1 thread only - everything re. the London 2012 Olympics -
London 2012 Olympics As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been specially altered to embrace the culture of the area. A copy of the changes has been leaked and is reproduced below:
Opening Ceremony The flames will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium
In previous Olympic games East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.
100 meters sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from the cage 10 meters behind the athletes
110 Meter Hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc)
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within 3 attempts
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a browning automatic pistol or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.
Boxing - Entry into the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of larger, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fiji Rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
Swimming events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be arranged. Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be supplied by "The Verve".
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 5o KM Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford mental health in the community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Walthamstow Community Choir. The flames will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.
The stadium itself will then be boarded up by the council before local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler!
Latest News Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named "Calm Down" contest.
To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local area at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games
i dont see 'shoplifting' on the list .. or is that only a demonstration sport for the Olympics.
And Liverpool's also included the sport of TWOC-ing, requiring the contestant to hotwire a Subaru or Mitsubishi Evo fill it with teenagers and perform a number of burnouts on a council estate, before the alloted time where the evnt would move to a high speed chase through Toxteth.
Last edited by Bruce Wayne; 14th May 2010 at 11:39.
We are up s*it creek financially and thousand upon thousands are going to lose their jobs and the remainder will be on slave wages.
Nevertheless, we can spare 12 Billion (and the rest) to watch grown men and women Hopinng, skipping and jumping. Chinese biological freaks bending themselves into weird positions upon pain of execution when they get home, chemically enhanced morons running short distances for no logical reason whatsoever.
Ok, I do appreciate the majesty and technical difficulty of the female beach volleyball but that is only one activity out of a programme full of crap.
Who in their right minds spends their life eating lettuce leaves and drinking water just so they can jump further down a sandpit than someone else.
Atletics? The beam is pointless. One wrong move and your love spuds are turned into mash - what is the bloody point? Again, the sheer brilliance of the females on the floor exercises is not lost on me. I am so enthralled I sometimes watch it back in slow motion.
Swimming? Big deal, you can squeeze into a man sized body condom and hold your breath for 2 minutes - so what. Go to Amsterdam for the weekend if that's what you want. Fair enough, the underwater shots of the female swimmers turning is of technical brilliance, again enhanced by frame by frame technology.
And for what? A McDonalds type trinket that will end up lost in your dressing up box. Give me a break. The emotion is not lost on me I grant you. You only have to see the female athletes hugging each other closely to see what it means to them.
I felt very much the same about the Olympics in our village, (Whistler) however we held our noses and bought tickets (not in the first rush, but later when they were released locally at much better prices,) for bobsled, skeleton and ski jumping.
We thoroughly enjoyed the events. The atmosphere was great, even if the security etc was more annoying than an airport. People were in a good mood, the food was not too much of a rip off and better quality than the usual fast fare and the trtansport worked just fine.
We also went to a couple of the free events in the village, medal ceremonies and concerts. They were very well staged. though the concerts were not my kind of thing.
It was claimed in a recent documentary about the modern Olympics that the IOC had discovered at Olympia an ancient stone bearing an ancient carving of Baron de Coubertin's famous five interlinked rings. The IOC made a big fuss about it, until it was revealed, ho ho, that the stone was a prop from Leni Riefenstahl's 1936 film 'Olympia'.
The beam is pointless. One wrong move and your love spuds are turned into mash
I think it's time the Olympic games returned to it's home - Greece - permanently. This would ensure politics was minimised, the games once more meant something and would help their beleaguered economy too.