And trip over their long ding-a-lings.

=================================

I was thinking of volcanic craters,

And various sorts of ablators

I was thinking of volcanic craters,
And various sorts of ablators
And great fumeroles
And various holes

I was thinking of volcanic craters,
And various sorts of ablators
And great fumeroles
And various holes
over which you can fry chip potatoes.


I used to collect lava for lamps

Now I collect only food stamps.
With the economy now fcuked
I'll take jobs others ducked -
Even shovel up shit dripped by gramps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With the job front looking quite gloomy

With the job front looking quite gloomy,
Tinny was seeking a place less roomy,

He's going to downsize
So there's less space for flies
And invest the spare cash in a Mooney


--------------


When it's time to have a clear out

When it's time to have a clear out
Some things you find will leave you no doubt

That it is daft to hoard,

The things she adored
So toss 'em while she's not about


-----------------


I'll throw out the Mother-in-law

I'll throw out the Mother-in-law,
the ugly, conniving old whore

And as for her daughter,
Who speaks more than she oughta,

Forty five pairs of shoes
That'd give the missus the blues
I'd probably follow them right out the door

----------------------------------------
Why do women want lots of stuff

Why do women want lots of stuff
I find one set of trousers, shirt, and underpants enough
And as for those socks

I'll throw out the Mother-in-law,
the ugly, conniving old whore
And as for her daughter,
Who speaks more than she oughta,
She don't love me no more.
=====================
Why do women want lots of stuff
I find one set of trousers, shirt, and underpants enough
And as for those socks
I don't need huge stocks

Do you think that I'm some sort of puff?


-----------


Her undies could double up as a tent
If waterproofed, and with some sort of vent

Her undies could double up as a tent
If waterproofed, and with some sort of vent
placed discretely round the back
lined up with the crack

Her undies could double up as a tent
If waterproofed, and with some sort of vent
placed discretely round the back
lined up with the crack,
Was a rather well endowed old gent.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

She spent a fortune painting her nails,

Then my middle stump (but not my bails).

She used Chelsea Whore red
When she wanked cocks in bed
Taking pics of her hands on those males.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was known as Tina the Tunnel

As her snatch was shaped like a funnel.

She was regularly bored
Her full length explored

Just like that of the Chunnel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her favourite men were the Swedes
Who did naughty things with beads

Her name was Mad Olga
From east of the Volga

In "Hansard" her exploits you'll read

_______________________________

She serviced MP's of all parties

Giving blowjobs for a packet of smarties

And with a cigar
A la Monica

She gave the Rabbi a truely Happy Hanukkah.

The bishop came down from his palace,
And asked "What can you do for me, Alice?"

"I would quite like your band",
"Round the end of my gland",

more formally known as my phallus."


"I'm only too glad to comply,"

"I'm only too glad to comply,"
She said,apparently, on the sly.
Give it a shot
Let's see what you've got

Would it help, if I unzipped your fly?

===============================


With a great deal of huffing and puffing,

With a great deal of huffing and puffing,
The result was eventually... nuffing.
But the straw house was easy

The timber was breezy

With a great deal of huffing and puffing,
The result was eventually... nuffing.
But the straw house was easy
The timber was breezy
And the chick in the brick house liked stuffing.
============================
She like it so much that she said

She like it so much that she said,
"Tiz pork sword I like to be fed,"

She like it so much that she said,
"Tiz pork sword I like to be fed,"
with gravy so hot
it warms the G-spot

She like it so much that she said,
"Tiz pork sword I like to be fed,
with gravy so hot
it warms the G-spot
Stop wasting time - let's go to bed."

'Twas dawn, so I gave her a nudge

'Twas dawn, so I gave her a nudge
I said "'ere, dear, I'm on the bludge"
"I need a quick poke"

But first give it a stroke

And in return, I will poke

'Twas dawn, so I gave her a nudge
I said "'ere, dear, I'm on the bludge"
"I need a quick poke"
But first give it a stroke
And in return, I will poke some hot fudge.


I had quite a thing for desserts

Sounds a bit like lifting shirts

I had quite a thing for desserts
Sounds a bit like lifting shirts
But at the fudge-packers ball
She gave it her all

Though crying out loud 'buggah, that hurts!''

Although she looked quite mild and meek
She did prefer doing it "Greek"

She was fond of those bars made by 'Mars'

Although she looked quite mild and meek
She did prefer doing it "Greek"
She was fond of those bars made by 'Mars'
And would do anything in cars

When she's dogging, we all want a peek.


=====================

On the dashboard she planted her feet,

Wide apart 'cos she was really on heat

As she sat on the gearstick
I gave her a good lick,

While egged on by my mate Pete


---------


When I get back from the pub tonight


If I can, no bloody buses....

I'll most likely be a little bit tight

I'll stagger and sing
and wave high my Thing
and politically veer to the right

I won't get it up,
so I'm unlikely to tup
my wife or my dog. What a plight!

------------------------------------------------------

A limerick that's laced with obscenity

Pipped by the clock.............pray continue with the winning pome...

A limerick that's laced with obscenity
Will give rise to much ribald levity
For a pussy or willy
May sound really silly

A limerick that's laced with obscenity
Will give rise to much ribald levity
For a pussy or willy
May sound really silly
But they combine quite to a tee

Sex makes a good subject for verse

Except in the back of a hearse,

Yer can't mis-behave
'Cos there's no sex in the grave

Sex makes a good subject for verse
Except in the back of a hearse,
Yer can't mis-behave
Cos there's no sex in the grave:
Making one want to curse.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The mourners were all dressed in green.

The mourners were all dressed in green
When they met for the wake at the shebeen
But Mary O'Flaherty
Enlivened the party

The mourners were all dressed in green
When they met for the wake at the shebeen
But Mary O'Flaherty
Enlivened the party
By exposing the biggest t*ts ever seen

At a traditional wedding, the shotgun's white

At a traditional wedding, the shotgun's white
When it's fired it's the first bang of the night

But if it's firing blanks

Cos of too many wanks,

The chance of conception will be slight

His approach at three degrees.

His approach at three degrees.
and yaw at zero to her knees
but roll and pitch

Were a sonofabitch

And a heavy touchdown did nothing to please

------------------------------------------
In to the flight envelope take it gently
To ensure one makes a smooth entry

In to the flight envelope take it gently
To ensure one makes a smooth entry
Takeoff, by contrast
May have to be very fast

In to the flight envelope take it gently
To ensure one makes a smooth entry
Takeoff, by contrast
May have to be very fast :
But do it very intently.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
'Wear goggles when you come in my bed.'

To young Biggles, the hooker said
And just for a laugh
Wear yer silk scarf

Oh and bring Ginger, otherwise yer dead....

And if it's "Biggles, who flies undone"

And Flash Gordon shows his willy for fun

And if it's "Biggles, who flies undone"
And Flash Gordon shows his willy for fun
It's Algernon Lacey
Who does things rather racy
While out on a nature run.
===================
When the boys spend a night on the town

When the boys spend a night on the town
It's assured willy will be down.
In order to recover

When the boys spend a night on the town
It's assured willy will be down.
In order to recover
The chairs of another;
in pawnshop: he's such a clown.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Granpa can't take a nap;
his chair has gone as scrap.

Granpa can't take a nap;
his chair has gone as scrap.
But we kept the wheels,
In case he feels,

Granpa can't take a nap;
his chair has gone as scrap.
But we kept the wheels,
In case he feels,
Like doing a qualifying lap

___________________

He's first off the grid with his zimmer....

The exercise is making him slimmer

But after one lap
His KERS has gone zap

Of momentum there's only a glimmer.

---------------------------------------------------------

The tatoos on Algernon's willy,

Are of his old girlfriend named Jilly
She appears short and fat
When erect she's still that
As Algie's in fact willy nilly


---------------------


"Gi's a kiss love", said Algie to Biggles

As they both had a fit of the giggles

"Gi's a kiss love", said Algie to Biggles
As they both had a fit of the giggles
"That'll make Ginger jealous"
"I suppose he'll tell us"

How he sits on your lap and then wiggles


-------------


Goudie's new girlfriend's a whiz

And she just loves doing 'the biz'
But though I'm quite eager:)
My resources are meagre:sad:

Goudie's new girlfriend's a whiz
And she just loves doing 'the biz'
But though I'm quite eager
My resources are meagre
And my gonads are deficient in fizz.

-------------------------------------------------------

My Prince Albert is giving me gyp,

My Prince Albert is giving me gyp,
Every time that I give it a dip,
I can state here, quite truly,
That it gets too unruly,
So the wife's strapped it tight to my hip.

==================================

As the sun crept up o'er the horizon,

There's a young girl that I'd got my eyes on
She was not wearing much

But a merkin on her crutch

The same one that has all the flies on.....

My codpiece has gone to the cleaners
For the state of the leather was most heinous

My codpiece has gone to the cleaners
For the state of the leather was most heinous.
The accumulated smegma
is a medical enigma
with awful effects on my meatus.

-----------------------------------------------

And now I'm feeling rather sick
with all these problems of my dick

It's not just the pox
But a case of smallcox

And now I'm feeling rather sick
with all these problems of my dick
It's not just the pox
But a case of smallcox
That really gets on my wick.
====================
Her favourite fruit was the gherkin

Dipped in cider, I'll be certain

Her favourite fruit was the gherkin
Dipped in cider, I'll be certain,
And she's one of the few,
Who likes a nice bit it cu,
Cumber, ice cold, up her merkin.

=============================

Her chastity belt had a lock

But my briefs were enhanced with a sock,
Of an old North Sea sailor,

Her chastity belt had a lock
But my briefs were enhanced with a sock,
Of an old North Sea sailor,
And my mate, who's a gaoler
Had a key that worked, so I got a fock.
=========================
A skeleton key will work wonders

On Japanese cars, except Hondas

A skeleton key will work wonders,
On Japanese cars, except Hondas,
But for a Jaguar's lock,

Fiddling keys it'll block

You'll find a similar problem with Zondas


_____________________

Onto the table went all the car keys

A skeleton key will work wonders,
On Japanese cars, except Hondas,
But for a Jaguar's lock,
Fiddling keys it'll block,
"Hmm, what to do next?", goudie ponders.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Onto the table went all the car keys,
Lots of trembling could be seen in the knees,

Cos two blokes were spare

They weren't that sort of pair,

So Treads and Goudie went out on zee peez:ok:

---------------------------------------------
No one told us the pub was gay:eek:

No one told us the pub was gay
As we walked in there, that summer day
But the dangling handerkerchiefs
From the back pockets, like some quivering leafs
Gave the game, not just away, but AWAY.

_____________________________________

From behind the bar came a smile

Those false teeth had been there for a while,

T'were Chattery Teeth
Looking out for some beef

(See Stephen King's short story of same name for details)

So in Christine i did a quick standing mile....

A quick tip for 1859,
your limericks are perfectly fine
but this needs attention -
by ancient convention,
the finisher starts a new line!


There was an astronomer, Hubble

There was an astronomer, Hubble
Whose foul farts in the bath, caused a bubble,

There was an astronomer, Hubble,
Whose foul farts in the bath, caused a bubble,
So a threaded cork,
Was inserted with torque,

And thus came an end to the trouble



---------------------



When easing one out on the train

There was an astronomer, Hubble,
Whose foul farts in the bath, caused a bubble,
So a threaded cork,
Was inserted with torque,
And held in with woven bum-fluff stubble.
==========================
Sometimes one lacks inspiration
For a first line; hell and damnation!
I can't think of a topic

So please don't mock it
If I revert to tales of masturbation

There once was an old boy from Shanklin

There once was an old boy from Shanklin,
Who liked songs sung by Aretha Franklin,

He loved hearing this diva
Singing 'Moon River'



Nice one VG:ok:

To which (of no one was lookin') he'd be wankin'

____________________________________

OFSO fell for it, goudie!!

There was a young maiden from Muckle,

There was a young maiden from Muckle,
Who was pretty good with the knuckle
With the lads she would spar

'bout tax and Jimmy Carr

Then give em a good belt, with the buckle.
....................
Jimmy Carr did look a bit of a arse,

Jimmy Carr did look a bit of a arse,
But to call him a comic's a farce,
And for really good jokes,
Then the goons are your blokes,
As for JC's style humour, I'll pass.

=========================

Back to treads' forgotten first line....

When easing one out on the train
Do not leave, on the seat, a wet stain,

If you follow through
With a soggy pooh

You'll incur an excess fare for your pain.
...................
Some of us remember engines powered by steam,

Coal fired locomotives and never too clean

Going through the King's Cross tunnels
Yer got the smuts from the funnels

and the whistle plays "God save the Queen".

The 3:24 from King's Cross

Was full of the usual dross

The 3:24 from King's Cross
Was full of the usual dross
they couldn't help but stare,
cos Mick Jagger was there
saying 'I didn't want to gather no moss'.


His lips, they had sagged to his navel

His lips, they had sagged to his navel
and like Keith, he was completely unable

His lips, they had sagged to his navel,
and like Keith, he was completely unable,
To whistle a tune,

but don't worry - 'cos soon

They'll be certified, extremely unstable

---------------------------------------
Now Ronnie Woods, he was a villian
And he would easily spend the odd million

Now Ronnie Woods, he was a villian
And he would easily spend the odd million,
On Guinnesss and fags,

And sundry old bags

Now Ronnie Woods, he was a villian
And he would easily spend the odd million,
On Guinness and fags,
And sundry old bags
Ron's favourite colour? Vermilion.


____________


James Hunt wasn't much of a singer
But as a driver he was a humdinger

James Hunt wasn't much of a singer
But as a driver he was a humdinger,
At Mount Fuji he won,

James Hunt wasn't much of a singer
But as a driver he was a humdinger,
At Mount Fuji he won,
In the rain it was done

Then James wasn't the type who would linger

-----------------------------------
He was pretty fast too, with the ladies

He was pretty fast too, with the ladies,
In a threesome with a pair of Sadies,
His helmet they grabbed,

And later he bragged

He was pretty fast too, with the ladies,
In a threesome with a pair of Sadies,
His helmet they grabbed,
And later he bragged,
To Lucifer at the gates of Hades.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

There was an old Walker called Murray,

There was an old Walker called Murray,
Who was excited by cars in a hurry

He gabbled at speed
(And once damn near pee'd)

When he got too close to the back of a lurry.
.....................
Now Stirling Moss was a real racing legend....

But his championship hopes met a dead end

He gained ill repute,
With a two-fingered salute,

That would send Bernie E. round the bend.

=============================

At the Grand Prix in old Monte Carlo,

At the Grand Prix in old Monte Carlo,
Was an actress who swore like Jean Harlow

At the Grand Prix in old Monte Carlo,
Was an actress who swore like Jean Harlow
If asked nicely, she would throw
sing, suck, swallow or blow

She now lives very quietly near Marlow.
........................
Ah, the fun i've had in the back row of the flicks!

Humming 'Patience' - Take That, by G. Barlow.

=============================

...shot down by the S.Ldr!


Ah, the fun i've had in the back row of the flicks!
Where I had impure thoughts re S. Nicks (https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=stevie+nicks&hl=en&prmd=imvnso&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=vSbrT46VN6i42QXphojfAQ&sqi=2&ved=0CGkQsAQ&biw=1366&bih=562),




. (This full stop is a protest about editing messages)

But am i fussy? Not me!
I also fancied Christine McVie,

But not the lanky chap flailing drum sticks!


------------------


Ah, we used to drool over Pan's People

Ah, we used to drool over Pan's People,
Georgeous Babs with more than a C cupful,

But if you were hip
You prefered Hot Gossip

Oh look, there's a church with a steeple!


(desperate rhyme....)

There's nothing like ladies in lycra

Driving an old Nissan Micra

There's a lot of temptation
In that combination

There's nothing like ladies in lycra
Driving an old Nissan Micra
There's a lot of temptation
In that combination
but be careful, or lightning'll strike ya!


Her bike pants were way way too tight

Enough to give the kiddies a fright
But the dirty old men

Her bike pants were way way too tight
Enough to give the kiddies a fright
But the dirty old men
especially Sick Ken

Her bike pants were way way too tight
Enough to give the kiddies a fright
But the dirty old men
especially Sick Ken
Sniffed her bike seat with unbridled delight.
===========================
Her boyfriend bought her a bicycle

Her boyfriend bought her a bicycle
But she remained cold as an icicle

Her boyfriend bought her a bicycle
But she remained cold as an icicle
So his next little ploy
Which still brought no joy
Was to read her a Papal Encyclical

She said "Rio is nice at this time of year"

She said "Rio is nice at this time of year
With my new Brazillian I look sexy, I hear"

She said "Rio is nice at this time of year
With my new Brazillian I look sexy, I hear,
but those molten wax strips
gave me burns on the lips

So it was straight down to the pub for a beer


--------


The bar maid said "what've you bin doing?"
I replied "some billing and cooing"

But when i told her i was a pigeon fancier
She sneered "what could be nancier"

The bar maid said "what've you bin doing?"
I replied "some billing and cooing"
But when i told her i was a pigeon fancier
She sneered "what could be nancier"
Than a fruit tea infusion that's brewing.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

There was a an old sailor from Yarrow,

Who rare trod the straight and narrow

There was a an old sailor from Yarrow,
Who rare trod the straight and narrow
He'd sneak down back alleys,
Go to temperance rallies

There was a an old sailor from Yarrow,
Who rare trod the straight and narrow,
He'd sneak down back alleys,
Go to temperance rallies,
Clearly not an old boy from Harrow.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Head used to whack with a cane,

Watching a film he'd got from a Dane

"Ja-ha" he would mutter
as he whacked some poor nutter

The Head used to whack with a cane,
Watching a film he'd got from a Dane
With his victim quite bare
he'd lay a welt on her rear


sorry, got pipped again, ignore!

The Head used to whack with a cane,
Watching a film he'd got from a Dane
"Ja-ha" he would mutter
as he whacked some poor nutter
Just again, and again, and again.

================================

She woke up to some in-sistent prodding,





.

And realised she was in for a rodding

She woke up to some in-sistent prodding,
And realised she was in for a rodding
Crying "Oi Loike a good fook"
She settled down with a book

'Twas the Bible - she also loiked Godding.

=================================


There was nowt wrong with biblical 'knowing',

There was nowt wrong with biblical 'knowing',
Or doing your husband's sewing,

But if with girls he flirts
He can iron his shirts

As long as he wants to keep going.


As Mrs OFSO is in London, K the cleaning lady ironed my shirts today. Honey-blond, 30, long hair, charming face, likes wearing long dresses cut low in front...sorry, have to go and lie down. Alone.

OFSO is fighting temptation
And being subjected to damnation
To keep himself pure
There's only one cure

and it's the "C" word - circumcison or castration

A nubile young cleaner called K,
Ironed shirts for the whole of the day
To adorn the old torso
of a voyeur known as OFSO
Who could never be thought of as gay.


-------------------------------------------------------
"Whatever," he asked, "is the matter?"
K replied "It's you getting fatter",
Your shirts will not fit

"Whatever," he asked, "is the matter?"
K replied "It's you getting fatter",
Your shirts will not fit
So I'll get you some sh*t
That'll send you as mad as a hatter"

Then one day K started surfing Pprune,

As she rode around on her broom

Then one day K started surfing Pprune,
As she rode around on her broom,
Across 'OFSO' she came,
Next his posts, was his name,

Then one day K started surfing Pprune,
As she rode around on her broom,
Across 'OFSO' she came,
Next his posts, was his name,
There'll be no ironing done anytime soon.
==========================
She only does domestic duties
Despite having a pair of beauties

So there's no funny stuff,

Twixt collar and cuff,

Instead there's next door's pair of cuties



---------------



They told me they were game for a laugh

They told me they were game for a laugh
But I'd have to go half and half.
One had a nice bottom

And I was red hot on
Giving her a bloody good shaft

--------------------------------
He was enjoying three in a bed

He was enjoying three in a bed
When dear Sue in the middle, she said

Why all this huffing and puffing?
When all i want's a good stuffing,

Yer can start here, with my head



_______________

I was invited to be in a threesome
But her husband asked, could he come?
'Twas not what I had in mind

I was invited to be in a threesome
But her husband asked, could he come?
'Twas not what I had in mind
I'm mopre of the binary kind



Thanks Hydro. I can never think how to start a new lim'rick!

I was invited to be in a threesome
But her husband asked, could he come?
'Twas not what I had in mind
I'm more of the binary kind
Especially as he was my best chum

-------------------------------------.
Sexual antics can be rather tiring
So I was thinking of hiring



Thanks Hydro. I can never think how to start a new lim'rick!

RJM, think naughty fantasy... works for me!

A prick of steel,
Driven by a ruddy great wheel,




Hi gang, been packing up business etc and counting pennies n anticipation of living on fcuck all

Sexual antics can be rather tiring
So I was thinking of hiring
Two goats, and some sheep
And little Bo' Peep

Sexual antics can be rather tiring
So I was thinking of hiring
A prick of steel,
Driven by a ruddy great wheel,
By a 427 hemi powered, on all cylinders firing

Any really cheap bits of Spain available?

Sexual antics can be rather tiring
So I was thinking of hiring
Two goats, and some sheep
And little Bo' Peep,
A motor and 'lectrical wiring.




What's hit the fan, Tinny?

Is our Darwin mate tired of the wet?
He'll find Europe too cold, I'll bet,




...good to have you back tins...

And I'm betting
He'll miss constantly sweating


Yes Tinny, you've been missed!

And taking his body to the vet


Yup, good time to buy in Spain, Germans would bite yer hand off.....

The brothel's resources were stretched mighty thin
A couple of Ppruners were cavorting within



(I'll give your method a go, goudie)

The brothel's resources were stretched mighty thin
A couple of Ppruners were cavorting within
They'd used all the spares
(the boys wanted pairs)

Yup, it works!

But even with olive oil they couldn't get it all in

_______________________________________

They had metal contraptions and whips,

Not to mention studs, rivets and zips,

And handcuffs too
It was quite a do

And I picked up some bloody good tips

------------------------------------------
The ultimate fantasy must be
In bed with two lesbians or three

I now need a rub down




Wotcha Tinny!

and a fine silken gown

And tonight, Noel Coward I'll be!

---------------------------------------
She asked me if I was game

She asked me if I was game
for another 4 hours of the same
the spirit said "more!"
but the flesh was too sore;
she was a dame who just came and came.

_____________________________________


An ageing mechanic from Brighton

Would only have sex with the light on

He would draw on his cig end
As she serviced his big end,

With only an acorn to bite on.

----------------------------------------------------

A lusty young lover from Luscombe

A lusty young lover from Luscombe
Was very well padded and buxom.
Though her waist was quite slim

A lusty young lover from Luscombe
Was very well padded and buxom.
Though her waist was quite slim
her bush needs a trim
but that don't stop the boys when she fuxom.


Her after-dark treats were sought after

Her after-dark treats were sought after
By fellows intending to shaft 'er
For those with poor sight
She erected a light

And all I recall was the laughter



Tis not important, about barrel length
Muzzle velocity, there lies the strength

Tis not important, about barrel length
Muzzle velocity, there lies the strength
Dependent on charge

According to Sarge

But if counting in inches, I'm tenth.

=============================

What you need's strength in depth, said big Mable,

Who was rumoured to practice on heavy gauge cable
'Make sure that it's isolated
Or you may become bifurcated'