I always said rail doesn't function


--------------


Goudied!

Clapham Junction was my train spotting station.
Said Goudie to an enthralled nation
I took all these pics
In Nineteen Fifty Six
I got three years, a bit less with probation





In the carriage, a young girl caught his eye

In the carriage, a young girl caught his eye
She was demure and he rather shy

Now then, do you suppose
She took off all her clothes?

In the carriage, a young girl caught his eye
She was demure and he rather shy
Now then, do you suppose
She took off all her clothes?
Goudie carried on with his pie.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
With the clothes now off her back.
Wearing an old anorak

With the clothes now off her back.
Wearing an old anorak
Goudie took out his fork
And searched for some pork

With the clothes now off her back.
Wearing an old anorak
Goudie took out his fork
And searched for some pork;
which fell: the pie was quite slack.

------------------------------------------------------
So scrabbling around on the floor.

Among the pastry he found....(tell me more !)

One condom (used)

Who's is this? - Goudie mused,
It's too large for a Ppruner, I'm sure!

=========================================

It would best suit a man of some strength,

It would best suit a man of some strength,
and of diameter, if not of great length
impregnated with zinc
and coloured light pink

I'm quite thertain the uther wath Frenth



-----------------



The council sez recycling is good

And tIt would best suit a man of some strength,
and of diameter, if not of great length
impregnated with zinc
and coloured light pink
And tasted of creme de menth
----------------------------------------

The council sez recycling is good
And will save the world, understood?

Ye mean last night's curry?
Recycled in a hurry...
Before I'd even eaten me pud...


-------------


The other diners departed en mass

The other diners departed en mass.
Told. "Go catch your own Bass."

The other diners departed en mass.
Told. "Go catch your own Bass."
But loud were the wails
"We'd rather eat snails!"
"Oh," said the chef, "How French and how crass!"



Julia and Kevin - a desperate pair

Julia and Kevin - a desperate pair
Your frustrations with them we all share

Julia and Kevin - a desperate pair.
Your frustrations with them we all share.
Thinks: this concerns Dunnunder.

Let's get back to the chunder

And crack a beer that we can all share :ok:

From London just arrived the wife
For once when dining, we had no strife
For she brought a W*itrose curry

From London just arrived the wife
For once when dining, we had no strife
For she brought a W*itrose curry
It was nought but slurry
No need for a fork or knife.
======================
She was an innocent maiden from Sydney

She was an innocent maiden from Sydney
Made preggers by a bloke, well did he?

She was an innocent maiden from Sydney
Made preggers by a bloke, well did he?
His first name was Rod,
but they called him 'Tripod',
which sounds right, she complained of sore kidneys.

A musical group from the south

Played under the name "Nil by Mouth"

A musical group from the south
Played under the name "Nil by Mouth"
Their percussion and strings
Could do wonderful things

But their muthic ith not really 'Houth'.

=========================

And I much prefer loud 'Drum & Base'.

Of the sort that can rattle your face
As your fillings vibrate
At a furious rate

And I much prefer loud 'Drum & Base'.
Of the sort that can rattle your face
As your fillings vibrate
At a furious rate
Your mercury keeps pace.
------------------------------

Boom Boom Bang Bang Boom,

Boom Boom Bang Bang Boom,
I smell the snatch of English womb.
I'll fcuk that wench just like a whore
And when my cum drips on the floor
She'll sweep it all up with her broom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will it have, Slash, a life of it's own ?
Will it writhe there and crawl and let moan ?

Or will it just lie inert

With an expression of hurt

Will it have, Slash, a life of it's own ?
Will it writhe there and crawl and let moan ?
Or will it just lie inert
With an expression of hurt
Well, that's certainly set the tone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of sound, I hear moaning

Tis nothing at all - the wife's just groaning.
I awoke with a fat
So I took out me bat
And now she's receiving a boning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Aussies are like the Saffers,
They have Abos, Saffers have K******,

The Aussies are like the Saffers,
They have Abos, Saffers have K******,
In PNG they have Oli

Round here there's just Wally

a nice guy who just likes eating Jaffas.

Well I reckon Slash gets the award
for the grossest limerick on the board

I wouldnt leave him all day,
With a meat tray,

Well I reckon Slash gets the award
for the grossest limerick on the board
I wouldnt leave him all day,
With a meat tray,
A good looking liver, he'd be aboard.
=======================
Young Portnoy did something offal

Young Portnoy did something offal
With some jam and an undercooked waffle

It was all the rage
But the waffle was underage

And it really wasn't quite lawful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Portnoy did something offal
With some jam and an undercooked waffle
A picture you paint
Of this chap's complaint

There was nothing I could do but ROFL*


M'lud, I am given to understand that ROFL is a young person's shorthand for "roll on the floor laughing"



I'm off to get my breakfast at Cherries



Great little cafe in Croydon - bit of cross country walking down towards Reigate and hopefully catch up with England/Wales in a pub somewhere this afternoon.

I'm off to get my breakfast at Cherries
'Cos their lovely fry-ups never varies




With a newish England team the Welsh are in with a chance

I'm off to get my breakfast at Cherries
'Cos their lovely fry-ups never varies
Some lamb's fry and bacon
And if I'm not mistaken
A couple of free-range cackle-berries.
=======================
I'm afraid my cholesterol level

I'm afraid my cholesterol level
can go (with regards) to the Devil
I'll eat what I like
then work it off on my bike

I'm afraid my cholesterol level
Is something I don't wish to revel.
Shagging the wife on her back
I might cop a heart attack
Thence fcuk the wife of the Devil.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm afraid my cholesterol level
can go (with regards) to the Devil
I'll eat what I like
then work it off on my bike

I'm afraid my cholesterol level
can go (with regards) to the Devil
I'll eat what I like
then work it off on my bike
To fit in the coffin, they have me to bevel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little of what you fancy does you good
For all too soon you're screwed down in a box of wood

There's no sex in the grave

A little of what you fancy does you good
For all too soon you're screwed down in a box of wood
There's no sex in the grave
No drinking or rave.
On your top they'll soon be stood.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lucifer awaits beyond the cremator.

Lucifer awaits beyond the cremator
and he'll see us all - rather sooner than later
So stand in line
just take your time

But please don't do that with you vibrator



-----------------



We lost but England did play much better

We lost but England did play much better
Though they were unable to get a
Ball across the line
Which would have been fine

We lost but England did play much better
Though they were unable to get a
Ball across the line
Which would have been fine
But did Strettle have downward pressure?
==========================
I'll tell you what happened in the scrum

my undies went fair up my bum

The ref blew his whistle

And then stuck a thistle

and sitting in the stands was my mum

_________________________________

"Twist his balls off" she shouted with glee
I thought she was calling to me

"Twist his balls off" she shouted with glee
I thought she was calling to me
But from the old squirrel grip
He gave me the slip

"Twist his balls off" she shouted with glee
I thought she was calling to me
But from the old squirrel grip
He gave me the slip
so, no prairie oysters for tea.

There she was in her see-through attire

But I felt in my bowels, something dire,
So I said, with some wit,

There she was in her see-through attire
But I felt in my bowels, something dire,
So I said, with some wit,
as I whipped off me kit,

There she was in her see-through attire
But I felt in my bowels, something dire,
So I said, with some wit,
as I whipped off me kit,
"I hope you won't prove me a liar !"

"What's that?" she asked with a shudder

"What's that?" she asked with a shudder
and a quiver went thgrough her left udder

"What's that?" she asked with a shudder
and a quiver went thgrough her left udder
I said "Are you thick?
It's clearly my d!ck
And when I swim I use it as a rudder."
========================
She was clearly up for a night of it

She was clearly up for a night of it
and seemed like she might make a fight of it

After fifteen hard rounds,
All was heard were the sounds,

Of me trying to get a rubber to fit


--------------




It shot off and hit her in the face

And I'd not even got to first base,

Without further ado
I gave her something to chew

while her sister muttered "what a disgrace !"

_________________________________

The family was in it together

The family was in it together
Going at it 'hell for leather'

The family was in it together
Going at it 'hell for leather'
and their golden retriever
was sniffing a beaver

Said the vicar "It is pleasant weather"



-----------------



His Reverence had slept with his flock

His Reverence had slept with his flock
Which put the Bishop into deep shock

His Reverence had slept with his flock
Which put the Bishop into deep shock
He fell to his knees
And started to wheeze

His Reverence had slept with his flock
Which put the Bishop into deep shock
He fell to his knees
And started to wheeze
And ended up in the dock
----------------------------------
She said ''the only men I respect''

Are those particularly thick-necked

She said ''the only men I respect
Are the ones from whom I collect
at least two-and six
for polishing their pr*cks
And afterwards they're totally wrecked

She said ''the only men I respect''
Are those particularly thick-necked
Such as rugby league players
But they have to be stayers

She said ''the only men I respect''
Are those particularly thick-necked
Such as rugby league players
But they have to be stayers
To make sure I get properly fecked

---------------------------------------
When men are placed under severe pressures
From women who don't like half measures

I step up to the mark,

When men are placed under severe pressures
From women who don't like half measures
I step up to the mark
Just for a lark
And ask, 'Ladies, what are your pleasures?'

She claimed to come from Portugal

She claimed to come from Portugal
I said, "Well, how 'bout I sort you, gal?"

She claimed to come from Portugal
I said, "Well, how 'bout I sort you, gal?"
And that's what I did
In a pub in Madrid

She claimed to come from Portugal
I said, "Well, how 'bout I sort you, gal?"
And that's what I did
In a pub in Madrid
And the pleasure was completely mutual.
==========================
I asked if she'd like an encore
But she said "I can't, I'm so sore"

"So I can't let you linger",

now please take your finger

Stick it there if you'd like some more



----------------------



Her reputation round town was a mess

I asked if she'd like an encore
But she said "I can't, I'm so sore
"So I can't let you linger"
now please take your finger
And just tease my clitty some more."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her reputation round town was a mess
And for sucking a todge even less.
She'd squeeze and she'd bite
Giving you such a great fright

Her reputation round town was a mess
And for sucking a todge even less.
She'd squeeze and she'd bite
Giving you such a great fright,
why she did that was anyone's guess.

Perhaps it was deep-seated fears

As regards the fourth series of "Cheers",
When I go in a bar,

For a quick jar

I just know it'll all end in tears


-------------



After ten pints I slumped to the floor

As I thought, "I can't do this no more.",

After ten pints I slumped to the floor
As I thought, "I can't do this no more.",
Spewed my guts on the carpet

After ten pints I slumped to the floor
Clearly, I'd been there before.
On the carpet was a sample
of a turd, sized quite ample

After ten pints I slumped to the floor
Clearly, I'd been there before.
On the carpet was a sample
of a turd, sized quite ample
Which I rolled, with my foot, to the door.


----------------------------------------

After ten pints I slumped to the floor
As I thought, "I can't do this no more.",
Spewed my guts on the carpet
Had a sniff of her armpit,
When she slammed both my nuts in the door.

---------------------------------------

She was nude as she screwed in the Mall,

At least, that's what I'm told by my pal,
But he's plagued by short sight,

And I believe that I'm right

She wasn't a lady at all


---------------------------------------------------

The tattoo on her arse was first class,

The tattoo on her arse was first class,
With a picture of the Khyber Pass
And on her back
Was the Union Jack

The tattoo on her arse was first class,
With a picture of the Khyber Pass
And on her back
Was the Union Jack
Use of colour quite sparse.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Driven mad by a continuous itch.

I screamed "can't you scratch it, you bitch ?"

She yelled "not on yer nelly"

You've got spots on your belly !"

Driven mad by a continuous itch.
I screamed "can't you scratch it, you bitch ?"
She yelled "not on yer nelly"
You've got spots on your belly !"
"And your bollix are starting to twitch!"
========================
She could do marv'lous things with her breasts

Whilst wearing alluring string vests
A series of ripples

Would invert both her nipples
Then she buried them deep in her chest

------------------------------------------


A lady called Myxa Matosia
Drank a brew of the strongest ambrosia.
then with language quite blunt

A lady called Myxa Matosia
Drank a brew of the strongest ambrosia.
then with language quite blunt
cleared the sea front
and fought the MONSTER; with blows yer
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh dear it came from the deep.

Oh dear it came from the deep
quite pissed off from a thousand year sleep

Its dick had all withered
So off it has slithered
In a crestfallen disinterested heap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I asked her if it could be revived

Breathe in new life, as once it had thrived

If you swallow a bin full,
Of Tadalafil,
A nob in could be contrived.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

They ain't cured the problem yet
The solution probably belongs with a vet

They ain't cured the problem yet
The solution probably belongs with a vet
Who would shave off the fur
See if it's a "him" or a "her"

To see if he won/lost his bet


---------------


Page 2, oh my dear, the disgrace...

Page 2, oh my dear, the disgrace...
A calamity and such loss of face
Five lines minimum per day
If one wants to play

Page 2, oh my dear, the disgrace...
A calamity and such loss of face
Five lines minimum per day
If one wants to play
Don't run if yer can't stand the pace



Better lim'ricks than classical stanzas
Better a ditty than a song of Lanza's

Better lim'ricks than classical stanzas
Better a ditty than a song of Lanza's
Better a verse
About a wet-nurse
With an ar*se like an old Tiger Panzer

________________________________

I must say Tread's output is prolific
A performance nothing less than terrific

Ah but Goudie's the best

I must say Tread's output is prolific
A performance nothing less than terrific
Ah but Goudie's the best,
he limericks with zest
some would say he's beatific.

St. Goudie of the holy verse

St. Goudie of the holy verse
Ask for him when he's seen Nurse

St. Goudie of the holy verse
Ask for him when he's seen Nurse
She'll be treating his affliction,
His rhyming addiction

St. Goudie of the holy verse
Ask for him when he's seen Nurse
She'll be treating his affliction,
His rhyming addiction
and say Hydromet is much worse.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Under a bright red sky.

The Martian was giving it a try,
The anal probe
In the blonde earthlings ear lobe
Just made her rush off to the sales and buy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well Earthling I have to concur "
" I can't poke any sense into her"
"What can they be used for?"
On Mars they'd carpet the floor"

Which might be a bit of a slur


-----------------


"Up me beam, Scotty" said Kirk

"Up me beam, Scotty" said Kirk.
Aye Captain will cost more than a Merk. (Scottish Coin)

Scotty I know that you're forrin"
But take your hand out of my sporrin"
And tell Uhura to prepare for a ferk "

"Up me beam, Scotty" said Kirk.
Aye Captain will cost more than a Merk. (Scottish Coin)
Scotty I know that you're forrin"
But take your hand out of my sporrin"
And tell Uhura to prepare for a ferk "
-----------------------------------------------------


Lets do it at waarp factor nine.

I know that won't give us much time"
But I can warm up with Spock"
With his huge Vulcan clock"

And Mr Sulu will also be mine


------------------


As they set out to boldly go forth

To a planet where men are hung like a horth,
Which believe it or not
Comes from a gag about a tw@<hidden> (http://www.dbstalk.com/showthread.php?t=32726)

and a guy with a lisp who's a 'dworth'.


"A ticket to Pittsworth," I cried

"A ticket to Pittsworth," I cried
"I'm on a promise, and won't be denied"
It's on the Downs, darling

"A ticket to Pittsworth," I cried
"I'm on a promise, and won't be denied"
It's on the Downs, darling
so I'll make like a starling
and flock off, with you by my side."

She came from the wrong side of town

Where most of the fellas bent down

So 'twas 'backs to the wall',
As I seem to recall,

tis rainy and cool Ideal for consuming home brew off me balcony Hobo We even give yer a glass

Sodomy was half a crown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its cost more than that in Twickenham

Its cost more than that in Twickenham
where their noses, they were always pickenham.

Its cost more than that in Twickenham
Where their noses, they were always pickenham
Their numerous pubs
Are fitted with tubs
So the drunk Twickenese can be sickenham

In Rome the Pope's favourite tipple
Is known round the bars as Bare Nipple

I've heard that his ilk

In Rome the Pope's favourite tipple
Is known round the bars as Bare Nipple
I've heard that his ilk
Have a 'touch of silk'

In Rome the Pope's favourite tipple
Is known round the bars as Bare Nipple
I've heard that his ilk
Have a 'touch of silk'
But it barely causes a ripple
-------------------------------------
The Squire thought up a cunning ruse

The Squire thought up a cunning ruse.
To drive off his washday blues.

The Squire thought up a cunning ruse.
To drive off his washday blues.
Just for a laugh
He'd wash his smalls in the bath
And indulge in some self-abuse
---------------------------------
But the maid espied what he was doin'
And threatened him with ill-fame and ruin

But the maid espied what he was doin'
And threatened him with ill-fame and ruin
Said she, "I'll reveal,

But the maid espied what he was doin'
And threatened him with ill-fame and ruin
Said she, "I'll reveal,
That you grabbed a quick feel
And then indulged in some screwin'"
======================
He invited her into the jacuzzi

He had heard she was a loose floozie,
Now don't think your stunts"
In the Twickenham punts"

Were just cos you was a bit boozey


-------------


"It were the booze wot dun it" he claimed

As his parts looked decidedly maimed,
They were black, charred, and singed,

Oh my God, how he whinged

'Cos his urges had been decidedly tamed

------------------------------------------------
There once was a geezer called nobby
Who practised a very strange hobby

He built gliders of lead,

In an old shed

And launched them straight down from his lobby

________________________________________

The flaps were affixed to degrees twenty

Which seemed at first glance to be just plenty

The flaps were affixed to degrees twenty
Which seemed at first glance to be just plenty
Boss you'll need more than wipers
Cockpit diapers:
'FO: runway we have plenty'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She asked have you paid for the parking?
I said Madam you must be barking.

When I jump off that cliff

She asked have you paid for the parking?
I said Madam you must be barking.
When I jump off that cliff
You'll get a strong whiff

She asked have you paid for the parking?
I said Madam you must be barking.
When I jump off that cliff
You'll get a strong whiff
just before it, I'll be carking.


The glide ratio was quite heinous

The Captains approach, disingenuous
Just dangle the Dunlops
And down she flops

Digging it out of the hole was quite strenuous
--------------------------------------------
With his joystick gripped tight in her hand

With his joystick gripped tight in her hand
And her toes digging into the sand
He thought 'She's a peach
For a walk on the beach

With his joystick gripped tight in her hand
And her toes digging into the sand
He thought 'She's a peach
For a walk on the beach
And a ride in the tide would be grand.
========================
She said "Don't get sand in my bearings"

She said "Don't get sand in my bearings,
and mind you don't cause any tearings

Cos I was in quite good nick

'Til I took something thick,

I think that it was Eddie Waring's


----------------


He was giggling too much to perform

He was giggling too much to perform
Which left her feeling forlorn

He was giggling too much to perform
Which left her feeling forlorn
So she told a sad story
Which left him feeling whoary

And he found himself right on the horn.

----------------------------------

It was rigid enough to hang towels,

It was rigid enough to hang towels,
While the base plate applied stress to his bowels
So they fastened a bracket

And thus he could hack it

It was rigid enough to hang towels,
While the base plate applied stress to his bowels
So they fastened a bracket
And thus he could hack it
on the trip round to Simon Cowell's.

"That was absolute crap," Simon said

"That was absolute crap," Simon said
To a bloke who sung ''Woman In Red'

"That was absolute crap," Simon said
To a bloke who sung ''Woman In Red'
"For although she was frigid
Like my face muscles - quite rigid

"She said something nice 'bout my shed."

======================================

She liked his rot treated ship-lapping,

She liked his rot treated ship-lapping,
On the bottom some copper sheet capping
to keep out the worms
which used to take turns

Of nibbling his nuts whilst he's crapping.

------------------------------------------

While rickshawed round town by the coolies,

While rickshawed round town by the coolies,
He enjoyed a cool breeze round his goolies
But stopped at the lights

By two girls with no tights,

While rickshawed round town by the coolies,
He enjoyed a cool breeze round his goolies
But stopped at the lights
By two girls with no tights,
He noted they both had big toolies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Bangkok its the luck of the draw
Some of the bar girls got that little bit more
Ya pays yer Baht
And hopes for a tart

In Bangkok its the luck of the draw
Some of the bar girls got that little bit more
Ya pays yer Baht
And hopes for a tart
And not some Ladyboy whore
---------------------------------------
Though some think it's rather amusing
Gender can be confusing

just ask Marilyn Manson,
who, without his pants on

Though some think it's rather amusing
Gender can be confusing
just ask Marilyn Manson,
who, without his pants on
Is probably self-abusing.
==================
He fancied a dominatrix

He fancied a dominatrix
To help build dungeon of bricks

He fancied a dominatrix
Someone who would beat him with sticks,
Someone with power
Who gives golden shower
And craps in his breakfast Weet Bix

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well that should get the relationship off just fine

The relationship started just fine,

The relationship started just fine,
I'd seen hers and the showed her mine

The relationship started just fine,
I'd seen hers and I showed her mine
But the tattoo on her back
which ended down her crack

Was, quite clearly, well over the line.

=============================

'Twas the Pprune logo! - yellow and blue,

Made her arse look detached from her spine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Twas the PPRuNe logo! - yellow and blue,

'Twas the PPRuNe logo! - yellow and blue,
Also a picture of some military aircrew

'Twas the PPRuNe logo! - yellow and blue,
Also a picture of some military aircrew
And some wannabee virgins

Talkin' about mergin's

OFSO and Goudie worked up, in a fine stew

With only twenty five years to me century
I'm now classed as the elderly gentry
I'll admit to the odd wrinkle
And that me winkle
No longer makes a grand entry:(
----------------------------------------
A lady got in touch with The Sun
Naming a chap with whom she'd had some fun

A lady got in touch with The Sun
Naming a chap with whom she'd had some fun
he'd indulged in lewd functions
then applied for some injunctions

And finally shot him with a gun


Happy birthday Goudie!



The malady that RJM had
Has got me, me guts are so bad!
I'm not quite so wiped out
I'll be drinking no doubt

The malady that RJM had
Has got me, me guts are so bad!
I'm not quite so wiped out
I'll be drinking no doubt
So here's to rum, mum, and me dad!



Alcohol masks all manner of ills
And tastes better than a handful of pills

As long as there're pits
When one gets the squits

Alcohol masks all manner of ills
And tastes better than a handful of pills
As long as there're pits
When one gets the squits
On a walk in the Derbyshire hills.

------------------------------------

The worst is, there won't be no paper,

The worst is, there won't be no paper,
Not even 'The Sun' to use as a scraper

The worst is, there won't be no paper,
Not even 'The Sun' to use as a scraper
So use your left hand
to remove chocolate jam




Yeah, sorry it's late, but also HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me too, Mr G. !

The worst is, there won't be no paper,
Not even 'The Sun' to use as a scraper
So use your left hand
to remove chocolate jam
And Goudie, enjoy your birthday caper!
========================
We have the sun, first time in a fortnight!

We have the sun, first time in a fortnight!
So Goudie put the controls bright.

We have the sun, first time in a fortnight!
So Goudie put the controls bright.
To shine on me bum
As I sipped a large rum
Well it's me birthday, innit, alright


Thanks for the greetings


---------------------------------------
A lady who lived in Wendover

Dropped her drawers in the back of a Rover,




...have a good last hour gouds

A lady who lived in Wendover
Dropped her drawers in the back of a Rover,
She said "I love sex on four wheels
You know how it feels
It's better than a roll in the clover"
======================
She claimed it was better than a Mini

And she asked him to signal his 'fini',
'Cos she just couldn't tell,

When she'd rung his bell

Till she saw the next post from our Tinny



------



'Scuse, me chaps, I really must dash

'Scuse, me chaps, I really must dash
For Sausage Beans and Mash

Then to the toilet a bit
For a massive great shit
And give the fair Dalton a bash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yea verily, for it came to pass

Yea verily, for it came to pass
Someone doth farted from his arse.
For Sausage and Bean and the Mash
Maketh a gaseous colonic hash

Yea verily, for it came to pass
Someone doth farted from his arse.
For Sausage and Bean and the Mash
Maketh a gaseous colonic hash
which can place one at top of t'class


My leather couch has been cleaned with some stuff
That the housemaid applied in a huff
When I slide up and down
It makes a farting sound


(All very true I am afraid. Mrs OFSO still insists it's me passing a flatule or twain).

Mrs OFSO exclaims "That's Enough!".

==============================

"I will not have you soiling my seats",
"Nor have you broadcasting same in your tweets"
"To your Limerick mates,"

"I will not have you soiling my seats",
"Nor have you broadcasting same in your tweets"
"To your Limerick mates
Whose coarse laughter I hates

And who're probably crap 'twixt the sheets.

====================================

As the sun set the clouds quickly cleared,


...been peeing it down all day in North Surrey...

As the sun set the clouds quickly cleared,
And a meteor streaked above, then I heared

As the sun set the clouds quickly cleared,
And a meteor streaked above, then I heared
a heavenly voice
saying, "Bro, that's choice!"
so the Lord is a Kiwi - oh dear!

"Ye shill take the loaves and fushes,"

And tern the whole lut ento mushes


(sorry, me Kiwi accint is crup)

"Ye shill take the loaves and fushes,"
And tern the whole lut ento mushes
But turn the wine into water?
I don't think you oughter
'Cause all the girls here are lushes.
======================
If you're looking for modern-day miracles

If you're looking for modern-day miracles
You should see the size of Slasher's testicles:eek:

He'll have need of a barra,
For his melons and marra,

If you're looking for modern-day miracles
You should see the size of Slasher's testicles
He'll have need of a barra,
For his melons and marra,
and other assorted comestibles.


If you dangle your line in the water

If you dangle your line in the water
Angling for the general's daughter

And his wife, in the bois,
For that menage a trois,
And to do things they just didn't oughter.

---------------------------------------------

They had left all their clothes on the beach,

And went back to their classrooms to teach

They had left all their clothes on the beach,
And went back to their classrooms to teach
the facts of life,
they were all in big strife,
but that Miss Jones, now she was a peach.


She'd unbutton the top of her dress

She'd unbutton the top of her dress
and believe me, they were the best
Two lovely bazoomas

They certainly weren't rumours

She'd unbutton the top of her dress
and believe me, they were the best
Two lovely bazoomas
The bane of costumers
Who barely could keep them compressed

She'd unbutton the top of her dress
and believe me, they were the best
Two lovely bazoomas
They certainly weren't rumours
Both fact, and easily assessed

Each one was the size of a fender

And well up on Slasher's agenda

The left one was large
like a turk's head on a barge

Each one was the size of a fender
And well up on Slasher's agenda
The left one was large
like a turk's head on a barge
While the right was a title contender.
========================
For their size and shape, she won a ribbon

Whilst she covered them up with a bib on,
Which, I'm pleased to report,
Was a good two feet short,