Mobotu
25th Sep 2002, 08:34
On yet another boring non-stop-long-haul-over-african-skies flights I learned a valuable lesson on why one should never smoke in the toilet. It involved naturally our intrepetted hero CLEVER DICK (See article - Only in South Africa) and a rather young dumb and full of .......(you get the picture) co-pilot - ME!
Our company had recently introduced a No Smoking policy on board all aircraft - (I think it had more to do with saving money on seat repairs than possible future legal litigation) - and like all 'Good' ideas, in their wisdom they had decided what was good for the goose was good for the gander as well - which meant three men in a cockpit for hours on end staring at the autopilot without even a puff!
I didn't really mind myself - as I only puffed the magic dragon once in a blue moon and didn't consider myself a real smoker anyhow. But for the ellusive Captain CLEVER DICK this was just too much to ask. How could one talk about last nights sexual exploits without the calming effect of nicotine to dull the senses.
So DICK devised a cunning plan (note the spelling) - after dinner when everyone was settling in for the night across the Saharah he would give the wink and quietly make his way to the front toilet for his long-haul-fix. When the smoke detectors kicked in and lit up the cockpit - we knew it was just CLEVER and took no notice whatsoever.
On this particular night however - his plans were destined to go down the toilet. After dropping his now smoldering finished cigarette in the lav, DICK sat thinking about just how stupid this would look if caught on video. Who would think the Captain of all people, hostage in the toilet - puffing away on the cancer tube.
He sighed as usual and with that let out a fart that would bring tears to your eyes. The little cubicle reverberated with the echo and for just a brief moment the aircrafts pressurisation was really put to the test. Seconds later a thud emmenated from the front section followed by a blood curdling screem.
I heard the racket as the toilet door let fly and one red faced - bare arsed captain came rocketting out the door and bolted straight through first class and into the galley. Being the only other flying member of the crew I sent the F.E. to investigate the cause of the commotion - to which he eventually returned absolutely ribless and barely comprehendable.
When I managed to get the whole story out from this now incumbent crew member - I also fell victim to his predicament. "I don't know which" he said to me "is funnier". DICK bare arsed and firmly planted in the bucket of ice, or the air hostess's by now rolling around on the floor like infants - flat out refusing to make a visual!
Two things came of this little adventure that evening - CLEVER gave up smoking for good and none of the passengers asked for ice during the rest of the entire flight. DICK's hair eventually grew back and subsequent repairs were made to the door - and management - well you know them - they still insist that a no smoking policy is best for all!
Moral of the story - next time take the nico patch and gum - you might lose more than just hair and your 'reputation'!:D
Our company had recently introduced a No Smoking policy on board all aircraft - (I think it had more to do with saving money on seat repairs than possible future legal litigation) - and like all 'Good' ideas, in their wisdom they had decided what was good for the goose was good for the gander as well - which meant three men in a cockpit for hours on end staring at the autopilot without even a puff!
I didn't really mind myself - as I only puffed the magic dragon once in a blue moon and didn't consider myself a real smoker anyhow. But for the ellusive Captain CLEVER DICK this was just too much to ask. How could one talk about last nights sexual exploits without the calming effect of nicotine to dull the senses.
So DICK devised a cunning plan (note the spelling) - after dinner when everyone was settling in for the night across the Saharah he would give the wink and quietly make his way to the front toilet for his long-haul-fix. When the smoke detectors kicked in and lit up the cockpit - we knew it was just CLEVER and took no notice whatsoever.
On this particular night however - his plans were destined to go down the toilet. After dropping his now smoldering finished cigarette in the lav, DICK sat thinking about just how stupid this would look if caught on video. Who would think the Captain of all people, hostage in the toilet - puffing away on the cancer tube.
He sighed as usual and with that let out a fart that would bring tears to your eyes. The little cubicle reverberated with the echo and for just a brief moment the aircrafts pressurisation was really put to the test. Seconds later a thud emmenated from the front section followed by a blood curdling screem.
I heard the racket as the toilet door let fly and one red faced - bare arsed captain came rocketting out the door and bolted straight through first class and into the galley. Being the only other flying member of the crew I sent the F.E. to investigate the cause of the commotion - to which he eventually returned absolutely ribless and barely comprehendable.
When I managed to get the whole story out from this now incumbent crew member - I also fell victim to his predicament. "I don't know which" he said to me "is funnier". DICK bare arsed and firmly planted in the bucket of ice, or the air hostess's by now rolling around on the floor like infants - flat out refusing to make a visual!
Two things came of this little adventure that evening - CLEVER gave up smoking for good and none of the passengers asked for ice during the rest of the entire flight. DICK's hair eventually grew back and subsequent repairs were made to the door - and management - well you know them - they still insist that a no smoking policy is best for all!
Moral of the story - next time take the nico patch and gum - you might lose more than just hair and your 'reputation'!:D