ATC IssuesA place where pilots may enter the 'lions den' that is Air Traffic Control in complete safety and find out the answers to all those obscure topics which you always wanted to know the answer to but were afraid to ask.
ATC: Light Type 1, report your conditions. Light Type 1: VMC, between two layers. ATC: Light Type 2, report your conditions. Light Type 2: VMC, between two layers. ATC: Speedbird 123, report your conditions. Speedbird 123: IMC, between two liars.
Landing at LHR..clearing the runway and contacting ground...in sheeting rain and blowing a gale..
"xxxx123 runway vacated A7....lovely weather!"
"xxxx123, left on Alpha hold short link 26....yeah and there's still a hosepipe ban!" Classic LHR humour
Arriving in FRA on a Shorts 3-60: APP: ...good morning, my papers say, your callsign is 'irish concorde' today! Pilot: ..oh and my approach chart says yours is 'Egelsbach Radar'!
(Egelsbach is a VFR airfield just south of FRA)
ABC123: Departure, good morning, ABC123 climbing to FL60. (as described in SID) DEP: ABC123, good morning, climb to FL70. ABC123: Climbing to FL7000, ABC123. DEP: Are your sure your pressurisation system will be able to handle that, sir? ABC123: Right, climbing to FL70, ABC123.
And another one, also today (quite a fun day we had.):
GND: DEF456, taxi to holding point RWY25 via *quite a long taxi clearance*. DEF456: Taxi to holding point.... AH F*&CK!
(the other pilot comes on the radio) DEF456: Ground, Stand By, DEF456.
Happened at OPLA: An MFI-17 (single eng piston) lined up, a B-747 on finals don't know how far. ATC tells the Boeing cleared to land blah blah. boeing pilot says : ok, but what is this tiny toony thing on the runway..
MFI-17 pilot: Lahore, Zulu-20 rolling, CAUTION FOR PROPWASH..
Not sure if these have been seen before but when at "Gatters" in the 70's I had a bit of a reputation for quick wit! Inbound Britannia 737 "Gatwick, we have just descended through a layer of icing. "Quick as a flash "Roger, be advised that preceding A/C reported a thick layer of marzipan below that". Even quicker and before he could answer, "The A/C before him reported turbulence due to lots of currents, but not to worry as it was a piece of cake"! Brilliant I thought, no response from the Britannia crew but lots of chuckles from others. Reported in Flight so I sweated a bit afterwards! Another? Transiting light aircraft with a female on the R/T. Voice like melted chocolate and we asked her all sorts of rubbish just to listen. As they departed or airspace I asked " are you as pretty as you sound?" Very gruff male voice " Yes she is and I'm her husband!" Utter silence! Finally, BCal 111 on finals "Outer marker Caledonian 123" "no, sorry, Caledonian 124, I was 3 yesterday" Tower Controller "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you!" Wonderful days.
About 1997, just got the PPLh and feeling very confident, a friend (recently licenced) and myself made the long trek to Belfast from dublin on a windy crappy day. No gps and lots of being temporarily unsure of our position we finaly found aldergrove and upon pulling into the hover we were given (for the first time ever) taxi instructions. Needles to say we didnt have a clue and didnt have the proper taxi plates. atc were kind enough to simplify things,
ATC- EI-CCT just follow the chieftan to the ramp.
some discussion between my friend ensued so we asked for some clarification.
US- eh ground can you confirm whether the chieftan is the fella with the bats or is it the truck with the follow me sign?
ATC- Eh , CCT, its the twin engine plane behind you.