hvogt

I'm surprised this one hasn't been posted before.

ATC: Light Type 1, report your conditions.
Light Type 1: VMC, between two layers.
ATC: Light Type 2, report your conditions.
Light Type 2: VMC, between two layers.
ATC: Speedbird 123, report your conditions.
Speedbird 123: IMC, between two liars.

HardCB

ATC: " UN 2 0 4 Say Deestanse
AC: " Deeeeestanse UN204 " ( much giggling heard all over Angola )

ATC: " Un 204 Say Rrraaydial "
AC: " Rraaydial....UN204 "

ATC: ( rather faster now ) " UN204 Say flight level "
AC: Flight level Un204

ATC: "UN204 Say flight plan canceled "
AC" um um um 85 miles,182 radial FL220

ATC: UN 204 please join with me in tower upon arrival...bring presents !

Flyting

EXCELLENT.......

Aluminium Mallard

There was a tractor mowing the grass around the airfield today.

After requesting to cross an active runway and operate in the helicopter training area I was informed of another helicopter "mowing the grass" in the vicinity haha!

I could hear the other ATC guys laughing in the background

AC Scott

Korean ATC: China Air ## heavy increase climb rateee

China Air ## heavy: Ah razha, Increase crime rate

HispeedApproved

From one of my former colleagues, generally a funny guy...

Pilot: "TWR, SAS123, did we check in?"

ATC: "No you didn't. Please do"

jjj2

Over the frequency somewhere in the southern Europe:

Controller: State the purpose of your flight?

Aircraft: Ah, pay the alimony, make some money and have a good time

Controller: I meant, are you commercial flight or private flight?

Aircraft: Aforementioned still applies but we are a commercial one

flying apple

Overheard this as first thing on the ground frequency after landing somewhere in the UK:

AC: How bad is it?
GROUND: Not as bad as being poked in the eye with a wooden stick. Your slot is at ..:..

haughtney1

Landing at LHR..clearing the runway and contacting ground...in sheeting rain and blowing a gale..
"xxxx123 runway vacated A7....lovely weather!"
"xxxx123, left on Alpha hold short link 26....yeah and there's still a hosepipe ban!"
Classic LHR humour

Jwscud

An absolute genius controller at Thames yesterday to me, struggling against the wind in a light single with a ground speed around 120kts

Controller: "G-XXXX Left heading 345 degrees - no speed restriction"

Us: "We're giving it all we've got!!"

woocash

APP: "XXX123 report speed"
XXX123: "Speed is good, 250 knots."
APP: "Reduce 220 knots"
XXX123: "Reducing to better speed"

speed alive

Arriving in FRA on a Shorts 3-60:
APP: ...good morning, my papers say, your callsign is 'irish concorde' today!
Pilot: ..oh and my approach chart says yours is 'Egelsbach Radar'!
(Egelsbach is a VFR airfield just south of FRA)

KriVa

ABC123: Departure, good morning, ABC123 climbing to FL60. (as described in SID)
DEP: ABC123, good morning, climb to FL70.
ABC123: Climbing to FL7000, ABC123.
DEP: Are your sure your pressurisation system will be able to handle that, sir?
ABC123: Right, climbing to FL70, ABC123.

And another one, also today (quite a fun day we had.):

GND: DEF456, taxi to holding point RWY25 via *quite a long taxi clearance*.
DEF456: Taxi to holding point.... AH F*&CK!
(the other pilot comes on the radio)
DEF456: Ground, Stand By, DEF456.

caviator

Happened at OPLA:
An MFI-17 (single eng piston) lined up, a B-747 on finals don't know how far.
ATC tells the Boeing cleared to land blah blah.
boeing pilot says : ok, but what is this tiny toony thing on the runway..
MFI-17 pilot: Lahore, Zulu-20 rolling, CAUTION FOR PROPWASH..

autolycus224

Not sure if these have been seen before but when at "Gatters" in the 70's I had a bit of a reputation for quick wit! Inbound Britannia 737 "Gatwick, we have just descended through a layer of icing. "Quick as a flash "Roger, be advised that preceding A/C reported a thick layer of marzipan below that". Even quicker and before he could answer, "The A/C before him reported turbulence due to lots of currents, but not to worry as it was a piece of cake"! Brilliant I thought, no response from the Britannia crew but lots of chuckles from others. Reported in Flight so I sweated a bit afterwards!
Another? Transiting light aircraft with a female on the R/T. Voice like melted chocolate and we asked her all sorts of rubbish just to listen. As they departed or airspace I asked " are you as pretty as you sound?" Very gruff male voice " Yes she is and I'm her husband!" Utter silence!
Finally, BCal 111 on finals "Outer marker Caledonian 123" "no, sorry, Caledonian 124, I was 3 yesterday" Tower Controller "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you!"
Wonderful days.

rayfill

I did the major part of my flight training in AZ, based in Mesa flying from Falcon Field airport.
We shared the airport with lots of students from France, Holland, Germany, China etc.

However, everytime a chinese student checked in with tower, we knew what was coming:

F*cking Tower, good morning, NXXXX

G-OE

Heres something I heard a while back, made me and my instructor chuckle :

LTN RDR: 'G-XXXX, whats you destination'
G-XXXX : 'No where, just gonna fly about for a bit.'
Random voice: '....wow...'

whatsarunway

About 1997, just got the PPLh and feeling very confident, a friend (recently licenced) and myself made the long trek to Belfast from dublin on a windy crappy day. No gps and lots of being temporarily unsure of our position we finaly found aldergrove and upon pulling into the hover we were given (for the first time ever) taxi instructions.
Needles to say we didnt have a clue and didnt have the proper taxi plates. atc were kind enough to simplify things,

ATC- EI-CCT just follow the chieftan to the ramp.

some discussion between my friend ensued so we asked for some clarification.

US- eh ground can you confirm whether the chieftan is the fella with the bats or is it the truck with the follow me sign?

ATC- Eh , CCT, its the twin engine plane behind you.


we were better prepared next time

Navigator33

Twr good morning ABC XXX is on the microwave 27L

Glamdring

I don't get it???