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Old 23rd Dec 2011, 10:52   #101 (permalink)
 
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Jihadist Joke

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear,'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''He had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr, too,'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast these day's, don't they?"
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Old 23rd Dec 2011, 11:51   #102 (permalink)


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Friends of mine recommended the Rovers Hotel for me to stay in on a recent trip to Japan.

I didn't realise until I got to the 'Front Robby' that it wasn't quite what I was expecting! I could have had a Rubbery Time!

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Old 24th Dec 2011, 14:04   #103 (permalink)
 
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The Christmas Spirit


A married couple had been out shopping in the town centre for most of the afternoon.



Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".




The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally
fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time but I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"




Wife, with a huge smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my dearest love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

















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Old 24th Dec 2011, 20:49   #104 (permalink)
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An Ozzie version of this would be a hoot

Best of Jaywalking Video
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Old 25th Dec 2011, 07:48   #105 (permalink)

 
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Oldie but goodie....

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Old 25th Dec 2011, 12:31   #106 (permalink)

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Got a new motor Slash?
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Old 25th Dec 2011, 14:38   #107 (permalink)
 
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I was once asked if I liked Dickens.

I said "I don't know, I've never been to one"
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Old 25th Dec 2011, 15:58   #108 (permalink)
 
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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, suddenly yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy obviously did not have any whips on hand, but not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, has a timely flash of true inspiration. He opens the front door window, snaps the radio antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit, so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has gone with Paddy, let alone that she begged the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that, yes, she did.

The doctor then asks, "Was it perhaps outdoors, maybe in a vehicle?"

Colleen reddens in further embarrassment and admits to doing it outdoors.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor confirms, "I thought so because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Old 28th Dec 2011, 06:48   #109 (permalink)
 
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Der Liddle Fur Cap

Der next day vas Christmas, der night it vas schtill,
Der schtockings ver hung by der chimney to fill,
Der children ver dired und had gone to bet,
Und mudder in nightgoun, and I, going ahead,

Vas searching around in der closet for toys,
Ve crept around kviet not to raise any noise.
Now mudder vas carrying all her toys in her goun
Showing her person from der vaist down.

Ven, as ve came near der crib of our boy,
Our youngest and sveetest, our pride and our choy,
He opened vide his eyes as he peered from his cot
Und seed everything vot his mudder has got.

But he didn't notice der toys in her lap,
He chust asked, 'For who is dot liddle fur cap?'
Und mudder said, 'Hush', and laughed vid delight.
'I tink I give dot to your fadder tonight.'
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Old 28th Dec 2011, 10:52   #110 (permalink)
 
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I bumped into and old mate I hadn't seen for years.
''How's it going I asked''
''Bloody terrible'', he replies, ''I've spent the last two years looking for the wife's killer''
''Blimey mate'' I said, ''that's awful'',
He sobbed, ''I know, I just can't find one anywhere!''
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Old 28th Dec 2011, 13:09   #111 (permalink)
 
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A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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Old 29th Dec 2011, 15:36   #112 (permalink)
 
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I'm not an alcoholic. Alcohlics go to meetings.

I'm a drunk. We go to parties!
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Old 29th Dec 2011, 20:19   #113 (permalink)

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Old 30th Dec 2011, 08:15   #114 (permalink)
 
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A copper just pulled me over and said "papers?"

....I said "scissors!" and drove off....I totally won that one!
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Old 30th Dec 2011, 09:29   #115 (permalink)
 
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The reason i hate recycling so much is becuase it makes me seem like a complete alcoholic to my bin man.
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Old 31st Dec 2011, 08:29   #116 (permalink)


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The importance of capitalisation

Capitalisation is the difference between 'helping your Uncle Jack off a horse' and 'helping your uncle jack off a horse'.
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Old 31st Dec 2011, 14:13   #117 (permalink)
 
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Punctuation saves lives.

Lets eat, Grandma!

vs

Lets eat Grandma!
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Old 31st Dec 2011, 15:35   #118 (permalink)
 
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These damn lets eat anything, not just Grandma.
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Old 31st Dec 2011, 16:01   #119 (permalink)
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There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
...
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f!**_g potatoes!"
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Old 31st Dec 2011, 16:15   #120 (permalink)
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I first heard that story (or one similar) some forty-five years ago about a cleric eating in a restaurant.

He ordered an underdone steak and the waiter repeated "One bloody steak".

The cleric chastised the waiter, but the waiter then explained that it meant that the steak was to be undercooked, leaving blood in the centre.

Later, when the cleric was entertaining the bishop, he asked the waiter for a bloody steak, whereupon the bishop added, "Good idea, and let us have some fcuking chips, too!"
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