An Airline Pilot parks his brand new Porsche in front of the terminal to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Pilot grabs his mobile phone and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Pilot starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long its at the body shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Pilot finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody pilots are," he says.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?," snaps the Pilot.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworths. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 ...a lot quicker
than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.
He deposits $20.00 , and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits =
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st = floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get = better.
An Englishman dies and goes to Hell. The Devil is suprised he doesn't find it too hot and doubles the temperature. The man says it doesn't bother him because he worked as a baker and for 12 hours a day he was continually opening and closing oven doors. To annoy him the Devil increases the temperature to the maximum setting. The Englishman is still smiling: "Before baking I was a stoker in a boiler room for 20 years, so I'm not worried". The Devil thinks: "I'll wipe the smile off his face. I'll turn the heating off and freeze him!". To the Devils annoyance the Englishman is even more happy, jumping up and down and cheering despite the icicles. "I've turned the heating up and you were pleased. Now I'm freezing you. Why are you so happy?" the Devil asked. The Englishman replied: "My guess is England must have won the Ashes!".