Amusing Sayings

[BATCO]

Maybe done before (I'm thick skinned), but recently heard here from a German exchange officer:

1. We have never won a war since the formation of the Luftwaffe.
and

2. He'd rather his sister worked in a brothel than have a brother in the 'airforce'.


There must be more (not necessarily German in origin) out there........

Regards
Batco

[PDR1]

"I would rather my father worked for ten brexiters than one bremainer"

"Excellent - and what is his profession?"

"Undertaker..."

(with apologies to Hannibal)

PDR

[dctyke]

Most amusing in the Royal Air Force? Got to be 'soldier first'!

[charliegolf]

Most amusing in the Royal Air Force? Got to be 'soldier first'!

It will be. If anyone in the RAF ever says it!

[Arclite01]

'Not my circus - not my clowns.............'

[Lonewolf_50]

"We need a fresh goat, this one's fcuked out." ~ my lead petty officer, engine mechanic, during one of our usual interaction with the ship's supply department

[Roly]

"Boss, we need to go on the pill, as we're being f----d around so much by your flight commanders, there's a grave danger of us getting pregnant".

[PingDit]

"What the f*ck was that?"

[Evanelpus]

"What the f*ck was that?"

The old Mayor of Hiroshima joke, side clutching.


I remember dropping the pulley for the front winch point of a Vulcan engine change onto the head of someone standing on top of the engine supporting the weight of the winch. I saw it hit him and he went over like he'd been shot. He was bigger than me and I was in fear for my life, one of my mates said I was shaking like a $hitting dog, something that's always stuck in my mind!

[BEagle]

"Someone's just bailed out of that B-29!"

"So they have, but why only one B-29 and only one parachute?"

(Hiroshima resident, 6 August 1945)


"Thank heavens it wasn't us!"

(Nagasaki resident, 7 August 1945)


"There's really rather a lot of them. More than I thought there'd be, in fact!"

(General George Custer, 25 Jun 1876)

[airpolice]

You should have thought about that before you spilled the paint.

[OK465]

Sir, our squadron goal is to get to a point where we're doing less with more.

[Brian 48nav]

" Let's march down, ( to the squadron/line/shq or wherever ), save walking"

'I'm off for a spot of Egyptian PT ( i.e. for a kip )"

"We had lots of continental Irishmen on the squadron ( i.e Poles/Czechs )"


Thanks to Ted Gibson ex-WW2 bomber nav on 48 Sqn

[Jwscud]

Both for young whippersnappers:

"I was in Baghdad when you were in your dad's bag"

"I was on the main gate when you were on cow and gate"

The former a particular favourite...

[downsizer]

We're here to defend democracy, not practice it.

[NutLoose]

You don't have to walk over, you can run.

[NutLoose]

See you tomorrow...

Thanks for the warning.

[Pontius Navigator]

Both for young whippersnappers:

"I was in Baghdad when you were in your dad's bag"

.

And not so young.

They didn't say that to me but the wg cdr kept scoring points off the sqn ldr during my OASC interview (I didn't realise at the time that this was the green light).

[langleybaston]

you only smell strong.

[930305 LAC Langley]

[The Oberon]

He's that thick, even the armourers notice.

[Wensleydale]

...as much use as a fart in a bottle.

[NutLoose]

If you can't fix it, f*ck it, so no other f*cker can fix it.

[NutLoose]

If sh*t were brains, he wouldn't have enough to wipe his a*se

[Dan Gerous]

If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill a smartie.


As much use as a concrete parachute

[The Oberon]

If his brain exploded his beret wouldn't come off.

[airpolice]

If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't have joined.

[Cazalet33]

Drill Sgt at Cranditz:
"I'll kick you up the arse so fakkin 'ard you'll be ****tin' Kiwi for the next nine months, Sah!"

[Pontius Navigator]

"I would rather my father worked for ten brexiters than one bremainer"

"Excellent - and what is his profession?"

"Undertaker..."

(with apologies to Hannibal)

PDR
This was also stated by a French POW in Colditz

[woptb]

So confused he didn't know whether he wanted a 5h1t or a haircut!

[BBadanov]

If it floats, flies or fcuks, you're better off renting it !

[stevef]

Not a saying but a first hand account -
Telephones back in the 70s RAF (and no doubt earlier & later) had a sticker on them stating: Speech On This Telephone Is Not Secure. A disheartened soul had scraped off some letters so that it read Speech On This Telephone Is No cure...

[NutLoose]

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege.

[BEagle]

This thread is titled 'Amusing Sayings' - not adolescent smut.

NutLoose, your posts are particularly crude.

[airpolice]

It would be a funny old world if we were all amused by the same thing. But it's a funny old world anyway.

[pasta]

As useful as a chocolate teapot

As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike

[msbbarratt]

As useful as a chocolate teapotSorry, that one has lost its veracity:

Chocolate teapot proves useful - BBC News (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-29126161)

[Stanwell]

"As funny as a fart in church".


Now, who hasn't sniggered at that?

[ORAC]

If I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you.

[charliegolf]

This thread is titled 'Amusing Sayings' - not adolescent smut.

That's not in the least bit amusing...

CG

[Pontius]

When describing the skirt worn by a particularly large WREN:

"I haven't seen that much canvas since Victory was undergoing sea trials"

[CoffmanStarter]

"Well young man ... Her Majesty might need to spend more on your training to become a pilot than she can really afford" :(

[ExRAFRadar]

"Young man, you would be lucky to find the Aircraft let alone fly it"

Said to me by the Med Branch Officer, as he crushed my dreams of flying.

Still made me laugh.

[NutLoose]

W*nking makes you blind

Stuck on the ceiling of the dental section at RAF Odiham in the 70's where they used to gas you.

[NutLoose]

"Well I have a degree in geography"

The argument put forward by an officer on the sighting of an OP out in the field, (we had to move it after he left.)

[tartare]

"Watch this."

...heard shortly before a number of aeronautical accidents.

[charliegolf]

Clear left, oh, right one!

[Molemot]

"Moley, you've got eyes like a ****house rat...."

Recounted this some years later, to be met with the reply:

"Better than having eyes like a ratarsed ****...!"

[622]

Sir, If I call you a tw*t will I be in trouble?


Yes!


Sir, If I 'think' it, will I be in trouble?


Well, I guess not!


In that case Sir, I think you are a tw*t!

[PDR1]

The general consensus in the leadership community was that he would suffer performance shortfalls which would even inhibit an attempt to facilitate alcoholic beverage actualisation even at venues at the products would normally be manufactured.

PDR

[PDR1]

"That was a great speech, Mr President - every thinking american will vote for you!"

"Nowhere near enough - I need a majority..."

[PDR1]

God said “div D = ρ, div B = 0, curl E = - ðB/ðt, curl H = J + ðD/ðt,”

And there was light...

PDR

[PDR1]

A diplomat is a man who can persuade his wife she would look fat in a mink coat

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place (for the Truthers out there...)

"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world."
(Mary Shafer, Flight Dynamics, NASA Dryden)

“A thing of beauty is a job forever”
(Unofficial motto of all Cosmetic Surgeons).

PDR

[PDR1]

A philosopher is defined as a blind man in an unlit cellar at midnight searching for a black cat that isn’t there.

A theologian is identical in all respects save that he believes he has found the cat.

A lawyer, naturally, would smuggle the cat under his coat in order to brandish it theatrically when it best serves his purpose.

A scientist would accept the non-existence of the cat but be at pains to point out that its non-existence could only ever be assumed; never proven.

An engineer would briefly search for a cat and then employ his time more productively by constructing a superior cat replacement from the materials available in the cellar.

A soldier would shoot the cat to protect the liberty of the mouse, unless he was American in which case he would conduct a shock and awe campaign to win the heart and mind of the cat and (in the process) accidentally shoot the mouse.

PDR

[ShyTorque]

Student pilot course report:

"Pressing the engine start button precipitates a series of events over which Bloggs has little control".

[andytug]

Virtually everything in "What goes up must come down" by David Gunson. It's on YouTube, very funny after-dinner speech by an ATC.

[NutLoose]

CV I once read

Hobbies: Mandatory Gardening

[beardy]

In a training report : "I was never sure if he suffered from narcolepsy"

[Herod]

"I see no reason why men should follow this officer; except perhaps out of idle curiosity"

[Sloppy Link]

From a flying report, "I was impressed by this mans averageness".

The many put downs for the newbie.....

"When I joined, Centurion was rank, not a tank".
"I was in Baghdad when you were in you dads bag".
"Pontius was going through aircrew selection".
"We didn't have numbers, we all knew each other".
"Where are you from? What's your mothers name? Just working out where I was posted 18 years ago!".
"How many hours? No, not your night hours, your total.......oh, sorry that was your total".

[ATSA1]

A lot of similes here!

2 of my favourites, not covered yet..

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking contest

as sharp as a marble

[BBadanov]

Some of the faves from Annual Reports...

Leadership - "People follow him out of curiosity"
Personal qualities - "This man goes through life pushing on Pull doors"

[reynoldsno1]

Co-pilot: I don't understand why everyone calls me Wedge...
Nav: It's the simplest tool known to man ..

[tucumseh]

My boss in 1985, an RN Commander, on the phone to a hapless Lt. "Stand to attention, I'm about to give you a career brief on your brief career".

He paid attention and made Admiral.

[Surplus]

Some other annual report classics:

I would hesitate to breed from this officer.

Flt LT XXX uses her Majesty's aircraft to transport his genitals from one sexual liaison to the next.

His career in the Royal Air Force is depriving a village of it's idiot.

[Stanwell]

And..
He would be out of his depth sitting in a car parked in a puddle.

[John Eacott]

Yet another assessment was "I have seen this officer sober".

on the newbie put-downs:

When he joined there wasn't a Channel Patrol: we were still joined to the continent
When he joined, the RAF was painted blue, not wearing it

and of course:

The Navy has traditions, the RAF just have bad habits.

[S'land]

C******o - he couldn't find his arse with both hands anda map.

Said by my boss at the time about one of my juniors.

[Lancman]

An old Flight Engineer's saying "Never mind the Hun in the sun, it's the c**t in the front that'll kill you."

[Old Bricks]

Pilot to navigator in crew room - "What's the definition of gross stupidity?"
Nav - "Don't know."
Pilot - "144 navigators."
Nav - "Why 144?"

[57mm]

We don't have Wheels on our Squadron, we have Castors; one push to get them moving and they all go in different directions......

[Tashengurt]

If I wanted your opinion I'd give it to you.

If I wanted your opinion I'd give you a crayon.

[JW411]

What's the difference between a flight engineer and a stagecoach driver?

The flight engineer only has to sit behind two horse's arses.

[threeputt]

There is only one person on this unit that drinks more than this officer...his wife!

If this man had a brain he would be dangerous!

If this man had another brain it would be lonely!

Thrombo...a slow moving clot

3P

[JW411]

The definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks more than his doctor.

[teeteringhead]

Genuine - and I guess one-off - "newbie putdown" I heard in SOAF from an old-and-bold ex-RCAF, ex-RAF and then SOAF guy:

"I've been in more Air Forces than you've been on Squadrons!"

An another one really from a 1369 (not sure about some of the well-known if apochryphal ones earlier):

"This officer will never set the World on fire, but will be the first to help you put it out when someone else does!"

[The Oberon]

If you want a rigger for a neighbour, vote labour.

[wub]

How can anyone be so stupid with only one head

I was in the RAF when the Dead Sea was reporting sick

As much use as a handbrake on a canoe

[Compass Call]

Comment by a Rhodesian chopper pilot in SOAF after his conversion flight in a Bell 212.

" Christ, it goes up like a fart in a bath!".

[Tarq57]

He's as thick as a whale omelette.

[effortless]

Things you don't want to hear during a prostate examination.

"Look mum, no hands."

[Sloppy Link]

"Harder than a woodpeckers lips".
"This is warfare, not welfare".

[FantomZorbin]

"Sir, I'd follow you anywhere ... except into a bar!"

[woptb]

You can teach a monkey to ride a bike..........

[Treble one]

My dad (ex RAF ADO 57-61) used to have many lively debates with my chums grandfather (ex RA RSM WWII and beyond) about the current state of the armed forces.


After one very lively debate over a beer or two one Christmas, he came out with the rather withering.....


'Listen Chris, I was in when they were needing them, not when they were feeding them.'

[Fantome]

The only time he's on track is when he's crossing it.

KLM 747 captain on being told by approach controller. . . "you are left now of the centreline." "yes . . that is so .. and my first officer is to the right of it."

when a player on Fred Truman's team had missed a low ball that went straight through his legs to the boundary, he said to Fred when walking off for lunch -
"Sorry Fred . . should have kept legs together.." "No James .. . tha' mother should have."

or when Herbert Sutcliffe at the crease in a county game received a fast ball right in the crutch enough for him to drop his bat and rub the affected parts in a crouch .. . spectator from boundary calls. . . "Stop pleasurin' tha' self Herbert . .. play cricket!"

"You know I told you could go and get ******?"
"Yes" (indignantly)
"Well you don't have to." (the boss had intervened and told the first speaker to find the man he'd cursed and apologise)

Overheard at heated union meeting "Point of order . .. With all due respect Mister Chairman . . you're full of ****."

Heard at air force induction base at Sydney (Bradfield Park) during the war.
a comment about a new recruit wearing on parade his loud civilian sports jacket
"See Dalzeil there . . . he's forgotten to take the hanger out before he put his jacket on." (Read Keith Dunstan's 'No Brains At All' for much more in that vein.)

Dame Nelly Melba - "Sing 'em muck."

Peter O'Toole recalling what working with Guinness was like on 'Lawrence ..'he'd come sloping into the tent of a morning to start work with a face like a plate of condemned veal."

and a last one that Roger Bacon made almost a catch-cry in various captions in Straight and Level pages
"If you don't round out now Hoskins . . variable geometry won't help you."

[MPN11]

More a quote than a saying, but ...

My OH's Squadron Flight Sergeant at Cranwell conducting room inspection:

"What's this, Mr Bloggs?"
"Ummm - a cobweb, Flight Sergeant."
"A COBWEB?!! Cobwebs mean spiders, and spiders mean pets, and <steadily increasing volume>... PETS ARE NOT ALLOWED ... GET RID OF IT ... NOW!!'

Derek His***e was a lovely (and witty) man - the Cadets on the Sqn adored him :)

[Fantome]

concerning Bombadier Milligan at Bex Hill - his priceless stories of his first days in the army. I got off the train at Bex Hill. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there.
The stammering old officer who said Why are you late and why are you wearing civilian clothes? They wouldn't let me on the train naked sir. (Pity . . cannot find a transcript of those accounts)

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
****
My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
****
Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen
****
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
****
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
****
I told you I was ill.
(What he wanted for his epitaph!)
****
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
****
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
****
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
****
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
****
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
****
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.”
****
I thought I'd begin by reading a sonnet by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
****
Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.
****
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
****
Money can't buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy.
****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
****

[MPN11]

Did Bombasier Milligan have pet spiders?

[Gerry Mobbs]

February 1957,RAF Bridgenorth,National Service.Rifle drill not going too well.Corporal DI "if you lot don't get right I'll back-flight you so far you'll all be using bows and arrows.

[Danny42C]

"Join the Army and See the World !"

"Join the Air Force and See the Next !"

[Danny42C]

"I would not breed from this Officer"
(Assessment)

[Herod]

"I would not breed from this Officer"

Alternatively "Geld or Destroy"

[Hydromet]

Infantry WO II to Officer Cadet Dewhirst: "Officer Cadet, how do you pronounce your name?"
Dewhirst: "Dewhirst, Sergeant Major."
WO II: "Well, Dewhirst, I pronounce it De Whirst. De Whirst effing soldier in de whole effing army."

If you're reading this, Mike, I was right up there with you for that title.

[Fantome]

MAKES YOU think of the sergeant major played by winston?? in it aiin't half hot mum

love the Dewhirst one .. . in that book of Keith Dunstan's NO BRAINS AT ALL at that
Bradfield Park AD4 in Sydney .. . Dunstan tells the story of his mate James Dalziel
who was bawled out for not answering at role because as he said standing his ground
to the SM ' My name is pronounced 'DEAL' that has how it has been for centuries and sir . .
I shall not be changing that now for love or money." He was then placed on a charge.

[John Eacott]

concerning Bombadier Milligan at Bex Hill - his priceless stories of his first days in the army.

"I told you I was ill."
(What he wanted for his epitaph!)


In Gaelic, of course!

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/97478712.jpg

[langleybaston]

this man has the charisma of a cucumber!

[zkdli]

... bangs like a belt fed mortar....

[mopardave]

insult made to a sensitive and follicly challenged colleague overheard in a fire station mess room ..........'ere, so and so, you want a refund for that wig 'cos there's a big effing hole in it!

[Rotate too late]

When being briefed on a Wessex I was told " it's like flying a council house from the upstairs toilet..."
Still got in it as I was infantry back then....a second class ride ALWAYS beats a first class walk!

[NutLoose]

Hey, can I log this as tailwheel conversion?

[olympus]

It's a brave man who farts in Africa.

[Bladdered]

'flying officer x fails to meet even his own low standards'


Perversely, Fg Off x Went on to reach a significantly higher rank than the elderly flt lt who wrote this :)

[bluetail]

Many a Chief has said this about many an officer

I would follow that officer anywhere, just to see what f*ck up he makes next.

[Xenophon]

From National Service (related to me by one who was there)

Corporal to those tardy on parade :-

"Them what's keen gets fell in previous"

VD lecture - squaddie pipes up that employing a prophylactic during coitus would prevent the aquisition of an unfortunate infection.
Lecturer - "Pox can get through Wellington boots laddie"

[Tinribs]

As well as the great many funny or unfunny remarks made within groups there was a competition at one point to make routine orders slightly more interesting

Officers summer trousers
All officers will be issued with one pair of lightweight summer trousers
These will be made from the same material as WRAF skirts
This will cause a temporary shortage of lightweight serge material
WRAF skirts will be held up until officers without trousers are satisfied

It has come to notice that there are more permanent erection (sheds) in married quarters gardens than are needed.
All ranks are reminded that permanent erections in married quarters are not allowed

During the current epidemic of stomach infections only water passed by the medical officer is to be consumed

[ericferret]

Whats that area called between the c**t and the ars*o*e?

The centre console.

As overheard in passing between and antipodean avionics engineer and an easyjet crew.

[langleybaston]

For the elderly:

Never trust a fart
never waste an erection
never walk past a khazi without peeing

Oh! and RAF Finningley in the good old days had a phone number for Officer i/c Temporary Erections [B o B Day].

[Pontius Navigator]

LB, repetition

[langleybaston]

say again all after "good afternoon" please?

[tartare]

You mistake me for someone who gives a f*ck.

[Stanwell]

I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

[Motleycallsign]

During exercise periods on rotary we had a piece of advice for all new crews ' never pass a porcelain ' sure beat an elsan in the woods.

[Evanelpus]

One I use to people who irritate me at work is:

"Come again when you have less time"

Sadly, most of the morons here think it's a compliment!

[FantomZorbin]

"Can everyone hear me at the back?" ... "Yes, but I'm perfectly willing to swop!"




I say I say, what's the difference between ****** and a photo of ******? ... only the photo is fully developed!

[effortless]

On a bog wall at Old Sarum.

No use standing on the seat madam, the crabs round can jump ten feet madam.

You won't find any crabs jumping here madam. They're all in the front seats madam.

[Hydromet]

On the old VD posters that posed the question "Is 5 minutes of pleasure worth a lifetime of pain?" someone would always write "How do you make it last 5 minutes?"

[langleybaston]

Oh! well, if its the old lavatory wall:

I say I say I say!

I used to think Fellatio was a character in Hamlet ...............

Don't throw dog-ends in the urinal, it makes them soggy and difficult to light.

Is Cunnilingus the Irish Airline?

[Stanwell]

Oh, dear...
A man's ambition must be small
to write upon a sh1thouse wall.

To elevate the tone of this thread a little - a couple of workplace ones...

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh1t.
How about never? .. Is never a good time for you?
and...
Yes, I am an agent of Satan - but my duties are largely ceremonial.

[Sloppy Link]

Without this man, the Mess Bar would run at a loss.

[Saraband]

"You are not totally useless..........even you have some use as a bad example"

and

"Come to my office now and bring your successor with you"

[Ogre]

A personal one I was on the receiving end of:

It's early in the morning on a cold wet winters day and I'm walking up the hill to SHQ. Coming the other way is a very senior officer who is not looking like a ray of sunshine.

At the appropriate distance I saluted and said "good morning sir" to which I received the reply "Just the salute airman, I don't want a bloody weather forecast..."

[pasta]

"F*ckin' Hell!"

"Yes, Bloggs, you probably will..."

[Rwy in Sight]

Some bosses are like clouds: the minute they disappear, the day suddenly gets BRIGHTER!

[Herod]

...or the boss who claimed to have the "helicopter effect" i.e. the ability to hover over a problem and see the way through it. His staff referred to the "glider effect". Someone getting higher and higher by going round in circles over a lot of hot air.

[charliegolf]

The week's wider events have reminded me of one from the 80s:

"These people have all the attributes of a dog."









"Except loyalty.'

[57mm]

A certain Sqn Cdr was known as "Pigeon", as you practically had to throw stones at him to get him to fly.......

[twb3]

I have experienced the "seagull effect" boss: arrives, makes a great deal of noise, sh*ts all over everything, and flies away...

TWB

[Rigga]

Tern Hill Toilet Wall:
"Its no good standing on the seat
the crabs in here can jump 6 feet
And if you think that's f8€King high
Go next door, those B@stards fly!

On a 6442:
"I've thought about this airman's positive properties and have concluded that he can ride a bicycle!"

On the Line:
"...not me Chief. I'm engines waiting for a Bowser."
And
"Focking Focker is Focking Focked!!"

[Herod]

twb3. I think in the case of the "seagull" boss, you actually have to throw stones at him to make him fly.

[Slow Biker]

Harrier sqn graffiti: SEngO for Pope, he would be no good, but at least he would be in Rome.
Underneath: He could tell you the volume of a jam jar, but doesn't know how to get the lid off.

[Rigga]

"Can't make decision to the point that he won't tell you the time without involving someone else"

[Hydromet]

twb3, you forgot to include "steals everything he can,".

[tartare]

Australian cricket captain to team who insulted British cricket captain, standing at his elbow.

"Right! Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard??!!!"

[DHC4]

Not coming from the military world (I got a proper job after leaving school) don't bite. Worked with plenty who did, they used to come out with some strange and funny sayings.

Let's get of sticks and give it a blow, can we get the aircraft of jacks and take it out for an engine run.

Let's get some toys and make some noise, get some tools and go for an engine run.

Took me some time to work out what they were on about.

[Cat3508]

Australian cricketer Rod Marsh to Ian Botham. "Hows your wife and my kids" to which the reply was " The wife is fine but the kids are retarded"

[Arden4]

Everyone who comes to this office brings us joy.
Some when they arrive - some when they leave!

[Wageslave]

Took me some time to work out what they were on about.

Similar to trying to read your post then?.

[charliegolf]

Australian cricketer Rod Marsh to Ian Botham. "Hows your wife and my kids" to which the reply was " The wife is fine but the kids are retarded"

Similar to a question to Shane Warne: "Warnie, why are you so 'kin fat?" Reply: "Every time I banged your mother, she gave me a biscuit!" Withering!

CG

[langleybaston]

There must be a word for a disfunctional memory [like mine] that remembers who, when and where a brilliant phrase first is registered. The same memory fails spectacularly where it matters, of course.

Examples:

so poor he doesn't have a pot to piss in [passenger, Brighton Station, c. 1956]

Scarce as rocking horse **** [Forecasters' Course c. 1960]

Built like a brick ****house [Air Trafficker, RAF Leeming, c. 1965]

Like **** off a shiny shovel [Corporal fireman, RAF Guetersloh, c. 1970]

[Stanwell]

Goodness me, langleybaston...
You can remember who and when - yet, after all this time, you've yet to work them out?
I think we should sit down and have a chat .. over a pint and, your shout, of course. :cool:

[effortless]

On the bog wall. "Where would you run in four minutes?"

Underneath some wag wrote. "The ladies of course!"

[MPN11]

"It's like trying to teach a Teddy Bear to knit."

"It's like trying to plait fog."

[Ali Qadoo]

More bog wall wisdom.

"My mother made me a homosexual."

To which some wag added underneath, "If I gave her the wool, would she make me one?"

[Geordie_Expat]

"It's like trying to herd cats."

[dragartist]

If Brains were dynamite he would not have enough to blow his nose.


Orderly Sgt comes into the JRM. "Ok who called the cook at cnut"
in the background under their breath. "who called the cnut a cook"


Years back in our office at the beginning of the politically correct era we were discussing homosexuality. According to a daily paper 1 in 10 were supposedly that way. There was 20 of us in the office. Jim chirps up. "Come on Eric when are you going to own up". Poor old Eric was the butt of all our jibes which we put down to banter. I am sure today we would all have got the sack. Eric was quite a large guy. One day we were doing a job in the hydraulic bay under the floor on the Nimrod. He got stuck. I put my foot on his head like the Monty Python theme. Oh shut the F up and get down there.


Apprentice looking for a bit of advice - "Eere Drag....." Jim again. "Hey its Mr Dragartist to you"


Several years later when I was working with the Army I was on first name terms with most of the soldiers who referred to me as "Drag" oddly enough their Junior officers would always address me as Sir or Mr Dragartist.

[Pontius Navigator]

Or my daughter at an HR meeting,

He couldn't count over 10 even if he took his shoes and socks off.


*she is so PC now she would never say that today.

[ACW599]

There's a nice Brummie saying to the effect that "I wouldn't p*ss in his mouth if his teeth were on fire".

[teeteringhead]

"It's like trying to herd cats." Speaking of cats reminds me of a wonderful simile I heard from a CWO at Fort Rucker:

"As jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking-chairs!"

[Pontius Navigator]

Dragartist you remind me:

At the beginning of a lecture the lecturer said that statistically one in ten people are gay. Now I have been told that the tone of my voice sends gay people to sleep.

[dragartist]

Another one springs to mind from my time at JATE. We had a pilot who particularly liked a drink. I know we all do but this was really to excess. On one occasion the Army Capt trials officer who had been in the mess the previous evening refused to fly on the sortie the following morning.


The phrase was coined " You are not allowed to drink within 50 yds of the aircraft or smoke 8 hrs before flying".


There was hell to pay. But it was swept under the carpet.


Same Army Capt who was of Punjabi extract but from Bolton. We were in the bar one evening after dinner. King Housains crew used to stay over when the King was visiting UK for treatment. These guys were only about 5 ft nothing. how did their feet reach the pedals. One of these guys exchanged Arabic greetings with a waving of hands. Said Indian responded in a Lancashire accent "ehy up lad" or something similar.
The next evening we took them out to a pub we used in Shilton Dip. One of these guys asked "do you like Ladies?" I did not twig but he was inviting me to take my pick in his hariem back in the desert

[LoeyDaFrog]

Maybe done before (I'm thick skinned), but recently heard here from a German exchange officer:

1. We have never won a war since the formation of the Luftwaffe.
and

2. He'd rather his sister worked in a brothel than have a brother in the 'airforce'.


There must be more (not necessarily German in origin) out there........

Regards
Batco

From a former Boss at a Sqn beer call

"I've drunk enough beer to kill a civilian"

[charliegolf]

rom a former Boss at a Sqn beer call

"I've drunk enough beer to kill a civilian"

Thankfully, an RAF plod pulled him over at the back gate!

[LoeyDaFrog]

Thankfully, an RAF plod pulled him over at the back gate!

And said Boss is (by all accounts) tee-total and looking much healthier for it.

[Robert Cooper]

Busty as a three-legged dog in a pissing contest.

[dragartist]

Don't force it get a bigger 'ammer


Reminds me of the time we fitted BOZ on the Nimrod watching an armourer fit the pylon pins. Nothing like Guy Martin and his Spitfire wing pins that expanded a tenth of a thou when held in his hand. These were driven in and being bruised to hell. no jiggling (a technical term) just brute force! they must have got them out sometime later.


When I nod my head you hit it!

[mopardave]

there are three kinds of people in this world......those that can count..........and those that can't!

[G-ARZG]

...and there only 10 kinds of people, those that understand binary numbers, and those that don't.

[dragartist]

Back in the 80s in our design office at Wyton we had a couple of Ex Avro chaps from Woodford. one had worked on the Anson amongst other things. He was scruffy git. We would occasionally go to the mess for lunch. On the menu would be "Soup of the day - Cream of Reg's tie".


Not sure if it is an age thing but life was more fun in those days. You took it and dished it out. We had the section sacrificial pillock. In the main we all got on and made some good friends.

[Wageslave]

"I think it's broken, Chief"
"Well, gie it a float test then"
"???"
Demonstrates.
"!!!"
" Ah reckon eet were fooked lad"

[Pontius Navigator]

If you can't fix it with a hammer it's electrical.

[Tailspin Turtle]

If you can't fix it with a hammer it's electrical.
You can if it's an MGB fuel pump. (Also see, "Why do the Brits drink warm beer?"

[The Oberon]

Back in the 80s in our design office at Wyton we had a couple of Ex Avro chaps from Woodford. one had worked on the Anson amongst other things. He was scruffy git. We would occasionally go to the mess for lunch. On the menu would be "Soup of the day - Cream of Reg's tie".


Not sure if it is an age thing but life was more fun in those days. You took it and dished it out. We had the section sacrificial pillock. In the main we all got on and made some good friends.

Very true Drag, during my stint, 1964_1986, we tore each other up for a**e paper. I have seen tears shed at the crewroom bridge school, but at the end of the day we all drank together and woe betide any outsiders who tried to have a pop.

[mopardave]

you can't polish a turd.......but you can sprinkle a little glitter on it!
MD:ok:

[Hydromet]

From a very clever young lady at work, after we'd been subjected to an hours boring earbashing from a senior manager: "Can you tell us what you just said?"

[MarcK]

If it doesn't fit, doesn't force it.
Find out why it doesn't fit.
...
Then force it.

[OffshoreSLF]

From my days in the MN -

If it moves - oil it
If it doesn't move - paint it
And if it moves when you paint it - salute it!

[MPN11]

I was brought up with a variation of that (and I suspect there are many) ...

If it moves salute it.
If it doesn't move, pick it up.
If you can't pick it up, paint it.

[tartare]

In appreciation of an attractive woman.
"She can piss on my fish and chips."

[tartare]

What were that great sledge exchange between Warney and Richards?
Warney - after Richards misses a delivery "Can't you hit it mate? It's big and it's red."
Richards after smacking a six off the next delivery "Okay mun, now I've fokking hit it, you go an fokking find it..."

[622]

More on the cricket sledging.....

'So ******, why are you so fat?'

'Because every time I make love to your wife she gives me a biscuit!'

(Can't remember who said to who)

[andytug]

More cricket.

Javed Miandad (iirc) to Merv Hughes "You look like a fat bus conductor".

Next ball, clean bowled, stumps in all directions, Merv to Javed "Tickets please!"

[tartare]

Sorry - I know I've been posting a lot tonight but had to share this.
Son has just returned from a week with the RAAF Air-Cadets in Townsville.
One of the squadrons there has a mascot - a wedgetail eagle with the rank of Warrant officer - so the bird gets called sir.
He got demoted to Corporal a while back tho - cos he shat on the parade ground.

[Stanwell]

He was probably just busted to Flight Sergeant for that, Tartare.
He was taken down to Corporal for neglecting to direct an Airman to clean it up.

[collbar]

Whilst sitting on the pan a Basra some colleagues said...

"Here comes Tomahawk!"

"why do you call him that."

"you can see him coming, but there f@@k all you can do about it!"

"I can beat that. We used to have a boss called paveway..... we had to follow him building bridges"


and the classic parade ground saying!!

Drill Sgt leans in and places his stick on the shoulder of an airman in the second rank " there is a piece of sh*t on the end of this stick" the airman replies "Its not on this end!"

[falcon12]

Another parade ground saying, Halton early 60's. Drill sergeant to apprentices' being taught how to march - '' May your ear 'oles turn to arse'oles and sh*t over your collar''

It didn't help with the marching....

[Wander00]

Had a Drill Sergeant at the Towers called Malcolm P.....s - finest line in bellowed obscenity I ever heard - was posted as a discip sgt to MCTC Colchester.

[Fark'n'ell]

Written on a toilet wall many years ago

Here I sit all broken hearted,
Spent a penny,
Only farted.

[1.3VStall]

622 - it was Robert Key to Adam Gilchrist and he didn't say "make love"!

[622]

1.3, thanks for that...and I was keeping it clean :)

[BEagle]

"I will be with you, whatever"

Bastard :mad: !!

[dragartist]

Written on a toilet wall
"I hate Graffiti"
Some one had written underneath- "I hate all Italian food"

We had a chap we called Brad - because he was a small boring tool.

One of our bosses was a guy called Malcolm Hunt - this was quite a while before the American Pie films. - Yes you guessed. If he was out in the main office and his phone rang.... Telephone call for Mal....

[57mm]

On the MODSAP team in Riyadh in 1990, one of the branch officers was named
Mike Hunt. I don't know how he ever forgave his parents.....

[Stanwell]

We had a new young bloke come into our unit..
His surname was Paatz.
Well, of course, his rank was .. Private.
True!

[Old-Duffer]

In the Officers' Mess main toilet at RAF Finningley, where there was a gap between the bottom of the loo door and the floor, somebody has scratched: 'Beware limbo Dancers'.

Old Duffer

[Fantome]

ahhh Freddie Trueman . . . .

That great man of the game FST of Yorkshire said of a visit to play in India that not even bowels of concrete could slow the passage of the food on offer. . One of his memorable stories (and he had a million of them)
concerned the English bowler Alf Gover . In India in I think 1948 with the Honourable Lionel Tennyson his captain .
India won the toss and batted. Gover opened the bowling,. As FS told it Gover paced his run up and declared it good. Turning he started his long run in arms and legs going like pistons .. . he passed his crease increasing speed down the pitch past the startled batsman on strike. He brushed aside third man and dodged two more leaving the field to enter the pavilion still at a cracking pace . . . After a minute or two the captain decided to see what had happened to Gover. He goes into the dressing room . . Gover. .. . where are you Gover? I'm in the ****house sir. What are you doing in there Gover? I've shat my pants sir. . . . Oh thats a pity Gover. Could we have the ball back now .. we want to get on with the game.

[Stanwell]

Another one ..
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

[Evanelpus]

Another toilet wall one.

The person it refers to was a rugby playing Foreman.

Someone wrote "Boris walks on water" in red. Some wag wrote "Ha ha, the bastrad sank" in green underneath.

[Sleeve Wing]

Haven’t laughed so much in ages ! Brilliant, gentlemen - keep it going.

How to motivate a difficult OS student ? 240 volts or a banana………

Just sayin’……….. :oh:

[The Oberon]

Bog Wall.

I am considering flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality, would I be flogging a dead horse?

[Gordon17]

622 - it was Robert Key to Adam Gilchrist and he didn't say "make love"!

I'm pretty sure it was Eddo Brandes to Glenn McGrath.

[622]

According to a popular brand of search engine the above is correct !


...and reminded me of another one:


Rod Marsh : “So how’s your wife & my kids?”
Ian Botham : “The wife is fine but the kids are retarded”

[Wander00]

Of course I'll still love you in the morning..................

[30AB]

Don't carry the rifle (SLR) by the carrying handle!

[Stanwell]

Good one.
Very thoughtful of them to add a 'carrying handle' - but I don't recall us ever really using it.

[XEng]

My favourite from an Aussie exchange engineer, " I had a hard on so big I didn't have the skin left to blink".

[XEng]

And another from nerd school:

There are only 10 types of people in the world; those that understand binary and those that don't.

[G-ARZG]

Repetition. XEng.

See post 10011110

(158 for those in the latter category above)

[GGR155]

" Let's march down, ( to the squadron/line/shq or wherever ), save walking"

'I'm off for a spot of Egyptian PT ( i.e. for a kip )"

"We had lots of continental Irishmen on the squadron ( i.e Poles/Czechs )"


Thanks to Ted Gibson ex-WW2 bomber nav on 48 Sqn
Wow, I worked with a Flt Lt Ted Gibson in Air Support Command Ops RAF Upavon 1971/72.
He was a supreme dispatcher of the frothy stuff and a serial cigarette poacher. He could be a bit prickly until he got to know you.
GGR

[Basil]

Getting back to the OP:
"I was in uniform when you were in liquid form!"

Should have reminded one of my Cathay instructors of that - perhaps not :)

[tartare]

You spend the first few minutes of your life trying to get out and the whole of the rest of it trying to get back in.

[Belle and Sebastian]

Written on a toilet wall cubicle at Halton.

RADAR demo on other wall

Written on the opposite wall.

RADAR demo on other wall

[Jayand]

When observing an overweight WRAF squeezed into uniform "Ten pounds of **** in a five pound bag"
The feeling of dehydration after a heavy night on the booze, "my mouth feels like the inside of a ****smugglers rucksack"
" I heard your mother keeps cage birds?" eh? I heard she's had a c##k or two!

[mgahan]

As my fellow ATC Instructor would tell the students headed to town on a Friday night, "Go ugly early Shagger and avoid the midnight rush,"

MJG

[langleybaston]

My police daughter on first issue of a ladies' size truncheon.

"Yes, but where does the battery go?"

[EESDL]

On asking why a Herc pilot was called "Sledge" I was told it was because he always got pulled by dogs......

[PingDit]

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

[PingDit]

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing".

[Shiny10]

My mate Rick (RIP) was volunteered for a station parade. During the full ‘Dress Rehearsal’ they had an inspection by the parade commander who stopped at Rick and said.

“Are those your best shoes airman?”

Rick replied
“No sir”

Inspecting officer-
Why didn’t you wear your best shoes airman?”

Rick
“Didn’t think you’d like em sir”

Inspecting officer-
“Why not airman?”

Rick
“Cos they’re Brown Suede Sir” :D

I too thought it was a tall tail until our new W/Cdr OC Engineering walked into the office saw Rick and said “Still got those Brown Suede Shoes Chief?”

[brokenlink]

What about:

"fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down"

[PlasticCabDriver]

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing".
Copy one persons work, that's plagiarism. Copy 2 people's work, that's research.

[Wander00]

Shiny 10 - I can imagine that as a line for Baldrick in Blackadder

[dragartist]

Re #204
DFF - Don't Fcuk Fatties. As used frequently by an Army guy in our office.

His mate was nick named Cattle Prod **bb as when they went to grab a granny he always went for the oldest and ugliest one as he knew she would be most grateful.

[GGR155]

Tern Hill Toilet Wall:
"Its no good standing on the seat
the crabs in here can jump 6 feet
And if you think that's f8€King high
Go next door, those B@stards fly!

On a 6442:
"I've thought about this airman's positive properties and have concluded that he can ride a bicycle!"

On the Line:
"...not me Chief. I'm engines waiting for a Bowser."
And
"Focking Focker is Focking Focked!!"
Seen on flying school WC wall....Pilots with short Pitots please taxi closer to gate.

[longer ron]

Originally Posted by Pontius Navigator
If you can't fix it with a hammer it's electrical.


You can if it's an MGB fuel pump

:) - many years ago - whilst on a 12 month gliding holiday in zimbabwe (with occasional work breaks on Hawk T60's)
I owned an Austin Apache (cute little car,basically austin 1100 with triumph front and back end glued on) - 3 of us driving from Gwelo up to Salisbury,very hot day and on the way back the SU electric fuel pump packed up - the only way we got home was to pull the rear seat back out and get the rear seat passenger to keep clouting it with a jacking handle :) (pump was mounted in the boot).

One of the earliest scribblings I saw in the RAF was a flight safety poster on inside of bog door proclaiming ' Promote Flight Safety' - and scrawled underneath it was ' By not Fokin Flying' :)

[SATCOS WHIPPING BOY]

Next time someone starts to hack you off just say, "we're going to play a little game now, it's called the f*£%-off game; you go first".

[Sloppy Link]

Always open to input from those of lower rank or status, in fact some of their ideas have been my best ideas however there also comes a point where the single issue lunatic needs to be put in his place. This is normally achieved quite successfully with "We're going to play a game of paper, scissors, rank. I'll go first......"

[Tailspin Turtle]

:) - many years ago - whilst on a 12 month gliding holiday in zimbabwe (with occasional work breaks on Hawk T60's)
I owned an Austin Apache (cute little car,basically austin 1100 with triumph front and back end glued on) - 3 of us driving from Gwelo up to Salisbury,very hot day and on the way back the SU electric fuel pump packed up - the only way we got home was to pull the rear seat back out and get the rear seat passenger to keep clouting it with a jacking handle :) (pump was mounted in the boot).

One of the earliest scribblings I saw in the RAF was a flight safety poster on inside of bog door proclaiming ' Promote Flight Safety' - and scrawled underneath it was ' By not Fokin Flying' :)
Same with the MGB, only the electric fuel pump was in the far right behind the seats and under the deck above the batteries (yes, two six-volt to provide a 12-volt system), so the driver (left side) could reach back and whack the deck with the knock-off hammer to break the contacts free.

[X-Brat]

"He doesn't know if he is punched, bored or countersunk"

[strontium.dog74]

We had a Sub Lt on the BOC course after me called Leathers, short for leatherman cos he was a tool for all occasions.


Actually he was a pretty decent guy, unfortunately lost his life in the Lynx crash off Plymouth searching for a man over board that turned out to be a false alarm..

[kintyred]

To the person annoying you

"f@ck off.....and when you've f@cked off, f@ck off some more."

[Fantome]

the SU electric fuel pump packed up - the only way we got home was to pull the rear seat back out and get the rear seat passenger to keep clouting it with a jacking handle

..that reminds me of the Ford Prefect I had in student days in Sydney. The fuel pump was just good enough to deliver on the flat but not up the steeper slopes. Stuck down near Maroubra Beach one hot summers surfing day . .. and in need of getting back up to university at Kensington . . .the brains trust cranked open the windscreen, attached a length of string to the little primer lever under the fuel pump then by rapid jiggling up the hills made it back for lunch. That car was only marginally better than the 1948 Hillman Minx with its frigging cable brakes, with its shot front suspension that caused the beam axle to iron out the peaks of the undulations in the back roads through the wilds of outlying suburbs of Perth WA. . . Ah youth's persistence in folly.

best graffiti in Oxford Street Paddo during the gay and lesbian mardi gras
RALPH COME BACK IT WAS ONLY A RASH

the one about crabs jumping six feet gets a mention in Arthur Affleck's (the very first RFDS pilot at Cloncurry in 1928) .. his autobiography THE WANDERING YEARS. He collected the inscriptions he encountered in many a hotel bathroom in pubs throughout the outback.. . PLEASE DON'T KANGAROO THE SEAT . . OUR BREED OF CROC CAN JUMP SIX FEET.

GENTLEMANS WHO PEE IN THE BATH AREN'T NO GENTLEMENS

A Qantas Constellation staging though Karachi to Darwin and Sydney had a snag in the maintenance log on arrival Darwin. It said URINAL HAS BEEN USED AS ARSENAL. The engineer in Darwin wrote it off with PROBLEM RECTUMFIED . (That one attributed to the late highly esteemed George Roberts. His book he called QANTAS BY GEORGE. George had little time or respect for the late 'Scotty' Allan of Qantas. Scotty's book was called SCOTTY ALLAN - AUSTRALIA'S FLYING SCOTSMAN. George was overheard to say when the book came out that it needed the 'F' deleted in FLYING.)

[Geordie_Expat]

A post some time ago from a learned gent on Pprune regarding helicopters:


"Never fly in anything where the wings go faster than the fuselage."


Loved that :D

[stevef]

Chief pilot of a multi-engine piston fleet, when asked what it was like after his first hands-on helicopter flight:
'Like having a shave and a w**k at the same time.'
Absolutely true; I was there when it was said.

[Stanwell]

Three great posts in a row!
Thanks, chaps. :D

[Rigga]

Expert #1 - A drip under pressure
Expert #2 - Someone who knows a great amount about a very small subject.
Experience - What you get just after you needed it.

[Haraka]

"If it doesn't move and it should - WD 40"
"If it does move and it shouldn't - Duct tape"

[Wageslave]

If it flies, floats or f***s it's cheaper to rent.

[Fredairstair]

At a very dull ground school course, with a very keen ground instructor.

Instructor: remember now, there's no "I" in team.

My mate: indeed, but there is an "A" in Tw@t.

[longer ron]

Tailspin Turtle

Same with the MGB, only the electric fuel pump was in the far right behind the seats and under the deck above the batteries (yes, two six-volt to provide a 12-volt system), so the driver (left side) could reach back and whack the deck with the knock-off hammer to break the contacts free.


Absolutely TT :)
In the mid 70's I had a very early MGB ragtop with a 3 bearing crank engine,returning from a winter party in norfolk,the dear old SU pump packs up but I knew that it would give a 'tick' when the ignition switched on - so on the 10 mile journey home we had a fun time with me driving one handed and switching ign off and on - of course the B had a lovely torquey engine and did not need to change gear very often :)

[jonw66]

Stevef no. 224
Quality and so true

[DeanoP]

Heard over the N.Atlantic on the chat frequency.

Delta to Birdseed; What's your destination?

Birdseed: We are off to Nassau. We are going to lie on the sand and look at the stars. How about you?

Delta: Oh! We're going to LA. We are going to lie on the stars and look at the sand.

[langleybaston]

If wit were sh1t you would be constipated.

[very old one, even older than me]

And:

"How tall are you?"

"5'8""

"I didn't know they could stack sh1t that high!"

[probably even older]

[DeanoP]

langleybaston

Sincere apologies for my inappropriate post and offence caused. Post withdrawn.

[langleybaston]

Deanop ............ no worries!

[Stanwell]

I'm still scratching my head over that, too.
Anyway...

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

[langleybaston]

To a colleague on his undeserved [and amazing] promotion

"I suppose that I ought to congratulate you on your extreme good fortune"

Walks away, smirking .......................

[Wander00]

This NCO (RAFP corporal) is depriving his dog of a promising career

[OldAgeandTreachery]

Toilet graffiti NLS Kinloss

Free Hess! - underneath:- With every packet of Reich Krispies

I used to be dyslexic until I discovered Smoorniff

And on a Nav table scribble board:-
What's the difference between roger and willco?
On the underside:-
You can't willco the cat.

[Fantome]

The bloke in the Flight Service Unit said my calls to him to check the radios first thing in the morning were 2 by 2 . When I asked him in person shortly after to please explain he said "Yeah mate . . . . too loud and too often."

old mate called up late in the afternoon to tell the Wagga FSU he was taxying for Hay (he was strictly VFR ) Wagga came straight back with " Will you make Hay while the sun shines?"

and this one probably aired here before -

instructor to student after nav-ex . .. . "the only time you were on track was when you were crossing it."

(and if that is not sufficient aviation content then I'm buggered for any sequel)

[Shiny10]

Sign over Harrier Engine Desk 4Sqdn-

IF WE CAN'T FIX IT THEN IT'S NOT BROKEN!

At one squadron we were not allowed to write "No Fault Found" so improvised with "Stick to to seat interface replaced".

Herc Job Card: 'Galley Sink Blocked'. Solution "DOG END REMOVED".

[Null Orifice]

Call yourself an engineer?
You don't even know whether your a$$hole is punched, bored, or countersunk!

[Stanwell]

Some years back, at SYD, an arriving 743 'landed' about 20ft AGL.
Came from the tower... Erm, .. Thai-xxx, When you've put your teeth back in, take taxiway x and call ground on ...
There were a few sniggers in the background.

[GlobalNav]

USAF Navigator training flight, many decades ago.

Student nav, about 10 minutes behind the airplane, struggling to resolve his fix, and compute the corrected heading, finally hits the interphone button and says: "Pilot, Nav, turn right to heading 365."

<pause, hehe> Pilot replies: "Nav, it just doesn't go that far...."

<no pause> "Pilot, Nav, well, just turn it as far as it goes."

[longer ron]

In the BAe (previously Hawker) Dunsfold Flight shed - 2 little signs...

Above the inspection office door ....

' If you can't do it - view it '

Above the Rolls Royce office door - one of the old fashioned small white plasticky public signs ...

' No Hawkers '