THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* British Constitution
* Passive-aggressive disorder
* Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
* Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk: a) Innovative b) Preliminary c) Proliferation d) Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk: a) Specificity b) British Constitution c) Passive-aggressive disorder d) Transubstantiate Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk: a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. b) Nope, no more booze for me. c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. d) No kebab for me, thank you. e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? f) I'm not interested in fighting you. g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
One should not attempt to measure one’s living quarters with a fully-practical moggy.
Please note that your correspondent has not attempted this feat himself, but was present when a certain gentleman of Scottish descent, our host for the evening, uttered the fatal words, “Yiz cudnae swing a feckin cat in here.”
After a certain amount of banter and taunting, the aforementioned Jock did a quick duck (?) outdoors and returned with a rather battered freelance feline. He grasped it warmly by the tail and attempted to define the measurements of his living quarters with said animal.
It displayed a total lack of interest in scientific measurement, but an understandable reluctance to have its forward end connect with the walls. This reluctance took the shape of an assortment of sharp claws and teeth. It produced no forward step in the science of measurement, but an impressive amount of blood, and the two were soon parted.
The failed cat-wrangler was escorted to hospital. After some time he reappeared in the waiting area, much of his visible skin area covered by yellow stuff and/or bandages and sticking plaster.
He sat and spoke in tongues for a while, demanding liquid sustenance which we’d brought, but thoughtlessly consumed. We thought the wait was for some sort of paperwork, but a nurse requested his attendance in a second booth.
The curtains swished close, there was a short silence, then a shriek: “Yer no gonnae stick that fecker in me, Jimmie!”
He shot out, followed by a huge, dark lady brandishing an enormous syringe topped by what looked like a twelve-bore needle.
What to do? Grab him and collude with the butcher lady in what we presumed was beneficial treatment; or bar her way and risk the mega-jab ourselves? The decision was taken out of our hands by the timely appearance of the dark lady’s hench-women. He was dragged back behind the screen where his energies were concentrated into vocal utterance.
Apparently an anti-rabies jab has to be administered directly into the stomach and is not entirely pain-free.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and pants.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra (I think it was Dean Martin) WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.