Banter? or just leg pulling?

[denachtenmai]

Just re-reading Jerry Pook's "Flying Freestyle" and came across the time he was on 208 in Bahrain.
He asks where someone was and the reply was "He's on the roof with a rat in his mouth singing "Death to Mussolini".
This got me thinking about some of the replies that were current when I was in i.e "Have you got a...... answered by "No, but I've got an autographed picture of the Queen doing a BF on a Spitfire! or "No, but I've got a sharp piece of string in F flat". Childish maybe, but we thought we were funny.
Any others out there?
Regards, Den.

[Courtney Mil]

"He went mad so we shot him."

[Courtney Mil]

During a carpeting.

"Sir, can I be in trouble for what I think?"

"No."

"Good, because I think you're a $&£*"

[NutLoose]

No, but I've got a granny in the Gurkas

Or

Pass

[NutLoose]

You obviously think your talking to someone who gives a flying sh*t.

[Geehovah]

F*** *** you red-nosed clown

A German diplomatic spokesman on 56(F) Squadron in the 70s

[Craven Moorhed]

Infamous F3 pilot being arrested at Cranwell by RAFP Sgt, who was reading him his rights 'everything you say will be written down & read to Stn Cdr on Monday morning Sir'

F3 mate replies -
"stop hitting me copper!!"

Brilliant.....

[5aday]

Falcon 109

Bless you and the horse you rode in on.

Not

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

"Here's 10p" (....so you can phone someone who gives a sh!t)

FURNC "Fernk" (Geehovah's is so common in the military Adventure Training world that it's just an acronym)

"4" (bollockings by the AOC were so common on one squadron I was on that anyone returning from one just gave it a mark out of 10 when they returned to the crewroom)

[Wander00]

OC PSF and OC Accts being Monday morning briefed by OCPMS - yet another barrage of tasks to be completed in an impossible timescale - "Only one problem, Boss", starts OC PSF, "The batteries are flat". I coiuld not believe OC PMS's next question. "Which batteries?".

Inevitable reply "The ones in my magic wand". Inevitable explosion and yet another meeting without coffee for OC PSF.

[RedhillPhil]

"You're confusing me with someone who cares"

My last day, my very last hour with a certain international rail operator. Bloke gets off a train and whines about something so trivial and petty that it's an insult. (The train had stopped about twenty feet shorter on the platform than usual meaning that the door on the coach he was in didn't quite match up with the down escalater. The poor dear had to walk a bit.)
I listened, considered then said
"You know what, I don't give a f***".
The look on his face was priceless, I'd waited forty one years to say that.:E

[Pontius Navigator]

Corporal self-anointed IT expert and my deputy:

"I'm not happy about that."

Me:
"You're not paid to be happy."

Boss: 5 minutes later, his ofice.

"He wasn't very happy."

Rock on Tommy, who gave a sh1t.

[Melchett01]

Boss: "...do you think I'm running a f*****g circus here?"

Melchett: "well Sir, it's sometimes hard to tell with all the clowns"

Boss: "GET OUT!"

Melchett: cue much sniggering and point made on way out.

And during my UAS days when I suddenly found myself flying with the resident Axeman on finals and ever so slightly low and aiming short:

Instructor: "You can see the fence in front of the threshold can't you?"

Melchett: "Yes sir".

Instructor: "Well I'd rather you aimed for the runway and not the fence ... or are you trying to kill us".

Melchett: "No sir, just you".

My 'attitude' (Progress-Attitude-Technique) grades took a bit of a dip that term if I recall!

[billynospares]

Got a granny in the Gurkhas with a no shaving chit or the old fav got a Boy Scouts hat without a brim

[NutLoose]

And you can shove it where the sun don't shine

Or

Call me old fashioned, but....

Or

Sit on this and swivel ( as you give him the single digit )

[Herod]

"I had one, but the wheels fell off""

"No, but do you want to buy a battleship?"

[fantom]

What does your mother call you, Bloggs?

[ericferret]

Heard in Bond helicopters crew room in a broad Scottish accident

I dinnae gie a f**k.

Followed in a BBC estuary english accent from a guy sitting quietly in the corner.

A Bond helicopters spokesman said today, (reverting to a pseudo scottish accident)
"I dinnae gie a f**k"

The joys of working within our diverse culture

[stumpey]

PRICELESS!

Thanks folks:D

[thing]

Someone clever but useless= like a bowler hat with sleeves.

SWO doing his rounds sees a slovenly airman some distance off.

'AIRMAN' shouts the SWO.

'SWO' shouts the airman and runs like buggery.

At a well known F4 base in the mid 70's I had the habit of ansering the line phone with 'Dogdyke pig farm, head pig speaking'.

Of course one day I had the two second silence and then 'This is OC Admin speaking, who is this?' To which I had the presence of mind to say 'I've just f....... told you, the head pig.' and quietly put the phone down followed by a rapid exit.

Investigations revealed nothing. We were a tight knit bunch.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Random phone answering was a sport on any fighter base, certainly during the Cold War.
Favourites I have heard include:

"German High Command. Countries invaded, Poland our speciality"

"Sharp End. Duty Point speaking"

"Who do you need killing now?" (in bored parent-to-teenager voice)

"Already done it, do keep up" with the phone immediately replaced.

"Fg Off Bloggs' Social Secretary. To whom am I speaking?" especially if Fg Off Bloggs had just had 3 calls in the last hour.

Also common was answering the phone pretending to be someone else in the crewroom. This could backfire. I was once handed the phone with the instruction.
"Pretend you are me. It's the Staish on the phone wanting to speak to me, and I've just answered pretending I'm someone else!"

..and especially if you were right next to the phone and answered it halfway through the first ring.

"xxx Squadron, sorry to keep you waiting."

[si.]

I recall having a 'mono-directional frank exchange of views' with one of my junior officers once, when he interupted, "Sorry, I was miles away there, you were saying......" I can laugh about it now, but the sense of humour by-pass opened wide at the time....

Then there was my annual appraisal by the Wing Co, as a junior squadron officer, which read. "Flg Off McGhie blah blah blah....... As for leadership, I wouldn't follow this officer out of idle curiosity. Blah blah blah...... In short, I wouldn't recommend this officer for further promotion, and suggest any future pay rise becomes effective when he does....." Oh how I laughed when first shown this....:rolleyes: Shortly before being informed I had been promoted and posted to another unit, and the 'apprasial' had been hatched by a few staff officers, in the bar the night before.....

[AGS Man]

A famous line attributed to Batchy Atcherly went something like this.
Driver: Good Morning Sir
Atcherly: All I require from you Airman is a salute, not a weather report!

[denachtenmai]

"No, but do you want to buy a battleship?"


This brings back memories of when we lived in 8 man rooms.
Anyone who was asleep when the squadron revellers returned from a bash was fair game, poking them till they woke up and saying " do you want to buy a battleship?" the conversation (if you could call it that) depended on who it was in bed!
If he was game, then the reply was "what colour" this then went on via "grey" to "how many guns?" "how many cooks", you get the drift until one participant gave in.
If the sleeping person was, shall we say, lacking in humour, then any number of outcomes was likely, including being thumped!
Regards, Den.

[NutLoose]

Random phone answering was a sport on any fighter base, certainly during the Cold War.

Others were

Stonehenge, Chief Druid speaking

Battersea dogs home, how may I help you.

[CoffmanStarter]

Battersea dogs home, how may I help you.

Also ... Battersea dogs home, Chief K9 speaking. :ok:

[BEagle]

This is a tale I once heard which, if it isn't true, really ought to be:

One Happy Hour at an RAFG aerodrome the phone rang. "SDO please"...

Now, Germany is 1 hr ahead of the UK and the beer had been flowing for a while....

"SDO speaking"
"This is Air Chief Marshal (XXX) at the MoD, I wish to speak to the Stn Cdr!"
"Is it. Is it really. Well, f**k off, Noddy!", replies the SDO, assuming it's one of his mates winding him up, then puts the phone down.

Come the Monday morning...

"Flt Lt (XXX), the Stn Cdr wishes to see you in 5 minutes...."

"Flt Lt (XXX), did you tell ACM (XXX) to do something rather rude on Friday evening?".

Having admitted his guilt, Flt Lt (XXX) is told that he must report to the MoD and apologise. So at not inconsiderable personal expense he has to make his merry way to the MoD and is directed to the ACM's outer office. Where he waits....and waits....and waits. Finally he is ushered in and stands to attention in front of the ACM, who is looking through some papers. Eventually the ACM looks up and says:

"Flt Lt (XXX)?"
"Yes, sir."
"F**k off back to Germany, Noddy!"

As the astonished Flt Lt turns to leave, the ACM announces with a grin:

"I was once a fighter pilot too!"

[CoffmanStarter]

F3WMB ...

Also heard ...

Delivered in a monosyllabic voice ...

"You have reached XXX Squadron ... Push 1 for Death and Distruction ... for all other enquiries please hold the line" :ok:

[thunderbird7]

Squawk box in students crewroom CF:

"Bzzzzzzzzzzz! Stude for a job"

Reply from sundry studes sitting around waiting to fly:

"Bzzzzzzz! He's not here"

[NutLoose]

F you and the horse you rode in on..

Clothing stores, how can I help you.... Sorry, you have the wrong number, you have got through to clothing stores, you need to phone xxxx to get XYZ squadron (clothing stores number)

Samaritans, how can I help you.

Let me show you the Golden Rivet....

[Melchett01]

This thread got me thinking and at the risk of thread drift, one of the best - possibly the best put down - I have ever heard was from my Philosophy tutor during A-levels when he commented on my end of year report:

"His presence has been more of an absence and judging be his performance in the recent examinations, I can only assume that he is saving his brain for something more important than thinking".

He may have had a point and it is amusing that it is probably the only thing I can remember verbatim from A-Levels. But equally, I have quite successfully made my way in the world without reference to the works of Aristot, Plato, Kant and the like!

[NutLoose]

It'll do a trip


Good enough for Government work.

[Ali Qadoo]

I can do it, the aeroplane can do it, so why the f*ck can't you?

And seeing that no one has answered fantom's question:

What does your mother call you, Bloggs?

Bloggs: Cuddles, sir.

[Uncle Ginsters]

Walking to lunch with a mate "Bloggs" at the large Oxonian hub when met on the footpath by the SWO:

SWO: Sideburns, Flt Lt Bloggs?

Bloggs, with no hesitation: it's not my fault Mr. Xxx, my family have genetically high ears.

[TT2]

Many years ago young Mr G who had discovered that his best mate was knobbing his girlfriend and suffering associated sense of humour failure.

'Ring ring' "What the f88k do you want?"
"Do you know who I am?"
"Nope"
"Your attitude will bring repercussions young man"
"Is repercussions some sort of French food? Anyway, f88k off"
(The phone system was on tannoy).

Many questions asked and the guilty never dubbed in.:ok:

[CoffmanStarter]

A story once told to me by a certain Pete Stone (sadly no longer with us) when he was a F/O on Lightnings... I had known him since Air Cadet days ... I suspect it was he that was involved ... :}

Day of the AOC 's inspection ... a young P/O makes a quick dash to the mess for a "cronk". Owing to the urgency of the situation the said P/O promptly enters Trap 6 without completing pre-flight checks ... business done ... the P/O let's out expletives at the lack of loo paper. An authoritative voice from Trap 1 shouts "in coming" upon which an airborne loo roll arrives in the P/O's lap.

The P/O whilst washing his hands hears the bolt slide open on Trap 1 ... out steps the AOC in all his finery wearing a big smile !

Best ...

Coff.

[jayteeto]

230 Sqn in the 90's. Fg Off ***** in Crewroom....... Anyone know the number for clothing stores? Jayteeto: Yes 7200
Dials number, answered, "Station Commander"
Fg Off ***** looks and me and shouts "Bast**rd!! Sorry, no, not you Sir"

[Tashengurt]

"War office. Wanna fight?"

[Wizzard]

Ring ring!

"Dr Barnardo's - duty B@st@rd"

[Krystal n chips]

Gutersloh...431 M.U....J/T Bloggs gets called to take a phone call. " for the M.U".... so we all go...Bloggs, just ahead of the pack fails to notice a very rare event...the most rancid piece of malignant humanity I ever encountered in the RAF in the form of our Flt. Sgt making a trip out from Bruggen.

Bloggs, blissfully unware, proceeds to do a less than credible Irish accent impression answering in the name of said F/S...and adding his own opinion as to the intellect/ personality / family history / sexual activities etc of said F/S by way of clarification.

The room went very quiet....briefly. We watched.... from a distance.

Unfortunate timing as they say.

[ACW599]

"RAF (insert name) sperm bank, duty w*nker speaking"

[NutLoose]

Out of two, I'd give it one..

[Rosevidney1]

"Hellooo, this is the Doctor Pringle Home for Wayward Girls, how can I best help you?" (Delivered with a bogus Scottish accent.)

[Samuel]

There was once an RNZAF Station Commander, a Gp Capt Doug St George, who had the habit of ringing various sections and announcing "George here, can I speak to ...", to which the usual reply was "Gidday mate, howyergoin?"

[alisoncc]

The "xxx" residence, Head Butler speaking.

[Range Rat]

Submarine Pen. Duty Submarine. Is that U-Boat?

[Range Rat]

Battersea Dog's Home. Duty Dog. WOOF!
Leeds Murder Squad. Who do you want Killing? Very 70's

[Range Rat]

War Department. Want a Fight?
Promise I'll stop.Getting coat now!!!

[taxydual]

At a certain 11 Group station in the 90's the Staish had a 'distinctive' accent. I had his voice off to a tee.

0430 (having taken drink) I rang the WOC Air Ops Desk.

"Wing Ops, SAC xxxxxxxx"

"Station Commander here, xxxxxxx"

"Morning Sir"

"Exercise Mineval, execute the Station Recall"

He did, without the return check call.

Boy, did I sober up quickly. After all these years I can 'fess up. Whoops.

[Rigga]

208Sqn, Honington, when fitting Nuke Fairings (in a hurry) to Buccs:
"We've got more than 10% of the screws in - so that'll do a trip"

..and yes, we used that phrase much more often too:)

Others I remember...

T1ts on a fish;
Chocolate Fireguard;
Rocking horse Sh1t;
Yaksh1t;
Chicken sh1t farms;

Stn Farm - Duty Pig
Stn Kennels - Duty Dog
Stn Cesspit - Duty Sh1t

Don't call me Shirley
Don't call me "Would I" Big-nose!
More tea? Vicar.
B.O.F.T.
Baby's Heads

Engines, Chief...waiting for a Bowser.


...give me another fiver minutes and I'll have some more...perhaps.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

and, as Rigga well knows

"Not me Chief, I'm airframes!"


used that one meself - airframes, driver, for the use of

[dagowly]

SWO on warpath, finds Fg Off Bloggs walking around camp in uniform not up to unrealistic standard, rests the end of his pace stick into JO's chest

SWO - "Fg Off Bloggs, there's a piece of Sh1t at the end of my stick'

Bloggs - "Not my end SWO"

A fast pacing JO exits stage left.

[chiglet]

City Morgue....duty corpse speaking
RAF Patrington.Diversion cell mid 1960s....
Binbook phone rings,
Me,[SAC] Hellooo,this is Jiiimmmy Young
Reply, Good morning, Wing Cdr Flying here...

[zedder]

At a well known F4 base in the mid 70's I had the habit of ansering the line phone with 'Dogdyke pig farm, head pig speaking'.

Of course one day I had the two second silence and then 'This is OC Admin speaking, who is this?' To which I had the presence of mind to say 'I've just f....... told you, the head pig.' and quietly put the phone down followed by a rapid exit.

Investigations revealed nothing. We were a tight knit bunch.

Surely you mean nobody squealed.

[sittingstress]

Ring Ring

"WRAF Block, duty screw speaking"

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Once was involved in a fake medical procedure wind-up. The victim, Fg Off Bloggs, received a letter apparently from the RAF Chief Medical Officer, but didn't believe a word of it so phoned the number on the letter (which was genuine).
The CMO said "I send out a lot of letters, I'll check. Which Unit are you on?"

Ten seconds later the ops room phone rang
CMO "Is this a wind-up? What's the score?"

Thirty seconds later, crewroom phone rang
"Fg Off Bloggs? CMO here. This is a very important test, and I don't take kindly to having Fg Offs wasting my time with checks"

Top Notch VSO:D
Wind-Up continued to a most successful and embarrassing conclusion:E

[AR1]

On the phone 'Do you have any idea who you're talking to'?
No..
Well F*** Off then.. click.

Or whilst on overnight duty airman at St Mawgan..
Me: Hello is that JT T****L?
JT (sleepy): Ummmm Yes..
Me: Good Morning - it's 2 hours before your early morning call.

Or whenever anyone you know was on orderly dog and had to make a broadcast quickly dialing 252 to see if he'd remembered to take the phone off the hook...:)

[sitigeltfel]

Overheard one morning at a certain ATC tower where the SATCO was a S/L Dear and the watch corporal had the surname 'Darling.'

"Good morning Darling"

"Good morning Dear"

...but only once :ouch:

[Ivor Fynn]

Bruggen about 1992 ish, the station tannoy crackled into life one monday morning for the weekly test.

"standby for a test of the station tannoy,,, 1,2,4,3,5 - 5,4,2,3,1 - tannoy unserviceable - end of test"

I believe the prankster had a chat in his No 1 with hat.

Ivor

[Juan Smore]

No, but I've got a granny in the Wrens excused marching into wind.

[PTR 175]

I used to work with a SNCO who took great delight in saying the following:

"I should stick my D#ck in your ear and F### some sense into you".

Normally aimed at somebody who had done something stupid.

[Molemot]

I've always found "Why don't you go and stick your nose up a dead bear's bum?" to be quite effective. Some people haven't spoken to me in years...

[Wallah]

Short of actual help, what can I do for you?

[A2QFI]

One of our many Sqn Ldrs was deskbound due to a slipped disc and excused flying. At various intervals during the day people using different voices rang his office asking a a (non-existent) Fg Off Maloney. The Sqn Ldr, being polite and efficient, said not but offered to take a message. At 1655 he was rung by a pretend Fg Off Maloney who asked if there had been any calls/messages for him!

[diginagain]

Having handed-over to my relief on completing my very last shift as Ops Watchkeeper at the Joint Air Tasking & Operations Cell at HQNI, the phone rang before I could get to the door. As my oppo hadn't quite woken-up completely I answered with;

"JATOC, good morning. We've mini-choppers, hoppa-choppers, choppers with guns, some that are tits-on-sticks in the shed, and a big chopper that runs this joint."

"Sgt O, this is Flt Lt B*******. As the bloke who 'runs this joint' I just thought I'd call to wish you well in civilian life."

[Hydromet]

A colleague was starting duty at a new location on his birthday, which happened to be the same as mine. I organised for all the females in our office to ring his new location early in the morning, and leave lovey-dovey happy birthday messages for him with the switchboard.
Always help a mate out by establishing his reputation ahead of him.;)