A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
An Airline Pilot parks his brand new Porsche in front of the terminal to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Pilot grabs his mobile phone and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Pilot starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long its at the body shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Pilot finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody pilots are," he says.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?," snaps the Pilot.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing
organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the
best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest
beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me
ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet
coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over
their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a
Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then
neither am I".
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworths. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 ...a lot quicker
than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies.
He deposits $20.00 , and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits =
$20.00,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st = floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get = better.
An Englishman dies and goes to Hell. The Devil is suprised he doesn't find it too hot and doubles the temperature. The man says it doesn't bother him because he worked as a baker and for 12 hours a day he was continually opening and closing oven doors. To annoy him the Devil increases the temperature to the maximum setting. The Englishman is still smiling: "Before baking I was a stoker in a boiler room for 20 years, so I'm not worried". The Devil thinks: "I'll wipe the smile off his face. I'll turn the heating off and freeze him!". To the Devils annoyance the Englishman is even more happy, jumping up and down and cheering despite the icicles. "I've turned the heating up and you were pleased. Now I'm freezing you. Why are you so happy?" the Devil asked. The Englishman replied: "My guess is England must have won the Ashes!".
Fella goes to hell...his first day and the Devil walks up to him.....
" F*** me ! " what's up with you " said the Devil " You look terrible ! "
" Terrrible ? " says the man " Terrible ? I'm in hell for f***s sake ! "
" It's not all bad down here, it's all a rumour you know. Do you like a drink ? " said the Devil.
" Yeah I love a drink " says the man cherrily
" well , you'll love Tuesdays - that's our drinking day. Everyone has to go down to that bar down there and get blotto, all on me "
" That sounds great, says the grinning man "
" Wednesdays! You'll love them if you like a smoke ? Do you smoke ? "
" well that's what finished me off - I love a smoke " said the now happy man
" Well " said the Devil, " you'll simply adore our smoking day, everyone has to go down to that store there and get as much tobacco as they can and smoke all day from dawn til dusk, all on me ! "
" fantastic ! " cried the man !
" You're not gay by any chance ? " said the Devil
" Bollocks am I ! " replied the man
" That's a shame, cos you aint gonna like Thursdays then ! "
