View Full Version : Crap animals
17th Jan 2003, 07:47
Okay okay, many people think that all of God's creatures are wonderous beasts, and that we should rejoice in the variety of the animal kingdom. Some would avow that certain animals have utility for the human race, as food or as beasts of burden; while other animals are easy on the eye.
However, let's face it, some animal species are simply crap. Not edible; not useful; not particularly pretty: just plain crap.
For instance, would some one like to suggest why on earth hedgehogs exist? I'll allow that they provide a certain interest in that they hide their crapness in thorny hide. However, they're not exactly cuddly are they? And few people would try and scoff an animal that lives off slugs and worms; the few people who would are just as happy eating the slugs and worms directly. They're not even a nice colour.
Hedgehogs really are total crap.
I invite my fellow JBers to provide some other examples...
17th Jan 2003, 08:39
Cuddleability is not exactly a survival trait Mr Woo, although come to think about it perhaps it is, its strange how the young of most critters are cute to us talking monkeys.
Perhaps a moments hesitation on the part of a Neadertal, to coo and burbble over the huge appealing eyes of a baby Crow Magnon, before biting its head off, allowed said critter sprog to escape and therefore continue his line.
One does not include the insects in this generalsation of course, they are apparently necessary in the scheme of things, but in Draper mind anything with more than four legs should be stomped upon. ;)
17th Jan 2003, 08:48
Interesting thought that, Herr D; Insects are a good starting place for this discussion.
If we literally stamped out the world's population of mosquitos, then that would be the end of malaria wouldn't it? I'm not aware of any other uses for mosquitos. Yer can't eat 'em, nor are they cuddly. I suppose the odd Western greenie might get a it upset, but the 3 billion of the earth's inhabitants that live in mud huts would be most grateful, and would probably carry the vote.
Ok, unless there are any counter arguments, mosquitos are officially a pain in the neck (pun intended) and crap. They should be eradicated as soon as possible.
17th Jan 2003, 08:55
Another little known fact about mosquioes Mr Woo is they are resposible for that curse of the negro peoples, sickle cell anemia.
Aparently inheriting the gene from one parent protects one from Malaria and is a useful survival trait, but if you get the gene from both parents this results in one developing sickle cell, which also goes to prove that mother nature cocks things up occasionaly.
You are correct, one cannot think of one useful function or service provided by that particular bug,into room 101 it goes.
17th Jan 2003, 09:00
I'll go along with you Tricks.
One of the little blighters nearly did for me in Singapore about four years ago. How can a tiny little thing cause a relatively healthy Caucasian like me to run up 40 grand in medical bills and nearly meet my maker??
It took me the best part of a year to fully recover.
Terminate them with extreme prejudice.
17th Jan 2003, 09:06
Indeed TW, and didn't the WHO try that one before by spraying everything with DDT? Only to chicken out - and now some statistics show that countries that sprayed with DDT suffered fewer deaths to DDT than the unsprayed suffered from malaria from mosquito bites :(
Thing is though, the creatures I like the least tend to be rather useful - cows for example. Nasty, brutish things. But I like hamburger and leather shoes. And arachnids in general - far too many legs and scuttling is a simply disturbing manner of locomotion, but, they do tend to keep the numbers of insects to levels where you can breathe through your mouth without choking to death on flies.
Now your average politician - that's an animal I could happily see eradicated :)
17th Jan 2003, 09:14
Oi Tricky, lay off those poor hedgehogs, they are hybernating now, and cannot respond!.
In China, they are considered sacred, and are a protected species. In the States, where they have no indigenous species, they have a thriving pet industry, based on the Pygmy Hedgehog from Central Africa. There are actually shows, where they can win prizes! Enough said. There is actually an international society - http://hedgehogclub.com/
Seriously though, there has been a massive decline in numbers in the UK because of changing farming practices, which is why you will increasingly find them in urban area, usually squashed!
Now to get serious, for a moment.
If you have a garden, please don't use slug pellets unless you really have to, and then place them in pipes, or under raised slabs, where the slugs will still commit suicide, but the hedgehogs can't get to them. In fact, a hedgehog is the best method of getting rid of slugs, so encourage them!
Please never ever put out bread & milk. If you feel a need to feed them, use cat or dog food(no fish), or even breakfast cereal. They need water, so are attracted to ponds. They can swim, but cannot get out of smooth-sided ponds. Please leave a piece of chicken wire to help them get out.
End of hedgehog service announcment.
Now how about those squirrels............
Shaggy Sheep Driver
17th Jan 2003, 09:15
I hate Mossies (not the DH variety, of course) but no doubt they are in some other creature's food chain. You wipe out the mossies, and something else goes to. And that causes the demise of another species. Mess with the delicate life balance at yor peril.
However, I'm all for elimination of domestic (as opposed to working) dogs. They are entirely man-made and quite unsuited to the urban environment. They get bored and frustrated as 'pets' so they bite postmen and kids, their constant barking can drive folks crazy, and they leave their crap everywhere.
17th Jan 2003, 09:17
(All Greenies should look away from the screen).
How to purposely make a species extinct
i. Find some examples of the species.
ii. Breed them in captivity, carefully selecting only the largest bad-ass ones for the next breeding cycle.
iii. After a few cycles, you should have some bloody big uns.
iv. The above takes a little time, so while you're waiting, sequence their genetic code. You're looking for a very specific area in the sequence: the one that determines the sex of any offspring.
v. Identify the sequence of 'male only offspring', or alternatively 'not female offspring'. Some species have both types of sequence.
vi. Apply those genetic changes to your by now very large and strong breeding examples.
vii. Generate a few thousand bad-ass males (no females will be produced by that last cycle, of course).
viii. Release into the wild.
x. Lo and behold, the big bad-ass males have won many of the beauty contests, by fighting off a large proportion of the weedier natural population.
xi. Enough of the natural males successfully mate, thereby producing some more natural males and females.
xii. However, there's plenty more bad-ass males around now, and slightly fewer natural males.
xiii. Repeat for a few breeding cycles.
xv. Not long to go now...
xvi. The last natural female on the planet mates successfully with one of the many, many bad-ass males. She gives birth to a new brood of bad-ass males. When they grow up all strong and handsome, there'll be no natural females around to mate with.
xvii. End of the line.
17th Jan 2003, 09:24
Mosquitos - eurgh. Not only malaria and sickle-cell anaemia, but the little bu99ers also gave me a dose of Dengi fever when I lived in parts tropical. B@<hidden> Hate 'em.
Little dogs that yap. Though I suppose they do provide fodder fer real dogs like a Ridgeback. :D
17th Jan 2003, 09:29
Dogs are crap.
Who wants a dog as a pet, really ??
You have to walk the stupid ******s morning noon and night.
They crap all over the pavement, cost a fortune in medical bills and generally make a nuisance of themselves.
The last girlfriend that I had owned a stupid hound that covered her flat in hair, followed you around the place and climbed all over you before trying to lick your face with its tongue (which it had probably just licked its ass with).
:D ;) :D
17th Jan 2003, 09:30
I think that you are right but there is a more worrying angle to this. I seem to remember that, when they used DDT to reduce the mozzie population in Malaya, the even worse things that mozzies used to feed on proliferated, and this led to even worse human diseases.
Although I do like dogs and even have a cat, I agree that all domesticated animals, and especially non-working horses should go. ( And I do not consider that work covers plodding down the road with some awful child on it's back)
17th Jan 2003, 09:30
One cannot agree with the elimination of the hound though, were it not for small white hound Drapes would prolly still be involved in his previous hobby of, err dismantling err, things. :(
17th Jan 2003, 09:31
Eradicate the pet dog population, and the world's fleas would surely follow. Not a fan of fleas, myself, but they are a most necessary component of a flea circus, as I'm sure you know.
Anyway, I'm not fussy what would starve without mosquitos. Mosquito sucks my blood. Wotsits eats mosquito. Ergo, Wotsits suck my blood. Damn the torpedos, I say, and give it a whirl. It's time for this house of blood sucking cards to come crashing down.
Anyone who is concerned that making a species extinct would require DDT or some other nasty chemicals should read my recipe above.
It's already been used to wipe out an non-green card carrying insect population that was plaguing the southern parts of the USA. It's a bit, er, morally reprehensible, but quite effective, one hears.
Also, those nice Aussies are looking at doing something similar with the bunny and fox populations, but there's a bit of concern that a male super-bunny could swim to Europe and cause chaos.
17th Jan 2003, 09:41
Mr Woo, one recomend that you read that fine poem, the title and author of which Drapes cannot recal at the mo.
It goes thus.
For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
for want of a shoe the horse was lost
For want of a horse the err, thingy was lost
One assumes you get the drift Mr Woo, everything no matter how miniscule has its place in the order of things,we tamper with them at our peril.
Still, even bearing this philosophy in mind, it is difficult to see what possible use fashion designers and art luuvies are, I think we can eliminate them in safety.
17th Jan 2003, 09:49
Oh, come on, let's just do it for a laugh. Might be interesting, eh?
17th Jan 2003, 10:43
Yup, hate mosquitos, gave me Dengi fever in Singapore in 1998.
Down here in Australia the Huntsman spider feeds on them, a large, usually harmless to humans, spider which we encourage rather than kill.
Throughout history dogs have earned their place with man, if they are not properly trained and their owners don't clean up after them it is not the dogs fault, get rid of the crap owners I say.
Cockroaches must go and unless someone can stop them from the indiscriminate killing of birds and small mammals they can take domestic cats with them, (except my wife's two, that is!).
Crocodiles don't seem to be worth keeping either.
17th Jan 2003, 10:56
Can't agree on crocs Mr Eagle!
Nature has given up trying to improve upon them. They're more or less the same that they were 150 million years ago -- now that's astounding.
Yip they take the odd German tourist up in Queensland, but they're bloody good at what they do and we should leave them alone.
Anyway, my next nomination is the tapeworm. We used to have one in a jar in our science lab in school. It had been taken from the intestines of a dog. The vile thing was 12 feet long.
17th Jan 2003, 11:02
Sorry, Mr Eagle, but crocs are useful for leather goods, shoes and whatnot. No transvestite would be seen dead without his croc-skin handbag.
I've also got it in for natterjack toads. Pain in the arse when someone finds one. Invariably in a field designated for a motorway or something. Why don't we just push the little fcukers over the edge and have done with it? No one can tell me they're a crucial member of the food chain, 'cos there's only about three of 'em left.
17th Jan 2003, 11:09
Crocodiles - More ancient than history itself, totally impervious to improvement but indispensible to sexual deviants - could that be the Church or the UK Labour Party?:)
17th Jan 2003, 11:48
Newts are sodding useless too.
17th Jan 2003, 11:56
There are a few talking apes in my office who are pretty useless, do they count?
17th Jan 2003, 12:20
Lay off the newts. What would you be as p!ssed as without 'em?
Dogs are not as crap as alot of people. In fact His Spottiness might be a people.....
Shaggy Sheep Driver
17th Jan 2003, 12:24
Wasps! Bloody wasps!
I hate them!!
They invite themselves to every summer picnic, barbie, and pub garden. They try to drink your beer and eat your nosh. They don't take the hint when you you take a swipe at them - they stupidly and annoyingly persist in simulataniously ruining the event, trying to sting you, and trying to rob you.
They've got to go! Them and John Prescott.
17th Jan 2003, 12:34
Mozzies get my vote too, being a fellow dengue sufferer.
But Mr Draper is right about the hazards of meddling in food chains. In 1998 the Vietnamese government tried to stop people eating snakes and cats, because the rat population was exploding and eating all the crops. Instead, the peasants just started eating rats as well. And now the number of snails has sharply increased - another culinary opportunity! But where will it end?
Incidentally, a Vietnamese friend swears that rat is a good alternative to MSG. Something to think about next time you fancy a takeaway...;)
17th Jan 2003, 12:43
Hmm, can't see any detrimental impact if we eradicate wasps. So, a few flowers won't get pollinated. Big deal.
As Herr D would say: the wasps go into Room 101. Er, along with newts, 'cos I don't accept the counter argument.
17th Jan 2003, 12:44
Shaggy Sheep Driver
I agree Wasps are as useful as a certain portly Jag driving minister.
At least they are not responsible for the buslanes, all they do is the back stroke in your beer.....
Bees contribute something by making honey
I suppose the ultimate nightmare is being caught in a traffic jam next to a buslane with a wasp in the car....
17th Jan 2003, 12:45
Seems a bit harsh to put ALL dogs into Room 101. What about poodles and pekinese just to be going on with?
17th Jan 2003, 12:47
Interesting snippet just been on local news here,a Bigfoot has been sighted at Bolam lake in Northumberland, I kid you not.
Investigators from the cente for Fortean research are winging their way northward as we speak.
Now it strikes Drapes that we have managed without Sasquatches in the UK for all these years so we could eliminate these critters without any detremental effect on the food chain.
PS I believe it is illegal to shoot sasquash un the USA, so we had better hurry up before the luuvies happen upon this report, for as sure as eggs is eggs they will aply for a court order protecting this hairy Northumbria from us facists.
17th Jan 2003, 13:00
How can you tell the difference between a Northumbrian and a Bigfoot? Bigfoot is better groomed.
Anyway, probably some drunken Scot migrating south for the winter.
17th Jan 2003, 13:04
If yer ever round these parts, I know of a portakabin which serves a fine ratburger.
I know how to treat a lady...
17th Jan 2003, 13:25
I've never really seen the point of meercats. Frequent appearances on silly birthday cards is not a raison d'etre in my book.
17th Jan 2003, 13:41
Can't disagree with the anti mosqueto brigade, but closer to (my) home, wasps have no purpose other that to annoy humans, particularly when enjoying a pint in the fresh air.
Wouldn't mind wasps disappearing.
17th Jan 2003, 13:49
My supervisor. :)
I would like to stand in defense of the hedgehog though. They are cute and cuddly. And they keep slugs controlled. Plus you can use their skin to make a rather fetching set of lingerie. Useful for over-protective fathers. To give to their daughters to wear I mean. ..
Actually, wasps are important for pollination - even if they don't produce honey as a by product. There are many species which are only pollinated by wasps, the fig family for instance.
17th Jan 2003, 14:16
Never liked figs, so a worthwhile sacrifice, methinks.
p.s. Herr D, off skiing for the weekend, so I'll leave everything in your capable hands.
17th Jan 2003, 14:24
Trust you've got some 'chopper' insurance Tricky.....
What about spiders?
Yeah, they have a limited use in killing flies and other undesirables but they're so fricking ugly and scary! :eek:
Why do they need eight legs? Was god pissed up when he handed legs out to spiders or was he simply NOT standing next to a mirror when us humans stepped into the que?
Why do they sit motionless and out of sight for ages, then dart like a burning spastic across my living room floor as (my now ex) burd would sit tickling my head thus forcing me to lift my fat lummocks of a body up off the floor and jump onto the sofa making me look like a total girly shirt-lifting tosspiece?
Why do some people keep them as pets? In my opinion this shows stratospheric levels of wierdness.
Why do TV programmes enjoy not warning us when they're about to show a full screen close up of the nasty bastids?
Why do Spiders exist?
PS: On a plus side I do admire their webs but not when they get wrapped around my bloody head whilst walking through my own garage.
17th Jan 2003, 15:00
Well yer can eat em VFE, they are the same family as the Crab Lobster and Shrimp, seem some south american chaps cooking and eating Tarantulas once.
One admites not to liking the little buggas oneself though.
17th Jan 2003, 15:40
just coz we don't like critters (mozzers, wasps etc) doesn't necessarily make them cr@<hidden> mozzers are pretty good at doing what they do, likewise wasps. I hate 'em both and wish there was a plague we could smite them with. Now the Giant panda... there's an animal that really is crap.
It only eats bamboo whcih is so poor in nutrients that it has to eat vast quantities just to stay alive. it's diet is so poor in nourishment that it hardly has enough energy to metabolise let alone do anything interesting and to cap it all occasionally the bamboo plants flower and it all dies (wish that would happen to the one in my garden!) leaving the poor ole panda with nothing to eat. Add to that the fact that they seem to be so non-plussed with sex that they can';t even breed properly... well you get the picture.
I nominate the panda...
17th Jan 2003, 15:49
Same goes for Koalas!
Now howsabout the cockroach?
17th Jan 2003, 15:58
If I may intrude,
Lets assume for a moment that all of you especially Tricky Woo whom I enjoy swapping emails with have never read Rachel Carson's book "Silent Spring" which was the impetus for the environmental movement. Given that, you might miss the wasp which attacks certain crawly bugs whose identity escapes me at the moment. All of the other creatures either are a food source for more likeable animals or prey on more destestable creatures. EXCEPT the tape worm, I have never found a good reason to support the continued existence of the tape worm. You can not eradicate cockroaches, they would survive the simulataneous use of all the WMD on the planet. So kill the tape worm.:p
Why were they created? What was Mother Nature thinking?
I agree on the useless,yappy dogs. No one to blame but man in their creation and gives me a chance to hurdle obscenities to tv screen as I watch the Crufts or the Westminster dog shows,not just dogs but their obese (is this word politically correct?) handlers as they trot along with their charges as they pop liver tid bits..one for you,ten for me..
Domesticated cats are great, the ultimate killing machines with grace. Makes me thankful for our sizes though,otherwise we would be history.
Goats. Great way to swear off from dairy products after spending minute or so with a billy.
17th Jan 2003, 17:01
Wow! What do you do if you're really keen? Splash out at McDonald's? :D
Thank you for your kind invitation, but I think I shall stick to making my own. I'm not a fan of processed foods - too many additives...
17th Jan 2003, 17:06
Probably the most crap animal? Homo Sapiens. To quote Agent Smith: 'What purpose do you serve? You a just a parasite.'
From The Stranglers 'Who wants the world?':
They came down on the Monday,
Somewhere in the Midlands,
Tasted man, tasted flea,
Couldn't tell the difference."
Personally I say leave the poor humans alone cuz they're dead cute......especially the female ones.
17th Jan 2003, 20:29
:eek: MOTHS!!!! :eek:
They have to go,.. I can't cope with 'em AT ALL!!
Same goes for butterflies,... sorry, but they gotta go too.... :(
17th Jan 2003, 21:02
Hedgehogs are useful for flavouring potato crisps. Don't see how you could call 'em hedgehog flavoured otherwise.
Ticks are dreadful, my dog used to get em in Germany (duty free).
Mossies are food for many different species of bird.
Surprised no one's mentioned bats yet.
Cats are worst. They kill nice birdies and meece and crap in my garden every time I dig it. They also kill my hedge by peeing up it.
Sloths are pretty pointless, much like those Koala bears.
Head lice anyone? :)
17th Jan 2003, 21:05
Icky squishy things.
Capable of scoffing two seed trays of sweet basil seedlings in a night.
Horrible horrible creatures.
One rainy morn I looked out of my patio doors to see a particularly vicious looking slug grad my one remaining seedling by the stalk, chew and twist until the poor little plant was torn off at the base and then the horrible creature swallowed the two inch plant.
They don't like having an ashtray upended over them though.
20th Jan 2003, 07:40
Been thinking good and hard about this during the weekend. I've decided that the food chain might be more fragile than I initially though, so each has been carefully chosen to avoid that sort of thing.
Here's a short list of crap animals that I nominate for Room 101:
20th Jan 2003, 08:00
I rather like ostriches.
This has nothing to do with the fact that a few years ago, the one which was wandering around the rather dilapidated zoo in Butterworth (Malyasia) took a dislike to my mother-in-law.
Ma-in-law was chased from pillar to post with this huge bird trying to peck her ample posterior.
If only I'd had my video with me, I'd have won one of those funny home video competitions for sure. Got a couple of nice stills though. :D
20th Jan 2003, 17:21
CATS Definitely cats. The domestic variety of course. And Andrew Lloyd Weber.
20th Jan 2003, 17:48
I would never, ever subject anyone to the terrible fate that is McDonalds.