Caught Short

[Stikybeke]

Recently I heard a credible story regarding a pilot who was caught short (number 2) during a flight somewhere (and that's all you'll get as the pilot concerned will probably be reading this). No it's not me!!!
The end result (so to speak) was most embarrassing as there was nowhere to clean up prior to landing. The aircraft was hired. Anyone care to share similar?
Just thought I'd throw this one out there for a change of subject?
Stiky
:eek:

[uncle8]

A long time ago during a flight from YMMB to YCxx, the low temperature and some anxiety about the flight got to me. Needed a leak urgently. One of the passengers flew while I directed it into a sick bag, pretty much filled it, almost a meniscus, then the other passenger held it after folding a lip at the top.
Landed at Cxxxx and needed some Avgas. The local aero club had some but wanted cash only. They told me that someone else from Moorabbin had submitted a bogus carnet card recently so they weren't going to honour mine and they told me that with a message that they were the boss and I could get stuffed.
We didn't have much cash between us so decided to depart and refuel elsewhere but not before leaving the full sick bag resting on the ground right next to the steps to the aero club. Hope no one picked it up to explore the contents.

[Unusual-Attitude]

Night ferry HID to BCS in a bongo. Loaded with coffee, (bad idea), started to get pretty cold over princess Charlotte bay.

Needed to slash, so I look around for a puke bag, (I'd forgotten my usual 'convenience' bottle)..nothing. F**k!

Ended up pissing into my trusty old Blunstone, (the left one), which I presume is probably somewhere at the bottom of the bay, (after I forcefully ejected it downwards out of the window, away from the prop).

I like to think it's now home to some nice clown fish...maybe growing some corals...:E

[TWT]

The Most Embarrassing Private Jet Flight Of All Time | Celebrity Net Worth (http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/)

[Capetonian]

A few months ago, towards the end of a very bumpy flight into JNB, seat belt lights had been on more or less the whole way down from the Zambezi, the poor bastard next to me asked an FA if he could go to the toilet. She said no. He said it's urgent. She walked off. I could see from the guy's body language and face that he was about to erupt, and I don't mean with anger. Then came the smells, becoming more frequent and more malodorous and lingering.

He let it go about 5 minutes before landing. I hope I never have that experience again.

[Ixixly]

My Favourite story from a friend in the NT. Their 206 had done a Charter flight out of Arnhemland and after the flight they'd done the usual, closed up the Aircraft and all gone home, Aircraft wasn't used again for 2 days. So there it had sat in the Top End heat for 2 whole days before my rather unlucky friend came to get the Aircraft ready for a flight.

This friend swears to go that they opened the Cargo door at the back and a smell that will outlast religion reached forth and b*tch slapped them straight in the face!! Turns out one of their passengers had somehow sneakily taken a dump in the back that had gone unnoticed until that point.

Only way to get rid of it was to stand about 2m outside the door with a hose on full blast trying to hose it out and was left open for a full day to let it air out.

Myself the other day, 1hour 15min flight back to base with passengers on board, land back at base and cue raucous laughter from the passengers, I look back to find out what's so funny and there is one of the boys at the back of the C206 holding what used to be our plastic container for holding oil bottles which had been converted into a make shift urinary. Apparently he had only got 5minutes into the flight before realising he needed to take a whizz, using some ingenuity he found the container in the back and managed to use it without spilling a single drop, not a bad effort considering the a bit of turbulence, size of the container used and the amount of urine!!

[50 50]

Friend tells me a story (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) about flying some rowdy top end locals. Mid flight he was asked if there is a toilet on board.
"Sorry no" he says.
"No worries" they reply.
All pax depart and he notices they have left behind an esky, no beer, guess what was in it?

Myself, had to delay a flight home from Broken Hill until the chemist opened after partaking in the dodgy Pizza Hut out there. Future travellers be warned:-(

[Squawk7700]

B) Don't forget the empty big mouth Gatorade bottle.

What about lady pilots?




I've seen a male fishing group on a 1.5 hour flight urinate into an esky as there was nothing else avaialble. It worked well.

[BreakNeckSpeed]

What about lady pilots?

Maybe a shewee (http://shewee.com.au)?

I recall a former colleague having a well presented young lady passenger make the most of the esky in the back of a 310 - couldn't hold it any longer it would seem! All class! :hmm:

[Capt Claret]

RENURPP has a cracker of a story, first hand. I won't steal his thunder. :E

[Pinky the pilot]

In a Glasflugel Open Libelle glider at just over 10,000' out on task, and quite a glide away from the airfield, I had no option.:eek::uhoh:

Anyone who knows anything about the Libelle would know that the seating position can be best described as 'semi-reclining.':hmm: There was a sickbag in the map pocket of the aircraft and it was used successfully without spilling a drop.:ooh:

It was not an easy exercise in the slightest.:uhoh:

How I managed it and how the bag was eventually disposed of is
classified information and will remain so!:=

[hillbillybob]

What about lady pilots?


I have had a lady (well as lady as happens in the army) soldier pee in a gatorade bottle in the cabin of a moving mack truck on 3rd world roads without spilling a drop without the assistance of a shewee so anything is possible

my quick story is flying from White Cliffs to Temora for warbirds downunder and started to feel a bit umm crampy, my copilot was wondering what i was up to when i started playing with the G1000 looking at nearest airfields with facilities but sadly drawing a blank. With a nice quick approach and landing at temora the esteemed copilot decided to broadcast that we were disregarding the marshalling instruction on the ground due to "a turtlehead emergency", made it to the aero club, just.

[Ozgrade3]

Quite a few years ago, a fellow instructor had a birthday celebration where he decides he would throw a dinner party. Now knowing that this bloke was a terrific guy, a great pilot and all that.........he couldn't boil water.

So with some trepidation his workmates and I trouped round to his pad and we ended up having a reasonable meal and much laughter and conviviality.

The next morning I had to do a nav with a student which included a nice long leg from Essendon to Albury. It was one of those beaut days. Winds at all altitudes were variable at 5 kts, smooth as silk, CAVOK, level at 9500. Student was performing flawlessly, everything was going to plan. Life was good.

Approaching abeam Wangaratta, I felt the beginnings of a little tummy rumble which ended in a fart of biblical proportions. My student immediately started searching for an oxygen mask and remarked that he should be logging IF time as he could no longer see out the front window. I suggested that maybe fast cruise would be a good idea as Albury has bathrooms and we knew them to be open for business.

A few minutes later, after more frequent and ominous tummy rumbles, I suggested a diversion to Wangaratta might be in order. As my students eyes were still watering from the previous episode, he immediately agreed and turned left and put Wangaratta on the nose and reduced power for the decent.

Then came the BIG tummy rumble, very much like the earthquakes that precede a violent volcanic eruption. I knew what was coming, I needed to be on the ground.....now. "Give me combat power" I yelled, Vne -10 for the descent, salvation just 10nm away.

By the time we crossed the threshold, I was going cross eyed, my student was cool and calm under pressure, perfect landing and made the turnoff. There was a gardener/cleaning lady at the airport and she must have been started to see a crazy eyed instructor leap put of an aircraft, hurdle the gate like Cathy Freeman and burst through the doors into the gents. They would not have stopped me even if the doors were locked.

The rest of the flight home was quite un eventful and stress free.

Our dear colleague was forever banned from cooking.

[Fris B. Fairing]

Speaking of survey pilots, here's a couple from Adastra:

ADASTRA AERIAL SURVEYS - Lucky Fella (http://www.adastron.com/adastra/people/bb-luckyfella.htm)

ADASTRA AERIAL SURVEYS - An Incident with Lionel (http://www.adastron.com/adastra/people/lvp-m-wood.htm)

[geeup]

Personally I'm yet to be caught short however I've got many a colleagues over the years who have some priceless stories.

Now where is Killerloop :E

[clear to land]

Back in the 90's was doing a Med 1 retrieval down to YTGM then onwards to YBBN. Was a callout so had not had time for the morning constitutional after some Chinese the previous night. Had just got to ToC on the BNE leg when my tummy started communicating. Was brave for a while but could see that it was a losing battle. Ended up calling back to the nurse for a 'Bedpan Stat!' then pulled the curtain closed. C90 cockpit not the roomiest for the manoeuvre-and of course a day that I wore trousers instead of shorts. Some deft use of the outflow valves kept Doc and Nurse from asphyxiation-patient already on O2. Had to perform the same dance 3 times- and only 2 bedpans onboard. Landed in BNE with a very nasty package in the RHS. It was a VERY smooth landing. (Patient had a good outcome too!)

[ShyTorque]

An unforgettable flight, thirty five years ago. During my initial helicopter OCU days, we were flying air training corps cadets on a "round robin" to and from Salisbury Plain, carrying out short hops into a number of field landing sites. The helicopter students got experience of carrying an aircraft full of "troops" for the first time and the cadets got air experience and practiced being soldiers, deplaning as soon as the wheels touched and running just outside the rotor disc before diving to ground, for "all round defence".

After the second takeoff, one air cadet (a big fat ginger version) brought up his very large lunch into two sick bags. The crewman indicated for him to keep hold of them, take them with him and ditch 'em the next time we landed. He did so but in the heat of the moment he threw them down and dived on top of them. He was covered from head to foot in it! Not only that, he ran back to the aircraft carrying the soggy remains of the sick bags. We had no option to carry on; whereupon the stench of puke caused a chain reaction in the cabin .... and almost in the cockpit! :yuk:

[Flingwing47]

Ferrying back from Telefomin to Wewak in a gomad, got a request to divert to Green River for medivac.
Soon after, just had to do the business. Speaker on, AP on, sat down the back and did a Bob H. Great view from there !!:O

[MakeItHappenCaptain]

Another RAAF cadet story...

Noticed potential Maverick had gone pale and started sweating,
"Are you OK, Sunshine?"
"No, Sir. I think I'm gonna be sick!"
"Where's your chuck bag?"
"I haven't got one."
"Well use your headset bag. No! That's mine, where's yours?"
"I haven't got one.
"Then take off your shoe!":yuk:

Hot tip #1.
Good idea was to tell them to pull the front of their shirt up over their nose as it would make them feel better.
Not really, but it does contain it well.

An owner raved for three days about how easy it was to take a whizz after I told him about kneeling backwards on the seat.:D

Hot tip#2
Don't take sub 600ml containers with you.
First, opening WAY too small.
Secondly, fills up too fast.
Thirdly, turbulence, no autopilot and trying to switch bottles while pinching it off midstream ain't easy.

Was flying JH's last Pacific ferry with him and a mate in the other plane. Mate gets out at Californiay in his undies.
"J was trying to change his catheter bag over and pissed all over me!":eek:

[Avgas172]

What Captain said, be cautious to not pressurise the bottle with too tight a seal :E

[Ascend Charlie]

Back in the days of the Mirage fighter, a deployment in Darwin was heading back to Williamtown, after the obligatory last-night-p155up.

Old mate as no.4 in the formation is cruising along down the back when he feels THOSE rumbles. He has to do it, cannot delay. No autopilot, so trim it as best he could, undo the ejection seat harness.
Undo the parachute harness, wriggle it off.
Undo the Mae West jacket, wriggle it off. A Mirage cockpit is tiny, so he is starting to run out of room.
Undo the G-suit, wriggle it down.
Unzip the one-piece flying suit, wriggle it down.
Jocks down.
Cr@p into a flying glove, oops, both flying gloves. Tie them off.
Jocks up
Flying suit up, zip up
G-suit up, zip up
Mae West back on
Parachute harness on
Ejection seat harness on.
Whew! Looks up at the rest of his formation - nobody there.
They had turned over the waypoint and gone to the next one.
Mad scramble to find them on the search radar, a little afterburner to catch them, and they wonder why he needed more fuel at the mid-stop than all the rest.

[gerry111]

Ascend Charlie, That's a great tale but I suspect it to be rather tall...

[Squawk7700]

A mate was flying his Skyfox with door open, pissing into the fuel drainer having to pinch off every time it filled up, throw out the door and release pince again. Took quite a while to get it done.

[Ascend Charlie]

Gerry, are you referring to the pilot, PD, who was very tall? That was another weird part to the story, how he managed to do all that with his long lanky legs. He was a chopper pilot before moving onto Mirages, eventually made it to Air Commodore, now retired. No bull.

[gerry111]

Ascend Charlie, would PD's nickname have been 'Device'?

I had a backseat passenger flight in a 77 Sqn Mirage in 1980. (My MACHBUSTER CERTIFICATE still proudly on my office wall.) So I'm a little bit sceptical that one would dare attempt to do this....

If we're talking about PD being 'Device' then he sure was tall.

But my quip was that it was possibly a tall story! :)

[Old Fella]

Gerry, I agree with your thoughts on the "tall" story.

[Horatio Leafblower]

One former student of mine learnt to fly after surviving throat cancer. They had removed all his saliva glands so a water bottle was a constant companion in the C150.

This constant water intake meant he had pretty good bladder control but one day yes, he was caught short.

First problem was that his water bottle was still part full. Not knowing when he could get more water, he chose to drink it then and there. In so doing he missed a valuable lesson.

He wriggled about to get his equipment pointed at the little water bottle which led to problem 2- bladder bigger than bottle and he was going to overflow.

Logically, he decided to empty the bottle out the window. While pinching Percy tightly, juggling flight controls and bottle full to brimming, he opened the pilots window of the C150 and tipped out.

....from the front of the window opening.

Problem 3 was the circulation of the airflow which blew all the effluvium back in at the rear of the window, at which he let go of the bottle and used both hands to shut the window.

Problem 4 was that he had just let go of Percy....

[Bunyan Wingnut]

A 4l wine cask bladder, with the rubber valve (not a tap), pressed flat, folded and held by elastic band, makes a compact emergency loo. Pull off the valve, use as required, press valve back on and park the bladder elsewhere until you land. Works great with minimal gymnastics. No 2s, no option. ;)

[Ascend Charlie]

Gerry, yes it was The Device, and no, it ain't a tall story.

[illusion]

A Mirage could stay airborne for all of 0.9 of 1 hour before running dry.

Mustaf been a big night!:p or prostate issues..........

[Draggertail]

With big jugs fitted for ferry flight, endurance was a fair bit longer.

[kaz3g]

Don't forget the empty big mouth Gatorade bottle

Oh yeah!

Kaz. :rolleyes:

[gerry111]

Kaz,

I'm pretty sure that the astronaut ladies have a few proven ideas. And those are readily available to GA pilots! :)

[thorn bird]

About four hours into a nine hour ferry flight in a small piston twin, I broke out in a cold sweat and felt the first rumblings from the belly. Knew I was stupid to eat the sea food.
Fortunately I had a large black garbage bag. So for the rest of the journey I sat with one arse cheek on one seat, the other on the other, with the bag between the two. Poor customs guy in BN almost passed out when he stuck his head in, funnily I never noticed the pong.

[Avgas172]

Quote:

Oh yeah!

Kaz.
Dunno about you Kaz but I don't fit into a 600 ml water bottle with any wriggle room ... :cool:

[gerry111]

Avgas172 wrote:

"Dunno about you Kaz but I don't fit into 600 ml water bottle with any wriggle room..."

And the audience groaned in unison... :yuk:

[Maisk Rotum]

Doing refugee shuttles from one airstrip to another in PNG near the Irian Jaya border many years ago, I had my girlfriend along for the ride. THE ride.

We were empty on the back leg. What can possibly happen at 11,000 feet?

No autopilot. No worries. The front left seat of the Twin Otter has ample enough room for a nimble young one doing rear facing duties. There was a clean up garment required that was dutifully jettisoned into the jungle. Lucky PNG is sparsely populated.

[kaz3g]

[QUOTE]. Avgas172 wrote:

"Dunno about you Kaz but I don't fit into 600 ml water bottle with any wriggle . /QUOTE]

Why are you trying to have sex with a water bottle?

Kaz

[Pinky the pilot]

Maisk Rotum; Nogat sem bilong yu?:=:=:D

There was a clean up garment required that was dutifully jettisoned into the jungle.

Littering!!:*:E