Meaningless management drivel
My own time serving the colours was during the days of service speak rather than corporate management speak still. Therefore, equally annoying at the time but holding a certain nostalgia now were; SNAFU, Heads up, going for a bimble, endex, kicked into touch, Duty (insert any character defect or unusual personal appearance), FUBAR, the impossible we can do straight away, miracles take a little longer and "when the sierra hotel 1 tango hits the fan"
FB
FB
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FB, very true, all walks of life have their own lexicon, somehow the TQM/modern management yuck-speak doesn't cut the mustard with me, or should I say ring true or is at sixes and sevens...
FO
FO
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Part of the problem, as I see it, is that much if not all of this execrable managementspeak is American based. 
Not, of itself, an utterly bad thing, but .... they neither use nor understand the nuances of the word bo11ocks. 
They use 'bollix', in a very narrow and limited manner, to wit; "to bollix something" - meaning basically to break or ruin it, but they do not use 'bo11ocks' and thus do not understand the world of meaning and subtlety between "complete ... " and "the dog's ..."
Roger.
Not, of itself, an utterly bad thing, but .... they neither use nor understand the nuances of the word bo11ocks. They use 'bollix', in a very narrow and limited manner, to wit; "to bollix something" - meaning basically to break or ruin it, but they do not use 'bo11ocks' and thus do not understand the world of meaning and subtlety between "complete ... " and "the dog's ..."
Roger.
When I worked in IT about a decade ago I was in an American owned company, and they loved all this 'corporate speak'. They sent over a senior director to give us a lecture on his plans for the future of the company, and it included a large number of examples of this 'corporate bullsh!t'.
One of the ideas that he spoke about was that we would all be working as 'teams' rather than as 'individuals', and he had 'designed' (wtf?) an easy mnemonic to help us remember what it all stood for - Together Everyone Achieves More.
As a parting-shot to his presentation he ended with "Remember, there's no 'I' in TEAM".
GofN, expecting a round of applause to cover any comments, said (rather loudly), "Yeah, but there's a 'U' in c&nt!".
Unfortunately, the round of applause for the speaker was not forthcoming, and my comments were heard by most of the back 9 rows of a 10-row audience, including my boss.
What followed could be best described as a "hat's off, no tea and biscuits" meeting with my boss and *his* boss, and a few weeks later with a "here's a P45" meeting.
But, in my defence, all my co-workers congratulated me on what I'd said, wishing that they'd said it too.
One of the ideas that he spoke about was that we would all be working as 'teams' rather than as 'individuals', and he had 'designed' (wtf?) an easy mnemonic to help us remember what it all stood for - Together Everyone Achieves More.
As a parting-shot to his presentation he ended with "Remember, there's no 'I' in TEAM".
GofN, expecting a round of applause to cover any comments, said (rather loudly), "Yeah, but there's a 'U' in c&nt!".
Unfortunately, the round of applause for the speaker was not forthcoming, and my comments were heard by most of the back 9 rows of a 10-row audience, including my boss.
What followed could be best described as a "hat's off, no tea and biscuits" meeting with my boss and *his* boss, and a few weeks later with a "here's a P45" meeting.
But, in my defence, all my co-workers congratulated me on what I'd said, wishing that they'd said it too.
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To all employees
It will have been brought to your attention through normal channels of communication that a fundamental and far-reaching restructuring of our organisation is currently at this point in time under way.
Basically this concerns each and every employee and it is important that we all understand the new game plan and are seen to be singing from the same hymn book, in order to reinforce our global vision as a quality driven organisation.
It is essential that we run this by each and every single one of you in order that nobody should feel that they are out of the loop at any point in time, and I myself, as managing director, in terms of my remit, will make a point of touching base with you individually within the foreseeable future. In terms of timescale, whilst it is not at this stage possible to quantify a precise time lapse, as a ball park figure, you can expect these meetings to be on the agenda within the upcoming month.
We have undertaken an in-depth gap analysis, in keeping with our strategy as a result-driven client focused global player, on our business model, from which we have highlighted number of items which have been benchmarked to carry us on a fast track to a win-win situation. In terms of our best practice, we need to revisit our vision of employee empowerment to ensure a strategic fit which will, whilst we grow our business, ensure total commitment to value added service levels and a leverage towards an unprecedented bottom line in which you as shareholders will all participate.
A paradigm shift is envisaged whereby our mindset becomes more and more focussed in respect of our knowledge base and the enhancement that this will bring to our global vision through best use of available bandwidth.
It is only by thinking proactively outside the box that we can develop synergies which will allow us to mature to global leadership in our industry. Reflected in our mission statement, our enactment of this vision of the future will be the dynamo that at the end of the day drives us forward into the 21st. century.
It will have been brought to your attention through normal channels of communication that a fundamental and far-reaching restructuring of our organisation is currently at this point in time under way.
Basically this concerns each and every employee and it is important that we all understand the new game plan and are seen to be singing from the same hymn book, in order to reinforce our global vision as a quality driven organisation.
It is essential that we run this by each and every single one of you in order that nobody should feel that they are out of the loop at any point in time, and I myself, as managing director, in terms of my remit, will make a point of touching base with you individually within the foreseeable future. In terms of timescale, whilst it is not at this stage possible to quantify a precise time lapse, as a ball park figure, you can expect these meetings to be on the agenda within the upcoming month.
We have undertaken an in-depth gap analysis, in keeping with our strategy as a result-driven client focused global player, on our business model, from which we have highlighted number of items which have been benchmarked to carry us on a fast track to a win-win situation. In terms of our best practice, we need to revisit our vision of employee empowerment to ensure a strategic fit which will, whilst we grow our business, ensure total commitment to value added service levels and a leverage towards an unprecedented bottom line in which you as shareholders will all participate.
A paradigm shift is envisaged whereby our mindset becomes more and more focussed in respect of our knowledge base and the enhancement that this will bring to our global vision through best use of available bandwidth.
It is only by thinking proactively outside the box that we can develop synergies which will allow us to mature to global leadership in our industry. Reflected in our mission statement, our enactment of this vision of the future will be the dynamo that at the end of the day drives us forward into the 21st. century.
Does body language count in this?
Does anyone remember the shift in the services from pointing an index finger and saying "Oi, you!", to the flat palm, 4 finger point?
Please tell me it wasn't as a result of some Neddy deciding that pointing might offend. (That was the case in the 80s with using expletives to subordinates, but no-one knew what expletives were, so no effect.)
CG
Does anyone remember the shift in the services from pointing an index finger and saying "Oi, you!", to the flat palm, 4 finger point?
Please tell me it wasn't as a result of some Neddy deciding that pointing might offend. (That was the case in the 80s with using expletives to subordinates, but no-one knew what expletives were, so no effect.)
CG
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The flat hand 4 finger point has always been described to me as the 'Warminster Point'. Normally used to identify 'volunteers' and a direction in which they were to 'double away'!
J_J
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From a few years ago and from an old thread:-
our intent in collocating ***** and *****, is to produce an organisation that will improve the effectiveness and efficiency of the RAF's contribution to the Defence Vision.
We will do this by building structures and mechanisms which facilitate cross-command planning and alignment as well as delivering shared services to both commands, all this underpinned by coherent end to end process ownership
WHAT?
our intent in collocating ***** and *****, is to produce an organisation that will improve the effectiveness and efficiency of the RAF's contribution to the Defence Vision.
We will do this by building structures and mechanisms which facilitate cross-command planning and alignment as well as delivering shared services to both commands, all this underpinned by coherent end to end process ownership
WHAT?
Seems the Americans don't use the word 'box' any more.
Apparently it has been officially replaced by container. So when you go flying on ops, you actually go into the container. And innovative thinking is now thinking outside the container.
Head is another word that has been replaced too - cranium. Missiles no longer have warheads, but warcraniums.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I heard that at a meeting during the week. But it seems the otherwise seemingly normal and vaguely sane USAF Colonel was deadly serious.
So to speak ...
By the time I was done with my USAF assignment, I was ready to hit the overhead whenever I heard cranium or container in its silly context, so to speak, not to mention going downtown. I was tempted to grab a few of them by their stacking swivels and slam them against the bulkheads until they saw sense.
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Last night on ‘The Apprentice’.
Alan Sugar : “That’s not what I asked you for ...”
Candidate : “Uh, oh, er, OK, I’ll take that on board.”
Sugar : “What do you mean, take it on board, you’re not a bloody tanker ....?”
Alan Sugar : “That’s not what I asked you for ...”
Candidate : “Uh, oh, er, OK, I’ll take that on board.”
Sugar : “What do you mean, take it on board, you’re not a bloody tanker ....?”
[QUOTEDoes body language count in this?
Does anyone remember the shift in the services from pointing an index finger and saying "Oi, you!", to the flat palm, 4 finger point?][/QUOTE]
Don't point - indicate!
Pointing at someone is rude.
Imagine scenario, briefing room, main man is all serious about this and that, and someone lets rip.
Now should he turn around and point at who he considers the culprit, and suggest he speak clearer if he has something to say, would be downright rude, and may lead to a false allegation and all the consequences involved. Ends up nasty.
All the better to turn around and indicate the general direction of the noise and inform the group that the noise maker may want to consider going for a crap as breaking wind is natures way of saying its time to drop the kids off at the pool.
Does anyone remember the shift in the services from pointing an index finger and saying "Oi, you!", to the flat palm, 4 finger point?][/QUOTE]
Don't point - indicate!
Pointing at someone is rude.
Imagine scenario, briefing room, main man is all serious about this and that, and someone lets rip.
Now should he turn around and point at who he considers the culprit, and suggest he speak clearer if he has something to say, would be downright rude, and may lead to a false allegation and all the consequences involved. Ends up nasty.
All the better to turn around and indicate the general direction of the noise and inform the group that the noise maker may want to consider going for a crap as breaking wind is natures way of saying its time to drop the kids off at the pool.
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Done a stint in IT at a council. Now that was some serious bull being spoken.
The team had all of 8 people, 5 of them with the word 'Manager' in the title.
We used to have team meetings and this tw*t of a manager would take the 5 other so called managers for a pre team meeting, meeting. I kid you not.
Wish I had taped some of her drivel. It was a masterclass in how to talk the talk but not actually do or be responsible for anything.
The team had all of 8 people, 5 of them with the word 'Manager' in the title.
We used to have team meetings and this tw*t of a manager would take the 5 other so called managers for a pre team meeting, meeting. I kid you not.
Wish I had taped some of her drivel. It was a masterclass in how to talk the talk but not actually do or be responsible for anything.
As noted above, it was due to the overuse of head and box in double entendres and wimmin in the cockpit.
Ex RAF Radar - she was probably ex-Army .... they also seem to be rather fond of their pre-meetings meetings.
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Lonewolf, if the pizza or fillet steak has just been served, and a scramble called, are you allowed a gobble?
Quite often bring my dogs onto camp for as run as it has lots of grass and some woods. So do others.
We now need risk assessments for each dog. However, due to the workload of the H&S Section (gone from 2 to 11 in 3 years), you are to carry out your own risk assessment on your own dog(s). You are also required to put up signs to alert people that there is a dog nearby.
The e-mail had no less than 6 links to 6 different MOD documents covering domestic animals.
All in favour of making it clear you are responsible for your own dog and clean up after them. All that needs is a single line in Station Orders.
This kind of bollocks is becoming more commonplace and we are fast becoming another beauracratic leviathon that is unable to do anything.
We now need risk assessments for each dog. However, due to the workload of the H&S Section (gone from 2 to 11 in 3 years), you are to carry out your own risk assessment on your own dog(s). You are also required to put up signs to alert people that there is a dog nearby.
The e-mail had no less than 6 links to 6 different MOD documents covering domestic animals.
All in favour of making it clear you are responsible for your own dog and clean up after them. All that needs is a single line in Station Orders.
This kind of bollocks is becoming more commonplace and we are fast becoming another beauracratic leviathon that is unable to do anything.
Aah, how things have changed since the heady days when following a fatal fall on the sation, the Station Commander told an official from the H&S Executive to go away, or words to that effect
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But wait, there's more - even in aviation:
Sent from a friend
"Thought you would like to see the notice that British Airways sent to its
pilots explaining what we in the US refer to as the "monitored approach"
method where on an approach to very low visibility and ceiling one pilot
flys the approach and when the other pilot sees the runway, he takes the
plane and lands.
This removes the problem of the pilot having to make the transition from
flying instruments and at the last minute looking outside and getting his
bearings" as the other pilot is already "outside". If the pilot not
flying says nothing by the time they reach "minimums", the pilot flying
automatically starts the "go-around" procedure as he is still on
the instruments.
Now try this actual explanation of this procedure from the British Airways
manual:
===========================
*** British Airways Flight Operations Department Notice ***
There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles.
This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. The titles P1,
P2, and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA
operations manuals. They are to be replaced by
Handling Pilot,
Non-handling Pilot,
Handling Landing Pilot,
Non-Handling Landing Pilot,
Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and
Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot.
The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the
take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling
Pilot for taxi until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the handling to
the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. The Non-Landing (Non-Handling,
since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the
Handling Pilot until after Before Descent Checklist completion, when the
Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing
Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.
The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude"
call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the
Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which
case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the
Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of
"land" or "go-around", as appropriate.
In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary
to restate them clearly".
Got that?
Sent from a friend
"Thought you would like to see the notice that British Airways sent to its
pilots explaining what we in the US refer to as the "monitored approach"
method where on an approach to very low visibility and ceiling one pilot
flys the approach and when the other pilot sees the runway, he takes the
plane and lands.
This removes the problem of the pilot having to make the transition from
flying instruments and at the last minute looking outside and getting his
bearings" as the other pilot is already "outside". If the pilot not
flying says nothing by the time they reach "minimums", the pilot flying
automatically starts the "go-around" procedure as he is still on
the instruments.
Now try this actual explanation of this procedure from the British Airways
manual:
===========================
*** British Airways Flight Operations Department Notice ***
There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles.
This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. The titles P1,
P2, and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA
operations manuals. They are to be replaced by
Handling Pilot,
Non-handling Pilot,
Handling Landing Pilot,
Non-Handling Landing Pilot,
Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and
Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot.
The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the
take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling
Pilot for taxi until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the handling to
the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. The Non-Landing (Non-Handling,
since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the
Handling Pilot until after Before Descent Checklist completion, when the
Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing
Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.
The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude"
call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the
Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which
case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the
Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of
"land" or "go-around", as appropriate.
In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary
to restate them clearly".
Got that?
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15 years ago yesterday I handed in the blue suit due to the increasing amount of C.R.A.P that was passing across my desk -
Constant
Recurring
Administrative
Paperwork
It appears nothing has changed in 15 years
Constant
Recurring
Administrative
Paperwork
It appears nothing has changed in 15 years
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GoN
I find the good old Brentism
always works well at pricking the pomposity without risking a P45
As a parting-shot to his presentation he ended with "Remember, there's no 'I' in TEAM"
True, but if you look hard enough you will find a me
