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Old 10th Aug 2017, 20:50   #10701 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
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Quote:
After the outbreak of Norovirus at the World Athletics Championships, the baton in the 4x100 metres relay is to be replaced with a toilet roll.

I guess you saw Matt“s cartoon in yesterdays Daily Telegraph.
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 20:50   #10702 (permalink)
 
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Old 10th Aug 2017, 22:37   #10703 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
Less work for the stadium cleaning staff?
That was my thought, too.
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Old 11th Aug 2017, 15:26   #10704 (permalink)
 
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Old 11th Aug 2017, 21:56   #10705 (permalink)
 
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Old 12th Aug 2017, 08:12   #10706 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
After the outbreak of Norovirus at the World Athletics Championships,
When you gotta run, you gotts run.
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Old 12th Aug 2017, 09:35   #10707 (permalink)
 
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Old 13th Aug 2017, 13:04   #10708 (permalink)
 
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What, ricardian doesn't work weekends???
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Old 13th Aug 2017, 22:51   #10709 (permalink)
 
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 03:14   #10710 (permalink)
 
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Checklist training.



Did you notice the section map taped to the windscreen?

Last edited by underfire; 14th Aug 2017 at 03:28.
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 04:29   #10711 (permalink)
 
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Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 1,243
There's a windscreen?
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 05:38   #10712 (permalink)
 
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Which one is the captain, the one with 3 bars, or the one with half a bar?
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 06:08   #10713 (permalink)
 
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A father texts his son:

"My Dear Son,

Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.
My best love and good wishes.
Your Father."

His Son texts back:

"Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

His Father replies:

"I know."
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 06:09   #10714 (permalink)
 
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Location: 57 North
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Re. post #10714
FO to Captain, who's this creepy guy with the camera at my side window?
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 07:07   #10715 (permalink)
 
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A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The farmer thought "Great - he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad.
"How fast was that calf travelling when he hit the cow?"
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 08:29   #10716 (permalink)
 
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began

wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
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Old 14th Aug 2017, 14:41   #10717 (permalink)
 
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Old 15th Aug 2017, 15:57   #10718 (permalink)
 
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Old 15th Aug 2017, 18:13   #10719 (permalink)
 
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Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialities, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.
Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.
Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.
Everybody loved it.
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Old 15th Aug 2017, 22:42   #10720 (permalink)

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Bill was on his last ever milk round before retirement. As he placed a bottle on one of his regular doorsteps the door opened and a gorgeous young lady in a negligee took him by the hand, led him inside and upstairs, gave him a serious seeing to then led him back to front door and handed him a £5 note.

Bill was very pleasantly surprised; he said to the young lady, "Thank you, but why ?".
She answered, "Last night I told my husband you are retiring and asked what I should give you. He said F**k him, give him a fiver".

NEO
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