What would you write in the F700?

[t7a]

http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag139/t7a/bth_f182_zpsa4e28530.png?t=1350034682

Seat needs servicing.

[jayteeto]

Ejection seat functional test c/o - Satis

Engine shutdown lever too close to airbrake switch.

Heavy landing checks required on undercarriage

[Two's in]

Throttle/Stick sloppy link removed for access.

[5aday]

Jack up the seat and change the rest.

[Halton Brat]

Always wondered what that handle was for......

HB

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Serial: BuNo 12345

Symptom/Work Required: BuNo 12345

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

"Dunno Chief, the pilot said something about 5 cats"

[Cubanate]

Loud bang heard when departing aircraft

[NutLoose]

Defect apparent on walkround ( belatedly)

Or

I was flying along minding my own business when this bloody F18 shot past on my port side, I was lucky enough to eject in time.... What do you mean you haven't located it yet? It made me crash....

[R-A-F-Off]

I could guess the response...

No Fault Found

[Wensleydale]

Back in the 1970s, an overseas student was solo in his JP3. Unfortunately he over-rotated on takeoff and failed to get airborne, the JP coming to rest in the barrier. When the crash vehicles arrived at the scene, there was no sign of the pilot.... A search ensued, and about 30 minutes later the student was discovered, leg restraints still on, sitting in the Mess anti-room, reading a newspaper.

He denied everything. "Not me man - I been here all the time reading the paper". When showed the F700 with his signature he insisted that it must be a forgery. Eventually he admitted that he had, indeed, been the pilot but it was not his fault. The aircraft could not have stalled on take-off because he hadn't done any HASELL checks.......

[TT2]

It was a big boy done it and run away?

[Rocket2]

Pilot - aircraft interface failed

[Sky Sports]

Never, ever light your farts in the cockpit.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Wensleydale, I remember that story from BFTS, and ever afterwards deliberately signed my name differently every time when taking a jet. When I picked up new F3's from the factory and discovered that it was me signing for it, not me on behalf of the RAF, I signed with my other hand!

[Saintsman]

I seem to recall F700 entries were only made on a Friday afternoon.

Oh, it is Friday afternoon...

[CoffmanStarter]

Compass Swing needed :}

[ShyTorque]

What would you write in the F700?

Just one word:

Oops! :O

[sisemen]

Dents on airframe need removing.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

My favourite F700 story (forgive me if you've heard it before)
Reporting to the Chief in the sign in/out hut.

"Radar failed after 20 mins, CSAS reset required on taxi-in, and the left engine's well f#cked."

"You can't put 'well f#cked' in the F700, Sir, you pilots really are hopeless sometimes. I'll get the Engines Sergeant"

Engines Sergeant appears & asks for details. I glance down at my kneepad as, having a degree including jet engine design & operation, I have scribbled the parameters

"FL300, M1.2, OAT -35, selected full reheat, nozzle failed to ENC......(continues in same vein for a minute)"

Engines Sergeant turns to Chief and says
"Ooh, that's well f#cked!"

Give him his due, the Chief (fairy) apologised for not knowing 'well f#cked' was a technical term for engines.

[NutLoose]

#16 (permalink)
Fox3WheresMyBanana
Wensleydale, I remember that story from BFTS, and ever afterwards deliberately signed my name differently every time when taking a jet. When I picked up new F3's from the factory and discovered that it was me signing for it, not me on behalf of the RAF, I signed with my other hand!


We had a Engine Chief at Brize telling us one night he had two Signatures, one for his real life, and one for the RAF, he then went on to tell us that everything he had ever signed for in the RAF he had signed with the name Rastus.... No kidding, Rastus. We checked the 700 and sure enough and plain to read was the word Rastus, he said no one had ever noticed or picked it up on it lol, and had done it his whole career.

[Courtney Mil]

Airframe integrity compromised, neccesitating airframe jettison. Remaining components serviceable, but subsequent landing was heavy.

[Rosevidney1]

Slight finger trouble. Sorry. Will do better next time.

[Courtney Mil]

NEVER confess to finger trouble in a F700 unless you want to spend the night helping to fix the result!

[modtinbasher]

Why were all those lead blocks still in the seat pan?

[charliegolf]

'Seat Armed' warning light u/s.

[ACW599]

Cracks to be stop drilled.

[ericferret]

660 sqdn Long Kesh 1976

Young very new officer pilot arrives in the line office to put yet another flying defect (part of a long series all requiring airtest work and not one requiring adjustments) in the 700.

The unsmiling line sergeant A G watches the line going in to the 700 without a word.

Officer departs, a smile crosses A G's face as he notices the entry has been made on a virgin 700 page. Carefully removing the page he screws it into a ball hurls it towards the bin and sinks it in one.

Puts yet another virgin page in the book and fills in the header details all without a word being said.

My hero!!!

[garyscott]

Skysports wrote - "Never, ever light your farts in the cockpit."

. . . . Or wear a thong if you absolutely have to . . . .

[OafOrfUxAche]

"I had to get out because the nav stuck his light sabre up my ass"

[L J R]

I was running late for my weekly friday afternoon bollocking, and the landing gear wouldn't extend.

[oxenos]

What would you write in the F700?

DPCO

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Tie please!

[si.]

Elevator trim indication U/S. Requiring frequent visual inspections......

[India Four Two]

Tie please!F3WMB,

What he actually said is even better ;)

"I feel extremely lucky considering the magnitude of the accident — Martin Baker is my new best friend!" said Capt. Brian Bews, 36, in his first public statement since Friday's crash in Lethbridge, Alta.


http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c309/india42/cgy-lethbridge-crash-cp-9097444.jpg

[Pontius]

Some f@*ker's f@*ked the f@*king f@*ker 'cos the f@*king f@*ker's f@*ked.

[brakedwell]

Ejector Seat air tested and found comfortable.

[NutLoose]

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c309/india42/cgy-lethbridge-crash-cp-9097444.jpg

Ohh **** this is going to be embarrassing, there goes my flying suit and I'm wearing a pair of my missus tights as the LJ's were in the wash..

30 23 05 is that all I scored, I thought it was better than that..

[Moi/]

"F700 no longer required. Remove sticker from front cover and return to docs cell. All remaining paperwork to be destroyed."

[Circuit Clear]

Following on from said overseas student, he must have had a cousin/brother/uncle that went through ATC training. The story went along similar lines...stude in ATC simulator undergoing first live Tower control position.
Callsign, " S42 request join"
TWR, S42 Clear join RW 26, QFE 1016 circuit clear"
S42 duly repeats joining clearance.
Intructor interrupts with, " S42 the QFE is 1005"
S42, roger.
Tower instructor tells Stude to look at the weather board where the QFE is written in red chinograph as 1005.
Stude, in abject indifference pulls his folder out and opens it at the first page of classroom tower instructions where it gives examples of phraseology...
There in black and white was, "Clear join RW26, QFE 1016"
"See Man, the QFE is 1016"
Stude duly taken back to classroom to explain that pressure differs and check the pass rate in his meteorology exam!!

[NutLoose]

The first oversees students I encountered were at RAF St Athans and were Nigerian trainee PTI's, we walked into the Gym to see all these guys being taught how to throw the Javelin, and they looked like they could have taught us a thing or two about it.

[Rosevidney1]

In my day all technical logs and documents were 'siezed' and put in a safe to await the BoE. I assume that is still the case and the original post was made in a jocular manner for the amusement of the membership.

[Rigga]

Interference removed - satis.

[Wensleydale]

The overseas students gave us hours of entertainment - anyone remember "Bird sh*t" at Linton in 1977/8?

I also heard of an overseas fighter control student (same nationality) who split his Canberras for an intercept, only for one of his aircraft to fly off the edge of his screen. He imediately moved to the next console to wait for it to re-appear......

[flap15]

Turns over, won't start.

[Skeleton]

Whining noise noted from cockpit... removed pilot.... now Serviceable.

[vernon99]

Aircrew reported seat cushion too hard - seat cushion removed.

[Wander00]

On the other hand, ISTR the most frequent "response" to an unservicability logged in F700 was "Ground Tested Found Serviceable -probably abbreviated to GTFS

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

and pilots know that NFF does not really stand for "No Fault Found", but "Not F#cking Fixed"

[TT2]

Used to have to fly into Perth (Jocklish version) in the early 80's. If Cleggy is still around he'll no doubt recount this in better fashion than me : About 20 Nigerians in the circuit and we whizz in and land. Air Tragic : G-&&&& if you choose to extend downwind any further, turn left at the North Sea.

"Da' wot?".

Howling we were - had to have a cup of tea before restart.

[Madbob]

My first experience of overseas students was at OCTU in 1979. The Omani stude on my flight was great but there were a couple of Nigerians who were on another flight who were quite different.

The Omani (Yousef) was destined to be a Omani Rock-Ape of whatever was the eqivalent to the RAF Regt in SOAF (as it was at the time). He was a real asset to the flight. The Nigerians were supposed to go GDP and go on to BFT in the UK. One amusing incident was when the flight lead of a GDT exercise ordered his flight to go into "all round defense" to the bewildered Nigerian then asked "where de fence, I doan see de fence".....Rest of flight fall about laughing, including DS Flt Lt.

Later at Linton, we were joind by two Sudanese students, Sam & Gassim. They were a total liability and the QFI's told stories of some quite hair-raising stories such as the studes closing the throttle and not letting go of the controls when the ac was about to fall out the sky on final even when the QFI told them "I have control".....thankfully with side-by-side seating in the JP the QFI could literally force control.

In a spinning exercise when the QFI (GR - a creamie QFI) put the ac in a spin and told the stude to recover Gassim let go of the controls completely supposedly leaving Allah (he was a Muslim) to do so. Several rotations later G*** recovers and decides to RTB. Both were chopped soon after and I don't know what their government did with them - they may have ended up at Kidlington!

I do remember the over-rotation crash at Linton which happened just before I got there. Wrong side of the drag curve in a JP3. The same happened to the T33 at Duxford ISTR.


MB

[Fortissimo]

I am reminded of the F700 entry for a 43 Sqn FG1 that got slightly bent in the late 70s after a Canadian break that went squirly:

"Scanner stuck on impact."

[exgroundcrew]

Pilot entry:
G4B compass missing
Ground crew entry:
G4B night vision cover raised, compass found, no action necessary, pilot is nuts.

Crew Chief used indian ink to blank out last three words (90 Sqdn about 1963)

[woptb]

Overpaid,overweight,over 'ere flt crew removed from cockpit, data link with UAV GCS established - defect no longer apparent.

[goudie]

F700 entry, Canberra Sqdn Akrotiri... so legend has it!
'Nasty smell in cockpit'
'Nasty smell removed, nice smell fitted'