A Glaswegian walks into a library in Glasgow and says to the librarian:
"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?" She stops doing her work, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says:
"F*ck off, ye'll no' bring it back."
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs,
"Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
Jim was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really hacked off.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Jim have been scheduled for next Friday.
Location: Back in the land of the singing aardvarks looking for the escape hatch.....
Age: 42
Posts: 1,207
Octopus walks into a bar and says 'I bet I can play any musical instrument in here.' Barman gives him a guitar and the Octopus proceeds to play it better than Hendrix or Clapton. Customer says ' bet you can't play the piano.' Octopus starts tinkling the ivories with all the grace and skill of Elton John. Jock throws the Octopus a set of bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles with it for a minute and looks confused.
'Ha! Can ye nay play the pipes mi laddie?' asks Jock.
'Play it,' says the Octopus, 'if I can figure out how to get it's pyjamas off, I'm gonna shag it!'
Mr and Mrs Blobby are in bed. Mrs Blobby says 'blib blob bobble blub, bibbly bob blobbly blib.' Mr Blobby says 'oh for ***** sake shut up and just swallow it!'
A man walks up to the bar and asks the barman for 9 of his finest malt whiskies (sp?) Barman sets them up on the bar. Man proceeds to pick each one up and knock it down in a oner. Barman to man: ' Excuse me for asking, but are you celebrating something?' Man: ' I certainly am. Tonite was my first ever bl@wjob' Barman: ' Congratulations!! Let me get you one on the house!' Man: ' No thanks, if 9 won't take the taste away...'
Hooker turns up at the local police station to register a complaint of rape, interviewing officer asks her when she was aware of the fact that she had been raped,
A guy goes to a prostitute who tells him that whilst she is very expensive, it will be the best sex he has ever had. however, to prevent him seeing, and possibly discovering her secret, he will have to be blindfolded. With some reservations he agrees; he pays her and they make their way to the bedroom. There, in the moments before the blindfold is applied, he is surprised to see what he takes to be geese attatched by coiled wire to each corner of the bed. He is conveyed to seventh heaven as promised and later,as he is leaving, he asks if her methosd has a name.
"Yes" she answers, "The four sprung duck technique."
Guy walks into a bar, orders a quadruple whisky and throws it down his neck as soon as the barman puts it on the counter.
'Blimey, you made short work of that,' says the barman.
'So would you, if you had what I've got,' replies the customer. The barman steps back a little. 'Oh, what's that, then?'
'About fourteen pence,' says the guy.
Heard this on the radio while stuck in a traffic jam outside Edinburgh. I was laughing my C..k off, hate to think what my fellow jamee's thought I was doing.
What's the connection between George Michael and a pair of wellies? They've both been sucked off in a bog.
A man walks into a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas behind the counter."Santa" he says "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"Santa sighs.He's really let himself go.The red suit's got lard,chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it.His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up,like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living."Well" Santa says at last " the business has gone belly-up,the traditional toy industry took a beating.I had to lay off some of the elves,make cutbacks in quality and we just lost our competitive edge.Plus we wound up the delivery side and sub-contracted out,but it didn't help.The receivers came in,asset-stripped us and we went into liquidation"
"Oh dear " says the man."I'm sorry,it kind of takes the tradition out of christmas in a way."
"Yeah" says Santa and manages a wan smile.
"Well enough of me and my woes,What can i get you? "
The man says " I'll have a large donner please"
"Sorry" says Santa "We're all out of Donner,will Blitzen do instead?? "
Female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a considerable amount of discomfort 'downstairs'. "Let me take a little look" says the doctor, and proceeds to kneel down and examine the afflicted area.
"I think I know what the problem is" he says, taking a pair of scissors out of his drawer, and kneels back down again and snips away for a few minutes, the dwarf woman clearly confused. After a while he stands back up. "Any better?" he asks. "Yes, much better! What on earth did you do?!"
"Not a lot" replies the doctor, "I just cut the top off your wellies!"
Two dwarves in a brothel. Both get themselves a room and a companion for the evening.
The one lies on the bed while his prostitute works her magic. Unfortunately for him, not being experienced in such matters, no matter what they try he simply can't get himself 'excited'. Clearly embarrassed at this, his situation is made all the more uncomfortable by the fact that all he can hear from his friend's room through the thin wall is "ONE, TWO, THREE, Hurrr! ONE, TWO, THREE, HURRR!"
The next morning he speaks to his friend again. "How was it for you?" His friend asks. "Terrible" he replies, "Tried everything but I couldn't perform. What about you?" "You think it was bad for you" he says, "I couldn't even get on the bloody bed!"
Woman walks into a BMW dealership and she spots a lovely M3 convertable. As she bends over to feel the leather, she inadvertantly farts. She stands bolt up right - terribly embarrassed. She looks round to see if anyone had noticed. Standing behind her was a salesman, acting very professionally. He didn't seem to notice.
"good day madam"
"Good day" she replied, thinking he didn't whitness her little trump..
"how much is this car?" she asks
"Madam..." replies the salesman with a straight face, "if you farted just touching it - you'll shit yourself when you see the price!"
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible:
On a Boots hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Asda frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Serve hot.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
