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Old 16th Dec 2011, 20:07   #81 (permalink)
 
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Tigger 4

Tigger, you were a great loss to the Diplomatic Corps, we miss you.
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 20:44   #82 (permalink)
 
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I was directing a play and I thought I'd spice it up a bit by adding a lesbian shower scene. Some say I'm the fresh and bold thing theatre needs.......others say that I ruined the nativity!
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 21:19   #83 (permalink)
 
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I sometimes use the 'my body is a temple' line - the Temple of Doom.
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Old 17th Dec 2011, 13:48   #84 (permalink)


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Airline industry definitions

* Full service carrier : Padded seats, no charge for use of toilets.

* Low cost carrier : Bring your own cushions and toilet paper, credit card swipe for toilets.

* Cabin attendant : Two legged mobile device for extracting cash from captive audience

* Economy class : Conditions under which transportation of animals would constitute a criminal offence.

* Business class : Exclusive area for use of badly behaved airline employees' children travelling free.

* First class : Exclusive area for use of airline employees and government officials travelling free.

* Open-Jaw : What clients do when they find out what their fare will be.

* Double open jaw : As above, but when they realise that this did not include taxes and surcharges

* Passenger: Cargo that talks. Self loading freight.

* Airline Club Lounge : Paradise-like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures.

* Fog: Weather condition, invisible to normal people, generated by airports as an excuse for disruptions.

* NO REC : The passenger went online and booked his own flight.

* Direct Flight: 1) Connecting flight in disguise. 2) What civilians think a nonstop flight is.

* In-flight Snacks : Little treats sealed in a bag impervious to all but chainsaws. Guaranteed to spill when opened.

* Baggage Sorting Area : See "Bermuda Triangle."

* Codeshare: Magic trick in which aircraft from several different aircraft leave from the same gate at the very same moment to fly the identical route.

* Gate Announcement: Vital information delivered over a defective sound system and given by specially selected personnel with severe speech impediments.

* " We will shortly be landing, and the captain has switched on the seatbelt signs. Please return to your seats and fasten seat belts " :
Understood by passengers to mean "leap up and start pulling luggage out of overhead bins whilst aircraft is on final approach in turbulent conditions."

* "We have not reached our final parking postion. Please remain seated with seat belts fastened".
Understood as : Jump up and stand like sheep in the aisle pushing towards the exit doors which are still closed.

* Blankets and Pillows (archaic): Sleep-inducing objects said to have existed in primitive times.

* Minimum Connecting Time: Time it takes for an Olympic gold medal sprinter to run between two gates.

* Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle: Vehicle subject to paranormal effect. While waiting, every van will come by multiple times -- except yours.

* Overhead Luggage : Rectangular object expected to magically shrink from the size of a refrigerator to the size of a loaf of bread.

* Frequent-flyer Programs: Airline's term for Pandora's box.

* ARUNK: Sound passenger makes when sitting between two very large people.

* On Time Arrival : Obscure term, meaning unknown.

* On Time Departure : Cabin doors closed within 15 minutes of scheduled departure. Subsequent delays irrelevant.

* Unforeseen circumstances : the captain got lucky last night and overslept.

* Legroom : Small space which shrinks during flight and into which an amputee dwarf would have difficulty fitting his non existent legs.
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Old 17th Dec 2011, 15:54   #85 (permalink)
 
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* Airport Security : People deemed too excessive for Gestapo.
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Old 19th Dec 2011, 01:25   #86 (permalink)
 
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GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
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Old 19th Dec 2011, 13:08   #87 (permalink)
 
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The Funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"This time don't bump in to that flipping wall!"
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Old 19th Dec 2011, 14:16   #88 (permalink)
 
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Contracting - Some Definitions

Sub-Contractor - A gambler who never gets to cut, shuffle or deal.
Tender Submission - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Tender Sum - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Successful Tenderer - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Architects Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
Management Contract - The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Quantity Surveyors - People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
Lawyers - People who go in after the Quantity Surveyors and strip the bodies.
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Old 20th Dec 2011, 11:21   #89 (permalink)


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Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?


Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees,


And he begins to think totally irrationally.

Ever stop to wonder why? Well :

It's because she smells like a new car
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Old 20th Dec 2011, 12:09   #90 (permalink)
 
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We dreamed of having a car with leather seats when I was a kid. In fact never mind leather seats, we dreamed of having a car........
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Old 20th Dec 2011, 12:22   #91 (permalink)

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Old 20th Dec 2011, 13:54   #92 (permalink)
 
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Contracting - Another definition

The construction phase - The period when everyone is trying to keep out of the firing line whilst storing enough ammunition to sink everyone else's battleships if anything gets fired in their direction.
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Old 20th Dec 2011, 18:52   #93 (permalink)

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Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han's. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Han's and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
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Old 21st Dec 2011, 22:28   #94 (permalink)


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Paddy Has A Broken Leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"
"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate,
run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.


He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f****** one?"
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Old 22nd Dec 2011, 07:50   #95 (permalink)

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Old 22nd Dec 2011, 15:21   #96 (permalink)
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Old 22nd Dec 2011, 17:42   #97 (permalink)


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My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room out!



Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"
Husband says "thatís not true....... sometimes I fancy a kebab"
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Old 22nd Dec 2011, 19:50   #98 (permalink)
 
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A little girl is excitedly watching her mother unwrap her presents.

Mother unwraps a bottle and exclaims, "Ooh ! Toilet water".

"Eurgh ! What a rotten trick", says the little girl.
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Old 22nd Dec 2011, 21:52   #99 (permalink)
 
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One blonde to another:

"I've got a terrible headache & bruises on the back of me neck, I was just putting a dab of toilet water behind me ears when the seat came down""
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Old 23rd Dec 2011, 03:42   #100 (permalink)

 
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For all those lonely girls out there during this festive time -

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your tits

And finds in your presence you're not really a bitch.

So when you are lonely remember its true

Someone is w@nking and thinking of you!


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