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Old 4th Oct 2001, 06:28   #1 (permalink)
 
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ABC123: "Maastricht, G'evenink. ABC123 FL330 to GMH (Germinghausen)."

Maastricht: (With an obvious "Hmmmm...." tone) "I show you routing (via) Nomka??"

ABC123: "Yessir, last 'sektor' gave us GMH."

Maastricht: "OK, would you accept direct Nomka?"

ABC123: "Yes we would"

Maastricht: "You sound very agreeable. Would you accept direct Oslo?"

ABC123: "....ahh.... yes....? (half baffled crewman)"

Maastricht: "I thought so. You are cleared direct Nomka." (Laughter in the background at Maastricht CTR).

(Quick location lesson: GMH and Nomka were appropriate(-ish) for that flight. Oslo was, ahh, just a teensy bit north of track, shall we say!!)

- - -

CDE234: "Maastricht, CDE234 FL370, Non RVSM."

Maastricht: "CDE234 identified, and good thing you are not RVSM as we aren't either!" (more chuckles in the background!)

- - -

Whoever you are in Maastricht CTR, you made our LONG night HILARIOUS!!





(edited for typical typo's... sheesh)

[ 04 October 2001: Message edited by: Ray Darr ]
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Old 4th Oct 2001, 22:15   #2 (permalink)
 
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One I used myself:

me..."(a/c callsign) what are your flight conditions?"

"Ah, we`re IMC"

me..." Oh good "

(hint, this was before TCAS)
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Old 7th Oct 2001, 05:15   #3 (permalink)
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Heard a number of years ago in YVR terminal airspace

ATC: AirChina flight XXX. Cleared for the the Treel 2 arrival ( The usual arrival from the orient )

XXX: Roger cleared for Treel 2 arrival , then inexplicably reads the entire contents of the STAR over the air. This takes more than 3 minutes. When he finishes there is stunned silence on the Freq , then;

Canadian XXX I'll take the same with cheese please !!!
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Old 7th Oct 2001, 12:43   #4 (permalink)

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True story.

Rather dotty student lost on dual navigation exercise with instructor. Instructor knew position but was waiting to see how said student dealt with the problem. They were north of Cranfield in the UK. They were ex Luton which is well south of Cranfield. Student called Luton Approach, they quickly identified her position and suggested she call Cranfield on xxx.xx. Conversation that followed:

Student: Hello Cranfield.
ATC: Hello
Long pause
ATC: Go on give us a clue.


Another that springs to mind was a PPL at Luton in the circuit having forgotten to call 'downwind'. He remembered when late downwind and said to the tower:

PPL: 'G-xxx was downwind L/H 26, please note the use of the past tense.

And finally overheard in the south of England some years ago a student on a solo navigation exercise and lost. Quite correctly called for assistance:

ATC: Are you India Mike or Victor Mike?
Long pause.
Student: Negative, I am a student pilot.

[ 07 October 2001: Message edited by: M.Mouse ]
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Old 7th Oct 2001, 21:30   #5 (permalink)
 
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Posted long time ago on the Military forum (hence I can claim no credit whatsoever )

>The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."<
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Old 9th Oct 2001, 02:34   #6 (permalink)
 
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TOWER: "XYZ123 (Shorts 330, Female pilot) clear to land 34"

XYZ123:"roger,clear to land"

TOWER:"ABC987 (budgie visual approach) report final number 2 to a Shorts 330"

ABC987:"OK when the Lady's got her shorts down we'll slide in behind"

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Old 9th Oct 2001, 11:45   #7 (permalink)
 
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Busy GAAP Aerodrome on a Sunday morning, circuit is filled with student pilots.

TOWER: "ABC, no need to respond, cleared touch and go."
ABC: "Cleared touch and go, no need to respond, ABC."


[ 09 October 2001: Message edited by: Buffeting ]
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Old 9th Oct 2001, 14:43   #8 (permalink)
 
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Tower ( To Piper Cub which had an interesting bouncy arrival) "Cub G-AB vacate left, clear to taxi to the tower parking...I suppose you'll want that charged as one landing..."

Nigel at EGLL: "Ground, Speedbird 1234, Now pay attention this is important" (pause for dramatic effect can sense controller reaching for panic button) "which stand did you say it was?"
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 04:46   #9 (permalink)
 
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ABC: Tower, be advised there is a flock of Guinea fowl on the runway at the intersection.

ATC: Roger, we will send out the firetruck.

ABC: No, they are not on fire, they are just there!
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 07:12   #10 (permalink)
 
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Tower: ABC Runway left clear to land, caution, there is a very large eagle beside the runway about half way up the runway.

ABC: Runway left clear to land, ABC

Tower: ABC can you see what he is doing?

ABC: Watching how it is supposed to be done..............

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Old 10th Oct 2001, 07:35   #11 (permalink)
 
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Tower: Air 671 there could be some delay with your landing clearance, we have a herd of cattle lose on the airfield.

Air 671: Roger that tower, you need my FO down there, he's a cowboy.
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 08:39   #12 (permalink)

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ATC Center to F-27:

Say speed!

Roger, we are doing 270 knots and that is as fast as this Fokker will go.....
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 20:42   #13 (permalink)
 
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ATC: Previous reports a dead dog on taxiway charlie, advises bear left.
XYZ: Roger we see the dead dog, looking for the bear.
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 22:07   #14 (permalink)

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Tower - Be advised dead sheep nwxt the runway
A/C - Roger, will advise our catering
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 22:10   #15 (permalink)
 
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ATC: "ABC 123, have you captured the localiser?"

A/C: "Negative.....but we have it surrounded!"


In trim.
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Old 10th Oct 2001, 23:02   #16 (permalink)

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ATC (Kai Tak): "Can you see the little Fokker on finals? Clear depart behind."

Us: "Negative, we can only see a big Fokker on finals".

ATC: "Roger, hold for the big Fokker!"

True!
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Old 11th Oct 2001, 04:22   #17 (permalink)
 
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Twr: XY123 number 2 to a Shorts 360. Do you have him in sight ?

123: Affirmative. No wait, he just flew over a trailer park. We lost him.
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Old 11th Oct 2001, 05:25   #18 (permalink)
 
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Toronto ground Millardair 123, for push.
Ahh..Millardair 123, say aircraft type.
Ground 123, Beech one eight.
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Old 12th Oct 2001, 00:38   #19 (permalink)
 
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One day, sitting watching a neighbouring sectors squawk running into my airspace, not speaking, so rang up other ATC unit and got details in case of RT fail.

Tried a tentative transmission

"XXXX this is XXXX radar, you on frequency"

Foreign sounding voice replies

"XXXX radar this is XXXX, we have been waiting for you to call!

what I then said, history failed to record
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Old 12th Oct 2001, 03:47   #20 (permalink)
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From a very lost very new PPL, somewhere in the hell that is the airspace around Los Angeles.

PPL: Uh I need a little help as I am not sure of my position

ATC: Roger Set XXXX on your transponder

PPL: OK

---long pause--

ATC: I don't see you in any of my sectors, where was the last place you were sure of your position?

PPL: Holding short runway 34
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