Military AviationA forum for the professionals who fly military hardware. Also for the backroom boys and girls who support the flying and maintain the equipment, and without whom nothing would ever leave the ground. All armies, navies and air forces of the world equally welcome here.
As a new poster, I hope you can help me. I am the PMC at a Dinner Night next week, where apart from my Boss and myself the rest of the guests are Army (from an array of cap badges). A smattering of civvies/ladies as well, so that may measure my content(!), however I am trying to see if there are any good RAF/Army banter jokes/stories I can start with or use through the dinner.
A famous (at EGDL) MALM strips off & wearing a towel round his waist walks past all the Pongo pax to the toilet, pulls the curtain around & wets his hair using the emergency water flasks. Emerges a few mins later toweling off & returns to flightdeck to get dressed. Pongo Officer appears & 'as the Colonel is rather sweaty might he use the shower?' to which he is emphatically told 'it's for aircrew only'. MALM makes a big fuss about no one else using it whilst the Pongo also gets more heated. On arriving at destination the Colonel makes a formal complaint about the obtuse behaviour of the C130 crew in not allowing him to use the shower and it gets all the way to MOD before it's pointed out that the C130 doesn't have one!
There was the RAF Canberra pilot on detachment as liaison during a land/air exercise at Sennelager in the 60s who, at breakfast in the tent, fell foul of an old (supposed) Army tradition.
Being ignored by the only other person at the table when he asked for the marmalade to be passed, he repeated his request louder. Still ignored, he asked again LOUDER!
The Army officer, now clearly irritated, then responded with: 'Don't you know that when an Army officer wears his hat to breakfast he does not wish to be spoken to!
The RAF Officer, somewhat taken aback, raised his Size 10 Flying boots from the floor, planted one of them firmly in the Army chap's Corn Flakes and said: 'And when a Canberra pilot puts his boot in your Corn Flakes it means PASS THE F*CKING MARMALADE!
Situation: Army Colonel flying on a jolly in the Nimrod. While watching an NCO operator performing his magic he keeps refering to the FS operator as "Staff". Operator informs the Colonel that he is a Flight Sergeant not a Staff Sergeant. Colonel informs the operator that if he was serving in the army he would be a Staff Sergeant. Operator corrects the colonel by stating that if he was serving in the army he would be a Brigadier!
1. RAF officer and pongo officer having a pee at interval one dining-in night. The former finishes and turns to leave. Pongo says: 'when I was at Sandhurst I was taught to wash my hands'. RAF replies: 'when I was at Cranwell I was taught not to p*** on my fingers'.
2. The exchange major at BAH 1970 was briefing us about his role as FAC instructor. He told us of a pongo who was so thick, even the other pongoes noticed. He also mentioned that we (Hunter pilots) were so accurate we had to stir the stick to avoid making only one hole in the target.
Reading the previous posts, I fear that you might find things could fall rather flat, given the audience you have indicated.
Perhaps rather than try to do the Army down, you might score the odd brownie point by praising them up with a joke in which they come off best, rather than end up sucking the RAF 'hind tit' so the speak.
I shall adopt an army staff college story for your consideration and post it later.
You might be able to make something of an alleged event when an Army Major was being briefed on the capability and armament of the new in service Hawker Hunter. He was briefed on the weaponry and, having glanced at the single seat, inquired where the Chap who fired guns sat. He was appalled to hear that they were fired by an officer.
That said you might do well to follow the wise words of Old Duffer!
An aircraft was carrying the Army Staff College course, comprising officers of many nations, on a tour and staff ride. An hour into the trip the pilot comes into the cabin and says that the aircraft is losing height and all loose articles etc must be thrown overboard.
This is accomplished with great gusto but the pilot returns and says that an engine has failed and somebody will have to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the others.
A German officer stands up, marches to the door, turns and says: “God save the Fatherland”, salutes and jumps out. The aircraft is still losing height so the pilot calls for another volunteer. A French officer goes to the door and says: “Vive La Fifth Republic”, salutes and jumps out. Still the aircraft is losing height and a Para Regt officer gets up next, goes to the rear door, salutes and says: “Remember Goose Green” and throws out the Argie.
Not so much alleged. I was showing some pongo officers around a Hunter whilst on an FAC course, early 60s. One pongo was reluctant to go into the cockpit, but peered over the edge. He asked, "Where does your NCO sit?"