A guy goes to his local Council to apply for an office job.
Interviewer : "Are you allergic to anything?"
The guy : "Yes, caffeine."
Interviewer : "Have you previously worked in the public sector?"
The guy : "Yes, I was in the Army; spent two tours in Iraq."
Interviewer : "That will give you five extra points towards employment. Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy : "Yes. A mine exploded near me during my tour in Iraq and I lost both testicles and one foot".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to employ you immediately. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm but I would like you to start tomorrow at 10.00am and continue at 10.00am every day."
The guy is very puzzled and asks, "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm why do I start work at 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know".
The interviewer replies "I have to commend your reply. All YOU have to understand that this is a council job and for the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks ... so there's no point in you coming in for that."
50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a “Kiwis Are Not Stupid” Convention. Prime Minister John Key says, “We are all here today to pruv to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer?” Ritchie McCaw the great All Black gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Key asks him, “Rutchie whut uz fufteen plus fufteen?” After fufteen or twinty seconds Ritchie says, “Eighteen!”
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, “GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE!” Key says, “Well, sunce we’ve gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place, end we have the world-wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum anuther chance.”
So he asks, “Whut uz sivven plus sivven?” After nearly suxty seconds he eventually says, “Twunty!” Key is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh and everyone is disheartened. Ritchie starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANUTHER CHANCE!” Key, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance.Rutchie, whut uz two plus two?”
Ritchie closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four!” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream:
OK, some more from the net, then. Warning! aviation content. To be used as applicable (wife/husband, chocolate etc)
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water. I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly.... I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mails to my wife/husband. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. I will be more imaginative. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number
The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.