Meaningless management drivel
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I reckon words are like weapons.
Not as in 'the pen is mightier than the sword' , but simply in terms of 'there are no dangerous weapons, only dangerous people'.
Likewise, there are no wank-words.
If you see what I mean!
pb
Not as in 'the pen is mightier than the sword' , but simply in terms of 'there are no dangerous weapons, only dangerous people'.
Likewise, there are no wank-words.
If you see what I mean!
pb
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Try this?
The Language of Management
Understanding the jargon of management can be difficult; what follows is a practical and, hopefully, a useful guide to this modern idiomatic minefield. This system was prepared for use in the education sector where bullsh*t is everywhere but I guess it might work in the RAF...
Section 1 (Phrase construction)
This section should be used in this way:
Select any word from Group 1, add any word from Group 2 then add to these any word from Group 3.
The resulting phrase is guaranteed to be most impressive yet utterly meaningless but certain to subdue the inept and weakly aspiring; there are 15,625 combinations.
1
programme-generated; integrated; total; systematise; parallel; functional; responsive; optical; synchronised; compatible; balanced; multiple; heuristic; standard; full-power; sub-routine; pre-determined; methodological; versatile; elapsed-time; multi-stage; non-linear; homothetic; error-actuated; load-and-go
2
third generation; management; organisational; regression; monitored; reciprocal; digital; logic; transitional; incremental; policy; strategic; density; auto-correlation; sequential; macro-block; non-essential; word-mark; codified; re-run; zero-sum; isomorphic; stochastic; core-storage; audit
3
transaction-merger; options; flexibility; capability; mobility; programme; concept; time-phase; projection; hardware; contingency; analysis; throughput; processing; entropy; validation; schedule; parameters; obsolescence; violation; nexus; discipline; symbology; evaluation; network
Section 2 (Sentence construction)
When you have mastered Section 1 you are well on the way to becoming a successful communicator. The following technical writing kit is based on the Simplified Integrated Modular Prose System (SIMPS). Using SIMPS, anyone who can count to ten can then write up to 40,000 well-balanced and grammatically correct sentences packed with state of the art terminology. An officer discovered using this must therefore be very senior; you may not know it, but you might even be in the Presence of CAS himself.
To use SIMPS you must first arrange the modules in ABCD order; you then take any four-digit number and apply it to the modules. Using, for example, 8751, you would take Phrase 8 of Module A, Phrase 7 of Module B and so on. The result is a SIMP sentence; add a few more four-digit numbers and you have a SIMPS paragraph. After learning the basic technique, you can realise the full potential of SIMPS by arranging the modules in DACB or even BACD order. In these advanced configurations some additional commas may be required.
Module A
1. In particular; 2. On the other hand; 3. However; 4. Similarly; 5. As a resultant implication; 6. In this regard;
7. Based on integral sub-system considerations; 8. For example; 9. Thus; 10. In respect of specific goals
Module B
1. a large proportion of the interface co-ordination communication; 2. a constant flow of effective communication; 3. the characterisation of specific criteria; 4. initiation of subsystem development; 5. the fully integrated test programme; 6. the product configuration baseline; 7. any associated supported element; 8. the incorporation of additional mission constraints; 9. the independent function principle; 10. a primary inter-relationship between system and sub-system technologies
Module C
1. must utilise and be fully interwoven with; 2. maximises the probability of project success and minimises the cost of time for; 3. adds explicit performance limits to; 4. necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to;
5. requires considerable systems analysis and trade-off studies to arrive at; 6. is further compounded, when taking into account; 7. presents extremely interesting challenges to; 8. recognises the importance of other systems and the necessity for; 9. effects a significant implementation of; 10. adds over-riding performance constraints to
Module D
1. the sophisticated hardware; 2. the anticipated fourth-generation equipment; 3. the subsystem compatibility testing; 4. the structural design, based on systems engineering concepts; 5. the preliminary qualification limit;
6. the evolution of specifications over a given timescale; 7. the principle of commonality and standardisation; 8. and discrete configuration mode; 9. the greater fight-worthiness concept; 10. the total system rationale
Understanding the jargon of management can be difficult; what follows is a practical and, hopefully, a useful guide to this modern idiomatic minefield. This system was prepared for use in the education sector where bullsh*t is everywhere but I guess it might work in the RAF...
Section 1 (Phrase construction)
This section should be used in this way:
Select any word from Group 1, add any word from Group 2 then add to these any word from Group 3.
The resulting phrase is guaranteed to be most impressive yet utterly meaningless but certain to subdue the inept and weakly aspiring; there are 15,625 combinations.
1
programme-generated; integrated; total; systematise; parallel; functional; responsive; optical; synchronised; compatible; balanced; multiple; heuristic; standard; full-power; sub-routine; pre-determined; methodological; versatile; elapsed-time; multi-stage; non-linear; homothetic; error-actuated; load-and-go
2
third generation; management; organisational; regression; monitored; reciprocal; digital; logic; transitional; incremental; policy; strategic; density; auto-correlation; sequential; macro-block; non-essential; word-mark; codified; re-run; zero-sum; isomorphic; stochastic; core-storage; audit
3
transaction-merger; options; flexibility; capability; mobility; programme; concept; time-phase; projection; hardware; contingency; analysis; throughput; processing; entropy; validation; schedule; parameters; obsolescence; violation; nexus; discipline; symbology; evaluation; network
Section 2 (Sentence construction)
When you have mastered Section 1 you are well on the way to becoming a successful communicator. The following technical writing kit is based on the Simplified Integrated Modular Prose System (SIMPS). Using SIMPS, anyone who can count to ten can then write up to 40,000 well-balanced and grammatically correct sentences packed with state of the art terminology. An officer discovered using this must therefore be very senior; you may not know it, but you might even be in the Presence of CAS himself.
To use SIMPS you must first arrange the modules in ABCD order; you then take any four-digit number and apply it to the modules. Using, for example, 8751, you would take Phrase 8 of Module A, Phrase 7 of Module B and so on. The result is a SIMP sentence; add a few more four-digit numbers and you have a SIMPS paragraph. After learning the basic technique, you can realise the full potential of SIMPS by arranging the modules in DACB or even BACD order. In these advanced configurations some additional commas may be required.
Module A
1. In particular; 2. On the other hand; 3. However; 4. Similarly; 5. As a resultant implication; 6. In this regard;
7. Based on integral sub-system considerations; 8. For example; 9. Thus; 10. In respect of specific goals
Module B
1. a large proportion of the interface co-ordination communication; 2. a constant flow of effective communication; 3. the characterisation of specific criteria; 4. initiation of subsystem development; 5. the fully integrated test programme; 6. the product configuration baseline; 7. any associated supported element; 8. the incorporation of additional mission constraints; 9. the independent function principle; 10. a primary inter-relationship between system and sub-system technologies
Module C
1. must utilise and be fully interwoven with; 2. maximises the probability of project success and minimises the cost of time for; 3. adds explicit performance limits to; 4. necessitates that urgent consideration be applied to;
5. requires considerable systems analysis and trade-off studies to arrive at; 6. is further compounded, when taking into account; 7. presents extremely interesting challenges to; 8. recognises the importance of other systems and the necessity for; 9. effects a significant implementation of; 10. adds over-riding performance constraints to
Module D
1. the sophisticated hardware; 2. the anticipated fourth-generation equipment; 3. the subsystem compatibility testing; 4. the structural design, based on systems engineering concepts; 5. the preliminary qualification limit;
6. the evolution of specifications over a given timescale; 7. the principle of commonality and standardisation; 8. and discrete configuration mode; 9. the greater fight-worthiness concept; 10. the total system rationale
You can always try this;
http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/generator.htm
As we used to say......"Bull**** Baffles Brains."
http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/generator.htm
As we used to say......"Bull**** Baffles Brains."
Join Date: Oct 2002
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Granularity = detail
Fidelity = accuracy
Use of these will guarantee that the culprit has just graduated from Staff College.
Where I understand they teach dogma nowadays rather than doctrine
Fidelity = accuracy
Use of these will guarantee that the culprit has just graduated from Staff College.
Where I understand they teach dogma nowadays rather than doctrine
Episemological?
Do you perchance mean epistemological?
Do you perchance mean epistemological?
Nah, that's bollocks - it was just a typo as I was rushing this morning!
PS - I like perchance - another management word I haven't heard for a while.
Join Date: Nov 2001
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I think that Sat Driver's piece is a classic. However, it omits such gems as:
suck it and see;
spoiling the poetry;
it does what it says on the tin;
in the hours, days, weeks and months ahead (copyright-G Broon).
Still, them's the breaks, I suppose.
suck it and see;
spoiling the poetry;
it does what it says on the tin;
in the hours, days, weeks and months ahead (copyright-G Broon).
Still, them's the breaks, I suppose.
I thought I'd look at 'Wank word bingo' but sadly, or happily never got past Wank.
Anyway, a quick Civvy update for those currently in the ' hood.
Synergy is another word for redundancy. - Somebody else does your job cheaper.
Paradigm - so out of date its untrue, 2002 maybe, but 2008? Jesus, order me another 20 Typhoons.
Six sigma is of course an old method of reducing process variation, DSS (Digital Six Sigma) is the 'vogue' and the sooner you implement it, the sooner nothing happens.
I suggest that you concentrate on the 'Low hanging fruit' within your respective organisations.
Take care out there - its a jungle.
Anyway, a quick Civvy update for those currently in the ' hood.
Synergy is another word for redundancy. - Somebody else does your job cheaper.
Paradigm - so out of date its untrue, 2002 maybe, but 2008? Jesus, order me another 20 Typhoons.
Six sigma is of course an old method of reducing process variation, DSS (Digital Six Sigma) is the 'vogue' and the sooner you implement it, the sooner nothing happens.
I suggest that you concentrate on the 'Low hanging fruit' within your respective organisations.
Take care out there - its a jungle.
I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and make sure that we are singing off the same hymn sheet. At the end of the day it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if they do, someone else may have to pick the ball up and run with it. We therefore must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from the word 'go'. It is your train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a lot of irons in the fire, right now. We will need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the flash-to-bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to the left and, if they do, we will need to run a tight ship. I don't want to re-invent the wheel but we must get right down in the weeds on this one. If push comes to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball game. I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If AFHQ can produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and shakers are on side from day one. If you can hit me with your shopping list I can take it to the head honchos and start the ball rolling. If it goes pear-shaped, it is no good throwing our toys out of the pram or our teddy in the corner. Instead we may have to fine-tune it in order to do a re-gain. We'll be hung out to dry if it becomes a showstopper. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner here. If it all gets blown out of the water, however, I will be throwing a track. So get your feet in to my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row, I think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses. Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative, that we play with a straight bat this time around. We need to nail our colours very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to the beat of the drum. We are on a sticky wicket. I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my two cents worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must keep this very firmly in our sight picture or it could fall between the cracks. I don't want to be seen to be re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic but if the cap fits, wear it. At the end of the day, it's like a big game of Space Invaders; the aliens are getting closer and if we don't zap them it'll be game over for the lot of us. There are a number of wolves close to the sledge, and alligators close to the canoe, which need to be shot. As you are aware, it's a bit like punching a cloud round here. The heads of shed often play fast and loose, so it's stand by to repel boarders, I'm afraid. Right! Unless anyone wants to flag-up any bullet points I'll be in my office. My door is always open and I'm as flexible as a palm tree in a hurricane. The ball is in your court; don't let the wheel come off. If it unravels, your arse is grass and I'm a lawn-mower.
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One of the best bits of advice I've ever been given runs thus: "It doesn't matter what's transmitted, it's what received that counts!" I must admit, I use it often (too often) in meetings. Mind you, the new breed of 11 year old suits really don't understand "where I'm coming from"!!
Pip pip
ON
Pip pip
ON
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Overheard recently, twice in one meeting, at a fabled nearby HQ..........
"This plan really needs to gain traction"
This is a cue for a Homer Simpson moment with creatures dancing inside your head as your eyes glaze over.........
and the latest import from GMTV to hit us is; "......this is absolutely key......"
The word absolutely is so over-used its untrue, but the "key" marlarkey is even worse.
I agree that we need to shift more paradigms....probably into a large unused former hangar in Bedfordshire..........
SJ
"This plan really needs to gain traction"
This is a cue for a Homer Simpson moment with creatures dancing inside your head as your eyes glaze over.........
and the latest import from GMTV to hit us is; "......this is absolutely key......"
The word absolutely is so over-used its untrue, but the "key" marlarkey is even worse.
I agree that we need to shift more paradigms....probably into a large unused former hangar in Bedfordshire..........
SJ
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Ee, it's good to see the military catching up with education - we were blighted for years with Key Stages, Key issues, Key Planning and just about Key Everybloodything else and for all I know the poor b*stards are still trying to operate under a shower of bullsh*t from national and local government.
"Failure is a Key Avoidance Matter," as a highly paid Director of Education once told me with great seriousness and with all the gravitas at her command. God help us all.
"Failure is a Key Avoidance Matter," as a highly paid Director of Education once told me with great seriousness and with all the gravitas at her command. God help us all.
http://www.cynicalbastards.com/wankometer/
exscribblers's post scored:
Wank factor of 3.08 This level is classified as considerable.
Makes you wonder what it has to sound like to make 10.
exscribblers's post scored:
Wank factor of 3.08 This level is classified as considerable.
Makes you wonder what it has to sound like to make 10.