The really really bad and totally frightful christmas present thread.
So - we’ve all been getting Christmas catalogues since August. With only a month to go, it’s really hotting up now, with everyone from the KleeneZe man to the local garden centre vying for our business. So what’s the worst item you’ve seen on offer so far? Offensive? Tacky? Puzzling? Did you receive something appalling last year that went straight into the bin?
Some delightful catalogue items from my letterbox this weekend: a 2 metre tall inflatable Santa (self-inflating), a 2 metre tall inflatable snowman (self-inflating), both illuminated from the inside, for only £79.99 each. The best item I spotted however, was an animated Bing Crosby (only £19.99) with moving head, moving mouth, and moving arm with microphone; which, with only four AA batteries (not supplied) will regale you with three of his greatest Christmas hits. “With pipe in hand, this animated Bing really looks the part… …as he swings his microphone and sings his well loved numbers!” - until you destroy it with a large hammer that is.
Daftest one I ever got although in truth it was not a Xmas present was a huge mahogany and brass Barometer about six foot tall it was, gorrit off a old Aunt, her idea was I could take it away to sea with me and hang it on me cabin wall so I would know when storms were about to engulf me ship.
Come to think I could have used it as a lifeboat if me ship had struck a reef and sunk.
Absolutely the worst presents ever come from the apparently ever increasing band of people who seem to think that a photograph of their babies will make a welcome gift
Look: understandably you think they're cute, but no-one else gives a toss OK ? - try a bottle of scotch next time !!!!
Luckily, all my present problems are solved (my Christmas present problems that is) by today’s post. I’m able to get a Fascinating Fibre Optic Cactus for only £19.99 (28cm tall) and best of all it will vary its colour for me, through warm reds and yellows to cool blues and greens. I can’t decide whether the Levitating Globe Lamp is tacky or not at only £39.99 (light bulb included). Apparently it provides a mesmerising desktop experience, and I haven’t had one of those for a long time now.
Huh... there's no Santana? The worst thing I've seen so far is a "Merry Christmas" neon light for your car, which plugs into the cigarette lighter. Nice.
I saw something wonderful in the gift shop at the Visitors' Center at the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center: a tie with the periodic table of elements on it. Genuine nerd-wear. I'd rather have a big "NERD PRIDE" button.
I was in Beijing drinking when someone mentioned a place in a market that sold silk ties so we went off. Much haggling over price in yuan, FEC (that long ago), USD and HKD then we select ties. Finished up with 20 silk ties, most visible at 200m on a dark night.
Only one solution - Xmas
My brother attempted to strangle me with the one I gave him; although that might have had something to do with the Super Soaker water gun for his hyperactive 6yo.
In a Wal-mart in the US around Christmas once I was wandering slack jawed looking at the hunting section with the usual European schitzophrenia
(Luvvy side of brain-"Look at those awful nasty big guns these rude Amewicans play with" Normal side of brain -"I could go one of those Glocks") Anyway, in the hunting section were lifesize plastic deer for sale, probably for target practice. In the Christmas decoration section was the identical plastic deer, now with an internal gizmo playing soppy Christmas carols, as a decoration for one's lawn. You have to think-"How tacky, ' and "What a great business brain this guy must have"
It used to be possible to buy a kit that encapsulated objects in clear plastic (may still be available). It gave endless hours of harmless fun encapsulating dog poo (whatever happened to white dog poo?) and sending it to people one disliked.
A friend had a one-nighter at his office party a few years ago and received a surprise chrissy pressie through his letterbox. It was a used condom, beautifully encapsulated and accompanied by a note “you left this behind – don’t bother coming again”. I thought it was rather a witty play on words. He used it as a paperweight for a year or so until his new G/F buried it somewhere in his back garden. Often wondered what would happen if he sold his house to a little old lady who loved gardening
I was going to do a bit on white dog poo in TRRBATPSOI recently, but I just couldn't get it to come out right.
However I digress. Here's a RRBATFCP ad I was sent by email:
Mr T In Your Pocket - Our price £9.99 - You can now take Mr T with you wherever you go thanks to this audio voice box keychain. Press a button to hear one of six recorded phrases with the real voice of Mr T. The six phrases are:
I pity the fool. Don’t gimme no back talk, sucka. Quit your jibba jabba. Don’t make me mad (growl). First name mister, middle name period, last name T. Shut up, fool.
Apparently demand is expected to be high and you may have to wait two weeks for this to arrive.
It's a piss up and that's it. It's never been the same since I discovered there was no Sanata 
