She said that my jandals were choice
And my jocks were also "Quite noice"
But the best of my clobber,
Made me look like a knobber,
'Twas what hung from me mullett - me pois (https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=new+zealand+poi&hl=en&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=SwwFUKf8M4HH0QXl2d3TBw&ved=0CGQQsAQ&biw=1024&bih=612).


==============================




.

The seventies were terrible for fashion,

And detested by many with great passion
The rise of glam rock

Gave many a shock

But many there were that did cash in

Seeing men made-up sent me ashen :eek:


5000+ posts!

Confusion RJ, do please continue

All Limerists are bronzed Anzacs

All Limerists are bronzed Anzacs,
With a passion for four-legged woolly-backs,

All Limerists are bronzed Anzacs,
With a passion for four-legged woolly-backs,
It shows how brave we are
To go that far
Despite the looming threat of anthrax

There are northern Limerists too

There are northern Limerists too
And some of them are known to you
For being slighly vulgar

There are northern Limerists too
And some of them are known to you
For being slighly vulgar
Like 'Mad Otto', the crazy Bulgar
With thirty synonyms for 'poo'

Not many know that Shakespeare wrote
Many limericks, though few of note

He'd be regarded here
As fairly smallish beer
He'd basically leave, with hat and coat

How dare the Poms clean up the Aussies
Wipe us off like a swarm of mozzies




(cricket, old chaps...)

How dare the Poms clean up the Aussies
Wipe us off like a swarm of mozzies
But come the ashes
We'll get some mates of Slasher's


Where is he, by the way?

To seduce them in their lycra cossies

The sharks are swimming off the shore
"Send us Aussies" they cry "more and more !"

The sharks are swimming off the shore
"Send us Aussies" they cry "more and more !"
I'm sorry to say
We'll send none your way
The crocs take our spares, it's a local law



It used to be the odd German tourist
But now the crocs aren't so purist


Slasher won a swearing competition - he's spending 6 months in a brothel smoking dope with a model.

No offence, Slash.

It used to be the odd German tourist
But now the crocs aren't so purist
A "Frog" or "Ros'bif"
Chewed up in their teeth

It used to be the odd German tourist
But now the crocs aren't so purist
A "Frog" or "Ros'bif"
Chewed up in their teeth
Followed by a session with a manicurist

Is just the thing for the modern lizard
Replete with traveller in their gizzard

Tastier than deer
Washed down with a beer

For breakfast, just wizard

She was listed as dancer, exotic

She was listed as dancer, exotic
And her pussy was large and neurotic,










.

It would make funny faces
Hide in odd little places

She was listed as dancer, exotic
And her pussy was large and neurotic,
It would make funny faces
Hide in odd little places
Umberto said it might be semiotic

____________________________

Her name it was Rose, I believe

but she wanted to change it to Steve

And acquire some new kit

Her name it was Rose, I believe
but she wanted to change it to Steve
And acquire some new kit;
for a courageous Brit.
Alone well she should leave.
-------------------------------------------------------
Her name it was Rose, I believe;
but she wanted to change it to Steve.
This needed surgical hands.
Touching more than glands.
Some would definately grieve.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The change after closer inspection

The change after closer inspection
needed help to achieve an erection,
a pneumatic pump

The change after closer inspection
Needed help to achieve an erection,
A pneumatic pump
And a portable sump
Produced the required correction

Predictably, they called her Lola

Predictably, they called her Lola
She attached herself to a high roller
At the roulette wheel

Predictably, they called her Lola
She attached herself to a high roller
At the roulette wheel
till he copped a feel,
then ran off as if she had Ebola.

Deserted and misunderstood,

Deserted and misunderstood,
She promised herself that she would
Satisfied her desires

Using old rubber tyres
Instead of a wrinkled old pud.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When undergoing conversion

beware the runway excursion

Ground looping a SPAD
There's no fun to be had

When undergoing conversion
Beware the runway excursion
Ground looping a SPAD
There's no fun to be had
And would be to t'instructor's aversion.

=================================

"All clear, please, above and behind?"*




* ..the glider pilot's refrain prior to a winch launch"

"All clear, please, above and behind?"
She said, "And if you don't mind"
"Please pull out your chocks"

"All clear, please, above and behind?"
She said, "And if you don't mind"
"Please pull out your chocks
Let's synchronise clocks -
It's 15 minutes per grind."

I met a lady at a fair

I once met a lady at a fair
Who said to me ''just for a dare''

Let's streak through the stalls

I once met a lady at a fair
Who said to me ''just for a dare''
Let's streak through the stalls
And rattle your balls.
That should make the crowd stare.
======================
As we ran through the penny arcade

Me tool dragged on the ground and got frayed

So in sock I did tuck it,

Like I did in Nantucket

When I knelt down and prayed

There once was a very shy lad
Who unfortunately had never 'been had'



Slasher doesn't come to mind!

There once was a very shy lad
Who unfortunately had never 'been had'
Slasher doesn't come to mind!
You're so unkind.

There once was a very shy lad
Who unfortunately had never 'been had'
His slug was that ugly
- 'twouldn't turn on a fugly
So he fcuked rubber ducks - so sad...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a very shy lad
Who unfortunately had never 'been had'
Slasher doesn't come to mind!
You're so unkind
And he fcuks rubber ducks - he's bad! :E
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a very shy girl
Whose clit had never had a whirl

So before we mated
I had it vibrated

And that certainly made her toes curl

Foreplay is more art than technique

Foreplay is more art than technique
Best to be somewhat - oblique
Like the tips of her toes

Foreplay is more art than technique
Best to be somewhat - oblique
Like the tips of her toes
When they're shoved up yer nose,
And your farts are, at best, rather weak.

===============================

'Cos a ripe one can turn the girls on,





.

You sure? I just tried it and now she's gone!

The hydrogen-sulphate rich

'Cos a ripe one can turn the girls on,
You sure? I just tried it and now she's gone!
The hydrogen-sulphate rich
Atmosphere which
Appeared made her say "Mais non!"
======================
She said "Your pheromones"

She said "Your pheromones
Smell like blood'n'bone's
Been spread
On my bed

I shall bake a batch of fresh scones



I pronounce scone with a short "o", but for the sake of the rhyme!


----------------------


She was naked and covered in flour

She was naked and covered in flour
I rolled her in raisins, for almost an hour

'Til the juices ran free,

Right down to her knee,

She was naked and covered in flour
I rolled her in raisins, for almost an hour
'Til the juices ran free,
Right down to her knee,
Such was my sexual power.
===================
I like to lick brandy from her skin

And from the crack in her bottom sip gin

I like to lick brandy from her skin
And from the crack in her bottom sip gin
It provides a real tonic,
And erections bionic,

I like to lick brandy from her skin
And from the crack in her bottom sip gin
It provides a real tonic,
And erections bionic,
Aroused by the sight of her fin


(Mermaids, anyone ?)

I like to lick brandy from her skin
And from the crack in her bottom sip gin
It provides a real tonic,
And erections bionic,
As it runs down my chinny chin chin



The weightlifter said "I work on my snatch"
"What else could you do?" I said. "That would come natch"
Her muscly bazoomers
Were the subject of rumours

The weightlifter said "I work on my snatch"
"What else could you do?" I said. "That would come natch"
Her muscly bazoomers
Were the subject of rumours
And so was the colour of her thatch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was reckoned she shagged the whole team
As she'd emerged just dripping their cream.

She then spent an hour
In a very hot shower
Disappearing in clouds of steam

She'd been unfaithful not once but twice
Then with the All Blacks she made it thrice

She'd been unfaithful not once but twice
Then with the All Blacks she made it thrice
But when she tried for the quadrella
With some Canadian feller

She'd been unfaithful not once but twice
Then with the All Blacks she made it thrice
Three times fifteen
An effort rarely seen

She'd been unfaithful not once but twice
Then with the All Blacks she made it thrice
But when she tried for the quadrella
With some Canadian feller
She couldn't get a starting price

Let's drink to all frisky young fillies

She'd been unfaithful not once but twice
Then with the All Blacks she made it thrice
Three times fifteen
An effort rarely seen
So she said "now a rest would be rather nice"



--------------------


Let's drink to all frisky young fillies
And the effect they have on our willies

Well each to his own of course
But i just can't get it up for a horse,

Even those cute ones they've got in the Scillies

Well, you obviously haven't met Jilly's



----------



She told me she liked doing it best

Whilst wearing a saddle..and an aertex vest.

So with me riding crop
Before she could shout stop
I gave it a bloody good test

I must say that in the main
The respond well to a few strokes of the cane

I must say that in the main
They respond well to a few strokes of the cane
With a bit and a saddle
They like you to straddle

Them now and again

With chastisement gear laid out, on the bed
Her eyes opened wide, in her head

With chastisement gear laid out, on the bed
Her eyes opened wide, in her head
She began to neigh
As I had my way
A certain sign she was very well bred


Just to clear it up a filly's a gel
Of a certain type we all know well

The legs are long
Often wears a thong

And goes at it really pell mell

She liked to f*ck with an equestrian hat on
And shouted and swore like General Patton
She liked it rough
Could not get enough
With tastes as wide as the a*se she sat on


She said she'd won at Royal Ascot

Made a cast of me willy as a sort of mascot

She creaked like a wooden galleon,
But told me i was hung like a stallion,

To prove she was right
We kept at it all night*



poetic licence is a wonderful thing!

She said I was better than the 1st Battalion

I tell women who want me to
Please form an orderly queue:rolleyes:

I tell women who want me to
Please form an orderly queue
The line went 'round the block
'Twas a bit of a shock

I tell women who want me to
Please form an orderly queue
The line went 'round the block
'Twas a bit of a shock
That it wasn't to me, but you!

My door's always open, as the girls know
But unaccountably business has been rather slow

My door's always open, as the girls know
But unaccountably business has been rather slow
As I sit, 'tackle out',
I can hear them all shout,

My door's always open, as the girls know
But unaccountably business has been rather slow
As I sit, 'tackle out',
I can hear them all shout,
We all know why you're called Floppy Joe.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

There once was a caddie from Lytham,

Whose balls bounced with a Lancashire rhythm,

As she handled my club

She gave it a rub

There once was a caddie from Lytham,
Whose balls bounced with a Lancashire rhythm,
As she handled my club
She gave it a rub
And gave me such a paroxysm.
======================
In the olympics, if I were competing

In the olympics, if I were competing:
All nations, I would be greeting.

In the olympics, if I were competing:
All nations, I would be greeting.
With a friendly smile
(but all the while

Make sure I wasn't caught cheating

-------------------------------------------
I stood there with me javelin in me 'and
And the crowd went wild in the stand

I stood there with me javelin in me 'and
And the crowd went wild in the stand
They thought "Watch this spear-chucker"

I stood there with me javelin in me 'and
And the crowd went wild in the stand
They thought "Watch this spear-chucker
He looks like a likely fukcer"

To get his willy all covered in sand.

==========================

In the pole vault i used my own equipment,

In the pole vault i used my own equipment,
With rubber gaskets for a very tight fitment
And straps round the back

Jammed up me crack

And then a good rub down with some linament

--------------------------------------------
The jerking off competition was fun
Flashing our willies waiting for the gun
I didn't lose face
Came all over the place
Though it's a damn shame I never won

--------------------------------------------
I'm down to do the long hump

I'm down to do the long hump
With the Council's girl who runs the dump -
I was leaving leaf litter,




.

I'm down to do the long hump
With the Council's girl who runs the dump -
I was leaving leaf litter,
Which is really a sh*tter
Especially when all in one lump

Today I saw stair rods of rain.
That poured again and again.

Today I saw stair rods of rain.
That poured again and again.
Took off me left welly,
My God, it was smelly,

I must change me socks once again

---------------------------------------
My cunning plan to pop her cherry
Required a bottle of sherry
If she doesn't get randy
I'll try a bottle of brandy

My cunning plan to pop her cherry
Required a bottle of sherry
If she doesn't get randy
I'll try a bottle of brandy,
Or gin to get her more merry.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My cunning plan to pop her cherry,
Required a bottle of sherry,
"But please, Uncle Goudie,
Your cork's a bit woody",

My cunning plan to pop her cherry,
Required a bottle of sherry,
"But please, Uncle Goudie,
Your cork's a bit woody",
Twill plug the leak in the ferry.

-------------------------------------------------------
Do we know Goudie's masterplan

Do we know Goudie's masterplan
To, at last, clean up his lavatory pan,
With a wirebrush or two,

Do we know Goudie's masterplan
To, at last, clean up his lavatory pan,
With a wirebrush or two;
case hardened do do.

Do we know Goudie's masterplan
To, at last, clean up his lavatory pan,
With a wirebrush or two;
case hardened do do.
And he'll do it, by jingo ! he can

________________________


Hows the knee holding up in wet weather ?
Does it flex, or requires a tether ?

My bionic knee's fine
I can walk in a straight line

Ah but can you run hell for leather?
...............

New knee has a plastic spacer.

New knee has a plastic spacer
Turned me into a bionic racer

Consider Steve Austin
How much is he costin'?

New knee has a plastic spacer
Turned me into a bionic racer
Consider Steve Austin
How much is he costing'?
About the same as a beer with whisky chaser.
=============================
I offered her whisky and sofa
'Cause I thought that was something she'd go for

I offered her whisky and sofa
'Cause I thought that was something she'd go for
Imagine my shock
When she said she liked hock
And had swum from Calais to Dover

I could tell by the size
Of her muscular thighs

I just new it was one of those cases,
By the terrified look on their faces,
I could tell by the size
Of her muscular thighs
She could crack nuts at twenty five paces.

===================================

As Lord Coe was locked up in the Tower,

As Lord Coe was locked up in the Tower,
He dropped the soap in the shower.
As he bent to retrieve it

As Lord Coe was locked up in the Tower,
He dropped the soap in the shower.
As he bent to retrieve it
A Beefeater said "Leave it"

''Here's a brillo pad try that for a scour''

--------------------------------------------
This fiasco should put heads on the block

We could start with Seb Coe - he's a c0ck,
Then that tosser, Nick Buckles,








...now there's a thing, if you type c-o-c-k it appears on the post as "type of dog" !!



.

Who's done absolutely fcuk all
Must say it's not come as a shock
-----------------------------------------
Slasher was in pole position
For the annual shagfest competition

This fiasco should put heads on the block
We could start with Seb Coe - he's a c0ck,
Then that tosser, Nick Buckles,
Is dragging his knuckles
Guess his bill will cause some shock.
=========================
One must ask where the money gets hidden

That's something that they'll keep a lid on

To be perfectly frank
It's in a Swiss Bank
But telling you more is forbidden

Slasher was in pole position
For the annual shagfest competition

He could see it and smell it,
I'm sure that's how he'd tell it,

He'd massaged it to perfect condition

In the mind of a gel, horses and sex
Are closely connected, it's quite complex

Now don't fiddle faddle
It's the ups and downs in the saddle

"And the exercise is good for our becks"

Not to mention those tight riding breeches

Nor the places that the seam reaches

Not to mention those tight riding breeches
It really gives me the twitches.
You can see her thighs ripple

As she takes a tipple

Brandy being one of horseriding's features

Not to mention those tight riding breeches
Nor the places that the seam reaches
The equestrian action
And rythmic compaction
and the bouncing of two georgeous peaches

I was just going to correct my error misspelling 'rhythmic', OFSO. The standards here at the Lim Thread are high...

She said she was interested in dressage
I asked what, exactly, is your message

She said she was interested in dressage
I asked what, exactly, is your message
When you sit up on top,
In your top hat and crop,









. rage against the edit

She said she was interested in dressage
I asked what, exactly, is your message
When you sit up on top,
In your top hat and crop,
You're a gel who can quaite work your pessage.
============================
She said she'd such control of her muscles

She said she'd such control of her muscles
That when she twitches her tw*t, it rustles

And she said there's a feeling
She gets when she's kneeling

That her blood's going to burst its corpuscles.


===============================

I was hitting my leather with willow,

I was hitting my leather with willow,
My loved one a-sitting on a pillow

But i soon got the hump
When she bowled my middle stump,

I was hitting my leather with willow,
My loved one a-sitting on a pillow
But i soon got the hump
When she bowled my middle stump,
While eating a ripe tamarillo.
======================
She seemed like a walking dream
But she batted for the other team

And she'd not let me watch,
If I handled my crotch,

Before serving her strawberries and cream

__________________________________

Some foods seem to go with a sport

Some foods seem to go with a sport
Agreed OFSO - that's what I thought,
'Til I tried, in my Micra,
To get her out of her Lycra,
With the lure of two plums and some pork.

=====================================




.

The perils of baking when nude



Caught and bowled by Hobo!

The perils of baking when nude
Of my bread making course down in Bude,
Where the oven was scorching,
And my pubes got a torching,





....sorry 'bout that treads....off to do some gardening now, probably along my neighbour's boundary, where it overlooks their 'sunbathing area' - the husband is away on business.

The perils of baking when nude
Of my bread making course down in Bude,
Where the oven was scorching,
And my pubes got a torching,
Can really dampen the mood.
========================
She worked in the kitchen, unclad

To be honest that made me quite glad




Done me garden Hobo, attractive neighbour not in... or out... I just found her gooseberries in my flowerbed though...

'Cos she's quite fond of nooky
When playing at cooky

With much fine dining to be had

She bent to reach into the freezer
And up crept a dirty old geezer

He whipped out his marrow

Said "here, me old cocker-sparrow !"


(am I in the right place ?!)

Have taste of me helmet as a teaser

After several large gin and tonics
I'm unable to decipher mnenomics (sp)

After several large gin and tonics
I'm unable to decipher mnenomics (sp)
But after a whiskey,
I always feel frisky,

My old lad has no need of bionics!
.......................

A young lad who was unsure of himself
Thought that sex might endanger his health

A young lad who was unsure of himself
Thought that sex might endanger his health
But he tried it anyway
And lucky to say,
It only affected his wealth.
========================
A young lady who stands on the corner

Against Limerists, someone should warn 'er,
'Cos if her name's Mandy,

A young lady who stands on the corner
Against Limerists, someone should warn 'er,
'Cos if her name's Mandy,
she'll be labelled as randy
and introduced to Little Jack Horner.


Now if she had been christened Dinah

Reference might have been made to a miner,

His helmet and pick

Now if she had been christened Dinah
Reference might have been made to a miner,
His helmet and pick
Are in pretty good nick
And he's never been known to decline a ...

... Kind invitation to dance
When he thought he might have a chance

Of sinking a shaft

For'ard or abaft

After which he'd be ready to prance.

_________________________________

Last night OFSO thought he'd be roasted
as the fire got nearer, it toasted

His manly marshmallows

Through trouser-vaults, hallowed

It's all in his book (ghosted).


______________

Through Croydon the Olympic torch thundered!



I managed to avoid watching its progress down the street below...

So far this event hasn't blundered

Unlike the security,
Now G4S has lost their purity,

When he heard of that, the Cameron must've chundered

____________________________________________

But Lord Coe has it all well in hand

But Lord Coe has it all well in hand
When he walks, in the nude, down The Strand,
He holds it out front,

But Lord Coe has it all well in hand
When he walks, in the nude, down The Strand,
He holds it out front,
And, with a grunt




Lead not into temptation, Hobo

But Lord Coe has it all well in hand
When he walks, in the nude, down The Strand,
He holds it out front,
And, with a grunt
shoots out rings in the Olympic brand.


A well-built sprint runner from Russia

Was believed to be a non-flusher

And a girl from Uganda
A toilet seat stander

Would produce a full-on great gusher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mud wrestlers called Gertude and Bertha
Could take their sport so much further.

If, once down on the ground,
The top one turned around,

You could see that they both hailed from Merthyr


-----------


Myfanwy and Megan from Rhyl

Had no need of the birth control pill,
With their sheep shagging men,





... excellent finish there treads!:ok:

They'd get some, now and again

Myfanwy and Megan from Rhyl
Had no need of the birth control pill,
With their sheep shagging men,
They'd get some, now and again
And 'twas moreof a chore than a thrill.
=========================
They say that young Irish colleens

Can fart after eating cold beans.

But their real partypiece
Is when they take some male geese,

And shove them down t'front of their jeans.


========================================


In receipt of a real dressing down,

The stains in my shreddies became brown

And an odour most foul
Made ladies weep and men howl

Now i'll NEVER get that job as a clown!
................................

There we were, crouched and ready to start

There we were, crouched and ready to start
When the seam in my shorts ripped apart
It wasn't from stretching

There we were, crouched and ready to start
When the seam in my shorts ripped apart
It wasn't from stretching,
and looked rather fetching

But caused by a rip-roaring fart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My shorts were so tight that throughout
A jatz cracker was hanging right out.
My penis was choked
And it almost croaked
While my left nut was swinging about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the race continued they saw
My testicle out there quite raw.

As the race continued they saw
My testicle out there quite raw.
"My God" came the call
"That's a bl00dy big ball!"

As the race continued they saw
My testicle out there quite raw.
"My God" came the call
"That's a bl00dy big ball!"
Such organs should be regulated, by law

"Out in OZ, that would be 'gainst the law."

=========================

As the last man crossed over the line,




....OFSO'd at this early hour!




.

Chased by the blades of a threshing combine,

Driven by that loony Lord Coe
"My God, but you're slow..."

As the last man crossed over the line,
Chased by the blades of a threshing combine,
Driven by that loony Lord Coe
"My God, but you're slow..."
"But your action is simply divine."
=====================
I'm in search of the perfect vagina
One that couldn't be diviner

A quick nip and tuck

And a test-drive fcuk
To check the correct tightness inside 'er.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With her labia wrapped round her neck,

The policeman said ''what the fcek''

"There's far too much twist
In your Croydon facelift (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Croydon_facelift)"

" But i'll still have a go, by eck"

Now my willy's a pefect example
Of what the girls love to sample

Now my willy's a pefect example
Of what the girls love to sample
Not too long, not too thick
It resembles a stick

(I'm thinking "off rock" here with the name running all the way through !)

Which most of them find that's quite ample

---------------------------------------------
The new girlfriend started getting quite stroppy

The new girlfriend started getting quite stroppy
after smoking some tobacco mixed with poppy
the visions divine

Of a cut cocaine line,

Is why I tend to prefer something more hoppy


-----------------


Whilst boarding her soft ample charms

In my head, off went the alarms

Whilst boarding her soft ample charms
In my head, off went the alarms
'Cause her husband's 12 bore
Appeared round the door

Whilst boarding her soft ample charms
In my head, off went the alarms
'Cause her husband's 12 bore
Appeared round the door
so it goes when you're cheating on farms.

Perhaps in the city it's better,

And in Paris, you'd have a French letter,

But in Los Angeles
You can do what you please

Some would even include a Red Setter!
..............................

The Ladies Beach Vollyball
Is my favourite sport overall

A skilled game that tests

Ankles, knees and chests

The Ladies Beach Volleyball
Is my favourite sport overall
A skilled game that tests
Ankles, knees and chests.
And they'd be good in a ruck or maul.
=======================
I prefer the ladies' triple jump