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Old 13th Dec 2011, 04:42   #41 (permalink)
 
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1. The Cape Times ( Cape Town )

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jackie Maxim, a
spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg , "but I can confirm
that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts (elevators)
and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there
are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'.
Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd
cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round.
I understand he is now working for Escom (state electricity supplier)."

2. The Star ( Johannesburg ):

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem
Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane . "Our nation's merchant
navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked
country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We
believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to
look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it,
and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject
all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The
Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can
see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable
gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other
side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard ( Kenya ):

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news
conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport . "A technical hitch like
this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not
patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya
Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from
Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin . "The forty-two passengers had
boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the
tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and
unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger
suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily
the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers
tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no
luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed
out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the
passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket
whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being
ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in
the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at
his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo , the bus Driver
stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back
to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.
Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his
bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting
20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo
mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the
nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious
passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the
consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more
has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back
into Zimbabwean society. .

Last edited by Solid Rust Twotter; 13th Dec 2011 at 04:53.
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 09:12   #42 (permalink)
 
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I would like to share an experience, to do with drinking and driving.

As you know, it’s not uncommon to have brushes with 'old bill' on your way home at night. Well I did something about it.

The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks. Well, after having far too much vino, and knowing full well I had probably had too much, I did something I’ve never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 19:14   #43 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
Did that once but had to walk last 500 metres as the Number 12 doesn't go down my road so left it at the bus stop.
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 20:14   #44 (permalink)
 
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Reminds me of when I was young and stupid, stationed in Germany and some 50 kilometers away from base, and not exactly sober. It was rural farmland and I was trying to hitchhike back but nobody would pick me up. As it turned out, I saw a truck (I think it was a milk tanker) pulling out of a side road and it had a license plate that had the letters of the town where my base was. The driver couldn't see me but I managed to run fast enough to catch the truck before he accelerated away, climb up on the ladder in the back of the tanker (like this picture) and ride it all the way back to town. I jumped off at the city limits and walked the rest of the way.

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Old 13th Dec 2011, 20:27   #45 (permalink)


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...not exactly sober and still running fast enough... - you wouldn't have needed any vehicle if totally sober, i guess.
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 20:40   #46 (permalink)


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Running fast enough reminds me of a lady who phoned the travel agency and said :

"I'm booked on a flight to Dublin tomorrow. Do I have to get to the airport before the flight goes?"

A: "Unless you can run at about 140 mph, it would be a good idea. But if you could run that fast you wouldn't need an air ticket."
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 20:50   #47 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
...not exactly sober and still running fast enough
It is amazing what one can do when faced with the possibility of hoofing it for fifty clicks. He was just pulling out though......
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 03:11   #48 (permalink)

 
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house
was robbed - the offenders had drunk all of his beer before
also raping his wife. A moment of silence and the guy says
"I cant believe they shagged my wife after only having five
beers!"

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for
poor black orphans. I said "Nah. Knowing my luck I'd win
one."

A missus says to her husband "If you start riding that new
bicycle I bought for you to work then we can get rid of the
second car." He replies "Well if you started taking it up the
arse and letting me cum on your face then we can get rid
of the nanny."

Got this text from my brother recently "Can I stay at your
house for a while? The missus kicked me out after she had
caught me measuring my c0ck. It just reaches the back of
her sisters throat."

My wife came in and said "I just don't know if I'm coming
or going these days!" I said "Judging by that look on your
face I'd say you're going, 'cause when you're coming you
look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle."

A mate of mine saw a fortune teller the other day. She told
him he would come into some money. Last night he fcuked
a girl called Penny. Now is that spooky or what?

The missus once asked me "When you're away on a 3 day
trip with all those sexy hosties do you ever think of me?" I
replied "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly."

Apparently that wasn't the right answer!
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 03:24   #49 (permalink)
 
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An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? ... You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 04:29   #50 (permalink)


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Quote:
It is amazing what one can do...
Sure. I'm quite a decent cross-country skier, but a beer or two can considerably add to the courage and stability (=not losing your balance half-way) of going down the tricky slopes. Which isn't exactly logical (unless you know it's called 'maximising one's personal powers').
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 04:46   #51 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
but a beer or two can considerably add to the courage and stability
You can bet that I wouldn't have even considered it had I been sober...
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 05:18   #52 (permalink)


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Some drivers get even more surprising SLF:
BBC News - Bear hitches a ride on Vancouver rubbish truck
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 07:04   #53 (permalink)
 
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I was sat on the edge of my bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, "You spoil those dogs.....!"
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 11:21   #54 (permalink)
 
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by David Cameron to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Britian with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be British with British clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the British.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are English,
You're entitled to
Sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared.
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 11:25   #55 (permalink)


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Tut tut radeng! Slap on the wrist for that one!
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 11:53   #56 (permalink)
 
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Oh Dear Radeng, I just substituted Juliar Gillard for David Cameraon & Oz for Britain,.....and I won't be the only in Aus waiting to be 'tut tuted' I can assure you!!
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 12:54   #57 (permalink)


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Quote:
Tut tut radeng! Slap on the wrist for that one!
... and there was me thinking Capetonian had a sense of humour...

Before you blast me back the one piece of wisdom that passed my first wife's lips was "In every joke there's a jag"... There is little that is funny that isn't picking on something or someone in one way or another... So take it for what it was, a joke not a horrendous breach of Political Correctness...
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 14:24   #58 (permalink)
 
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Might want to step back a little in case you get splashed with the irony dripping from CT's post.
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 14:40   #59 (permalink)
 
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It's already done the round of various countries including Ireland And Oz..

Quote:
'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'
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Old 14th Dec 2011, 22:45   #60 (permalink)
 
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Unashamedly pinched from a Dunnunda thread:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Rd, in Fairfield, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don,you're an arsehole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called arsehole #1. He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an arsehole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Arsehole, I live at 34 Oaktree Rd, in Fairfiels, I have a black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.

Then I called Arsehole #2.

He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, arsehole"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Rd, in Fairfield, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Rd. in Fairfield.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfield. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.
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