con-pilot
30th October 2002, 19:07
I posted this a few years ago and I thought it would be fun to post it again.
Reasons I like Corporate Flying.
Airline traveling:
A. Can't get there from here.
1. Travel from Little Rock, AR. to Oklahoma City, OK, distance 207nm.
2. Adjoining state capitols.
3. 45min. flight in any jet airplane.
4. Have to hub through one of the following depending on what airline.
a. Dallas Love
b. DFW
c. St. Louis
5. Total travel times from 4hrs 20mins to 5hrs 35mins depending on time of day, not counting check-in, rental car wait, baggage wait and etc.
B. Damn flights always full.
1. Butt in every seat.
2. Face in every window.
3. Screaming kids.
4. Crying babies.
5. Overworked F.A.s taking care of a bunch of assholes.
6. Cramped seats.
7. No legroom.
8. And why does everybody I sit next to always think that the armrest and two to three inches over into my area is their space.
C. Check-in
1. Got to be there at least one hour prior to departure time.
2. Long check-in lines.
3. Never enough agents
4. Always stuck behind some Pax that is stupider than dirt.
a. Checking on flights three months from now.
b. Changes seats five times
c. Asking what kind of lunch they will have for a 45min flight.
d. Asking why they are not getting a lunch on a 45min flight.
e. Asking for free upgrades.
f. Asking agent if agent knows a friend of their second cousin who works for some airline, they don't know which airline though.
g. Asking if the airplane is safe.
h. Asking the agent how the agent knows the airplane is safe.
i. Asking how many motors the airplane has.
j. Asking how come it doesn't have more.
k. Asking if the pilots are safe.
l. Asking if the pilots are sober.
m. Asking if the pilots are sick.
n. Asking if the pilots are white, black, male, female, etc.
o. Demanding that the steamer trunk they are carrying be allowed on as carry on baggage.
p. Demanding that their golf clubs be allowed on as carry on baggage.
q. Demanding that anything they can lift two inches off the ground be allowed on as carry on baggage.
r. Insisting that the 8yr old brat that is traveling with them is really only two and can sit in their lap.
s. Insisting that any animal that they own is an assist animal. (Remember the US Air piggy)
t. Insisting that they have not had too much to drink, even after falling down twice while waiting in line and having the breath that would knock out a bear.
u. And my favorite, asking in a very loud voice, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
D. Boarding the airplane.
1. Gate is always at the other end of the terminal.
2. Now late for flight because of the above reasons.
3. When boarding by rows there is always somebody that tries to board early saying that they thought that they were in row 54 when they were actually in row 11
4. With open seating boarding by numbers (Southwest) the same damn jerk thinks that the boarding number they got, 98 (because they waited to the last minute) is 8. (Once I actually saw a woman try to hide the 9 with her hand.)
5. The unbelievable number of passengers that take five minutes standing in the aisle stuffing and rearranging all of their junk in the overhead bins.
6. Taking my only carry on item, a briefcase, out of the overhead and leave it in the aisle so they can fit all their stuff in.
7. Passengers that put the stuff that they couldn't cram in the overhead under the seat in front of me so they can have more legroom.
8. Bratty kids, enough said.
9. The last minute boarder, you know what I mean.
E. The Flight.
1. Gate hold.
2. Number 40 for takeoff.
3. Taxi back because some cargo got left off.
4. Number 45 for takeoff.
5. Taxi back because a passenger wants off.
6. Number 50 for take off.
7. Taxi back because the F.O. is out of crew duty time because of the first six delays.
8. Must stay on airplane because all the gates are full.
9. One hour later with new F.O. taxi back out for takeoff.
10. Depart two and half-hours late.
11. Flight time 40 minutes.
12. Despite smooth ride passenger next to me get airsick and vomits ever where missing sick sack.
13. A very nice F.A. and I go though six bottles of club soda trying to clean my pant legs off.
F. Connecting with the next flight.
1. Arriving flight parks at gate A1.
2. Departing flight leaves from gate D54. ("Oh yes, it's delayed and we'll hold it for you.")
3. Must walk 3 miles to gate D54 with wet pant legs. (Getting many strange stares.)
4. Make note to myself to carry a jogging suite with me at all times when traveling by airlines.
5. Make note to myself to buy bigger briefcase.
6. Missed connecting flight. (Of course they didn't hold it for me.)
7. Next flight leaves in 20 minutes.
8. From gate A3. (No I did not ask the obvious)
9. Walk back the three miles with starting to dry pant legs.
10. Starting to feel some chaffing on inner thighs.
11. Board new flight.
12. See paragraphs C and D. (Except flight time was 50 minutes)
G. Arriving at destination.
1. Because of paragraph E, I got the last seat in the last row of the flight.
2. Last person off airplane.
3. Airplane parked at outermost gate.
4. Walk three miles to rental car counter.
5. Chaffing more evident.
6. Number ten in line.
7. Only one agent working, the other one is talking to boyfriend on the phone.
8. You guessed it, behind a jerk that.
a. Reserved the wrong type car.
b. Price is higher than they want to pay.
c. Wants a luxury car at the same price as a compact.
d. Car is wrong color
e. First two credit cards are no good. (And "SOMEBODY, BY GOD, IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? )
f. Need s driving directions.
g. Doesn't know what the address is where they are going.
h. Screams at agent because she doesn't know the address either. (BY GOD EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN SHOULD KNOW WHERE ABC WIDGET COMPANY IS.)
i. Agent finds address in telephone book after 5 minutes.
j. Circles address on map.
k. Jerk can't read the map, says it's too small.
l. Agent highlights route from airport to business address.
m. Jerk needs the route highlighted from his mother's home, not airport.
n. Agent finds mother's address in telephone book after 5 minutes.
o. Agent redraws new routes on new map.
9. My turn to rent a car.
a. Agent, because I was so patient, upgrades me to a luxury car.
b. I don't care what color it is.
c. Our jerk comes back, pushes me out of the way and wants his contract rewritten because he has decided not to take the insurance.
d. Agent very nicely asks the jerk to please wait until she finishes with me.
e. Jerk, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT, I'M LATE. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
f. I tell the agent to go ahead and take care of 'who am I', I'll wait.
g. 15 minutes later I get my car.
h. Walk a mile in the rain to get my car because 'who am I' has the van tied up with all of his baggage.
i. Leave airport.
H. Arrive at hotel.
1. Take pants off and put into laundry bag. Put laundry bag in trash.
2. Take shower and change clothes.
3. Go to bar.
4. Stay there, for a long time.
I. In summation.
1. Distance as stated earlier between my departure point and destination is 207nm.
2. Flying time in my airplane is 40/45 minutes.
3. Flying time on the airlines an hour and 30 minutes.
4. Total travel time in my airplane 2hrs max. (I am the pilot after all and have get to the airport earlier)
5. Total travel time on the airlines for this trip 6hrs and 35 mins.
Corporate Jet
A. Call FBO to have aircraft pulled from hanger 1 hr prior to departure time.
1. Drive personal car up to airplane.
2. Line personnel run up and load my baggage and park my car.
3. Go into ops to get weather and the pre-filed flight plan.
4. Check fuel load and order fuel.
5. Co-pilot pre-flights aircraft.
6. Line personnel loads catering, ice and coffee. (We do provide lunch for a 45-min. flight.)
7. Sit around and talk to other pilots while waiting for passengers.
B. Departure
1. Passengers drive up to the airplane in their personal cars.
2. Line personnel load passenger's baggage and park the cars.
3. We say hi the paxs, shut the door and start the engines
4.
C. The flight.
1. Taxi out.
2. Number two for departure.
3. Two minute hold for departure slot.
4. Take off two minutes late.
5. Cruise at M.80 instead of M.78 to make up the two minutes.
6. Land on time.
D. Arriving at destination.
1. Park on front ramp at FBO
2. Rental cars for paxs brought to door of aircraft.
3. Line personnel unload pax's baggage into rental cars.
4. Passengers leave.
5. Crew rental car brought to aircraft.
6. Line personnel unload crew baggage into rental car.
7. Line personnel remove trash from Aircraft.
8. Crew spends 10 mins cleaning cabin.
9. Co-pilot supervises line personnel installing engine covers and pins.
10. I go into ops and arrange for handling and catering for departure.
11. We get into rental car and leave airport 30 minutes after landing
E. Arrive at hotel.
1. Go to Bar.
And you ask why I like corporate flying.
:cool: :cool:
Reasons I like Corporate Flying.
Airline traveling:
A. Can't get there from here.
1. Travel from Little Rock, AR. to Oklahoma City, OK, distance 207nm.
2. Adjoining state capitols.
3. 45min. flight in any jet airplane.
4. Have to hub through one of the following depending on what airline.
a. Dallas Love
b. DFW
c. St. Louis
5. Total travel times from 4hrs 20mins to 5hrs 35mins depending on time of day, not counting check-in, rental car wait, baggage wait and etc.
B. Damn flights always full.
1. Butt in every seat.
2. Face in every window.
3. Screaming kids.
4. Crying babies.
5. Overworked F.A.s taking care of a bunch of assholes.
6. Cramped seats.
7. No legroom.
8. And why does everybody I sit next to always think that the armrest and two to three inches over into my area is their space.
C. Check-in
1. Got to be there at least one hour prior to departure time.
2. Long check-in lines.
3. Never enough agents
4. Always stuck behind some Pax that is stupider than dirt.
a. Checking on flights three months from now.
b. Changes seats five times
c. Asking what kind of lunch they will have for a 45min flight.
d. Asking why they are not getting a lunch on a 45min flight.
e. Asking for free upgrades.
f. Asking agent if agent knows a friend of their second cousin who works for some airline, they don't know which airline though.
g. Asking if the airplane is safe.
h. Asking the agent how the agent knows the airplane is safe.
i. Asking how many motors the airplane has.
j. Asking how come it doesn't have more.
k. Asking if the pilots are safe.
l. Asking if the pilots are sober.
m. Asking if the pilots are sick.
n. Asking if the pilots are white, black, male, female, etc.
o. Demanding that the steamer trunk they are carrying be allowed on as carry on baggage.
p. Demanding that their golf clubs be allowed on as carry on baggage.
q. Demanding that anything they can lift two inches off the ground be allowed on as carry on baggage.
r. Insisting that the 8yr old brat that is traveling with them is really only two and can sit in their lap.
s. Insisting that any animal that they own is an assist animal. (Remember the US Air piggy)
t. Insisting that they have not had too much to drink, even after falling down twice while waiting in line and having the breath that would knock out a bear.
u. And my favorite, asking in a very loud voice, "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"
D. Boarding the airplane.
1. Gate is always at the other end of the terminal.
2. Now late for flight because of the above reasons.
3. When boarding by rows there is always somebody that tries to board early saying that they thought that they were in row 54 when they were actually in row 11
4. With open seating boarding by numbers (Southwest) the same damn jerk thinks that the boarding number they got, 98 (because they waited to the last minute) is 8. (Once I actually saw a woman try to hide the 9 with her hand.)
5. The unbelievable number of passengers that take five minutes standing in the aisle stuffing and rearranging all of their junk in the overhead bins.
6. Taking my only carry on item, a briefcase, out of the overhead and leave it in the aisle so they can fit all their stuff in.
7. Passengers that put the stuff that they couldn't cram in the overhead under the seat in front of me so they can have more legroom.
8. Bratty kids, enough said.
9. The last minute boarder, you know what I mean.
E. The Flight.
1. Gate hold.
2. Number 40 for takeoff.
3. Taxi back because some cargo got left off.
4. Number 45 for takeoff.
5. Taxi back because a passenger wants off.
6. Number 50 for take off.
7. Taxi back because the F.O. is out of crew duty time because of the first six delays.
8. Must stay on airplane because all the gates are full.
9. One hour later with new F.O. taxi back out for takeoff.
10. Depart two and half-hours late.
11. Flight time 40 minutes.
12. Despite smooth ride passenger next to me get airsick and vomits ever where missing sick sack.
13. A very nice F.A. and I go though six bottles of club soda trying to clean my pant legs off.
F. Connecting with the next flight.
1. Arriving flight parks at gate A1.
2. Departing flight leaves from gate D54. ("Oh yes, it's delayed and we'll hold it for you.")
3. Must walk 3 miles to gate D54 with wet pant legs. (Getting many strange stares.)
4. Make note to myself to carry a jogging suite with me at all times when traveling by airlines.
5. Make note to myself to buy bigger briefcase.
6. Missed connecting flight. (Of course they didn't hold it for me.)
7. Next flight leaves in 20 minutes.
8. From gate A3. (No I did not ask the obvious)
9. Walk back the three miles with starting to dry pant legs.
10. Starting to feel some chaffing on inner thighs.
11. Board new flight.
12. See paragraphs C and D. (Except flight time was 50 minutes)
G. Arriving at destination.
1. Because of paragraph E, I got the last seat in the last row of the flight.
2. Last person off airplane.
3. Airplane parked at outermost gate.
4. Walk three miles to rental car counter.
5. Chaffing more evident.
6. Number ten in line.
7. Only one agent working, the other one is talking to boyfriend on the phone.
8. You guessed it, behind a jerk that.
a. Reserved the wrong type car.
b. Price is higher than they want to pay.
c. Wants a luxury car at the same price as a compact.
d. Car is wrong color
e. First two credit cards are no good. (And "SOMEBODY, BY GOD, IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? )
f. Need s driving directions.
g. Doesn't know what the address is where they are going.
h. Screams at agent because she doesn't know the address either. (BY GOD EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN SHOULD KNOW WHERE ABC WIDGET COMPANY IS.)
i. Agent finds address in telephone book after 5 minutes.
j. Circles address on map.
k. Jerk can't read the map, says it's too small.
l. Agent highlights route from airport to business address.
m. Jerk needs the route highlighted from his mother's home, not airport.
n. Agent finds mother's address in telephone book after 5 minutes.
o. Agent redraws new routes on new map.
9. My turn to rent a car.
a. Agent, because I was so patient, upgrades me to a luxury car.
b. I don't care what color it is.
c. Our jerk comes back, pushes me out of the way and wants his contract rewritten because he has decided not to take the insurance.
d. Agent very nicely asks the jerk to please wait until she finishes with me.
e. Jerk, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WAIT, I'M LATE. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
f. I tell the agent to go ahead and take care of 'who am I', I'll wait.
g. 15 minutes later I get my car.
h. Walk a mile in the rain to get my car because 'who am I' has the van tied up with all of his baggage.
i. Leave airport.
H. Arrive at hotel.
1. Take pants off and put into laundry bag. Put laundry bag in trash.
2. Take shower and change clothes.
3. Go to bar.
4. Stay there, for a long time.
I. In summation.
1. Distance as stated earlier between my departure point and destination is 207nm.
2. Flying time in my airplane is 40/45 minutes.
3. Flying time on the airlines an hour and 30 minutes.
4. Total travel time in my airplane 2hrs max. (I am the pilot after all and have get to the airport earlier)
5. Total travel time on the airlines for this trip 6hrs and 35 mins.
Corporate Jet
A. Call FBO to have aircraft pulled from hanger 1 hr prior to departure time.
1. Drive personal car up to airplane.
2. Line personnel run up and load my baggage and park my car.
3. Go into ops to get weather and the pre-filed flight plan.
4. Check fuel load and order fuel.
5. Co-pilot pre-flights aircraft.
6. Line personnel loads catering, ice and coffee. (We do provide lunch for a 45-min. flight.)
7. Sit around and talk to other pilots while waiting for passengers.
B. Departure
1. Passengers drive up to the airplane in their personal cars.
2. Line personnel load passenger's baggage and park the cars.
3. We say hi the paxs, shut the door and start the engines
4.
C. The flight.
1. Taxi out.
2. Number two for departure.
3. Two minute hold for departure slot.
4. Take off two minutes late.
5. Cruise at M.80 instead of M.78 to make up the two minutes.
6. Land on time.
D. Arriving at destination.
1. Park on front ramp at FBO
2. Rental cars for paxs brought to door of aircraft.
3. Line personnel unload pax's baggage into rental cars.
4. Passengers leave.
5. Crew rental car brought to aircraft.
6. Line personnel unload crew baggage into rental car.
7. Line personnel remove trash from Aircraft.
8. Crew spends 10 mins cleaning cabin.
9. Co-pilot supervises line personnel installing engine covers and pins.
10. I go into ops and arrange for handling and catering for departure.
11. We get into rental car and leave airport 30 minutes after landing
E. Arrive at hotel.
1. Go to Bar.
And you ask why I like corporate flying.
:cool: :cool: