wazzer1976

Received in my inbox today, some are on here already, I'm sure some are urban myths but hey lets not allow the truth to spoil the fun

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers 11/2008


Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"************************************************** ************************************************Tower:"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341:"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ************************************************** ************************************************O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."************************************************** **********************************A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."************************************************** *************************************************A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."************************************************** ************************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German):" Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"************************************************** ************************************************** *One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."************************************************** ************************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurtground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground:"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206:"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly):"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************************************************** *********************************************** While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the i rate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Have briefs

Loving this thread. Takes me back many, many years to when I used to man co.freq. 131.8 (Bealine London)for the then BEA flight ops. This was operated by both a button on the mike and, for hands free, a floor switch. How many times was I caught out by someone asking me some very personal question about my sex life and wondering why they were giggling, till I saw the red TX light on the set glowing and shoved their foot off the floor switch !!!!!

rodan

Only posted about 20 times before.

Have briefs

In the same style.
Friend of mine told me about her school mate who went into radio news coverage.
One of her first assignments was to cover a local stunt kite display.
Live, on air, she asked one of the group...............

"So how long have you been flying these stite c***s " !!!

B-HKD

Just heard,

Kennedy Tower, Confirm we are cleared to land 22L. Jetblue xxx?

Affirmative, Jetblue xxx

Thanks, too much turkey last night. Jetblue xxx

Leo

Fenella

General naughtiness... (controller is female by the way, and anonymous voice is male!)

Easter Sunday:

Pilot: "Tower, any good news on my slot?"
ATC: "Negative, still 20 minutes for start. Sorry."
Pilot: "This is boring."
ATC: "Affirm. I could be at home eating an Easter Egg right now."
.
.
.
Long silence.
.
.
.
Anonymous voice: "You could suck my eggs anytime".

RMarvin86

A couple of months ago after my first solo x-country flight in Italy I did use English phraseology for practice, which is not really appreciated by ATCOs as I increase their workload.

After landing TWR came over with the following:

"I-IABS on ground at xx..ehm are you a military pilot?"

"Ehm.. on ground at xx ... and negative just a student!!"

I had a good laugh and did smile for some time. (had only 17 flight hours at the time)

lucavettu

Sorry to ask, but...
...what's the funny part of it?

RMarvin86

It was funny at the time as I just achieved an important step of my flight training and I was asked with such a strange question. I still don't understand why, but I guess it was because I was using English phraseology and they were not used to! (it's an intl airport).

Probably it's more funny when I fly VFR in Italy using English RT and the guys at the other side of the mike get annoyed and switch to italian

I was just sharing my personal experience

You don't like it? you skip it.

chephy

As a student pilot, I had my share of radio blunders. Here is one.

I'm returning to my home base on the last leg of my first solo cross-country. Due to stronger winds than predicted, later start than anticipated, and lower a/c performance than published, the flight has taken longer than I thought it would. I realize that I might end up cutting it a little too fine with respect to the search and rescue time, so I decide to call up a flight information centre, give them a position report and a new ETA.

Me: London Radio, this is C-XXXX, position report.
London Radio: C-XXXX, go ahead.
Me: London Radio, C-XXXX is on a VFR flight plan, en route to so-and-so airport, at such-and-such altitude, over such-and-such town, yada-yada-yada (where yada-yada-yada is the rest of the relevant details)
London Radio: Roger.

So far so good, and I should have just stopped there, of course, but because this is the first time I strayed any distance from my controlled homebase, that exchange just didn't feel right. Before this flight, talking to someone on the ground equalled talking to the ATC, and the voice on the other end always gave me instructions at the end! Plus, that last "Roger" didn't sound like an end to a conversation; the intonation seemed to be implying that there was more for me to say... and I already said everything I thought I was supposed to. So, knowing full well that I'm doing something kinda dumb, I keyed the mike and meekly asked:

Me: Um, London radio... is there anything you would like me to do?

If I were London radio people, I probably would have said something along the lines of "draw me a bath". But they seemed perplexed, not amused, by my silly question, and just mumbled something along the lines of "Um, no, C-XXXX, it's all good, have a good flight".

Opinel

Happened in the Seventies:

Lufthansa XXX contacts Zürich Radar.

Pilot: Zurich Radar, LH XXX, good morning, FL290, estimating Trasadingen at 45.
Controller: Good morning LH XXX, proceed via Amber 9, maintain FL 290 and report Trasadingen.
Pilot: Roger LH XXX, maintaining 290 and call you Trasadingen.
Controller: Negative, call me Leo and report Trasadingen.

Not my story (taken from eddh.de), but one of the best I read so far.

hvogt

pax britanica

More humorous than intentional humour although the BA captains' comments are shall we say tinged with a hint of sarcasm. Both times I am listening to ATC as family on board and want to be sure they get away ok.

It’s late at night about 2330 in Bermuda in the 1980s. Kindley Field (BDA was a US Naval Air Station doubling as a civil airport had US Military controllers handling the civil fights. The 5 times a week BA Tri-Star is the last (only) night departure and has just pushed back.

'BA 2233 ready for taxi ' says a very British voice
No answer
Again BA 2233 etc etc .....repeats 4 times in fact
Fifth time a very exasperated BA 'Captain Speaking' voice calls the tower frequency to complain that he is the only aircraft on the field and why isn't he being answered.
Tower explains – ‘Oh we did not answer as we have flashed you a green signal light’. You can sense the stunned reaction on the flight deck and several seconds elapse before before, ‘Well , I am afraid we Brits have moved on a bit since signal lights and I would like a proper taxi clearance please!!!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the other hand people can talk a little too much (though there was not much to do on the nightshift in Bermuda Tower)

BA Tri Star 'Bermuda Tower BA2233 for Airways clearance please'

(excuse me if I have the reporting points wrong)

Tower 'BA2233 is cleared to London Heathrow Airport climbing ahead to 2000ft then enroute via FLANN, TARGA 35N 50W ( then all the Oceanic reports are listed) Lands End ,Sampton, Midhur..... at which point BA interrupts with ‘ errr Yes I think we can just about manage to find our own way from there thank you'

PB

kokako7

from personal experienece just few meeks ago.
TWR: set squawk 6747
PILOt: roger squawk 6748
TWR: If u'll manage to set squawk 6748, just leave it
looooooong silence
Hopefully I was ATCO