DOC.400

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's. .fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would. .have hired him too!!)

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously,whatever's available. If I was in. .a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style. .severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it. .notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more. .intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO. .50 LBS?:. .Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you. .have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner. .of the Readers Digest Prize Draw

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a. .fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced. .bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR. .KNOWLEDGE?:. .No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Ed Winchester

THE SPICE GIRL JOB APPLICATION

1. In the space provided, tell us why you wanna, why you really, really, wanna be a Spice Girl.

2. Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your hooters?

3. Would it, like, bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?

4. How would you best describe yourself?

( ) An energetic self-starter.. .( ) A team player.. .( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet.

5. True or false: A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit.

6. "I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry."

( )Yes ( )No

7. How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

8. Does nudity bother you? If so, should I put my clothes back on?

9. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neuro-chemical medicine and modern behaviouralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

10. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?

11. Choose an appropriate nickname:

Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Chlamydia.

12. Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and horizontal stripes?

13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 , and 75 kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in spandex?

14. Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid or just giggly?

15. If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?