying to keep him away from them and them wanting to see him for the S and Giggles of what he would come out with next.
Everyone knew he wasn't meaning to be disrespectful he just managed it in usually a hilarious manner.
He even told the training Major he had missed a bit on his bald patch while camming up. Completely straight face and completely confused why some people were pissing themselves laughing and others appeared to want his blood. The Major just said "thank you young man for spotting that and giving me something for my speech at my daughters wedding at the weekend"
It surprised us all how someone could be so technically intelligent in regards to mil skills and tactics but so utterly clueless with what came out his mouth as comments.
He said to one of the Cpls " I suppose your nickname is ginger bollocks then?"
Resulting in mirth from the other training NCO's and a small nuclear explosion.
Strange thing was he never really stopped coming out with stuff like that. He must have done 10's of thousands of press ups due to speaking the first thing that came into his head. We counted one day 500 press-ups.
He was an ultimate professional with field craft and mil skills.
It actually became a point with the head sheds because he used to cheer their day up no end. So the NCO's trying to keep him away from them and them wanting to see him for the S and Giggles of what he would come out with next.
Everyone knew he wasn't meaning to be disrespectful he just managed it in usually a hilarious manner.
He even told the training Major he had missed a bit on his bald patch while camming up. Completely straight face and completely confused why some people were pissing themselves laughing and others appeared to want his blood. The Major just said "thank you young man for spotting that and giving me something for my speech at my daughters wedding at the weekend"
It surprised us all how someone could be so technically intelligent in regards to mil skills and tactics but so utterly clueless with what came out his mouth as comments.
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I don't have time to check back through 48 pages to see if this has been previously reported.
I know the guy who reputedly made this remark and though I tell it second hand it is totally believable. Our man, a pilot on 92 Sqn (the Blue Diamonds) had performed at an air display for King Hussein and was watching a Lightning solo aeros effort which ended up catastrophically for the aircraft and pilot and commented "that bugger borrowed five pounds from me last night".
I know the guy who reputedly made this remark and though I tell it second hand it is totally believable. Our man, a pilot on 92 Sqn (the Blue Diamonds) had performed at an air display for King Hussein and was watching a Lightning solo aeros effort which ended up catastrophically for the aircraft and pilot and commented "that bugger borrowed five pounds from me last night".