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Old 30th Nov 2011, 20:36   #1 (permalink)
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Friday Jokes

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Old 2nd Dec 2011, 18:16   #3 (permalink)

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Hopefully this works

Last edited by Lon More; 2nd Dec 2011 at 21:12.
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Old 2nd Dec 2011, 23:25   #4 (permalink)
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If you want to go up, pull back on the yoke.
If you want to go down, pull back a little more.
If you want to go down real fast and spin around and around...keep pulling back.
Aviation proverb.
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Old 3rd Dec 2011, 00:17   #5 (permalink)
 
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I went for my medical today, and the Doctor told me I had to stop masturbating.

I asked why, he said because he was trying to give me a physical.
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Old 3rd Dec 2011, 00:57   #6 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
he said because he was trying to give me a physical.
Funnier when the Doctor is a cute female......
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Old 3rd Dec 2011, 01:47   #7 (permalink)
 
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BRIGHTER CRICKET

An interesting game took place here today, when the Hon. John Everhard brought over a team of the Old Bastardians to meet a team of Society Ladies captained by Mrs Wearwell. The proceeds were to be augmented by various lotteries, but the Chief Constable ordered all draws off.

After tossing was done with, it was seen that the men were going in first, and the ladies assumed their proper positions on the ground. The Ladies' captain, I noticed, was in the slips and this made it difficult to force things. Mr Hampton, however, succeeded at last, stands. The latter appeared to have dug himself in and was blocking steadily, resisting all Miss Pratts' efforts to draw him out. Unfortunately, when trying to pull to square leg, he completely missed his stroke and out came his middle stump.
Mr Woodcock followed and was at the crease for twenty minutes, displaying great patience, when there was a sharp appeal for Miss Conduct and the umpire's finger went up. Some slackness was apparent in the field when Miss Carriage dropped a sitter right in front of the pavillion, but Miss Wantcock managed to get her hand to a hard one and failed to hold it. Miss R. Soverhead drew frequent applause, showing her ability behind the stumps, but in trying to take a hot one she turned a complete somersault. The men were all out by lunch time.

In resuming, it was noticed that A. Testicle was dropped and not merely suspended as rumored.

Lord Foreskinner was in his usual position at cover point. The first two ladies, Phil Chambers and Poppy Tupper opened with great confidence. The Ladies' captain, Miss Fidget used the long handle with great confidence and great vigour and produced excellent results. Cox was tired, but he succeeded in bowling a maiden over. He kept a beautiful length, but his balls were inclined to bump, much to the discomfort of the Ladies. Little Miss Virgo Intacta was loudly cheered when she faced John Everhard, but she had not much time before she was sent up a long one that appeared to break back in her crease. There was an ominous click, and a groan was heard as she walked back to the clubhouse.

The were four more Ladies to come and, with rain threatening, it looked as it they would have their backs to the wall. Great things were expected of Major Tool and the Ladies treated him with great respect, but after he had been at the nursery for half an hour, he had failed to come off. Although he had been keeping his balls low, Miss Ophelia Pratt hooked one, much to the delight of the crowd.

There was faulty judgement somewhere, when Miss Philpott shouted "I'm coming" and there were cries of "No wait", but in the excitement, she started and ran out. She said afterwards "Mike Hunt was too fast for me". Miss Hyan Ready then faced the onslaught, but being too eager, she got her leg in front of a straight one. "I hadn't the time to open out" she confided.

The match was a draw, and Lady Comewell said she would like a return match, with the Ladies on top for a change.
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Old 3rd Dec 2011, 06:26   #8 (permalink)
 
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A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?
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Old 3rd Dec 2011, 09:21   #9 (permalink)
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green,red, Orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid!"
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Old 3rd Dec 2011, 10:04   #10 (permalink)
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I went to see the doctor.

I said, "Doctor, I've got this big ugly growth on the end of my penis."

He said,"Nothing to worry about, that's just your body."
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Old 5th Dec 2011, 09:44   #11 (permalink)
 
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Two lesbian frogs sitting on a lilly pad

One to the other........

"They're right you know, we do taste like chicken!"
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Old 5th Dec 2011, 10:46   #12 (permalink)


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Very Punny

I) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

II) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

III) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

IV) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

V) Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

VI) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

VII) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

VIII) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

IX) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

X) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Medicine Man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Medicine Man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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Old 5th Dec 2011, 13:11   #13 (permalink)

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Christmas Story for people having a bad day:



When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce

toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which

stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,

the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider

and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it

broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found

the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,

yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

tree.
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Old 5th Dec 2011, 17:41   #14 (permalink)


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Identity theft is serious these days:

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Old 5th Dec 2011, 21:34   #15 (permalink)
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Ah! Europe!

With acknowledgements to a friend also trying to work with the European Parliament:

A farmer named Bill was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Mac notebook, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get rewarded for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 6th Dec 2011, 03:04   #16 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers
Q. Where does the Lone Ranger take his rubbish?

A. 'To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump' (sung to the William Tell overture - there had to be a connection somewhere).

Q. How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?

A. "Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!" (likewise, must be sung, this time to the Batman theme of course!)

You rediscover all these wonderful jokes and more when you have school age kids.
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Old 6th Dec 2011, 10:38   #17 (permalink)
 
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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time.


I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of
drug use.


I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the
small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.


Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people!

How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like
this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before
prison ....


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Old 6th Dec 2011, 14:51   #18 (permalink)
 
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sisemen,

Quote:
so what happened to the previous 64,000 pages???
Housekeeping
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Old 6th Dec 2011, 18:46   #19 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hailstone
bummer - there was a lot of good stuff in there - any chance of that tread being made available somewhere but kept locked ?
It's still there, just scroll back a few pages ...

Friday Jokes
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Old 7th Dec 2011, 19:57   #20 (permalink)

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