Crap - by the numbers

[HamFan]

Just noticed this amazing seven-point checklist for A380 potty procedures.

Each time she comes in to check the guys are still alive the CC also enquires into the needs of the Capt to go pee-pee. If he expresses interest in an “evacuation“, she will go out and move the Y class rabble away from the crapper and rope it off like a night club VIP entry. All the bored and dazed cattle class being moved away to gaze, slack-jawed, from a distance at the relative spectacle of the "VIP" captain heading for the Thunder Bowl.

Then the GR2 stands guard outside the throne room as the Capt unfolds the Gulf News and settles in for the long haul long drop. Everyone takes note of the time.

Hundreds of NM later, he emerges to a appreciative round of applause from the punters but dashes their hopes by declaring “30min holding” required for the bog.

Can't believe they have a checklist for taking a crap!! What next?? Probably driven by IFS, as always. What a laughing stock we are. The original door Airbus designed would solve all of this - but not with this lot.

I love how they refer to it as a "VIP" rope. You 380 wallahs are VIPs!!

[NG_Kaptain]

That is so funny:D:D, hope the unnamed airline doesn't institute same.

[I.R.PIRATE]

Thats Super


:zzz:

[White Knight]

EXCEPT........................ You missed the vital word.......


MAYBE:D

[Oceanic]

Post of the week, had me in stitches.

I couldn't believe the FCI when I read it. Must be the laughing stock of the aviation community.

Who writes this 'crap!'

[Dropp the Pilot]

Well, Emirates is a very style conscious.

Maybe restricting the pilot's use of the facilities is just an attempt to coordinate their personal appearance with that of their bloated and contorted airplane.

[Old King Coal]

In halcyon days gone by, one would leave the flight deck as & when natures call required, with no procedure or 'guarding' necessary.

Invariably some kindly soul would let you jump the queue, thus you'd enter the gentleman's reading room, close & bolt the door, and on would come the light.

Now, when compared to the modern vacuum flush units, the old water flush toilets didn't always quite cut-the-mustard when it came to disposing of other peoples business and you could bet your bottom dollar that, if the person whom had let you jump the queue was some mega-hot bint (presently standing outside the door), what would now be facing you - as you lift the lid on the throne - would be a gargantuan dreadnaught of truly eye watering proportions, veritably a turd akin to a half Dundee cake, and which might best be described in terms of the ubiquitous 'Henry Moore', aka, a very large pile of **** in a public place.

You'll marvel to yourself that whom ever lamped-out this champion of a Vince didn't also cry out in a glass-shattering falsetto, i.e. reminiscent of the eponymous Bexleyheath-born chanteuse, Kate Bush, and you'll also figure that whom ever it was has certainly lost some weight!

Coupled with its visual horror, the smell is rank to the extent that you wish you'd gone in there with a miner's canary.

You immediately try the flush, but this battleship-sized neckbreaker of a Richard III is stuck fast upon the slipway and there ain't no budging it!

So you load ream upon ream of bog paper on top the gentle giant, and try the flush again.

Unfortunately this appears to make matters worse. The bowl is now clogged all to hell, with what might best be described as crapier mache, and the addition of yet more water runs the risk of it all overflowing.

Conscious of the good will shown at letting you jump the queue, and yet far from the "I won't be long" that you initially intended, you've now been in there for ages and, with the addition of water, the smell is getting worse!

But yet more haunting even than this, is the premonition of what will be the bint's reaction, were she to find that growler still in-situ in the bowl, not to mention the mountain of bathroom origami that now bedecks it; she would, no doubt, think that it's all of your doing and there's now no way that you can hope to explain it!

Wobble of head and 'what to do' ?!

Needless to say, the thought of taking a dump yourself is now probably the furthest thing from your mind, but, needs must!

So you drop your strides, indulge in some lavitation (aka 'hovering', just as ladies are want to do in a public bog) and pray to God that you don't drop a ¼ pounder pipe bomb (i.e. a kind of explosive **** that goes off without warning just as soon as it enters the pan, usually causing massive collateral damage by way of backsplash) and you are now somewhat regretting the extra fiery rogan josh that you had last night.

Doing your best to avoid shaking hands with the French (i.e. pushing ones finger through the bum wad) one finishes the polishing and then, with a trepidatious hand, attempt a final flush.

Miracle of miracles, the whole ensemble whooshes down the gurgle tube. With quiet delight you note that the dreadnaught has finally sunk !

You vainly endeavour to mask the still awful stench, via a more than liberal spraying of that foul smelling poo pourri, i.e. the aptly named Eau d'Toilet that is oft found gratis in airliner thunder closets.

Composing yourself, fly up / shirt tucked in, you make your exit as if the ****uation never happened... only to find that there's nobody waiting outside and that your previous angst was misplaced. However, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps the odour emanating from your antics has encouraged any queuers to another part of the aircraft, and you further note that rows of seats close-by (on what is a full flight) seem strangely empty?!

And the lesson from all this is: Always get the Cabin Crew to check & clean the bog before you intend to use it, especially if it's a water flusher !

[clear to land]

Absolutely brilliant! Nothing like toilet humour-made my day :ok::ok::ok:

[Gulfstreamaviator]

Nothing worse then leaving well rounded skid marks, for all to see.

Must admit that I am surprised that there is not a thunder box in sharp end for exclusive crew use.

The Gulf News is perfect for toilet duties, especially the sport section.


NEVER mind.

glf

[GMC1500]

I have never laughed so hard at a post before. Well done, sir :D

I thought the original post was good, but yours?

[ironbutt57]

Is that a recall checklist?? or read n do??:}

[I.R.PIRATE]

Old King Cole, you have got it so right.

Thanks for the chuckle, brilliant.:D

[777boyo]

OCC.

Is that you Nobby? Seem to recognise the syntax and grammar.... If so, a perfect tale for your next "blue water" engagement.... :D

7B

[Desert Dawg]

@Old King Coal

Brilliant, side-splittingly funny post SIR..!!!

You made my week!!! Thanks for that dose of brilliant humour...!:ok::ok::ok:

[one for the road]

Old King Cole.....
Very Funny and very witty ,you are surely in the wrong job!

[porch monkey]

Rolled gold, dude, rolled gold! :D:D:D

[Payscale]

Am I the dumbest guy in town? or is potty humor just not my style...
It an available lavatory for customers. Unfortunately due to the world we live in security procedures have to be in place when we use it.
Yes we would ALL prefere a crew only lavatory and bunks up front. Thats just not the case, so work around it....or pee in you flight bag

[RnR]

OCC,,

Brilliant Sir,,,, just cracked up laughing. Thanks:D:D

[I.R.PIRATE]

Come now Payscale - you know you love it.

[Payscale]

...one man pee is another mans gold....:hmm:

[dadster]

If it ain't Boeing.... you ain't going...LOL.

[ManaAdaSystem]

Seriously? There is no dedicated crew toilet on the 380?

A mate of mine got a tour of the LH 380, and they had a separate crew area with bunks and toilet, all locked away from the passenger areas.

Photo Tour of an Airbus A380 at Lufthansa Technik in Frankfurt | Airline Reporter | Blogging on the airline business (http://www.airlinereporter.com/2011/06/photo-tour-of-lufthansa-technik-in-frankfurt-germany/)

[ManaAdaSystem]

I'm really surprised USA and UK allow EK to fly in and out of their airspace when the pilots are exposed to attacks from the passengers whenever they visit the toilet or when they want to take a rest.
That explains why they have to make a procedure for this. I sure they have been told to do it.

[helen-damnation]

The 330/340 have a toilet directly outside of the cockpit that the F or J class use

And the 777 has 2 there (even more c%@p) :O

[White Knight]

I'm really surprised USA and UK allow EK to fly in and out of their airspace when the pilots are exposed to attacks from the passengers whenever they visit the toilet or when they want to take a rest.
That explains why they have to make a procedure for this. I sure they have been told to do it.

And the 777 bogs are any different? So many muppets on this forum:ugh::ugh::ugh::ugh::ugh: And at least you can assault the 777 lav without scaling the steps:D:D:D

[White Knight]

Seriously? There is no dedicated crew toilet on the 380?

Seriously? There is no dedicated crew toilet on the 777? What a piece of sh1te:=

[ManaAdaSystem]

Seriously? There is no dedicated crew toilet on the 777? What a piece of sh1te

I am just surprised by the fact that the biggest civilian airliner in the world is too small to accommodate a crew toilet for the pilots.
Or more correctly, that EK chose not to install one.

Regards,

The Muppet.

[givemewings]

A couple of points-

The reason there is a difference between LR and ULR- there are more lavs on the ULR, so it actually gets less crowded while pax wait. On an LR going to say, LHR or CDG, the lines actually get quite long, (only 3 toilets for almost as many pax not 5) hence the fwd lav is left 'open' for pax to use UNTIL one of the cockpit crew feel the call of nature. That is when the 'VIP Rope' comes into the equation. (Airbus' name for it, not EK's- their manual takes a lot of the original AB terms)

On ULR flights funnily enough the lavs seems to get less usage (prob beause everyone is out to it sleeping, whereas on Euro/UK flights lots of them stay awake to enjoy some bevvies and as many movies as they can fit in)


Aside from seats/fuel/weight issue you'll find the CRC is where it is because it allowed extra pallets of freight where the factory standard CRC would be. That info was direct from TC in a flight global article about a year ago...

Lav 'policy' (at least on the CC side) has been in place as long as I have flown on A380, coming up on just about 3 years, actually!! It's just not as rigidly followed on all flights since on the day (at least as I was told) it's up to the skipper's discretion. If s/he wants the rope up for the whole time, they can ask. It's just not recommended since it clogs up the front of the plane to have one lav out of use. (Pun not intended!!:E)

So technically, yes there is a dedicated crew toilet on ULR flights, since the crew are the only ones using it. But it's not inside any crew rest area, which I suppose is the technical definition of a crew-only toilet...?

Edit:

Article here (http://www.flightglobal.com/news/articles/double-luxury-how-the-airlines-are-configuring-their-a380s-315369/)

Clark says the decision to put the cabin-crew rest on the main deck was basically to preserve cargo capacity. "There is not much volume on the bottom deck," he says, adding that cargo can account for up to 20% of the airline's overall income.
The airline is due to take its first "medium-range" configured A380s next year that will differ mainly in that the crew rest zone will be removed and replaced with 28 economy seats, says Clark. These will be used on sectors of less than 12h.
From 2010, Emirates will introduce A380s with a two-class cabin layout seating 604 passengers - 60 business and 544 economy. These will be used on "regional" routes of up to 6h from Dubai.

Hmm bit late on those 2-class then!!

[givemewings]

Rows 41 & 42 disappear on the ULR and the lavs are there, on the LR the cabin starts with empty space at row 41 Y class (no bulkheads or curtains at the M1 doors...)

Ok some of you might think this topic is lame but one of you asked so here you go... everyting you could ever want to know about the A380 sh!tter ;)

Before anyone starts on about 'sensitive information', none of this is anything pax don't have access to/couldn't photograph themselves, FYI... they all know where our CRC is, they always try to go do their thing as they think it is an extra large dunny!

[Craggenmore]

EK has another 60 380's to arrive with options for more.

Will they address and rectify the obvious problems of the ridiculous positioning of the CRC and lavs'..?

[givemewings]

We can only hope..! Galley FM says they may do an option with 1 or no showers in F on routes that show low to no demand.... not sure if true

[Desert Dawg]

Old King Coal...

PLEASE write another funny episode to brighten up my day....:p

(I'm tired of all this crap talk about where toilets are on a bloody plane...!!!)

I need to laugh my ass off again...!!!:}:}

[givemewings]

Here's one for you. On a trip into (destination removed to protect the guilty) we went to clear the FD for descent then, the F/O came out to use the lav only to find in the minute or two the crew had been in the cockpit, someone had left a neat little turd at the top of the steps! Amazingly none of the pax in row 41 saw anything!! (Must have been one of them... :E)

[falconeasydriver]

Seriously? There is no dedicated crew toilet on the 777? What a piece of sh1te

Oh how wrong you are....there is a dedicated toilet on the 777..it's on the 777F, and no pesky door camera either:E
We even get to make our own coffee :}

[falconeasydriver]

Seriously? There is no dedicated crew toilet on the 777? What a piece of sh1te

Oh how wrong you are....there is a dedicated crew toilet on the 777..it's on the 777F, and no pesky door camera either:E
We even get to make our own coffee :}

[donpizmeov]

The 777 does make a good freighter.:E

The Don

[donpizmeov]

SI,

Are you trying out to be management? Arguing with arrogance, from a position of ignorance. What a display of Belligerence!:E

The Lav thing has been in the OMA for years. The recent FCIs at first removed one section, and then, after feedback from the line, another FCI returned things to the way they were.

The Don

[givemewings]

We even get to make our own coffee http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/badteeth.gif

My idea of a dream pilot! ;) :ok:

To be fair I am ****e at making coffee so I leave it to someone else, for your own good of course :}

[donpizmeov]

SI,

There is nothing you have said that is worth refuting. I explained the "why" of the FCIs. The wording is still the same as its always been. Nothing has changed. If you were on the fleet (or got bored and read the OMA) you would know that. I am very sorry that you feel so upset about these FCIs. Time for a holiday perhaps?
Why was the fantastic 777 pilot rest not used? Why was it moved down the back? 18" of floor space and 600lbs of weight if I remember correctly. The 380 CRC is just as crap as all the others that are down the back.

I suggest you take a bex, have a cuppa tea and have a little lie down.

The Don

[Capt. Flamingo]

Rumor has it that some new 777s will be arriving with the pilot bunks in the front. Apparently an airline dropped a large order so EK will take those airplanes, and it was too expensive to move the bunks to the back (since the airplanes are already with the original config).

Anyone believes that? facts? bs?

Merry Xmas

[donpizmeov]

It would be nice if its true Capt F.

[donpizmeov]

SI,

I don't think I have been contradictory at all. I did state the CRC was as crap as any other down the back of the aircraft and explained the FCI. The rest of your post are quotes from others.

That Bex didn't seem to help much

the Don

[rodney rude]

SITTINGIDLY vs EX 380 and THE DON

Hi, my name is Rodney. I live a long way from the Middle East and have no affiliation with Emirates at all except for one flight with them once that didn't really impress me.

I am bit of a scholar, I am articulate and I think as a wordsmith. I have no first hand knowledge of Emirate's inflight defecation policy nor of said changes to said policy.

But as an independent viewer, and just taking the arguments of these three fellows on face value, I can tell you I would prefer to poo with 380 and Don any day. Sitting idly can just sit idly all on his own.

From a cubicle near you.
Rod

[donpizmeov]

No one has defended anything. We were just explaining that your toilet outrage was just a few years too late, AS NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Your paranoia did the rest.

The Don

[donpizmeov]

So its paranoia and lack of reading comprehension. Explains why the Bex didn't work.
Now be a good chap and please show where I have defended anything here? Please don't quote what others have written again and try attributing it to me as you did before.


The don

[donpizmeov]

Sorry pal, I have not deleted any posts from this thread. Unlike your efforts when it comes to investing in gold or silver, or when talking about the good old U S of A. In fact it is good to see you have not edited the last few posts here, However you did in the one on new years eve when having a go at me...intestinal problem perhaps? If you check, your "quotes" are actually from other posters, and these are still showing here, unlike some of your fine words.
It was a very sad day when you left the airbus fold. Really...I mean it.

the Don

Sorry for the thread drift fellas.

[Praise Jebus]

This is funny, really it is...

Mr Sitting, your post #49 appears to attribute the first two quotes to Mr Don, they were however made by a Mr ex380 in his post # 25. Its ok, no need to thank me...just move on.