View Full Version : Epitaphs
7th Oct 2002, 21:38
Found a really good book of epitaphs....
Here lies the mother of children seven.
Three on earth and four in heaven,
The four in heaven preferring rather
To die with mother than live with father .....
It is so soon that I am done for
I wonder what I was begun for!
anyone got any others?:D
7th Oct 2002, 21:46
Under this sod lies another.:D
WE Branch Fanatic
7th Oct 2002, 22:24
Here lies poor Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
For sixteen years she kept her virginity
A marvellous thing for this vicinity
7th Oct 2002, 23:09
Someone told me that the late (and great) Spike Milligan's tombstone reads:
See, I told you I was ill!
7th Oct 2002, 23:12
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. --Gravestone near Uniontown, Pa.
Peas is not here,
Only the pod.
Peas shelled out,
Went home to God. --Epitaph in a cemetery near Wetumpka, Ala.
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Where e'er you be let your wind go free.
Keeping it in was the death of me!
She always said her feet were killing her,
but no one believed her
On a spinster postmistress:
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
In memory of Ellen Shannon, age 26 years,
Who was fatally burned Mar. 21, 1870
By the explosion of a lamp filled with
R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid.
7th Oct 2002, 23:34
Here Lies Count Dracula
7th Oct 2002, 23:36
The hell was that......
See, I told you I was ill!
John le Mesurieur
7th Oct 2002, 23:44
"I would still like a second opinion" - I heard this was Spike Milligan's?
'Here lies(.......name...............) A soldier in the Royal Hampshire Regiment who died from drinking too much beer on a hot day'
- an actual gravestone in the yard of Winchester cathedral.
8th Oct 2002, 00:37
I have to agree - Spike Milligan.
Honey you don't know what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this, a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich, Eufala, Alabama)
8th Oct 2002, 02:14
This is from an interesting cemetary on Norfolk Island, some of the other epitaphs of various convicts who ended their days there are not as genteel as this one.
Ye Christian Bretheren as ye pass by
Pray on this tomb cast an eye
As I am now so you must be
Prepare yourselves to follow me
8th Oct 2002, 02:34
8th Oct 2002, 08:29
Billy Connely (according to his biography) wants written in very small letters at the bottom of the stone..............
"You're standing on my balls."
8th Oct 2002, 08:58
Something along the lines of a Ken Dodd "funny" :
--Did'nt reckon much to the re-incarnation option .--
--Pointless coming back as a tin of milk .--
OK , I know ! :o
A dead boring one ?
--In life I was a necrophilliac .--
--Now I'm in Heaven .--
Give me some slack , at least its original !
Grim Reaper 14
8th Oct 2002, 10:43
Feck me, is it that time already?!
Biggles Flies Undone
8th Oct 2002, 11:22
Poor old John
He's dead and gone
He'll trouble us no more
What he thought was H2O
8th Oct 2002, 18:32
"John Le Mesurier wishes it to be known that he conked out on November 15th. He sadly misses family and friends."
Lots more here (http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/LastWords.html)
Mac the Knife
8th Oct 2002, 19:21
Well-known, but still my favourite....
The Epitaph of Young Benjamin Franklin
The body of
B. Franklin, Printer
(Like the Cover of an Old Book
Its Contents torn Out
And Stript of its Lettering and Gilding)
Lies Here, Food for Worms.
But the Work shall not be Lost;
For it will (as he Believ'd) Appear once More
In a New and More Elegant Edition
Revised and Corrected
By the Author.
Benjamin Franklin's actual final Epitaph was a bit plainer....
Benjamin and Deborah Franklin: 1790
9th Oct 2002, 13:21
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
9th Oct 2002, 20:43
Got another one:
Here lies I, Martin Elginbrodde
Have mercy on my soul, Lord Godde,
As I would do, were I Lord Godde,
And thou wert Martin Elginbrodde........:D
I vaguely remember a rather 'blue' Scots comedian called Hector Nicol coming out with the story of the married couple who bought each other a headstone ..
He bought her one saying ... 'here lies my wife, cold as usual'
She rataliated with ... 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last'
10th Oct 2002, 12:53
Not an epitaph, but an obituary of Jeffrey Bernard:
"He had a number of wives, four of them his own."