I Wish I Hadn't Said That ...
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Guest
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Back in the days where the "All Stations" ATC call used to be "Combine", I was taxying out at Swinderby in my Chipmunk, trip 3 I think it was. Beautiful summer's day and there we were trundling over freshly mown grass.
"Swinderby combine, Swinderby combine. New QFE...(blah, blah)."
Smack on back of scooter helmet by understanding ex WW2 instructor. "Why didn't acknowledge the new QFE?"
"Sorry Sir. I thought they were talking to the grass cutter."
"Swinderby combine, Swinderby combine. New QFE...(blah, blah)."
Smack on back of scooter helmet by understanding ex WW2 instructor. "Why didn't acknowledge the new QFE?"
"Sorry Sir. I thought they were talking to the grass cutter."
Guest
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Culled from a web page :-
Unexpected Reply
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
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Remember - You are always in the sh1t, it's just the depth that varies
Unexpected Reply
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
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Remember - You are always in the sh1t, it's just the depth that varies
Guest
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Alleged true story of 2 sen offs on the way to work at Main Building bemoaning the fact that the services were not what they used to be. In particular the fact that they don't look after our ex servicemen as well they might. As they came out of the underground they saw a young man sitting on the pavement in a dirty old coat with a box in front of him and a message on an old piece of cardboard which said "Falklands veteran" One turned to the other and said "See What I mean?" and pressed a £20 note in the young mans hand. The grateful recipient looked up at his benefactor and said " Grazias Senor"
Guest
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Back in the days when there were real aeroplanes at Wattisham - before we gave the place to the grunts and their infernal clattering things - there used to be the annual nause of the Charity Cocktail Party, which included a prize draw. Various folk were 'volunteered' to seek out prizes, including, one year, a certain Sqn Ldr. He was a rather serious chap and didn't always appreciate the boys' banter - so they decided to have a little prank. One particularly alcoholic lunchtime they did a bit of phoning around and left a note for him: "Please ring..........as soon as possible regarding the Charity Draw". Jumping at the chance of another donation, he phoned the number in earshot of the wind-up team:" Hello, this is Sqn Ldr ***** **** of RAF Wattisham - I understand that you would like to make a donation to our Charity Draw?". There was an icy silence at the other end, followed by "This is the Argentine embassy. We don't think we can help you!".
It was April 1982 and he hadn't heard the news that day!
It was April 1982 and he hadn't heard the news that day!
Guest
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I heard a tale of a chap working at an airfield in Oxfordshire, the one with the worlds largest radar o/h, feeding a shed load of F111s into Heyford. Plan was to peel them off the stack, point them at Heyford and get-rid-quick to the UH Director so as he could do his bit. Anyway, tale goes that after 3 or 4 ac had been free-called across the No 2 came back out, shortly followed by 3 and 4 (Not what was expected). The controller asked No.2 what was occurring only to be told that the runway at UH was blocked (I think the No1 had had a Cessna strike or something). 'Oh £u(k' thinks the controller, who now has little chance of getting a ciggie break, so decides to ring UH Director to find out how long he'll have to wait.
Controller:
"How long do you expect to be black"
UH Director:
"Res Ma Life Man" brrrrrrrrrrrr
[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 31 August 2000).]
[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 31 August 2000).]
Controller:
"How long do you expect to be black"
UH Director:
"Res Ma Life Man" brrrrrrrrrrrr
[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 31 August 2000).]
[This message has been edited by SATCOS WHIPPING BOY (edited 31 August 2000).]
Guest
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After WW2, my father was secretary to Admiral(FAA), and accompanied him to an RAF base for a goodwill (HA!) visit.
Prior to dindins in the Officer's Mess, a Wingco asked the old man's boss if he'd like a drink before dinner.
Admiral asks for a pink gin. Wingco clears his throat apologetically and explains that in this mess, it's tradition that they only drink beer before dinner. Admiral draws himself up to his full height, fixes Wingo with stare liable to curdle milk at 400 paces, and says:-
"The RAF is not old enough to have traditions - merely habits"
Prior to dindins in the Officer's Mess, a Wingco asked the old man's boss if he'd like a drink before dinner.
Admiral asks for a pink gin. Wingco clears his throat apologetically and explains that in this mess, it's tradition that they only drink beer before dinner. Admiral draws himself up to his full height, fixes Wingo with stare liable to curdle milk at 400 paces, and says:-
"The RAF is not old enough to have traditions - merely habits"
Guest
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One of HM's mighty Phantoms is scrambled off to CAP on an ADEX. Usual guff - Wattisham approach for 5 minutes, change to Eastern Radar for 2 minutes, then check in with Neatishead. Our heroes are Thrombo at the helm and R2 in the back.
R2 checks in: "Neat this is blah - Charlie 440,Tigerfast plus 10. Vectors to CAP?"
Back come the words from the fighter controller babe "Roger - make angels blah and vector blah blah blah"
At this Thrombo interjects "Now look R2, shouldn't you really have authenticated her before you accepted her directions?"
Quick as a flash R2 replies "Authenticate her? No need for that, mate - I've $hagged her!!"
R2 checks in: "Neat this is blah - Charlie 440,Tigerfast plus 10. Vectors to CAP?"
Back come the words from the fighter controller babe "Roger - make angels blah and vector blah blah blah"
At this Thrombo interjects "Now look R2, shouldn't you really have authenticated her before you accepted her directions?"
Quick as a flash R2 replies "Authenticate her? No need for that, mate - I've $hagged her!!"
Guest
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My wife tells this better than I do - she can impersonate HRH Chas & HRH Liz...
HRH Chaz goes to the passing out parade at the Durham Light Infantry. He's dressed in the usual military outfit, but he's wearing a hat that looks like the last person to wear it was Davy Crocket.
The parade goes off well. No one dares mentions the smelly old hat with the long fluffy tail that HRH is wearing.
At the Mess that night, a 2Lt finally drinks enough to ask HRH the question everyone has been dying to ask him all day :
2LT : "I think it went splendid, splendid, your royal highness" (grovel, grovel) "But I have been wondering, your highness, why, the most unorthodox, but rather wonderful" (toad toad) "unusual fur hat"
HRH Chas : "It was all Mummy's Idea. This morning at Breakfast, I said 'Mummy, today I'm off to Middlesborough, to see the passing out parade of the Durham Light Infantry'. Mummy said 'Middlesborough? Where the fox hat!' So I did!"
HRH Chaz goes to the passing out parade at the Durham Light Infantry. He's dressed in the usual military outfit, but he's wearing a hat that looks like the last person to wear it was Davy Crocket.
The parade goes off well. No one dares mentions the smelly old hat with the long fluffy tail that HRH is wearing.
At the Mess that night, a 2Lt finally drinks enough to ask HRH the question everyone has been dying to ask him all day :
2LT : "I think it went splendid, splendid, your royal highness" (grovel, grovel) "But I have been wondering, your highness, why, the most unorthodox, but rather wonderful" (toad toad) "unusual fur hat"
HRH Chas : "It was all Mummy's Idea. This morning at Breakfast, I said 'Mummy, today I'm off to Middlesborough, to see the passing out parade of the Durham Light Infantry'. Mummy said 'Middlesborough? Where the fox hat!' So I did!"
Guest
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Anecdote (hmmmmm) told by a Col from AGC (LSB)at a dinner a few years ago of a Court Martial in which he defended a young soldier accused of assault. Having left a crucial witness statement with the Chief Clerk, he explained to the court that he would need a short recess to retrieve it. The Prez says to the Col "fax it up" to which he replied "'Does rather, doesn't it sir!"
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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
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Remember: all landings are controlled crashes!
Guest
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Lossiemouth, some few moons ago.
Two ATC controller type ladies at Lossie, one of whom was always being told (in banter mode) by Jag mate "you've got a lovely bum".
Jag mate airborne one day hears ATC type lady's instructions and says "Roger - and you've still got a lovely bum".
In radar room, lady ATC controller type hands headset over to other lady ATC controller type and says "I think this is for you" ....... voice misident by Jag mate.
(Oh all right then --- the Jag mate WAS me.)
Two ATC controller type ladies at Lossie, one of whom was always being told (in banter mode) by Jag mate "you've got a lovely bum".
Jag mate airborne one day hears ATC type lady's instructions and says "Roger - and you've still got a lovely bum".
In radar room, lady ATC controller type hands headset over to other lady ATC controller type and says "I think this is for you" ....... voice misident by Jag mate.
(Oh all right then --- the Jag mate WAS me.)
Guest
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This bloke in the pub told me this, so it must be true:
USS Enterprise: 'Canadian vessel bearing abc, this is US Navy, suggest you alter course to xyz'
Canadians: 'US Navy,suggest YOU alter YOUR course to yza'
Big E: "Canadian vessel, this is USS Enterprise - alter your course to xyz'
Canadians: 'USS Enterprise, alter YOUR course to yza'
Big E: 'CANADIAN VESSEL! THIS IS THE USS ENTERPRISE! THE BIGGEST, FASTEST AND MOST POWERFUL WARSHIP THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! ALTER YOUR COURSE TO XYZ IMMEDIATELY!'
Canadians: 'USS Enterprise. We're a lighthouse. Your call."
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S. Potter, Esq
"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!"
USS Enterprise: 'Canadian vessel bearing abc, this is US Navy, suggest you alter course to xyz'
Canadians: 'US Navy,suggest YOU alter YOUR course to yza'
Big E: "Canadian vessel, this is USS Enterprise - alter your course to xyz'
Canadians: 'USS Enterprise, alter YOUR course to yza'
Big E: 'CANADIAN VESSEL! THIS IS THE USS ENTERPRISE! THE BIGGEST, FASTEST AND MOST POWERFUL WARSHIP THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN! ALTER YOUR COURSE TO XYZ IMMEDIATELY!'
Canadians: 'USS Enterprise. We're a lighthouse. Your call."
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S. Potter, Esq
"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!"
Guest
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A good friend told me the following:
Male Air Trafficker notices one morning that a new, very sexy female voice is has started chatting to him over the radio.
Male Air Trafficker turns on the charm, which seems to wind the lassie in the cockpit up a little bit.
Lady Pilot: "Excuse me tower, but where exactly does FLIRTING come in the pre-takeoff checks?"
Chappie in the tower replies fast as lightning: "After flaps!".
Oh dear, if only she knew what she'd missed.......
Male Air Trafficker notices one morning that a new, very sexy female voice is has started chatting to him over the radio.
Male Air Trafficker turns on the charm, which seems to wind the lassie in the cockpit up a little bit.
Lady Pilot: "Excuse me tower, but where exactly does FLIRTING come in the pre-takeoff checks?"
Chappie in the tower replies fast as lightning: "After flaps!".
Oh dear, if only she knew what she'd missed.......
Guest
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Brilliant, just bloody brilliant. Came in from BOS this pm, should have gorn to bed hours ago, but had to read every bit of this thread. It's a classic, the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Keep it up, people - and someone get it published!
Guest
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SATCO's Whipping Boy must be a youngster, the biggest Radar O/H in the world was based at Luffenham and included the Oxford one (and our one in Norfolk) and more. But I'm showing my age and my allegiances!
Wee Jock, I was the mission controller who gave re-entry clearance to the nervous night flying JP stude - you may recall he got a "Clear splashdown" for landing too.
Now really old jokes...
There was a Geordie Flt Sgt bored to tears in the top tower who gave a joining clearance to some returning steely-eyed QFI then, quietly removing his foot from the transmit, continued unbroken "No on second thoughts f&&k off, I don't want any more f$%^£&g JPs in my circuit". Apply restraints to the DI please!
Wee Jock, I was the mission controller who gave re-entry clearance to the nervous night flying JP stude - you may recall he got a "Clear splashdown" for landing too.
Now really old jokes...
There was a Geordie Flt Sgt bored to tears in the top tower who gave a joining clearance to some returning steely-eyed QFI then, quietly removing his foot from the transmit, continued unbroken "No on second thoughts f&&k off, I don't want any more f$%^£&g JPs in my circuit". Apply restraints to the DI please!
Guest
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A while ago a student from the Emerald Isle was going through HM's finest chopper school with, what has to be said, a fairly clumsy set of hands.
During one particularly shambolic sortie, after much hint-dropping and "why don't you?"s, the wizzened old Yoda of an instructor turns to Bloggs and asks:
"Why, when I'm doing my best to help you, do you still insist on ignoring every word I say?"
"Well, sir,.....(blah blah blah etc, long winded excuse blah blah!)"
"Wrong, I'll tell you why. I'm speaking to you in English but you're listening to me in f***ing Irish."
During one particularly shambolic sortie, after much hint-dropping and "why don't you?"s, the wizzened old Yoda of an instructor turns to Bloggs and asks:
"Why, when I'm doing my best to help you, do you still insist on ignoring every word I say?"
"Well, sir,.....(blah blah blah etc, long winded excuse blah blah!)"
"Wrong, I'll tell you why. I'm speaking to you in English but you're listening to me in f***ing Irish."