The Most Embarrassing Private Jet Flight Of All Time

[Check Airman]

I thought it would be appropriate for this section.

The Most Embarrassing Private Jet Flight Of All Time | Celebrity Net Worth (http://www.celebritynetworth.com/articles/entertainment-articles/the-most-embarrassing-private-jet-flight-of-all-time/)

[His dudeness]

I know a story (happened many, many moons ago) where that lonely, embarrassed person on the loo wore 4 stripes and was a doing a single-hand flown charter from the coast of Normandy (where he had eaten some seafood) back to Germany.

The autopilot did a good job, the guy told me.... he thought that this was probably the worst story of his life...

[flaphandlemover]

:ok:
thanks for sharing, i almost cr.... my pants...

I feel for him....

[First.officer]

Ah, yes......had to use the toilet in anger myself of a Citation CJ a few years ago coming back from IBZ......sudden onset of stomach cramp, no choice but to go (or fill my boxers in situ!). Anyway, luckily we had no passengers, but still not a pleasant feeling to have to go back, secure a poly-vinyl sheet with poppers, raise the seat (which then props on your back as you vacate your bowels) and let nature release it's fury - the relief was a joy to behold, but that passes once the delicate scent of an upset stomach pervades the cabin ("wasn't me, didn't do it" - that ain't gonna work here my friends!). Anyway, job finished and then comes the contortionist act that is the finale of the whole act (*drum roll).....anyone ever tried to wipe their behind, trousers round ankles, in the equivalent of your wardrobe, almost as dark, and propping the seat lid open with one hand, reaching for toilet roll with the other?? - and then "wipe"! it's an art worthy of a Chinese acrobat, and the whole experience is compounded if you have an episode akin to giving a baby a warm chocolate bar to eat :eek:

Glad I could share that with you all.....

F/o

[Tray Surfer]

Oh lord... Lord... That has made my morning... Absolutely hilarious...!

However, if someone could provide me with a list of aircraft that have this sort of "arrangement", for bathroom (I use that term loosely!) facilities, I would be very grateful, so I may avoid them at all cost... :D

[First.officer]

Ah, Tray Surfer....the CJ is on your list then?! lol.....I do love the CJ though....I did forget to mention the bit at the end of the flight where I had to hand over a "fully laden" cartridge of my mornings efforts to the portable honey wagon operative to empty....and those cartridges fill up fairly quickly if they hadn't been emptied on a previous flight - if your familiar with these cartridge-style receptacles, then you know that before your remove them from their "stowages", you have to pull a slide handle across first to seal the unit......and if it's kinda full, it is a little like cropping the tip of the mountain off Everest (that image work for anyone?!). As I handed over the cartridge for emptying (in Italy as I recall) to the honey wagon guy, all I could muster in my defence was (*shrug of shoulder at same time as saying) "euughhh passengers eh?".....nothing worse than knowing it's your own DNA that someone else has now got to deal with....I felt bad.

F/o

[Tray Surfer]

Thankfully, it would appear the CJ is way to small to employ the likes of me in the cabin... :D

I was curious to the original story, which is still making ma laugh, as to them having a CC on such a small aircraft... :-/

[First.officer]

Ah, yes...it is unusual to have CC on such a small aircraft, but guess it does happen on occasion....not on any CJ flight I've ever operated, other than the fact as F/O, you do act as Pilot and CC in one ;-).

F/o

[Parson]

F/O - it takes alot to bring tears to my eyes but you hit the mark there :)

[First.officer]

Eh, trust me...at the time it brought tears to my eyes too....the turtle was most definitely very curious to leave his shell that day! ;-)

F/o

[yambat]

Not a bizz jet, but if I may continue the theme!

Had to enter the hold at BINAS in Libreville many years ago to relieve the discomfort into a bin liner while the FO flew. The perils of a no bog ATR freighter and a dodgy west African buffet the night before.
Almost home but not quite!

Current bizz jet ride is a bit more comfy!

[Sydy]

LOL I almost peed myself!!! Very good!

[Doodlebug]

The old Kingairs had those pee-tubes with a funnel attached at the top, remember? Great for catching flies with in the cruise, too. Top of descent into some-or-other war-torn African paradise years ago, and my stomach lets me know it's now or never. Just made it to the back in time. 10 pairs of local eyes watched the unexpected comedy-show with great and undisguised interest (no cubicle, curtain or anything of the sort) as the Umlungu captain dropped his britches in anguish and splutteringly vacated his bowels into the tiny hissing funnel in the back of the bucking aircraft. Aah, happy days... :}

Seen much, much more interesting/hilarious/outrageous in the bizjet-world, sometimes involving very well-known personalities, but those stories shall remain resoundingly untold, discretion being a large part of the job these days ;)

[Capetonian]

Almost crapped myself laughing reading that! Reminds me of going away with a new g/f many years ago for a DW in Durban. Our hotel room had an ensuite toilet/shower but it lacked any privacy, not even what one might call a 'modesty curtain' and I'll leave the details to your imagination. We both suffered the after effects of a particularly virulent curry, it was son et lumiere et odeur de rotten guts! I suppose if either of us had enjoyed the perversion, the name of which I forget, where people take pleasure in being the object of another's bodily excretions, we might have both enjoyed it more. As it was, it killed the relationship before it really started. Probably just as well considered how she ended up but that is another story.

[Vivabeaver]

More years than i care to remember i flew DHC2 Beavers which had a P tube attached on the back of the pilots seat.If required you had to trim the A/C ,unstrap and kneel facing rearwards,no A/P,no co pilot.the ground crews favorite trick was to turn the exhaust tube to face into the airflow, which was behind the left main wheel as they removed the chocks.On one flight i had a couple of senior officers in the back and one of our G/crew in the front left seat,about half way i looked over to see said G/crew laughing,he pointed over my shoulder.One of the officers was trying to use the P tube to comunicate with me,must have seen to many Biggles films

[500 above]

I could tell you a story about an airship, an action packer (plastic box) and a black bin liner. Contents (a kind of H/R, I'll leave it up to your imagination) of said bin liner were 'dropped off' (bombed) from fairly low level 'towards' the ground crew... Explosive results!

Back when flying those craft, we used to do some long duration flights. The ground crew will never steal a bottle of 'apple juice' again...

[Bucket]

Is this entire thread to be dominated by stories of a lavatorial nature or can we offer up recollections away from the WC? ;)

[No RYR for me]

I know of a Swedish royal, a learjet and just a curtain for the privacy.... To make it the perfect bar story: the curtain had not returned from the drycleaners... haha You finish that picture yourselves :E

[pigboat]

I watched a guy do a header out of a 30-Series Lear onto the ramp in Washington one day, with his pants around his ankles. The Lear had one of those upper/lower clam shell doors with the biffy directly opposite the door. The bottom half of the door obviously hadn't been secured properly and fell open at the most inopportune minute. The guy made a lunge after the door but it was too late, the door fell open and he followed it headfirst out onto the ramp. :eek:

[Bucket]

Okay, if you can't beat them...

My CPT a few years ago drank copious amounts of coffee at breakfast prior to a 3.5 hour flight home on the CJ. Nature spoke to his bladder and soon we were trying to figure out how he could de-fuel.

A large plastic empty drinks bottle was procured and discusssions followed as to how this could be engineered to fit Mr Wiggly into it whilst I averted my gaze. In the confines of the CJ cockpit it just couldn't be done.

So CPT does the walk of shame, past the pax who could bearly restrain their mirth and the curtain closed, etc etc. I think one of the Pax jnrs beat him to it and left his friend Richard behind.

[Evanelpus]

There's nothing worse than your underpants looking like the 2nd World War Japanese flag!

[H.Finn]

About 35 years ago, when I was even younger pilot than now, I used to fly a Cessna 320. Six seats, including pilot, entrance/exit over the wing and obviously no facilities whatsoever. I always tried to discreetly give a hint to the passengers, before departure, that this is the last chance to visit restroom before our destination. On one occasion I think I had five passengers, and one of them - the one who was seated on the seat on my right side - had not listened my pre-boarding briefing. After about an hour into the three hour flight he started to become a bit restless, and then started wondering if there is any chance of relieving his bladder. There were no empty bottles or anything on board, and rest of the group (me included) did not fancy an "emergency" landing. Finally, one of the passengers found a condom in his wallet. Now, try to imagine how difficult it is to fly an aeroplane with a straight face, when the passenger sitting next to you is peeing into a condom... Rest of the flight he kept the yellow balloon on his lap, and delivered it to the nearest thrash bin at the destination.
This episode really boosted my confidence in the durability of Durex...

[SussexBroker]

Many moons ago when I was working for an operator of small piston engine aircraft, we undertook a flight to Le Mans on a PA34. The client was making a day-return for business lunch and upon arrival to Le Mans, the client advised the captain that he would return around 1600 after a lunch. The client and his two colleagues did indeed return for 1600 departure as planned, albeit a little worse for wear.

Not long after departure, the passenger tapped the captain on the shoulder and asked if there was a bathroom facility or something he could use: on the PA34 clearly not !! The captain advised that we are passing Caen Airport and if really needed he could put down, the passenger then advsied that he could wait for the hour or so that remained. A short time after, the captain noted that there was a rather unpleasant aroma in the small PA34 cabin, he turned around to see not more than 5 feet from his nostrils was the horror; the entire contents of the “coolbag” that provided the light catering had been strewn around the spare seat in the back and the client calming “zipping up” what should have been the now empty coolbag. It was however clear, that the poor coolbag had been subjected to more than just passing the English Channel !! Upon arrival the client presented the captain with the aforementioned coolbag along with a £50 tip !

The happy part of the story is that the Captain of the PA34 is now the Captain on a CL604 where happily he shouldn’t have to encounter any more unpleasant stories like this, it seems that perhaps the only crap he will receive nowadays will be from ops, the broker or the passengers :ok:

[Savoia]

Happens in helicopters too!

An amusing (and genuine) 'incident' report filed subsequent to a North Sea flight in 1991:

http://i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss319/xa290/SAVE0062-1.jpg?t=1264850337

[mad_jock]

That's a bit naughty leaving the crews details uncovered.

Chop the header off it and the CP's signature block.

And here is vid that's been doing the rounds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9sAUNhGPk0

Mods if its inappropriate I apologise please delete. Made me laugh.

[Tray Surfer]

Oh, this thread is providing much needed laughter... Thank you.

[mad_jock]

Well tray surfer.

On one of my types it has a cassette toilet which lives behind a door which then swings across the cabin to give some privacy and room for your knees.

One day we felt the usual trim change as someone went down the back to use it.

A minute later a the hostie appeared and announced there was an old lady in the toilet. Yes yes we said we felt the trim change. No look was her reply.

The Door wasn't across the cabin it was in its not being used position.

The space once that door is shut is about 75x75cm across by 1 meter high with just a hole.

And I once did a charter which was due to the wife of a rather famous African leader having to squeeze one out in the cool box in a kingair with the rest of the cabinet watching on. And being a bit of a big girl the Defence General had to help out wiping for her. I managed to cover most of the sports bar in the Gorge and Dragon in Dar Es Salaam when told that by the King Air pilot who was flying it at the time.

[Dr Jekyll]

And to think I always thought travelling by private jet would be glamorous.

[Savoia]

That's a bit naughty leaving the crews details uncovered.


Perhaps .. and more specifically had this information not already existed in the public domain.

[mad_jock]

Fair enough if it is, all I could see was a photo bucket account with no indication where it came from.

[fleigle]

Most standard configurations of modern Gulfstreams have a crew loo and rest area forward of the forward galley.
Naturally there are other options.
f

[wrmiles]

On a ski trip from Wichita to Colorado many years ago in a T210, one of the passengers really needed to go No. 1. Looked around, found one of the plastic bags the O2 masks came in, and after he was finished, slowed down, opened a side window and disposed of te bag. Some farmer in western Kansas probably wondered why it was raining on a clear morning.

[redsnail]

The Challenger 350 does not have a separate loo for the crew. Yes, occasionally we have to do the walk of shame.

[Piltdown Man]

I have no doubt the story is true. What it shows is the dreadfully low professional standards of investment bankers and their attitudes towards their clients. Getting caught short for medical reasons is understandable but not for an own goal. Professionals do not get ratted the night before and expect others to pay the price for their excesses. It was pleasing to hear this was an unpleasant and embarrassing moment for all concerned. It couldn’t have happened to more deserving people. Did I mention I can not stand bankers?

Loves the bottle episode.

PM