Teacher briefing her class preliminary to following day's exam:
"You will all be here, on time and ready. I shall not accept any excuse whatever, short of nuclear attack, a sudden death in your immediate family or your own sickness if provable."
S Alec puts up hand:
"Please miss, if I tell you tomorrow that I'm suffering from total sexual exhaustion, will you let me off?"
Class breaks into sniggers. Teacher comes straight back with:
"Then, Alec, you will just have to do the exam with your other hand."
There was a sassy F/A named Susan. A brash, full -of- himself F/O, name of Murray, had got it into his head that Susan fancied him, but was playing Miss Super-Cool and not giving him the slightest encouragement - yet.
One day, as Susan handed him his sixth cup of coffee that leg, she oozed: "Murray, has any woman ever told you how earth-movingly wonderful you are?" "No, no, Susan. Never." "Well, Murray, do tell us how you found out."
Long time ago I was at Patuxent (Pax) River doing a year of purgatory at USN TPS.
A fresh faced Lt (jg) came in a spurted:
" the CNO (Chief of Naval OPs- Adm Borda) has just shot himself"
Fellow hard pressed student: " What? Did he get orders for TPS?"
On a night out, in a bar in York.
A friend and I get talking to a young lady who is a dead ringer for Denise Van Outen, the conversation went as follows:-
My mate : You look just like that bird off TV, what's her name?
Lady : (Very arrogantly, knowing she is beautiful) Oh you mean Denise Van Outen.
My Mate : (Quick as a flash) No..........Jo Brand.
Trolly Dolly to PIA (Pain in the Ar**) Passenger: "Your Gin & Tonic, Sir".
PIA Pass: " Could I have another slice of lemon?"
TD: "Certainly, Sir"
PIA Pass: "More Ice".
TD: "With pleasure, Sir"
PIA Pass: "What proof is this Gin?"
TD: "47%. Sir"
PIA Pas: "It doesn't state that on the lable".
TD: " With respect, Sir, it doesn't say "Prat" on your ticket"
While collecting material for his Irish Sketch Book, the English novelist William Makepeace Thackeray decided to take a pinch of snuff just as he was approached by a beggar-woman on a country road. Seeing him put his hand in his pocket, the woman cried out, "May the blessing of God follow your honour all your life." But when all he did was to take out his snuff box and walk on past her, she added more loudly, "And may it never catch up with you."
At a literary gathering in London, an author greeted Oliver Goldsmith as "the greatest living writer in English" and declared himself unworthy to be called even a hack in the presence of so great an artist.
"How dare he?" said Goldsmith after he had walked away. "He's not important enough to humble himself like that ."
OK – haven’t read entire thread so apologies if posted earlier but
Wasn’t it Churchill who when during a private moment was told MrX was on the phone replied – please tell him I’m indisposed, and can only deal with one s**t at a time.
1996. I was sitting at stoplights in Kensington High St, London, feeling very pleased with myself in my 500 quid 2CV with the roof open to enjoy the rare sunny day. Looked across to see a Porsche driver lowering his roof too.
Me (smugly): 'I paid 500 quid for this - what's yours worth?'
British Porsche Driver: 'Won it in a raffle.' (accelerates away...)
Put down by a octagenarian
My bro-in-law's aunt at a meal, before I married (late)...
Aunt: Why don't you get married?
Me (smugly): Why buy a book when you can join a library?
Aunt: Yes, but don't you find that library books are often a little dog-eared?
One of my ex-managers (for some reason, anyone, with two exceptions - they left first - who has been my manager in the last 26 years has been canned) in a meeting:
Are you trying to make an idiot out of me?
radeng (more than usually pissed off) 'No, I wouldn't presume to attempt to improve on the good Lord's creation'
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