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Old 14th Dec 2011, 23:05   #61 (permalink)

 
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Quote:
Anger management really does work.
Most people don't have an anger management problem - they
just have an anger problem. Some will manage their anger by
simply beating the shit out of some arsehole who deserves it,
while wondering how to avoid getting so bloody angry in the
first place. In my experience shagging the right woman helps
a lot.
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 23:10   #62 (permalink)
 
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gupta,
Wish I could do the same with the endless 'autodial recorded message'' cr@p telemarketing calls I get about every other day....

CJ.
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 23:18   #63 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slasher View Post
In my experience shagging the right woman helps
a lot.
Should be easy enough but trouble is how many of us **** up even that
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 00:31   #64 (permalink)
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I find it much simpler to collect their business card,
then in parking lots, find the most beat up derelict in the lot, write on the back of their card, 'thanks for parking like an f**n A**hole" on the back, and leaving it under the wiper...
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 01:03   #65 (permalink)
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 03:07   #66 (permalink)
 
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What Democracy Means to Me
by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation. Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds. Democracy is having time set aside to worship -- 18 years if you're Jim Bakker.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer. Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve. Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff. Democracy means free television. Not good television, but free.

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

I thank you.
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 03:57   #67 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Anger management really does work.
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 09:08   #68 (permalink)
 
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 09:20   #69 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
It's already done the round of various countries including Ireland And Oz..
and NZ ...." There was this Maori on Takapuna Beach ......... "
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 14:37   #70 (permalink)
 
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This is the best, most Interesting English lesson I have had to date.

Do you know that ‘listen’ and ‘silent’ use the same letters?

Do you know that the words ‘race car’ spelled backwards still spells ‘race car’?

And that ‘eat’ is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ‘ate’?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in ‘illegal immigrants’ and add just a few more letters, it spells:

‘Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non English speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-sh*gg*ng, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bar stewards with you.’
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 19:18   #71 (permalink)
 
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Tigger 4.....I've already been flamed for posting that!!
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 19:50   #72 (permalink)


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So has he now...
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Old 15th Dec 2011, 21:58   #73 (permalink)
 
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American football - HS scouting report

The 2011 high school football season is over and below is the scouting report currently making the rounds of Division 1 football coaches:

Wayfron P. Jefferson
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Florida in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a iPod in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name. Signing with Florida State..

Quinticious, Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Signing with North Carolina State University ..

Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell:
6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From La Grange, GA .. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick." Signing with the University of Georgia ...

Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said somethin' bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20/20. Signing with the University of South Carolina..

Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's. Signing with Duke University ..

Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six colleges. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.. Leaning toward Clemson University..

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:
6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Chapel Hill . Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.) Signing with the University of North Carolina..

College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 07:04   #74 (permalink)
 
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HOW TO COOK A TURKEY:

First, buy the turkey and a bottle of whiskey. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and put turkey in the oven. Take another 2 glasses of whiskey and set degrees at 375 ovens. take 4 whisks of drinky and turk the bastey. Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Bake the whiskey for 4 hr,s take the oven out the turkey and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of turkey. Now just tet the sable, and turk the carvey



Happy cristmas all ...hic !
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 08:22   #75 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Tigger 4.....I've already been flamed for posting that!!
Sorry! I missed that.
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 08:52   #76 (permalink)
 
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Since it's Friday........

The conversation turned to keep fit.

They looked at me disparagingly, and sneered 'You should treat your body as a temple'.

I do, I said. The Parthenon. Old,decrepit, bit keep falling off. And I appear to have lost my marbles.........
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 09:49   #77 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
American football - HS scouting report
You're lucky in the USofA. The real a**holes, like Giggsy, end up playing soccer in the UK.
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 13:53   #78 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
'You should treat your body as a temple'.
I do. I've desecrated it.
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 17:52   #79 (permalink)
 
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My body is a temple - it takes people all day to walk round it.
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Old 16th Dec 2011, 19:57   #80 (permalink)
 
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David Cameron has said the UK is a Christian country "and we should not be afraid to say so".


Is that the best joke since his 'Veto'
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