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Old 15th Aug 2005, 15:43   #1 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The drunk tank
Posts: 2
Things you can't do when you're drunk...

1) Think straight (or rationally). Why is it that everythihg seems 10 times funnier when your smashed?

2) Walk straight - hand eye co-ordination simply does not exist after several drinks

3) Pi$$ straight - wet jeans, feet, toilet seat, toilet floor, toilet walls, etc, etc

Anyone else got anything to add?
Alcohol Child is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 15:48   #2 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Wherever i lay my hat, that's my home...
Age: 34
Posts: 169
Why is it that when you wak to the pub, that hour walk feels like an hour...

but the return feels like 5 minutes... but takes 5 hours?
italianjon is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:00   #3 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The duck pond
Posts: 3
tttttttyyyuiutyuipppppee
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Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:05   #4 (permalink)
Banned... Persona Non Grata
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: anytime anyplace
Posts: 18
Strangely can still have fun in bed and all the extras that go with it

But can never remember where I left my clothes the next day

SxJt69
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Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:11   #5 (permalink)
Ohcirrej
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: This is the internet FFS.........
Posts: 2,931
I think you people place too much importance on drinking and getting drunk..........

Alcohol is there to be enjoyed.
Jerricho is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:16   #6 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The drunk tank
Posts: 2
Absolutely Jerricho, I agree!

That drunk thing is a real b@stard of a side effect!
Alcohol Child is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:18   #7 (permalink)
Ohcirrej
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: This is the internet FFS.........
Posts: 2,931
BTW, reference your username A_C, you're not the only one
Jerricho is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:18   #8 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: England
Posts: 48
Advanced calculus with algorithms?
five iron is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:20   #9 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The drunk tank
Posts: 2
In this forum Jerricho, I can't imagine their are many that aren't!!
Alcohol Child is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:25   #10 (permalink)
Whatthef***!?!
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: The Isle of Rockall
Age: 38
Posts: 121
Falling asleep on one's chair only to be rudely awoken by glass hitting floor with contents everywhere
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Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:25   #11 (permalink)

Prince of Darkness
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA and a Brit
Posts: 347
One should not post to PPRuNe while inebriated. I did a couple of times but I think I got away with it.

Ozzy
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Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:27   #12 (permalink)
Ohcirrej
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: This is the internet FFS.........
Posts: 2,931
Agreed Ozzy

Especially if you're at work. (Well, that stands for some of us )
Jerricho is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:29   #13 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: 1 Dunghill Mansions, Putney
Posts: 1,289
THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Indubitably
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
* Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Specificity
* British Constitution
* Passive-aggressive disorder
* Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
* Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing



I/C
Ian Corrigible is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 16:32   #14 (permalink)
Ohcirrej
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: This is the internet FFS.........
Posts: 2,931
THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY SOBER

*Sure you MIL can come for a visit.
Jerricho is offline  
Old 15th Aug 2005, 17:26   #15 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Middle East
Posts: 9
slight expansion on Ian's definitions:

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have
no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Expat Country Member is offline  
Old 16th Aug 2005, 18:57   #16 (permalink)
StandupfortheUlstermen
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Back in the land of the singing aardvarks looking for the escape hatch.....
Age: 43
Posts: 1,229
Things you can't do when your drunk .............

1 - Avoid the wife's right hook.

2 - Say anything nice about the MIL.

3 - Say anything nice to the MIL.

4 - Stop laughing at the FIL for having married the old dragon!

Actually, 2, 3 and 4 pretty much go when sober as well.
Standard Noise is offline  
Old 17th Aug 2005, 01:38   #17 (permalink)
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Singapore
Posts: 30
Hmmmm…

One should not attempt to measure one’s living quarters with a fully-practical moggy.

Please note that your correspondent has not attempted this feat himself, but was present when a certain gentleman of Scottish descent, our host for the evening, uttered the fatal words, “Yiz cudnae swing a feckin cat in here.”

After a certain amount of banter and taunting, the aforementioned Jock did a quick duck (?) outdoors and returned with a rather battered freelance feline. He grasped it warmly by the tail and attempted to define the measurements of his living quarters with said animal.

It displayed a total lack of interest in scientific measurement, but an understandable reluctance to have its forward end connect with the walls. This reluctance took the shape of an assortment of sharp claws and teeth. It produced no forward step in the science of measurement, but an impressive amount of blood, and the two were soon parted.

The failed cat-wrangler was escorted to hospital. After some time he reappeared in the waiting area, much of his visible skin area covered by yellow stuff and/or bandages and sticking plaster.

He sat and spoke in tongues for a while, demanding liquid sustenance which we’d brought, but thoughtlessly consumed. We thought the wait was for some sort of paperwork, but a nurse requested his attendance in a second booth.

The curtains swished close, there was a short silence, then a shriek: “Yer no gonnae stick that fecker in me, Jimmie!”

He shot out, followed by a huge, dark lady brandishing an enormous syringe topped by what looked like a twelve-bore needle.

What to do? Grab him and collude with the butcher lady in what we presumed was beneficial treatment; or bar her way and risk the mega-jab ourselves? The decision was taken out of our hands by the timely appearance of the dark lady’s hench-women. He was dragged back behind the screen where his energies were concentrated into vocal utterance.

Apparently an anti-rabies jab has to be administered directly into the stomach and is not entirely pain-free.
OllyBeak is offline  
Old 18th Aug 2005, 14:20   #18 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: The drunk tank
Posts: 2
Suitable quotes

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and pants.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra (I think it was Dean Martin)
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Alcohol Child is offline  
Old 18th Aug 2005, 14:49   #19 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 28
- Stop calling your ex and declare your undying love for her/him
- Stop the room spinning when in bed
CWL2YOW is offline  
Old 18th Aug 2005, 14:51   #20 (permalink)

Prince of Darkness
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA and a Brit
Posts: 347
Read Bild and then land a 737.....

Ozzy
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