Good RAF Army Banter/Jokes
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Going back to the original question, was there not some famous quote about an RAF officer at some tri-service function being introduced as
"a member of the Cinderella of the armed forces", to which the reply was "I don't know much about Cinderella, other than the fact that she had two ugly sisters...."
"a member of the Cinderella of the armed forces", to which the reply was "I don't know much about Cinderella, other than the fact that she had two ugly sisters...."
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But if the aircraft captain had included the loadmaster it would have been called CRM, or working as a team
Pontius - You didn't tell us what the Nav said or did that would warrant his being duffed up in the first place?
CG
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CG, that indeed was no doubt the crime except that I don't think the squaddies knew that at the time.
It might have been like at the Lazy Leopard Lounge, tiered seating and everyone singing like a Glee Club. Naturally we did not know the words and thought that Ilkley Moor was a better song. We were encouraged to give a rendition which, IMHO, despite the vast quantities of Storz already consummed was rendered well.
However this Brit Nav down the front took exception and tried to get us to shut up until in turn he was told to be quiet by the Pianist
It might have been like at the Lazy Leopard Lounge, tiered seating and everyone singing like a Glee Club. Naturally we did not know the words and thought that Ilkley Moor was a better song. We were encouraged to give a rendition which, IMHO, despite the vast quantities of Storz already consummed was rendered well.
However this Brit Nav down the front took exception and tried to get us to shut up until in turn he was told to be quiet by the Pianist
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Thank you Pruners for being so helpful!
Obviously some whilst great may go down better than others. Bearing in mind I am sitting next to my Brigadier through the whole evening, one hopes he has a sense of humour or its curtains for me!
I will have to brief my Gp Capt to ensure that he laughs loudly and encourages others to do so!! True jointery!
Jamesman
Obviously some whilst great may go down better than others. Bearing in mind I am sitting next to my Brigadier through the whole evening, one hopes he has a sense of humour or its curtains for me!
I will have to brief my Gp Capt to ensure that he laughs loudly and encourages others to do so!! True jointery!
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Good luck James. My only advice would be not to go too far. The Army is much more tribal than the RAF and although I have some firm friends in the militia, they just don't have the same collective sense of humour the RAF does - not saying they don't have one, just that what makes a guards officer laugh might offend an LE AAC officer and vice versa.
no wessex in brunei - check wiki
Wessex 54Military transport version of the HC.2 for the Brunei Air Wing, two built - granted RBR not RAF or FAA but they were there
probably mean whirlwind - then it would be true
Wessex 54Military transport version of the HC.2 for the Brunei Air Wing, two built - granted RBR not RAF or FAA but they were there
probably mean whirlwind - then it would be true
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Before being dined out of the Mess at Guetersloh as one of the token Crabs, it was pointed out to me by an AAC officer that 'Army Air Corps' is an anagram of 'Sorry, I am crap' which, of course, I subsequently used in my speech after dinner. Though I did qualify it by saying that I didn't think they were that crap and, even if they were, they would not apologise.
no wessex in brunei - check wiki
Wiki is wrong about the Brunei Air Wing. I remember the first Wessex for Brunei transiting through RAF Changi in about 1970 because it overnighted in 110 Sqn's hangar.
Not that it matters. The only time that the RAF and Navy were out there together was during Confrontation and Brunei sub contracted Worldwide Helicopters then.
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Was "Confrontation" between the RAF and Navy, or were others involved?????
I believe the Navy was too busy chatting up the local 'talent' to participate!
Depending on the precise date, there were plenty of Wessex in Borneo 1965 onwards.
The RN operated 845 and 848 turn and turn about, orginally with the single engined Mk 1 and later the twin engined Mk 5.
To refer back to an earlier post the RAF had three guys with 845 (Harry, John and Al) so in a sense the RAF had Wessex in Borneo by proxy.
BomberH, the RAF and RN worked remarkably well together during Confrontation, particularly when the RN needed a Belvedere to lift a Wessex out of some remote place (except the occasion when the unslung Wessex started to swing and the Belvedere pilot stamped on the hook quick release, sending the Wessex to its unmarked final resting place somewhere under the trees).
The RN operated 845 and 848 turn and turn about, orginally with the single engined Mk 1 and later the twin engined Mk 5.
To refer back to an earlier post the RAF had three guys with 845 (Harry, John and Al) so in a sense the RAF had Wessex in Borneo by proxy.
BomberH, the RAF and RN worked remarkably well together during Confrontation, particularly when the RN needed a Belvedere to lift a Wessex out of some remote place (except the occasion when the unslung Wessex started to swing and the Belvedere pilot stamped on the hook quick release, sending the Wessex to its unmarked final resting place somewhere under the trees).
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OD, a nav, whom I met years later, was on Gannets. They were flying a barrier patrol off Butterworth and he crashed out on a spare bed in our room a couple of times during the night. Come the dawn he had gone. It was 20 years later that I met him at Buchan.
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500N
Funny you should say that.
I know a retired Army Warrant Officer (wasn't a Warrant Officer then) who was dropped in to Sweetwater canal during the Suez action. This was due to navigation error. He was not chuffed one iota. For those interested, his name is on a plaque in Leeming SHQ (or it was).
Haven't seen anyone yet mentioning Navigation and missing drop zones
I know a retired Army Warrant Officer (wasn't a Warrant Officer then) who was dropped in to Sweetwater canal during the Suez action. This was due to navigation error. He was not chuffed one iota. For those interested, his name is on a plaque in Leeming SHQ (or it was).
Story can be adapted to local situation.
Soldier in full combats, enters pub and says to barman: “Paddy (or whatever) give me a pie and pint and look sharp about it”.
The barman replies that he can’ serve the soldier ‘cause there’s an IRA man (or whatever) sitting in the corner and if the barman serves the soldier, the IRA man (or whatever) will blow up the pub.
The soldier crosses over to the man in the corner and asks if he’s the ‘whatever’ and gets a response in the affirmative – explain to Army audience that this means; YES. The soldier draws his bayonet and with two quick slashes he separates the ‘whatever’s’ ears from his head. He picks up the ears and returns to the bar where he says to the barman; “Now give me a pie and pint and no more of your lip”.
The pie and beer are produced in record time and the soldier slices the pie in half, puts the ears inside and starts to chomp away.
The barman (and most of you prunners) are aghast at this and he says to the soldier; “You’re the roughest, toughest British soldier I’ve ever seen; are you SAS, Parachute Regt or Commandos?”.
“None of those” says the soldier “I’m Pioneer Corps”
Soldier in full combats, enters pub and says to barman: “Paddy (or whatever) give me a pie and pint and look sharp about it”.
The barman replies that he can’ serve the soldier ‘cause there’s an IRA man (or whatever) sitting in the corner and if the barman serves the soldier, the IRA man (or whatever) will blow up the pub.
The soldier crosses over to the man in the corner and asks if he’s the ‘whatever’ and gets a response in the affirmative – explain to Army audience that this means; YES. The soldier draws his bayonet and with two quick slashes he separates the ‘whatever’s’ ears from his head. He picks up the ears and returns to the bar where he says to the barman; “Now give me a pie and pint and no more of your lip”.
The pie and beer are produced in record time and the soldier slices the pie in half, puts the ears inside and starts to chomp away.
The barman (and most of you prunners) are aghast at this and he says to the soldier; “You’re the roughest, toughest British soldier I’ve ever seen; are you SAS, Parachute Regt or Commandos?”.
“None of those” says the soldier “I’m Pioneer Corps”
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Thank you all again. Tomorrow night will be filled with regailed stories! Hopefully there will be no sense of humour failures!!
Writing the speech as I type (multi tasking!!)
jamesman
Writing the speech as I type (multi tasking!!)
jamesman
One of my NCO's went on a course at a large Army base. On his return I asked him how things went. He said the course was fine, but the NAAFI was a bit rough. When he went in, they Army types would be sitting with their feet up on the tables, quaffing and spilling their pints, spitting, swearing and scratching their parts while flicking fag ends at him.
"And you know sir" he said, "the blokes were just as bad!"
"And you know sir" he said, "the blokes were just as bad!"
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Could recount this story:
Infantry
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment
Lands on and kills snake.
Armour
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.
Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".
Army Medical Services
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Tornadoes, 20 Typhoons, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas say they do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.
Adjutant General
Respects and values the snake's unique contribution, irrespective of its race, ethnic origin, religion or gender and without reference to social background or sexual orientation. Loses interest.
How The Military Deal With Snakes
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment
Lands on and kills snake.
Armour
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.
Combat Engineer
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pay no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".
Army Medical Services
Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy
Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA
Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF
Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Tornadoes, 20 Typhoons, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistics Organisation
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M, generating massive workload at Grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2004. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas say they do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.
Adjutant General
Respects and values the snake's unique contribution, irrespective of its race, ethnic origin, religion or gender and without reference to social background or sexual orientation. Loses interest.
As an RAF sqn ldr I was on a long course at a then almost entirely army-manned base near Winchester. On the occasions that I had to mention to soldiers the normal courtesy of saluting officers, the usual response was "Sorry, Sir. Thought you were MOD Guard Force". A quiet word with the RSM soon sorted things out - anyway, not many of the guard force were entlted to a flying badge on the woolly-pully.