I was expecting an important telephone call the other night, so I slept with my mobile under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone and all there was in its place was a shiny new fifty pence piece. Damn that Blue-Tooth Fairy.
A guy owns a horse farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.
Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"
The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"
The Dwarf replies "A female horth"
The owner shows him a Mare.
"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.
"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"
Report from Private Investigator, Chen Lee to Mr Smith.
Subject: Surveillance of Mr Smiths wife.
Most Hon. Sir, U leave house He came to house He and She leave house I follow He and She go to hotel I climb tree and look in window He kiss She She kiss He He strip She strip He play with She She play with He I play with me I fall out tree I not see No Fee Very Sorry Chen Lee.
TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first encounter of lovemaking. In his highly aroused state, her husband of course readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Jimmy-Joe finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Jimmy-Joe scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. Jimmy-Joe was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
2 months ago the Russians found some 1000 year old copper-metal wires in the ground. According to Russian historians, this was evidence that the Russian ancestors already had phone-lines 1000 years ago. 1 month ago the Americans also started digging in the ground. They suddenly found 1500 year-old glass fibre wire. According to American historians this was hard evidence that the American ancestors already had modern glass-fibre internet-phone connection 1500 years ago. Well, last week, the Belgians started digging in the ground also. They continued for 2 days, but found nothing! According to Belgian historians this was evidence that the Belgian ancestors already had a wireless internet network 2000 years ago……….
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 5:00 pm and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles." "Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way. The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the monkeys on board. Panicking, he flags him down again. "What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!" "I did," says the bemused Irish fella," ... but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
Two blokes are flying in a helicopter and become completely lost. They come across a building and decide to hover next to one of the building's windows and ask for directions. They hover next to an open window and yell out to one of the office workers in the building,"Hey mate, do you know where we are?", to which the man in the building replies, "Yeah, you're in a helicopter". The pilot yells thanks and flies away. His passanger, bemused, asks the pilot how he could possibly be satisfied with the answer given.
Pilot: "Don't worry, I know where we are now." Pax: "Well where are we?" Pilot: "We're at Microsoft Headquaters" Pax: "How do you know that?"