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Old 15th Aug 2003, 04:20   #1 (permalink)

Still behind the curtain
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Arizona, USA
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Plane going down (joke)

An airplane was going down and everybody knew they would crash in the ocean below.....

A rich lady takes off all of her clothes and puts on every diamond she has on her body! The passengers all look at her and say "What are you doing?"

She says "When we are in the ocean my diamonds will sparkle and I will be the first one they find!"

Another woman takes off all her clothes and covers herself with $100 dollar bills! The passengers all look at her, and she says, "When we are in the ocean the $100 dollar bills will be floating all around me and they will find me first!!!!!"

Then a black lady tears off all her clothes and just gets
butt-naked. All the passengers look at her and ask, "What are you doing?"

The black lady says... "GIRL, you know they always look for the black box first!"
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 07:25   #2 (permalink)
Before "Ze Germans" get here
 
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Wow thats bad taste, hope this one gets deleted quick. Start the clock.
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 08:39   #3 (permalink)

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Turkish, did you read the bit about the over-sensitive not coming into Jet Blast?
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 08:52   #4 (permalink)
 
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. . and in any case, it's an orange box - hope that isn't going to offend any Belfast Protestant ladies
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 09:08   #5 (permalink)
 
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A Priest, A Doctor, and a Lawyer are on a plane along with two young boys as the announcement is made that they are going down. There are only two parachutes.

The Doctor tells the Lawyer, "We have had full and rewarding lives. I think we should give the parachutes to the boys so that they may have a chance at a good life themselves."

The Lawyer, in typical lawyer fashion, responds, "Fu*k the boys!"

To which the Priest, who was napping, awakens to offer, "Do we have time?"


PT
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 10:55   #6 (permalink)
Before "Ze Germans" get here
 
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Clowns, Are you following me? Thats the second post in a couple of hours. I did read the Jet Blast warning but I also read the bit that said "Civilisation doesnt end here". And I think Jet blast is tamer than it used to be. We will have to wait and see.
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 14:36   #7 (permalink)
Anthony Carn
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Michael Jackson's plane went down in the sea.

He was found clinging to a buoy.
 
Old 15th Aug 2003, 18:45   #8 (permalink)

Prince of Darkness
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA and a Brit
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A Lufthansa bus is heading towards a ditching in the sea. The pax are told to brace. The highly experienced German pilot brings the craft in at a perfect angle dropping at the last moment onto a glass like sea. At which point the cabin crew start the evacuation process.

"Ladies and gentlemen in first class, please make your way to the emergency exits and life rafts at ze front of ze plane."

"Those passengers in business, please move to the exits closest to you and board ze life rafts."

"Those people in economy. Zank you for flying Lufthansa."

Ozzy
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 21:49   #9 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 2003
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Captain makes P.A. announcement to the effect that the a/c has to make an emergency landing.

Woman in window seat looks at bloke next to her and says 'Make me feel like a woman just one more time'

Without hesitation the bloke rips all his clothes off, thrusts them at her and says ' Wash these for me then.'
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 21:58   #10 (permalink)
 
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"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 22:13   #11 (permalink)

Prince of Darkness
 
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Some time ago I actually heard this PA announcement on a BA flight coming into LHR. The pilot comes on "Good morning ladies and gentlemen,..., for those on the right of the aircraft you can see the magnificant Windsor Castle. For those of you on the left of the aircraft, that's Croydon."

Come on, own up who was it here said that?

A joke:
While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to assuage most of the passengers, who sat back down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his back.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Ozzy
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Old 15th Aug 2003, 23:10   #12 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
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Two blokes in a pub. One says to the other "Where's your wife then?"

"She'll be on the 'plane now" replies the other.

"Going anywhere nice?" asks the first.

"No, she's taking half an inch off of the kitchen door.."

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Old 16th Aug 2003, 00:52   #13 (permalink)
 
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre le fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre le fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre le fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

(I'll get my coat)
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Old 16th Aug 2003, 01:53   #14 (permalink)

Plastic PPRuNer
 
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How do you know when a Turkish girl is......

.....Oh, never mind.
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Old 16th Aug 2003, 06:49   #15 (permalink)

Still behind the curtain
 
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Unhappy

Pleased to see some good return jokes. My original was just for fun and that's why it was labled (joke) and I don't see why Turkish should have taken offense. Sorry if I offended anyone.
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Old 16th Aug 2003, 08:02   #16 (permalink)

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Latvia, where've you been. Not seen you for a while (or has your Aunt Mary made some injudicious investments?)
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Old 16th Aug 2003, 13:37   #17 (permalink)
Anthony Carn
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Maybe Turkish delights (yess!) in being a spoilsport ?
 
Old 16th Aug 2003, 14:08   #18 (permalink)

Plastic PPRuNer
 
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Location: Cape Town
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...........because she's only wearing one sock!



Hi Latvia - where ya been?
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Old 16th Aug 2003, 15:08   #19 (permalink)
The Reverend
 
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Not at all racist Latvia, all the same Victoria, all pink inside; as I was told once in Indonesia.
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Old 17th Aug 2003, 03:52   #20 (permalink)

Still behind the curtain
 
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Angry

Onan and Mac,

Where have I been? Picked the wrong time for a vacation in Portugal's Algarve region. Too damn hot and smokey this year. Then got into an Email fight with the local BA station manager about customer service and Public Relations.

The snotty little twit told me it was my problem that BA in Riga had not informed me that it would cost GBP 36 for a round trip bus transfer from LHW where the Riga flight comes in to LGW from where the FAO flight leaves. "And, you were getting a discount," he added.

I told him I could fly Easyjet or Ryanair cheaper to Faro than the bus transfer cost. He told me to do it. I told him to take BA and put it where the sun don't shine. I guess its back to SAS or Finnair.

Other than that, been pretty busy at work with a surprising increase for wheel and axle sets for airport jetways.
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