I. M. Esperto

A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my. .hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second. .mouse gets the. . cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me. .before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have. .obviously. . overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some. .people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the. .wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough. .sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays. .off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just. .don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find. .a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill. .them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy. .her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked. .into jet engines.

maxalt

It's a small world...but I wouldn't wanna paint it.

I had a clever dog called Stay. He used to get confused...c'mere Stay, c'mere Stay...now he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

What a mind.

Ed Winchester

Great stuff!!

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out"....

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?