Location: Scotland usually, and often other parts of Europe
The Christmas Joke Thread
Well, it is nearly that time of year again,so time to pull the Christmas tree out and hang yer baubles for all to see. So here are a couple of jokes I got in my e-mail today. Hope you like them.
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's."
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed (off). It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.
He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to pass.
Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you! 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it ...) 3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you? 2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list! 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pi**ed, He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little bas***ds, ungrateful little jerks I've a f*****g good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my as* for damn near a year, And instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady bitcin' 'cause I work late at night And the elves want more money - the reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids, Vixen is knocked up and Donner has AIDS. Just when I thought that things would get better, Those as*****s from IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes, now ain't that damn funny, Who the f**k ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits, They want the impossible - the mean little s***s. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, And assembling dolls, their arms, legs and heads. I made a ton of yoyo's no requests for them, Just computers and robots, am I IBM? Flying through the air, dodging airplanes and trees, Falling down fu****g chimneys and skinnin' my knees. I'm quittin' this job, there's no more enjoyment, Gonna sit on my fat a** and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason, I found me a redhead, I'm goin' SOUTH for the season!
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there.
The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years--but if you insist, well, let's go."
As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
It's nearly Xmas & these are jokes (concious of going off-topic)
Q. What do you call a terrorist from Ibiza? A. Allsummer Binlargin
A man was lonely, and decided that his life would be more fun and interesting if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again: "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
Finally, a tiny little voice came out of the box and said: "I heard you the first two times, 'as*hole'! I'm putting on my f**k*ng shoes!"
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. "We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"
Dashing through the bush, in a rusty Holden Ute, Kicking up the dust, esky in the boot, Kelpie by my side, singing Christmas songs, It's Summer time and I am in my singlet, shorts and thongs
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
Engine's getting hot; we dodge the kangaroos, The swaggie climbs aboard, he is welcome too. All the family's there, sitting by the pool, Christmas Day the Aussie way, by the barbecue.
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
Come the afternoon, Grandpa has a doze, The kids and Uncle Bruce, are swimming in their clothes. The time comes 'round to go, we take the family snap, Pack the car and all shoot through, before the washing up.
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey! Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!, Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute
A Microsoft Christmas:
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To email@example.com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me) No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.
"I'm baffled by your yellow penis," a doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in you family have this condition?" The concerned fellow shook his head.
"Do you handle chemicals at work?"
"I don't work, I'm unemployed."
"Well, what do you do all day?"
"Well, I mainly sit at home watching porno movies, eating Quavers."
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful women who takes pity on him. The first one asks,"Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head, and the woman leans over and gives him a big hug.
"Have you ever been kissed?" asks the second woman. He shakes his head and she kisses him Rather abruptly the third woman asks, "Have you ever been ****ed?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well, you are now. The tides coming in."
Two nuns are sitting at some traffic lights waiting for the green light, when all of a sudden a vampire appears in front of the screen. "Oh sister, what shall we do?" asks the youngest nun.
"Do not worry," comes the reply. "Simply show him your cross." The youngest nun promptly winds down the window and shouts "F*** off, c***!"
What's pink and hangs out your pants?
What's grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the **** ?
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.