A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
Sub-Contractor - A gambler who never gets to cut, shuffle or deal. Tender Submission - A poker game in which the losing hand wins. Tender Sum - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. Successful Tenderer - A contractor who is wondering what he left out. Architects Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven. Management Contract - The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin. Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. Quantity Surveyors - People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded. Lawyers - People who go in after the Quantity Surveyors and strip the bodies.
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 68
Posts: 133
Contracting - Another definition
The construction phase - The period when everyone is trying to keep out of the firing line whilst storing enough ammunition to sink everyone else's battleships if anything gets fired in their direction.
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han's. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Han's and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f****** one?"
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room out!
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk" Husband says "that’s not true....... sometimes I fancy a kebab"
A married couple had been out shopping in the town centre for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally
fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time but I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a huge smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my dearest love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
