Stupid Comments & Service Wind-Ups

[dc1968]

Standard for any British military crew room the world over is the silly comments book. Little 'gems' such as:

Sgt to Airman:
'Hey...I hear you had a little 'accident' whilst driving back to camp at the weekend?'

Airman:
'Yeah Sarge...but I would have been just fine if that bloke hadn't rammed me up my arse in my car yesterday!':eek:

and...

'Hey...what are those two legged tripod things doing over there in that flowerbed?':confused:

or...

'Chief...Are you sure it's just the one lot of 'fallopian tubing' you want me to pick-up from over at the Med Centre?':ugh:


You get the idea...all contributions are very welcome.

[crystal10]

Oh no:sad:, stand by for the usual suspects trotting out their "you really needed to be there to find it remotely funny" stories.

I wonder how many people will claim the same story.

[Laarbruch72]

I'll have a tenner on someone claiming to be involved in the whole SWO / "There's a piece of **** on the end of this stick" / "Not at this end sir" lie-a-thon story before midnight please.

[sidewayspeak]

I was on parade once sometime and the SWO came up to my mate standing next to me and stuff.

SWO goes like "What's that piece of **** at the end of my pace stick?"

My mate was like "Not at this end sir"

I was laughing cos it woz well bad......

[Airborne Aircrew]

Bollards... That wuz me... Innit...

[Kreuger flap]

That SWO story wasn't even remotely funny.

This will make you laugh though.

I once sent my mate to stores to get some tartan paint. Not only did he come back with the paint but he also managed to wangle a left handed screwdriver from them as well. Result!!!!!!!:ok:
But, on the way back he ran into the SWO from the last story who had just attended a parade and the SWO asked my mate if his hair was hurting. "No it doesn't Mr SWO" my mate said. "Well it jolly well should because I am standing on it" said the SWO to my mate. He had to go and get a haircut. I have to say it was looking a bit long and his side burns were below the level that the regulations allow so I guess the SWO did have a point.

I was in stitches as it was really funny.

[NutLoose]

Haircuts are his standard get out clause, pulling me over in Gut for wearing a combat jacket with blues i was informed they were only to be worn on detachment...... but the I AM on detachment response simply followed with get your hair cut....

[Pontius Navigator]

KF,

However this one is true:

Boss sidles up to copilot and slips him half a crown.

Puzzled -"What's that for Boss?"

"Well you are obviously a bit short and can't afford a haircut."

The Boss in question was the late Phil Largeson.

OTOH, 'nother Boss.

Copilot standing fag in hand turns round to find Boss, on knees, dragging a light from copilots fag.

For our cousins, I am talking about cigarettes.

[Kreuger flap]

So let me get this straight. The Boss gave one of his men some money to get a haircut and then got a light from him?

I guess you had to be there.


http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/2/Tumbleweed.gif

[TheWizard]

Oh no:sad:, stand by for the usual suspects trotting out their "you really needed to be there to find it remotely funny" stories.

I wonder how many people will claim the same story.

To be fair it took 6 posts before that happened!! :rolleyes:

[NutLoose]

Sitting in a trench on Salisbury Pain awaiting the War to kick off, book running on what time the war will start, most having chosen stand too time slots being the favourite, but one person stands alone at 2 30am... sure enough the world goes crazy dead on 2:30 as the dawn chorus lights up the sky, but no intruders found..... Upon collecting the pot, debrief as to nights events find all the shooting was initiated by the winner, everyone else simply joining in!

[Courtney Mil]

My Dad in the Officers' Mess Bar telling a joke about a navigator. Stn Cdr stopped him and said, "I should point out to you that I'm a navigator." Don't worry, Sir, I'll tell it slowly."

That really was my Dad. He was really funny. It's true. Oh, yes. Hmm Hmm.

[LowObservable]

All right. Stop that. Now, I may enjoy a good laugh as much as the next person. Then again, my mother enjoys a good laugh much more than i do. As does my father.

Come to think of it, almost everyone enjoys a good laugh more than I do.

Anyway, I might enjoy a good laugh but these comments are getting entirely too silly. Now get back on to the topic before we start getting too silly again. So get on with it. GET ON WITH IT!!

[Mach Two]

Yeah, but MY Dad was walking through town one Saturday and needed change. He spotted an airman across the street so went and ask him if he could change a 10 shilling note. Airman, very kindly said,

"Yeah, hang on, mate".

"MATE? You must call me Sir. No shall we try that again, Airman?"

"OK, Sir"

"Good. Now, can you change a 10 shilling note, Airman?"

"No, Sir!"

That really was MY Dad. He was such an ar$e at times, my Dad. Yes indeedie!



I see what you mean, LO.

[Scuttled]

I was sat on, erm, a Nimrod C130 once, next to a SNCO - mate of mine -manning the door gun. This army Brigadier was shouting "Staff! Staff!" to get his attention.

Well, my mate was having none of it until the Brigadier was right in his face. The Brigadier asked if he was ignoring him, my mate said he didn't know it was him being called as he was a flight sergeant, right?

So the Brigadier said, "Well, if you were in the army, you'd be a staff sergeant."

And my mate said, this is brilliant, "No Sir, if I was in the army, I'd be a Colonel." We were in stitches honestly. Legend.

[OK465]

Junior officer in flight suit crossing an open area without his cover (that means hat) is approached by a Senior officer.

"Where's your hat, captain?"

"It's in my pocket, colonel."

"Why isn't it on your head, captain?"

"Because I can't get my head in my pocket, sir."

(Amazingly, the dude without the hat eventually became an astronaut and then, after retirement, a writer for Steve Coogan.)

[NutLoose]

Puma Pilot RAF Odious doing a pre flight on a Puma coming out of ASF, over an hour has gone by and this guy is doing a major on it, as he is peering up into the wheel bay for the umpteenth time the see off SAC walks up to him nonchalantly and asks... "Excuse me Sir, but are you flying it or buying it?"

[Airborne Aircrew]

Nutloose:

Finally, one that might be true... :D

[SASless]

American Officer on an exchange....seeing a crew of Engineers attempting to retorque the head on a Chinook...shouts out...."Give it a good yank!" To be told by an unseen voice...."Didn't know there was such a thing!"

[Fortissimo]

RAF Valley, late 70s, Amateur Hour TACEVAL in progress. Flt Lt Fortissimo is on control of entry duties for Ops bdg, clutching a broom handle with 'CPX RIFLE' written on it. Whole area festooned with white tape marking 'CPX (insert category of just about everything you might need in war..)'. Cue the arrival of OC Ops, a poisonous git even on a normal day.

Flt Lt F eschews normal bushy-top tree inspired shouted challenge, and opts instead for "May I see your ID please, Sir?"

PG: "Don't you know who I am?"

F: "Yes, Sir."

PG: "So why do you need to see my ID?"

F: "Been told to check everyone's ID, no exceptions, Sir"

PG: (Sneers...) "And why do you think that might be, lad?"

F: "Well, you might be an inflatable replica, Sir."

Uncontrolled explosion followed, but it was worth the 3 extra SDOs just to see the look on his face and admire the funny purple colour it went! :)

[Mach Two]

I was on an exercise once and it was really boring. I had to guard the entrance to the Ops Building, but I was really tired. So I put a sign on my forehead, sat on my chair ans went to sleep. The sign said "CPX Awake".

All my mates thought I was really funny. They all laughed.

[Chox Away]

A mate of someone I may have once known, showed his ID card to the guard dog once.

........ Honest!

[Mach Two]

That was me, that was me!!!! Honest, I just don't care, me. I'm crazy sometimes.

[Scuttled]

Oooh. Mach Two. I might know you then, because I was definitely there when that happened. Ask anyone, I've told them all.

[Maxibon]

So there I was sitting in this Guards' mess having breakfast, having spent the last 10 minutes getting locked on by a Tornado near Morpeth whilst farting around with the RAF monkey's speed detector, when I asked a Guards' officer if he could pass the salt, no reply, so I asked again and again. Finally he took his hat off and said to me "Station calling, this is the Nova Scotia lighthouse, you adjust your heading to port by 20 degrees".......etc etc:}

True story, I was there. You couldn't make it up. Ha ha ha, erm yes....

[Mach Two]

First one that's actually made any sense. Think I got all the stories in there.