Radio Transmissions

[kintyred]

Gulf War One, cruising back to our base at Al Jubail when a US helicopter pitched up on Tower frequency with a languid southern drawl.
"Jubail Tower this is Dustoff, request join."
American controller replies.
"Dustoff this Jubail Tower, authenticate Hotel Mike."
Silence.
"Tower, we're army aviation out in the desert and we don't have that stuff."
"Dustoff authenticate Kilo Romeo." Replied tower with urgency.
Silence. We began to look around for the inevitable fireball as some trigger-happy yank took out this unidentified chopper.
"Sir, like I said we ain't got no crypto."
I could almost hear the thinks bubble in the tower.
"OK Dustoff, who won the Super Bowl in 88?"
"Ah, sir, that'd be the Washington Redskins!"
"Roger Dustoff, you're clear join!"

We were thankful that we did have the crypto as my knowledge of American Football is non-existent.

Come on people, there must be hundreds like this!

[Bob Viking]

"I am a lighthouse. Your call!"

BV:E

[NutLoose]

I say Over and out.... Over.... Over and out.

[Lockstock]

"I am a lighthouse. Your call!"

It's only a matter of time so let's get it over with:

''Yes, once in 1945 but I didn't land there" :zzz:

[SilsoeSid]

Roger, descending now!

[cynicalint]

Another mythical call - ' I'm not that bored'

However, reality of a sort intervenes and during Gulf War 1, we had to contact all merchant ships we flew past on Ch16 and ascertain their cargo, port of departure and port of destination. On flying past a ship, we would read the ship's name from the information painted on the hull, pass it to the tac nav who would initiate the call. In boredom, again drawing on an old and tired RT story, one LPG carrier's name was given as the letters painted on the bridge as - 'The Nosmo King'. Once the overworked tac Nav tried calling this callsign on Ch16, it opened the flood gates for the invention of spurious names such as 'Nopar King' and 'Esso Ottineer' along with the likes of 'Miar Sole'. To hear a senior nav call that his ar****le was on Ch 16 amused us during hours of tedium checking up to 136 contacts in a 4hr sortie. This led to competition between the tac nav and observers - be they flight deck or beam lookouts, to invent the most imaginable names and a pint waiting on detection or not. Simple things eh?

[SASless]

US Army Cobra helicopter....smacks the runway out of control and proceeds to put on a real show tearing itself to pieces as it rolls, tumbles,and otherwise thrashes itself to death. Tower Operator seeing the start of the fun....very quickly makes a radio call.

Tower- Cobra 161 do you need the Crash Trucks?

Cobra Pilot-I don't know....we ain't done crashing yet!

[albatross]

How about:
Tower: "Tiger Lead- you are on fire! -----uhh --Disregard I see you've already ejected!"
An oldy but a goody.

[Wensleydale]

Junior operator on a Shackleton AEW crew carrying out voice crosstell to Buchan during a busy "Mallet Blow" exercise. Unfortunately he misinterpreted his chinagraph scrawl on the radar screen leading to the transmission:

"Buchan this is Anyface. Previously reported new track 612 is actually track friend 607. Track faker 603 should be faker 602. New track 612 is spurious..... Do you over-stand, under?"

[BEagle]

During a boring boat-spotting exercise in the Tin Triangle, it is time for the Commissioned Fuse Changer to broadcast the information to all and sundry on the exercise frequency...

"All stations, Disport opens....yak yak yak...." and he drones on for several minutes of alphanumeric utterances, before finally ".....Disport closes".

Quick as a flash "Err, this is Midland Radar. I guess that wasn't for us?"

:uhoh:


On another occasion, OC10 Sqn Steve D****l is at the helm of a shiny Vickers FunBus and launches into a spiel about "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking......." at the end of which he hears an ominous 'click'.

"Oh bugger", he muses, "switch pigs". Sure enough, a few seconds later, "Ascot ****, this is Ascot ****. That was a really beautiful pax brief, but you're actually on Brize Tower!"

"Yes...thank you. I know!".

[ORAC]

"Lead, 2, are you in reheat?"

"Negative"

"In which case, you're on fire".....

[diginagain]

"Cancel two late lunches."
Followed shortly by;
"TIMBER!"

[Pontius Navigator]

A sly foot on the transmit pedal and our Yank instructor broadcasts:

"And that'll be another beer in the Bothy."

We know it went out as 360 played in back to us for the next hour or so :)

[BEagle]

Another couple I've overheard:

1968 from a student pilot in a Cessna 150:

"Cranfield Tower, Bedsair Charlie Mike, engine failure...request advice"
"Bedsair Charlie Mike, Roger. State position and intentions"
"Charlie Mike....I've just turned off onto the taxyway and the engine has stopped."
"Have you tried restarting?"
"Negative"
"Well, do so! If it starts, continue taxying!"

1976 from a Hunter pilot:

"Brawdy Tower, this is Red 2. I think I'm going to crash...."
Shortly followed by:
"I just have! Could you send a fire wagon?".

He'd just started taxying, one brake seized and he swung into the adjacent aircraft before he could stop.

Waiting at the hold at an RAFG station on our way home after yet another double IRT/Bierflug in the mighty VC10K, we are watching an Albert waddling rather uncertainly down the approach. It then smites the runway very hard indeed with clouds of tyre smoke; the wings sag noticeably before it staggers back into the air...

"Tower, Ascot **** ready for departure. We'll need to pull forward of the RHAG.....and these newly formed craters"
Peeved Herk QFI "We all had to learn once"
Anonymous voice "Clearly!"

Much chuckling and we're on our way. But I've never seen such a heavy C-130 landing as I saw that day!

[Dan Winterland]

Phantom over the North sea during an exercise comes up on the Neatishead TAD. Female fighter controller starts issuing instructions for an intercept. The pilot follows them, whereon the Nav asks,

"Aren't you going to authenticate her?"

"Authenticate her?" replied the pilot. "I've shagged her!"

[Dan Winterland]

In an issue of the exercise Alpha codes in the late 80's , the authentication for 'A-RS' was 'E'. During the first exercise after they were issued, it was the only code used. Strangely, it changed soon after.

[thing]

Flying Humberside's radar service a couple of years ago, director was vectoring a pass jet onto the ILS (or trying to). There had been a meet of microlights at a nearby airfield and about 10 departing motorised snot rags were all chatting to each other about what an wonderful day they had had etc on the director frequency.

Harrased controller told them to clear frequency immediately, followed by a GA guy transmitting for a good 10 seconds saying he had never heard such terrible radio discipline and they were a disgrace blah blah. Humberside director much wailing and gnashing of teeth by this point...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crossing a certain airport's CAS recently on a VFR clearance but murky day.

'G-** Maintain 3,000', turn left 270, traffic departing to your north'.

'3,000 on 270 G-**. I'll be India Mike Charlie on 270, request change of clearance to IFR'

'G-** remain VFR but in cloud.'

Er...rightio then...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My home airfield. Often told to orbit a certain point inbound while they deal with the heavy stuff. After one such hold, orbiting for around 10 minutes and all quiet on the radio front I thought I ought to drop a hint

'G-** still orbiting'

'Ah......yes, circuit clear what sort of join would you like?'

'Would one that ends in a landing be too much trouble?'

[BOAC]

Two more 'historic' calls:

"Say, mam, was I ever married to you?"

"Speechless One is this a practice?"
"Blip"
"Roger Speechless One, divert to Cranwell"


"Aberdeen, this is the f******g DanAir"

[obnoxio f*ckwit]

Offshore helicopter returning to Aberdeen: "xxxx, request descent"

Female controller (mistaking the c/s for one who wouldn't normally be asking for a descent at their position): "why do you want to descend?"

"Because I'd like to be closer to the ground when I get out?"

[KG86]

Flight of 3 RAF Chinooks approaching Coleman US Army base in Germany, for a refuel. The sqn's monthly-changing formation callsign was, for that month, Corncrake.

Ldr - "Coleman Tower, this is Corncrake Formation."

Twr - " uhhh... is that Corncrisp Information?"

Ldr - "Negative, Corncrake Formation."

Twr - "Roger, Cornflake Information, pass your message."

Ldr - Resignedly - "Roger, three Chinooks to join!"

[NutLoose]

Departing GA calls up requesting practice engine failure on departure, following GA with female trial lesson onboard explains what the one in front will be doing as they wait their turn....
As the departing aircraft climbs the instructor closes the throttle and declares the engine failure, student makes a total hash of it and the aircraft hits hard shearing off the right hand gear that bounces over the wing, the aircraft now dragging the wingtip and aileron along the ground veers off the side of the runway and onto the grass coming to rest with no injuries..
Young lady trial lesson looks at her instructor for the day and says "they don't half make it look realistic"


..

[Thax]

Many years ago, UH-1H gets airborne from a Southern island and contacts Flight Information to file an abbreviated VFR flight plan for the return to home base.

"Iroquois 3805 airborne .... at 15, VFR at 1500ft for ... at time 48, POB 6, Captain's name is Morgan'.

Info replies "Iroquois 05 Roger, please spell the captain's name".

Dutiful co-pilot responds "Captain's name is Morgan, big 'M' small 'organ' ".

Info took some time to acknowledge this message, as you might expect. Co-pilot did not touch the controls for the rest of the trip.

[BBadanov]

A classic from GW1.
Buccs were spiking for Tornados, but also carried an LGB (because they could).

Bucc callsigns were river names, in this mission "Avon".

Tornados depart the target area, Bucc orbits over the top and sees a target.
Releases a bomb and spikes it onto the target....

...and transmits: "Bing bong, Avon calling!"

[Timelord]

Reported to me by a controller at Eastern Radar (Watton):

An F 111 gets airborne from Lakenheath and checks in with Eastern; "Eastern Radar this is... er...standby...er...Ah, Eastern, we're an F 111 just airborne from Lakenheath and we've forgotten our callsign, can you get on to the SOF and get our callsign"

Controller obliges;

"From the SOF at Lakenheath adopt the callsign Stupid 01"

[ShyTorque]

Large green helicopter (resupplying rations) approaching major HLS in Northern Ireleand:

"Hello Buzzard, this is Mission 1234; inbound your location with underslung load".

"Hello Mission 1234. This is Buzzard, authenticate AQ!"

In broad Scottish accent:

"De ye want this f***ing load or don't ye?"

"Roger, 1234, clear to land, spot 2"

[goudie]

Probably apocryphal!
This conversation was overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz, while flying from Europe to Dubai .

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am not in Iranian airspace, I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ..... total silence)

[ICM]

A tale went round the RAF's Argosy force way back of a 215 Sqn copilot inbound to Bangkok who reportedly addressed the handling agents as "Bangbird Speedcock."

In the mid-70s, at Chicago O'Hare getting ready to go and overhearing a US pilot acknowledging his clearance: "OK, now we know how fast you can say it. Now let's hear how clearly you can say it."

[flap15]

Berlin Shoenefeld. Much digging going on in connection with the construction of the new terminal which leads to the inevitable WWII UXB. The German bomb disposal team are in attendance and when a critical stage is reached they close the Airport. This tower notifies to all with an expected opening time of 2pm. So at about 2.15 an English voice request start.

Twr. " Negative, airport closed bomb disposal still in progress"

Brit. "Oh, that's not the usual German efficiency we have come to expect"

Twr. "it is not our efficiency that you should question, it is your bomb that did not go off"

Brit. With much laughter " Roger, I will make some tea"

[BEagle]

Dan Winterland - re. your post #16, actually it was the nav who didn't authenticate. The event took place on Suphpholk's phinest phigther squadron in about 1982 - the pilot was killing himself with laughter when he told us. He later became OC216 ; the nav reached very senior rank before retiring and has PPRuNed on many occasions, but not for a while now....

ShyTorque - Having met the owner of that broad Scottish accent, it didn't surprise me in the least that he said that.

Viet Taff town names are hard enough for non-Welsh speakers, but for our colonial cousins are particularly challenging. In the mid-1970s, you were supposed to call up on Low Level Common when entering an LFA as, until the late 1970s, they were rather small and it was sensible to know whether anyone else was there.

So one fine day, one of Uncle Spam's finest bells up on LLCommon: "All stations, all stations, this is Rhino 1 and 2. Flight 'a 2 F-4s, enterin' LFA 7 two miles southa' Lanind....Ladridnod...Larindod...ah, the hell with it. Three miles northa' Boolth Wells".

[Pontius Navigator]

Or High Why Combee

[Yellow Sun]

One fine summer's day as I taxied out on the north side for 09R at LHR I was privileged to hear the following exchange:

A BA 747 was taxying out on the south side from T4. Almost from the moment he cast off the tug he started wittering on about an engine snag. This continued for some time until he finally said:


".Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut the engine down down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?"

Ground Controller (quick as a flash - and with feeling!):

GATWICK!


YS

[Motleycallsign]

Or the country cousin who alledgedly reported entering at Stabbs, when corrected and asked where he wanted routing to, asked for clearance to St Rumble for oceanic clearance.

[MPN11]

Second-hand from Hunter mate who was there, and told us in the Bar later ... Late 60s ...

"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing 243. Test 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10, 10-9-8-7 ..... Ummm ... Kuala Lumpur test out."

Cue wobbly 4-ship somewhere over the junghole.

[Pontius Navigator]

Second-hand from Hunter mate who was there, and told us in the Bar later ... Late 60s ...

"Kuala Lumpur Tower testing 243. Test 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10, 10-9-8-7 ..... Ummm ... Kuala Lumpur test out.".

Surprised some wag didn't come in with "Six . . . "

[vulcanised]

French pilot over Kent coast, "Passing east of sheepy" (Sheppey).

[Ubehagligpolitiker]

On early 1970’s Nimrod conversion course “solo” with very well known kipper fleet captain, fluent in “french” , on handover from the approach controller originating from a former Dominion to the local controller famous for her full figure and getting intercom/transmit switch wrong:

“just my effing luck, first effing Peter Sellers and now Rosie with the big t-ts.

[MPN11]

On 243.0, east of Lincolnshire according to the DF trace ...

"This is Wiggins, is anybody there?"

Ejection from a TF-100 using his SARBE. It worked, aircraft vectored down the trace, and he was found. Not, sadly, the other guy. I understand Wiggins ended up on F-111s.

[ExAscoteer]

Picture if you will an Albert sitting on the ground at Chicago awaiting slot time and monitoring the Ramp Freq...

A Lufthansa jet is late on Push-Back and wittering on and on about a passenger they have managed to mislay, when all of a sudden:

"Lufthansa XXX, this is EL Al YYY. Have you checked the ovens?"

[MPN11]

<groan> :rolleyes:

[FrustratedFormerFlie]

"Kilo Golf Sierra 30 radio check"
"Kilo Golf Sierra 30 you are loud but distorted and unreasonable"

I thought I'd asked him quite politely, really!

[diginagain]

A colleague of mine got into difficulty trying to herd a flight of six Gazelles through the Brize overhead. He managed to get them on frequency, but the check-in threw him a bit.
"Gaz Flt, lead, check-in."
"One"
"Two"
"Three"
"Four"
"Five"

ATC and the flight of Lynx already on freq were then treated to five minutes of recounts.

[ACW599]

Listening on the London Mil ICF one fine day years ago whilst (ahem) testing a scanning receiver:

"London Mil, this is... er, oh, I forgot my callsign".

"Station calling, are you the lead of an A-10 pair on handover?"

"Affirm, sir"

"Roger, adopt the callsigns Dummy One and Dummy Two. Dummy One, pass your message".

"OK, er, Dummy One is..." (etc)

[MPN11]

There are, of course, the real PITA moments when you want the frequency clear …

"Tengah Tower, Classic Magpie check" …
"Magpie 2 …
"Three …
"Four …
"Tengah Tower, Classic Magpie, taxi 4 to Butterworth, standard departure, climbing FL310"

It wouldn't have been quite as bad if I hadn't been trying, at the same time, to shout "OVERSHOOT, OVERSHOOT" to a certain 20 Hunter pilot who appeared to have failed to lower the dangling wheely things.

An elegant roller on the 230 gal tanks [scraped the paint on one, split the weld seam on the other] and a long draggy climb away, ensured he would survive to be CAS.
(Sorry, Sir, Your Lordship/Airship, but forking impressive reactions and recovery)
:O

(Apologies, that's probably a bit off-topic)

[ExAscoteer]

Departure from Pope AFB, N. Carolina, routing Gander.

I should point out that the Area Radar (Washington Centre) would normally route you 'around the houses' before taking you out to sea so as to avoid the airspace around Washington and New York. Furthermore, some of the reporting points were on the Lo but not the Hi Chart (and vice versa), which often meant a lot of 'husbandry' (ie panic) by the Nav as he/she threw charts around the Nav Station.

On this particular occasion we are handed over to Washington Centre who, strangely, clear us 'Direct Gander'.

Nav gives a snap (ie made up) heading and off we jolly well trot.

About 15 minutes later we hear:

"ASCOT 4567, are you RNAV equipped?"

Quick as a flash the Captain, A* H*** comes back with:

"Negative. We have a Nav, and he's called Bob."

To which the response:

"Well tell Bob to turn 30 degrees left!"






Oh how we laughed...

[Sloppy Link]

Cannot remember where I heard it but on guard was reportedly heard " unidentified airfield with a Cessna circling in your overhead, please identify yourself". Made me chuckle.

[Lord Spandex Masher]

Bimbling north up the Ambers a few years back when a company aircraft checked in going t'other way.

"London hello XXX123 flight level 240 direct Pole Hill"
"XXX123 London g'day and in a couple of minutes there'll be a pair of F3s climbing through your level working military, just letting you know so you don't get surprised"
"XXX123 roger, I spent 20 years flying Harriers in the air force and I've never been surprised by an F3 yet"

Would've been better if the F3s had been on the frequency but we all had a giggle anyway.

Nice one J** :ok:

[taxydual]

Late '70's Leeming Approach Room.

ATC Supervisor sat quitely entering lies into the ATC Sup Logbook. Young Plt Off sat on a very quiet Zone.

YPO (full of devilment and boredom) sees an chance of a wind up. He 'invents' an aircraft and promptly gives it a radar service. Three quarters the way through his chitter chatter, he (in a loud and annoyed voice) says "Mayday, wait!".

The effect on the ATC Sup was, well I think you can guess. His desk was kicked over, his chair went 180° in the opposite direction and apoplexy set in.

Oh how we laughed.

[kintyred]

Linton 1984. Us baby pilots had to do "an hour in the tower" each month to make us more Air Traffic Aware. I duly plugged into the back of the most attractive WRAF FO in the radar room as a Lightning was handed to her from Tower. The poor girl never stood a chance!

FO: good morning xxx, call passing flight level 80.

Lightning: Passing FL 220, do you want me to descend?

FO: (oblivious to sarcasm) Negative, would you like clearance through (airway) Blue 4?

Lightning: Nope, going over the top.

FO: Roger, what is your ETA for Binbrook?

Lightning: 4 minutes, switching to Binbrook radar. Bye.

I learned about Air Trafficers from that!

[Wander00]

MPN11 - Not PS by any chance?

[MPN11]

Not PS by any chance?

One couldn't possibly comment, Sir. :cool:

[MPN11]

Eastern Radar, early 70s,, Mildenhall CAC console, to a KC-135 in the maelstrom that was the radar picture back then ... Something like ...

"C/s, traffic in your 3 o'clock 5 miles 2000 above under this Units control, further traffic 10 o'clock 10 miles manoeuvring indicating 5000 above, further traffic 12 o'clock 20 miles under our control at FL 160 ... Etc "

"Roger, Sir, no contact, but this airplane is like a tree full of owls." :cool:

[Wander00]

MPN11 - Lovely guy all the same - had a room in the same corridor at Cranditz in the 60s. One of those guys you are really pleased made it to the top. There were others in that Entry.........................

[CathayBrat]

I duly plugged into the back of the most attractive WRAF FO in the radar room
Very liberal in the Junior Service!
Not Mil related, but when you called up for a WX brief at your inbound airport in Sub-Saharan Africa, it was always the same, day in, day out, without fail, parrot fashion over the radio. After the controller had finished, you would then ask (considering you were less than 15 miles away and could see the towering CB's), which end of the runway was clearer, to be told the rain was too heavy to see the ramp, let alone the runway!

[thing]

Recently flying back from somewhere with mate P1ing, me sat in RH throne. Had a total electrical failure, everything dead. Him dealing with FRCs, I shout at him 'Shall I squawk 7700?'.

He shouts back 'Not much kin point is there.....'

Ah, yes....

[Lima Juliet]

Alright, I'll bite...

According to a Marine Pilot:
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,
all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air
Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting
Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and
involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and
points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this:

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'


Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps F/A-18 fighter. Send 'em up,
I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)



Cue lighthouse story...

[thing]

There was this lighthouse and in it was a club for oficers that no one else could join unless they were officers or Chinese. The Chinese took the railings for scrap and some other people sold the contents of the library on e bay.

The sign above the door said 'Last refuge for the poor and needy via the side door please, class and snobbery via the front' '

In the lamp room were airships who shone their teeth to provide light and nuspeak to provided succour before absailing down their wallets to claim first rites at the Grauniad to tell stories of want and decay after Mr Pension was warm and secure in their arse pocket.

Meanwhile on planet earth...

[Brian Abraham]

British Airways contacting Bangkok Approach

"Bangbird this is Speedcock"

[Dan Winterland]

I was following a Lightning on a PAR for a practice diversion at Waddington once. He went around at minimums - the director controller was a little confused about the blip which appeared to be stationary (no SSR at Wad in those days). She asked him what his heading was. The reply was "straight up". My QFI invited me to take a look from under my hood to see the planform of a Lightning in a vertical climb.

[SASless]

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always
remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater)
and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles up.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft and the
Los Angeles Air Traffic Control Center as we entered the Los Angeles area airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, the Center did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a single-engine Cessna ask for a read-out of its ground speed.

"90 knots," Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same.

"120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day; as almost
instantly an F/A-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was,
when I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for
we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen 20, I show 1,742 knots."

There were no further ground speed inquiries.

[MFC_Fly]

Operating midway between Socotra and the Seychelles in the early 90's we had been working Mogadishu (out of courtesy) on HF for a couple of hours. We slowly moved west during the sortie and when in range of land our baby co-pilot contacted Mogadishu on VHF and after initial comms established...

Co: "We have been working Mogadishu on Hotel Fox for the last 2 hours"
ATC: "c/s, Roger, what is your aircraft type?"
Co: "we are a Nimrod, I spell N-I-M-R-O-D, Nimrod"
ATC: "Roger, who is your operator?"
Co (confused look on face): "Say again sir"
ATC: "c/s, who is your operator?"
Co: "Errr, my... my operator is Sgt McC***"
P1 (jumping in): "Mogadishu this is c/s, my operator is BritMil!"


Of course we didn't take the piss out of the co for the rest of that flight - no, wait.... we did :ok:

[Scottie66]

Many, many years ago when I was at Nav School, we were on one of the many Dominie sorties when we heard Lon Mil ask an aircraft for its position. An American voice responed with

"Overhead Kree Wee"

Lon Mill: "C/S Say again your position"

"Overhead Kree Wee"

After another attempt Lon Mil asked for the aircraft's popsition from Daventry. The American voice responded with said range and bearing. As Nav 2, I along with just about every other C/S on freq rapidly plotted the range/bearing to findout the "Kree Wee" was in actual fact Crewe.

[John Eacott]

the director controller was a little confused about the blip which appeared to be stationary

Favourite jolly jape on Sea Kings at Culdrose was to carefully slow down on the GCA and either hover or start backing up the G/S with a bet on how long it would take to sink in at the other end.

Trainees could get quite flustered :E

[Roger the cabin boy]

"Architect, Architect, this is Vortex 123. Request latest weather actuals for Echo Golf Oscar Shawbury."

[BEagle]

A German commercial from a few years ago:

KLSdOY-6R_U


:)

[OldAgeandTreachery]

Stanley,mid 80's: ATC trabant calling for clearance to cross the runway.

22 to 2,clear to take the rover over, over.

[Agaricus bisporus]

Wee hours returning home over the channel on a much delayed Malaga flight. Radiso dead quiet. We heard London ask someone if they'd Tx on box 2 for a radio calibration test. We duly switched to eavesdrop,

"Scuzzyjet this is London, transmit for test"

"London this is Scuzzyjet, I wish I was a little bug with hairs all on my tummy, I'd climb into a honey pot and get my tummy gummy. Over."

Stunned silence.

"Er, Scuzzyjet this is London, thanks for your help, out." Not a hint of humour. Miserable git!

[Tankertrashnav]

A position report sent from a Belfast on the Gan-Changi leg of a Singapore flight shortly after the type's introduction reputedly ended with the words:

"Captain and crew all well - no outbreak of scurvy noted as yet"

Not for nothing was it soon known as the Belslow.

[Madbob]

Probably an old one you will have heard before.

Wattisham, picture loads of Lightnings taxiing out for an elephant walk (an imitation of a survival scramble without taking off) during an exercise.

One pilot transmits....."I'm bored"

CO of squadron responds "last transmit, say call sign"

Original pilot "I'm not that f***ing bored!"

Caused a few smirks to all on freq! Never did ID the culprit.

MB

[ancientaviator62]

We were sat in Albert somewhere in the USA (memory fade) chinagraphs poised waiting for our departure clearance from the lady with the machine gun delivery.
A/c next door gets his and we wince at the speed and the accent. He says to the controller in a perfect southern drawl. 'Maam this is as fast as I can write, if you speak at this speed we will get along fine'. Outburst of cheering over the airwaves from the waiting multitude.

[dazdaz1]

Pal of mine USAF accidentally contacted a 'drone' via voice. The reply came back...
00100 10100 01001 01100 Those drones sure have a sense of humour.

I'll get my coat.

[Sideshow Bob]

There's the old story about the Blackburn Beverley crew who were asked to confirm their gear status, the reply was 'down and welded'

[Rossian]

........back in the days when Channel Light vessel had an MF beacon on it. Our man dialled up the MF freq, let's say 234, as 234Mhz on UHF and was left wondering why he got no reply. We wuz brung up hard an' crool we wuz.

The Ancient Mariner

[Rossian]

....taking over from a Canadian Argus who had been on task for 20 hours and failed all legitimate attempts at authentication. came up with the correct answer to the question:

Me - "What's the name of the grumpy barman in the O's Mess at your present homeplate, over"
Argus - "Ralph!!"
Me - "Standing by to copy your sitrep" Phew!

The Ancient Mariner

[CoffmanStarter]

There's the old story about the Blackburn Beverley crew who were asked to confirm their gear status, the reply was 'down and welded'

And it was also quite common to be asked the same on the Chipmunk going down the PAR glide slope :rolleyes:

[VX275]

Beverley intercom so techically not a transmission. As the Beverly prototype lifts off for the first time TP turns to his co and says "My side is airborne, how's yours?"

A story passed to me from an old AAC pilot was one of the trials of a high powered radio for the Scout out in Borneo in the 60's. Scout is flown further and further from base, in and out of the jungle clearings with test transmissions being made regularly. Then over the radio comes an American accented voice " Will you guys shut up we're fighting a war over here." (Transmissions obviously reaching Vietnam)
ACC reply was " So are we dear boy, difference is we're winning ours."

[Motleycallsign]

There's the old story about the Blackburn Beverley crew who were asked to confirm their gear status, the reply was 'down and welded'
'And it was also quite common to be asked the same on the Chipmunk going down the PAR glide slope :rolleyes:'

Same thing on the Wessex! Guetersloh always advised us that our DECCA letdown to the runway would be radar monitored, caused a moments silence once when we said that their GCA would be DECCA monitored.

[Bannock]

A German exchange pilot was cheekily given the honour to lead a Seaking Mk VI flight down the Thames as part of the D-day commemorations some years ago.
This guy was not renowned for his sence of humour.
Upon checking in with ATC at Kew Gardens with his section , was asked if he was familiar with flying low level over London .
Without pausing he responded with a true General Von Klinker Hoffen accent
Negative but Mein grand father is !

[thing]

And it was also quite common to be asked the same on the Chipmunk going down the PAR glide slope

Always wondered where 'down and welded' came from. You'll be happy to know it's still in common usage at thing aviation when floating down the PAR.

[Bannock]

Mayday Call to German coastguard.
Mayday Mayday I'm Sinking I'm Sinking

Reponse - Copied, Vot are you sinking about !!

My favourite - Canadian Dipping Seaking near Comox BC declaring on tactical net that his
"Balls wet in Fanny Bay"

and yes, not much happening in the office today!

[MATELO]

Northern England Range... waiting for 3 B 52's passing overhead. Eventually the call up.....

"This is Buff formation at 250, 10 miles North of the range"

"Buff formation, can you just confirm that you are at FL250, I cant see you on radar"

"Negative sir, 250 feet"

I can only imagine the look of horror on peoples faces as they crossed the A69 at 250ft

[MightyGem]

Mayday Call to German coastguard.
Mayday Mayday I'm Sinking I'm Sinking

Reponse - Copied, Vot are you sinking about !!
Oh do pay attention Bannock. Post 65. :rolleyes:

[Dancing Bear]

JMC circa 1994/5.

ASW action in full flow.

Confused Gunnery Officer trying to direct the action, 2 Sea King 6s and 1 Nimrod around.

"C/S this is PWO, mark dip 270 datum at 3nm"

Quick as a flash and without a hint of irony Nimrod replies

"D/E C/S, many regrets unable, I actually require forward airspeed to remain airborne!!"

PWO spoke very little for next few minutes, Dipgang took charge!:ugh::ugh:

[West Coast]

At ORD on a busy day, ground controller didn't like the spread out line heading to 32L, "I need you guys to tighten it up, butts to nuts"

I was damn near crying I was laughing so hard.

[John Botwood]

Three months after leaving my crew on Shacks and being posted to Operations, my old crew had been in for briefing for a night 15hr Navex. One of the items on the checklist was the exchange of coded messages to keep in practice: these were monitored of course, by Group Headquarters.
After some 5 hours, I signed for the latest coded message and nipped into the code room. When it was decoded, I ran to the Ops desk in time to find the Group light on and ringing. Before answering and read, the message was checked again; "Please can we come home now - 'cos we are cold and hungry".
I picked up the Green phone and waited for the blast.
JohnB

[BEagle]

JMCs were always good for daft radio transmissions, usually from that infamous naval person Ah Roger Waitout.

On on exercise, a gaggle of Buccs was running in at the speed of heat to do its anti-Sverdlov attack or similar. The odd clipped transmission as they split for the attack, followed by a quick call:

"Eagle, (Buccs) - running in."
"Ah Roger, standby"
"(Buccs) - bananas, bananas (or similar action brevity words)"
"(Buccs), this is Eagle"
"Eagle, WAIT.....bombs gone"
"(Buccs), this is Eagle - can you delay a couple of minutes please?"
"Negative. Attack complete and RTB!"
"Ah Roger...Waitout"

:rolleyes:

[Wensleydale]

Three months after leaving my crew on Shacks and being posted to Operations,
my old crew had been in for briefing for a night 15hr Navex. One of the items on
the checklist was the exchange of coded messages to keep in practice: these were
monitored of course, by Group Headquarters.


The same used to happen on AEW Shacks - especially when the radar went u/s and the crew were forbidden to waste fuel by dumping to landing weight. In addition to sending training coded messages, the radar team, which consisted mainly of navigators who had not actually navigated anything since nav school, would sometimes try their hand at manual air plot or some other archaic WW2 technique that was still taught at Finningly in those days.

During one of these long nights of burning off fuel, the 8 Sqn ops desk received a coded message from the airborne shack which was burning off petrol on a long navex. After decoding the multi group message, the message read "Franklebum (the TACO) has just found Rockall". Not to be outdone, the ops-desk duty crew prepared their own message to send back, and it being a long and quiet night they rang Buchan with the message to pass on: "I have a message of 93 groups for C/S....". Thinking that this would keep the crew quiet for a while, the ops team settled down for a nap. However, just a few minutes later came a reply in NAMAT from the Shack crew, "Unable to decode. Do not hold NAMAT".


On a different theme, No 8 Sqn deployed their Shackletons en-masse to St Mawgan take part in the 1981 "Ocean Safari" exercise where continuous 24 hour orbits were to be maintained for Naval Forces in the SW approaches. Given the Shackleton's slow transit speed, a two hour transit was needed at the height of the exercise. One of the crew captains decided that he would carry out a "tactical transit", radar off, radio silent, at 250ft (and lower). At the briefing the crew were warned to look out for a Soviet Kresta II which was monitoring the exercise.

The crew duly got airborne and were about an hour into the transit when the co-pilot saw something loom onto the horizon. "That'll be the Kresta" said the captain. "Let's go and have a look" and the Shack turned towards the ship which slowly got bigger and bigger. meanwhile, the 1st Navigator, who had been an AEOp in a previous existence, stepped out of his tent to have a look. "Don't think its a cruiser" he said knowledgeably. "Of course it is", said the Captain, just as a couple of F14s intercepted, followed by a Prowler.

The ship got bigger and bigger and took on the unmistakeable silhouette of a USN aircraft carrier which was not involved in the JMC and was surrounded by its escorts. "Perhaps they don't want us to buzz them during flying operations" suggested the nav. Finally the lights turned on and the captain turned away from the now very close ships.

Tuning through some NATO radio frequencies while they beat a hasty(?) retreat, the Shack crew heard the immortal radio call from one of the aircraft which was struggling to maintain formation and refusing to come down any lower:

" I don't know, sir. I think its a Liberator".

[Pontius Navigator]

Off New York.

Centre to Nimrod, "What is your aircraft type?"

"CS type is Nimrod."

"What's a Nimrod?"

"It is the UK state-of-the-art ASW aircraft Sir, similar to a P£ but better."

Meanwhile another aircraft returns to the freq having missed the reply.

"Say again, what is a Nimrod?"

Centre replied:

""It is the UK state-of-the-art ASW aircraft - dummy." :)

I should mention that was a LONG time ago.

[AR1]

back in the early 70's I knew a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying east of Cyprus. It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this:

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Turkish airspace. Identify yourself.'


Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force aircraft. I am in British airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Turkish airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a Royal Air Force F6 Lightning fighter. Send 'em up,
I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: Wait? - In a Lightning? Ahahahahah!!!

Might not be true though.

[Pontius Navigator]

Air Defense Radar: "Wait? - In a Lightning? Ahahahahah!!!"

I thought at first . . .

Wonderful, true or not :D

[albatross]

Late 40s The first Bristol Freighter to grace Canadian airspace lumbers into the Dorval control zone in Montreal and lands.
TWR: (examining the beast through binoculars) : "Say again your aircraft type."
BF: "Bristol Freighter."
TWR:"Did you build it yourself???!!!"

What a lovely thing she is but not about to win any beauty contests.

[ORAC]

Late 1970s, an AEW Shacklebomber heading slowly down the east coast in the teeth of a headwind for PIs of CY. FM at Boulmer is bored,

FM: "Anyface XX, you'd be better on 125."

Anyface: Boulmer, wait........ Negative, my nav say my current heading is good."

FM: Anyface XX, I meant the train......."

[Pontius Navigator]

"Wittering Pan Anyface, suspected engine failure No 3 engine request PAR to land."

"Anyface roger, vector . . . ,

"Anyface do you have civvies on board?"

"?, negative."

"Anyface you will not be allowed in the Officers' Mess and will need hotel accommodation down town. What is your POB?"

"Wittering, request handover to Cottesmore."

And that is absolutely true.

At Cottesmore we were allowed in the Mess but told we would have to eat in a separate room and use a scruffs bar in one of the wings. Instead we joined the Germans in one corner of the bar where they were also in flying suits.

[BEagle]

After attending a boring brief at ISK, something to do with a might Bunter sortie to photograph the Navy playing roundball at the top of the world, we offered ourselves for any QRA tanker tasking needed.

Somewhat surprisingly, this was readily accepted by the system - and even more astonishingly we were soon scrambled. A quick transit to the area of interest, but then the Sovs decided to go home, so we were cleared to RTB and began a climb to high level whilst the oven was fired up for our 60 min trip home.

Up spake a voice over the ether. In the background we could hear the growling of Griffons and the rattle of rivets...."Before you go - could you pass a report to Lossie for us - our HF is down."

"Affirm - go ahead"
"(Anyface) position Nnn:nn.n Ennn:nn.n at hh:mm, estimating EGQS at hh:mm"
"Roger, got that. But is that today?"

[albatross]

Don't know if this is true but:
CF-104: "Request straight in due low fuel state."
TWR:"Unable you are #2, #1 is a B-52 emergency that has lost an engine!"
CF-104: "Ah, yes - the dreaded 7 engine approach!"

[Bill4a]

I dont vouch for the truth of this one, but St Mawgan early 70s

Tower XXX you are weak and distorted
XXX Tower so would you be after 12 hours in this!

Mid 70s Manston on climbout

Tower say again all after 'Maintain'

We knew how to have fun!

[TomJoad]

Don't know if this has been posted, haven't looked through all yet:

Lossie tower, young lady controller following emergency state 2 was rather excited and broadcast over tanoy "Emergency state 2 - aircraft terminated safely"

she became known as Arnie after that for while. She was a good sport and saw the funny side.

[Baehr]

Frankfurt Ground Controller to BA Aircraft (This was in the early 1970's ;))

"I told you to turn left at the next intersection! Haven't you been here before?"

Long Pause ....

"Yes. About 30 years ago ... But it was dark."

[Baehr]

US controller to RAF Aircraft exiting Oceanic control:

"Say your aircraft type"

"Military 4-piston twin jet"

"I say again, say your aircraft type"

"Military 4-piston twin jet."

"What the hell is that?" How many engines have you got? How many propellors?"

"4 Piston engines, 8 propellors, 2 jet engines."

Long pause

"Each piston engine has 2 propellors. One goes one way round, the other goes the other way around. - And we've got 2 jet engines."

"Well if you've got one propellor going one way round and another going the other way around - You go nowhere!"

Then somebody who knew a bit came on the line: "Ah haa! You're a Royal Air Force Shack-le-Ton!"

Problem solved.

[Wensleydale]

Another Shackleton story....

Carrying out a PAR into Coventry for an air-show static. It transpired that the controller had some affinity for the type as he also gave a submarine attack profile on the way down....

"Passing 3 Miles - on glide path - blue silk to memory"

"Passing 2 miles - on heading - scanner to attack"

etc.

[clicker]

Back in the 80's I worked for an American airline at Gatwick.

Every 4th of July I got hacked off with the crews wishing me, a brit, a "Happy Independence Day" but in due course found a suitable reply. "Thank you Sir, but remember we got there first."

=============

Being a keen photographer I visited Coltishall just prior to it's closing when an exchange visit took place with visiting Polish Su-7s. A formation of one jag and 3 Su-7s departed using a 6 squadron callsign so I stuck their ops freq into my scanner for a heads up for their return. I almost missed the photos as I was still laughing at the call to ops. "Canopener, Canopener, trousers down in 5 minutes."

[laterron]

80's P3 out of Butterworth mointoring the area freq, BA position report Speed Bird 121 FL 310 abeam F***it (Phuket)

[BEagle]

Another Shackleton story....

Carrying out a PAR into Coventry for an air-show static.

That must have been difficult for the controller, given that isogonals move faster then a Shacklebomber......

[noprobs]

A VC10 was heading back home across the Atlantic after some time away. It was the middle of the night, everyone was tired, and there was little to do. As soon as possible, radio contact was established in order to pass a report to base of accumulated minor faults requiring rectification. One such was along the lines of "Rear fire axe stowage lower attachment unserviceable." The person at the other end did not hear this clearly enough to understand. So it was sent again, with individual words repeated. Still no joy. A further attempt was made, this time spelling out the letters of the words. Once more, it was not understood. The final transmission from the VC10 was "Look, I'm trying to tell you that my chopper won't hang straight. Out."

[noprobs]

In Germany, many units had a morning routine that included a test transmission on Guard. With many airbases, often transmitting from multiple positions (tower, approach, ground etc.), and various air defence ground units, this produced lots of distracting noise along the lines of "This is xxx tower on 243.0, test 1-2-3-4-5, 5-4-3-2-1, out." Usually, this was followed by a response from another station reporting on the volume and readability on a 1 to 5 scale, so 5 by 5 was perfect. After one series of such transmissions, a voice with an American accent and fighter-like background noise replied "xxx, I'm reading you 2 by 2. That's too loud and too often."

[clicker]

Monitoring HF one night and picked up a Ascot VC10 speaking to Architect and getting a set of forecasts which were not too good. The final one was clearly not to the crews liking as the final word to Architect was "St John, chapter 11 verse 35"

[BEagle]

noprobs, whilst transiting the Med, we heard some other Air Trafficker testing his 243.0 by clicking and blowing. After about 20 minutes of this irritating nonsense, a pained German voice came up on 243 saying:

"Hey, would whoever is doing ze blow job on Guard please shut the hell up!"

Good call!

[Wensleydale]

As soon as possible, radio contact was established in order to pass a report
to base of accumulated minor faults requiring rectification.


The Shackleton crew also used to pass a "Tech Warn" coded message at the end of every sortie (to give the groundcrew a heads up of who/what was needed for the after flight). Bored crews would often invent some strange snags, including one that I decoded one night as duty crew.....

"Co-pilot's cock flap sticking and venting".

[Wander00]

Clicker - had to look it up, but most apt!

[clicker]

BEagle,

Reminds me of a comment on the company freq when a Wardair crew responded with "Aircraft playing trains, loud and clear"