After a long hump
I surveyed me stump

Realising her thighs formed a very good pincer

One should be careful where one puts one's todger

Unless there's a nubile young lodger
Whom one meets on the stairs
devoid of pubic hairs

Trilling "I do like, 'ow you say, Roger"


--------------


From my toilet I can see Venus

From my toilet I can see Venus
Whilst shaking some drops from my penis
But while wiping my bum
I really have fun

From my toilet I can see Venus
Whilst shaking some drops from my penis
But while wiping my bum
I really have fun
unless I see patches of greenness.

A fungal infection's no fun

A fungal infection's no fun
Especially if you are a nun
Because sometimes those habits

A fungal infection's no fun
Especially if you are a nun
Because sometimes those habits
Can multiply like rabbits

A fungal infection's no fun
Especially if you are a nun
Because sometimes those habits
Can multiply like rabbits,
and in the oven there'll be a bun.

The mother superior was cranky

The mother superior was cranky
'Cos her knickers had gone kind of manky,
The large gusset patch,



....gusset...gusset...have to go and have a lay down ....

Had snagged on her thatch




Wake up Hobo there's limericking to do

The mother superior was cranky
'Cos her knickers had gone kind of manky,
The large gusset patch,
Had snagged on her thatch
So she called for help from Sister Skanky.
==========================
Said the sister, dear reverend mother
Do you fancy a bit of the other?

Girl on girl action
Can give satisfaction

When each others faces they smother
--------------------------------------------
She was highly bred there was no doubt
'Cos she only swore when it slipped out

To what does "slipped out" refer?
Sounds like a him not a her

She was highly bred there was no doubt
'Cos she only swore when it slipped out
To what does "slipped out" refer?
Sounds like a him not a her
No, a 4 kilo breast - she's rather stout

She described it as harmonic motion
Two breasts swinging, all covered with lotion

I was so mesmerised

I switched off the Sky

And looked on with a certain devotion.

===================================

The view from my bog seat tonight
Will not be a heavenly sight
Eight oktas of cloud
Have formed a dense shroud

The view from my bog seat tonight
Will not be a heavenly sight
Eight oktas of cloud
Have formed a dense shroud
And on final, my FO called "sh*te !"

Was that an order or an exclamation
That interrupted my cogitation?

Or a po-lite request,
That my bowels I'd divest,

And abandoned take off at rotation



----------------


In the undershoot we squealed to stop
With just a small ding in one prop

But our pants were both brown,

So when arriving in town

So we called in at the underwear shop


-------------------------



Cleaned up and fresh laundry all round

I eased out giant fart with no sound,

The old ladies started crying
They thought they were dying

They lay there and clutched at the ground

__________________________________

In a sauna it's not nice to break wind
The heat and humidity makes it a sin

And one really jumps
When fart comes in lumps

In a sauna it's not nice to break wind
The heat and humidity makes it a sin
And one really jumps
When fart comes in lumps
Whish is why in the corner, is a tin


____________________________


It's emptied each week if it's full

By wee Pooh-Pong-McPlop from South Poole,

He comes round with his bucket

looks in, says "oh, f*ck it !"
And empties it with a long tool

__________________________


When doing a lifetime of porridge
You'll want not to serve it in Norwich

As prison grub there

Is mostly jugged hare

Or anything else you can forage.

===============================

With porridge, not many words rhyme,

With porridge, not many words rhyme,
So searching the dictionary takes lots of time

With porridge, not many words rhyme,
So searching the dictionary takes lots of time
the same goes for 'orange',

But there might be a word foringe

With porridge, not many words rhyme,
So searching the dictionary takes lots of time
the same goes for 'orange',
Except Ange or flange

With porridge, not many words rhyme,
So searching the dictionary takes lots of time
the same goes for 'orange',
But there might be a word foringe
in which case, carry on, we're all fine.

With porridge, not many words rhyme,
So searching the dictionary takes lots of time
the same goes for 'orange',
Except Ange or flange
or even Ange's flange, which is prime.

Oi, show us your flange Ange, I cried

So she did and then, yes, we tried

A three-sixteenths sprocket
To which she said "focket it !"

Then I planked her - and subsequently lied.

===========================

She was grim but incredibly grateful,

She was grim but incredibly grateful
As from my tagliatella, she gobbled up a plateful
With much grated cheese

On my nob and both knees,
I'm afraid I said something quite hateful.

===========================

"I'll be back" said I, "lista da pasta"

"I'll be back" said I, "lista da pasta,
and remember to try to please master !"
But while I was gone

She danced with the Fon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fon_of_Bafut)

"I'll be back" said I, "lista da pasta,
and remember to try to please master !"
But while I was gone
She danced with the Fon
which, due to his age, was a disaster.

I opened a pack of beef jerky

As my girlfriend was feeling quite perky,

When she's in this mood

I opened a pack of beef jerky
As my girlfriend was feeling quite perky,
When she's in this mood
we like to get nude
and do what we call 'basting the turkey'.


Once dinner's done, then we have sex

Once dinner's done, then we have sex
So off up to the bedroom we trecks

Afore dippin' me wick in
I dress as a chicken

Once dinner's done, then we have sex
So off up to the bedroom we trecks
Afore dippin' me wick in
I dress as a chicken
With feathers pokin' out of me kecks.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There was an odd girl called Tessa

Who'd a fetish re: Ted the Confessor,


....nice couplet treads!....:ok:

He would stand up in court
While she did wot she ought



Thought it was a lot of cock Hobo!

Standing nude on her old kitchen dresser.

=================================

Sad to say, I was feeling lack-lustre,

Disguised as Edwina the Lesser

___________________________

Sad to say, I was feeling lack-lustre,
It was all that I could do to muster
A pretence of some strength

Sad to say, I was feeling lack-lustre,
It was all that I could do to muster
A pretence of some strength
Tho', for sure, I'd the length,
As she found when she fetched hold me cluster.

========================================

With a firm, and experienced, squeeze,

With a firm, and experienced, squeeze,
She caused me to fall to my knees
With tears in my eyes

And a comment on size,
My two love spuds, she started to tease.

=====================================

I had built up a real head of steam,

I had built up a real head of steam,
And in my eyes there were right wicked gleam
With an explosion of power

I cried out - "David Gower!"

I had built up a real head of steam,
And in my eyes there were right wicked gleam
With an explosion of power,
I cried out - "David Gower!"
And edged to the keeper it would seem.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Evening meal was well done and dusted,
And herself was looking glam and well busted,

Evening meal was well done and dusted,
And herself was looking glam and well busted,
I thought ''I'm in with a chance''

She did not even glance

When my fly was oozing out custard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her favourite song was 'Come on Eileen',
so I did, if you know what I mean

Her favourite song was 'Come on Eileen',
so I did, if you know what I mean
Eileen was not pleased
She said "Are you diseased?"

"Cos you don't seem to overly keen".

=====================

I'll admit it - I'd had too much grog,

So I missed when I went to the bog
And being a fool
I left a large pool
Which was lapped up by 'er in doors' dog


-------------------


Drunk in charge of vital equipment

Drunk in charge of vital equipment,
I was smuggling a stolen arms shipment,

Drunk in charge of vital equipment,
I was smuggling a stolen arms shipment,
I laddered me tights,
On a rifle's front sights,

Drunk in charge of vital equipment,
I was smuggling a stolen arms shipment,
I laddered me tights,
On a rifle's front sights,
partly due to my vastly engorgement

_______________________________


When carrying a load of munitions

There are usually stringent condtions
Dont leave the dets
Near Uncle Sams vets
On clandestine CIA missions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When munitions are twenty years old
To very dodgy terrorists they get sold

When munitions are twenty years old,
To very dodgy terrorists they get sold,
As for the bazooka,

Better than a nuke, eh?

Er, no, if I could be so bold.

==============================

A raddled old hag called Camilla,

Had an affair with Dusty the miller,

He'd no doubt he could find a,
More up to date grinder,

As it seems that he couldn't thrill her


---------------


"Call me Dave" was his nom-de-PPRuNe

"Call me Dave" was his nom-de-PPRuNe
Although some of us knew him as Dave-the Loon
He'd do silly tricks

"Call me Dave" was his nom-de-PPRuNe
Although some of us knew him as Dave-the Loon
He'd do silly tricks
Involving two bricks
And some string. He'll be along soon.
=======================
He uses the force of gravity
But the whole point of his depravity

He uses the force of gravity
But the whole point of his depravity
is to turn them around,
then make them bend down
and have them shout out "Phil McAvity!"


She went on the Dr Phil show

She went on the Dr Phil show
And the one thing he wanted to know
Was did she, and would she

And come to that, could he...?

She went on the Dr Phil show
And the one thing he wanted to know
Was did she, and would she
And come to that, could he...?
Do it while just wearing a black dicky bow.







In an adult club in Berlin

The pubes on her snatch were curlin'
As I commended her arse
But she threw a beer glass
And right for my groin it was hurlin'!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I said "Let's kiss and make up"

I said "Let's kiss and make up"
and drink something nice from the same cup

I said "Let's kiss and make up"
and drink something nice from the same cup
So they stalked on their prey
and then led her astray
and enjoyed a long tasty sup









Swinging is frowned on by some

Unless it is with their best chum

Swinging is frowned on by some
Unless it is with their best chum
and when she brings "a friend"
You'll enjoy your weekend

As there'll be strange things to insert in her bum.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One throws one's car-keys on the pile
A frustrated wife will select them, in a while
So off in the Ferrari

One throws one's car-keys on the pile
A frustrated wife will select them, in a while
So off in the Ferrari
after one or two campari
with the neighbour who has a nice smile









She took him into a dark room upstairs
and sat him on one of the chairs

She took him into a dark room upstairs
and sat him on one of the chairs
And there, on the other
She played the part, of mother
And complained of his uruly hairs

And producing a whip

Proceeded to strip

She took him into a dark room upstairs
and sat him on one of the chairs
And producing a whip
Proceeded to strip
And give him the first of her "dares"







She asked him to do as she says
Standing naked in nowt but a Fez

She took him into a dark room upstairs
and sat him on one of the chairs
And producing a whip
Proceeded to strip
And then told him of Goldilock's bears.

=================================

"Who's eaten my porridge?", she said,
Legs akimbo, stood there, by the bed,

"Who's eaten my porridge?", she said,
Legs akimbo, stood there, by the bed,
And feeling a quiver
in a location a-hither

"Who's eaten my porridge?", she said,
Legs akimbo, stood there, by the bed,
And feeling a quiver
in a location a-hither
quite soon that feeling had spread.







A woman with an appetite for sin

A woman with an appetite for sin
Liked the feel of hot balls on her chin

A woman with an appetite for sin
Liked the feel of hot balls on her chin
Smooth ones are the best
to bounce near her chest

If they're dunked in an ice cold pink gin.

=============================

Thus with plums in retracted position,

Accelerate to climb IAS/Mach transition,

And once in the cruise

Press the NAV, get ready for snooze

And dream of giving stews some tuition

___________________________


A firm hand is needed on the tiller

A firm hand is needed on the tiller,
Also the twist-grip on a Hiller,

And never let go

A firm hand is needed on the tiller,
Also the twist-grip on a Hiller,
And never let go
Or you'll not have a show
The result could be a real thriller.
=======================
She asked him to do as she says
Standing naked in nowt but a Fez
He though "This sounds alright."
"I reckon I might."
But it turned out she was a lez.
======================
She told him he could have done better

She told him he could have done better
His immersion suit tended to fetter,
The entwined, 'fifth position',
She'd in mind for coition,

She told him he could have done better
His immersion suit tended to fetter,
The entwined, 'fifth position',
She'd in mind for coition,
it was like a full-body french letter.


"Iceberg, dead ahead!" someone shouted

Just as she, on her boyfriend, had mounted.
"Let's do this one quickly!"
But his dick got most sickly
As the cold it never quite countered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She was carried to a lifeboat unlatched
With both of their groins still attached.
He took an icepick and hammer
To completely unjam her
But his dick ended graunched and scratched.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaaargh...Slashered! I admire your speed mate!

She was carried to a lifeboat unlatched
With both of their groins still attached.
With her drawers round her knees,
And his nuts in a squeeze,
A cunning plan, they quickly hatched.

=======================================

"It's important my wife don't find out",
Said our man, as he stared at her clout,

"It's important my wife don't find out",
Said our man, as he stared at her clout,
"Can't avoid the facts,
You need a good wax,"

"It's important my wife don't find out",
Said our man, as he stared at her clout,
"Can't avoid the facts,
You need a good wax,"
And I'm afraid your bum's a bit stout.
=========================
Not that I'm terribly picky

Not that I'm terribly picky
But I'm fussy where I put my dicky

Not that I'm terribly picky
But I'm fussy where I put my dicky
No riff raff, no whores
No girls with no drawers

Nor any poxed snatch that is sticky.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Though the day started off rather slow

Though the day started off rather slow
My wife (it was) who urged me to go
Out of the door

Though the day started off rather slow
My wife (it was) who urged me to go
Out of the door
Though I wasn't quite sure

Though the day started off rather slow
My wife (it was) who urged me to go
Out of the door
Though I wasn't quite sure,
Where to start, my wild oats, to sow.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One of the benefits of being divorced,

One of the benefits of being divorced,
Along with being bootless, and un-horsed
And having no pot to piss in
And one's Purdey's being missing
Is one feels utterly utterly lorst

___________________________

But around each bend in the road

As his series of porn flick clips showed,
Is a bird with a pout,

Who'll accept a bloke who is stout
Especially if he drives like Mr. Toad

____________________________

But around each bend in the road
As his series of porn flick clips showed,
Is a bird with a pout,
When you kiss her, no doubt
She'll quickly turn into a toad.
========================
She promised she'd never been kissed

She promised she'd never been kissed
and claimed I was first on her list

But although she was dishy,
I could smell something fishy,

And the fact she was tripping around pissed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all tell lies when we're drunk
And stink to hell like a skunk.

but we become bulletproof
and as tall as the roof

And lose count of how much we've sunk
------------------------------------------
Brewers droop makes one look a fool
As she surveys yer useless tool
She says ''we'll do it later
Meanwhile I'll use my vibrator''

Brewers droop makes one look a fool
As she surveys yer useless tool
She says ''we'll do it later
Meanwhile I'll use my vibrator''
"Not something I do as a rule."
=====================
It ran off twenty-four volts
Not vibration so much as jolts

After she'd got its measure,
She was ready to pleasure,
Harrow School's under 18 years colts.

===============================

Last years shorts, I've just found, are too tight,
They've just give me right nut a sharp bite,



....where'd everbody go.....? Is there a rerun of the build up to the highlights of Bet's visit oop North on, that I don't know about? :confused:

Last years shorts, I've just found, are too tight,
They've just give me right nut a sharp bite,
Yer'll need some more baggy
If yer scrote's a bit saggy





Been out all day in the garden Hobo, must've been 70deg:ok:

Last years shorts, I've just found, are too tight,
They've just give me right nut a sharp bite,
Yer'll need some more baggy
If yer scrote's a bit saggy
Or your ar*e hairs will shrivel up in a fright

_______________________________


This afternoon I've been working up a pole

This afternoon I've been working up a pole
and she's turned out a right dirty moll

This afternoon I've been working up a pole
and she's turned out a right dirty moll
She did such clever things
On roundabouts and swings

And she don't mind the Dominatrix role



Leather clad, with a whip in her hand

Leather clad, with a whip in her hand
She motioned to the oompah band



OFSO - Purdeys not Purdey's - a brace, surely?

Leather clad, with a whip in her hand
She motioned to the oompah band
To give some trombone,
To her old friend called Joan,

Leather clad, with a whip in her hand
She motioned to the oompah band
To give some trombone,
To her old friend called Joan,
Who excited her Bartholin's gland.
=====================
Her body was feminine perfection

Her body was feminine perfection
In me it created passionate affection
But when the lights went out

I could not find her clout,

Her body was feminine perfection,
In me it created passionate affection,
But when the lights went out,
I could not find her clout,
Which called for some deep introspection.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

While on hols in sunny Menorca,
Saw a senora, a bit of a porker,

Bag of chips in one hand,

Instead of a bikini bottom, an elastic band

She was also one hell of a talker


--------------



Her mouth was in perpetual motion

Her mouth was in perpetual motion
Tempting me to pour in a lethal potion

Her mouth was in perpetual motion
Tempting me to pour in a lethal potion
But if she'd exercise those lips

Her mouth was in perpetual motion
Tempting me to pour in a lethal potion
But if she'd exercise those lips
on something other than chips,
she would have my eternal devotion.

The lifeguards were busy that summer

The lifeguards were busy that summer
And one, a young up-and-comer
Would give mouth to mouth
A little bit south

And occasionally find the odd bummer.

================================

There's a danger of burnt norks today,

The sun's coming out, oh hooray!

So go out of town
And get nice and brown

Best take a walk down a nice shady way

----------------------------------
The British Isles in Spring

The British Isles in Spring
They make one heartstrings sing

The British Isles in Spring
They make one heartstrings sing
So come on Prince Willy,
knock off the old filly
so poms can sing "God Save The King."

Queen Kate was in bed one fine morn

The rest of us forlorne,
she nipped out of bed ....

Queen Kate was in bed one fine morn
The rest of us [were most] forlorne,
she nipped out of bed ....
And went down to her shed,

Queen Kate was in bed one fine morn
The rest of us [were most] forlorne,
she nipped out of bed ....
And went down to her shed,
But sadly the gardener had gorn.
=======================
Down by the shore were some sailors
Admiring a pair of bronze whalers
Or were they white pointers?

Down by the shore were some sailors
Admiring a pair of bronze whalers
Or were they white pointers?
'Cos they tried to anoint us,



....sorry chaps, didn't realise we'd turned the page...



.

and sent us down Jermyn Street, to their tailors

______________________________________

Where we purchased some knickers of silk

And some other stuff of that ilk

Suspenders, bright red
Which we wore happily, in bed

While we sipped on our brandy and milk.

=============================

I've just copped a couple of acres,
I've been kneed in the plums by two bakers,

So, what was my crime?
I'll tell you in time...

I 'borrowed' two pikelets* from their makers


* little bread rolls in Leicestershire dialect

little bread rolls in Leicestershire dialect
but little pancakes in some places, I expect

Little bread rolls in Leicestershire dialect
but little pancakes in some places, I expect
So on with the rhyming,
keep the post count a-climbing
lest our fine reputations be wrecked.


I tripped on a piece of dark matter

I tripped on a piece of dark matter
Causing my elbow to shatter.
The swearing you heard
Included the C word

Speaking Pprunewise, I'm sure it don't matter.

-----------------------------------------

Moving on to a different story (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-17508271),
If I 'bunged' my MP - he's a Tory,
Could I see Sam's apartment,

Moving on to a different story,
If I 'bunged' my MP - he's a Tory,
Could I see Sam's apartment,
Maybe mount her escarpment,
May be my only chance at glory
=====================
When scaling her mons veneris

You know - down where that dark curly hair is,

I came to the peak

When scaling her mons veneris
You know - down where that dark curly hair is,
I came to the peak,
gave it a tweak
and said "So, are you feeling generous?"

As it so happened, she was

As it so happened, she was
A woman who liked to be boss
And just as I feared
The handcuffs appeared

And she said "Me back teef need a floss!".

==================================

I said 'Madame, you need a good dentist
Now that I've found what your bent is.

I said 'Madame, you need a good dentist
Now that I've found what your bent is.
For a canine at the top
may any moment go "pop"

And you'd never get on 'The Apprentice'.

-------------------------------



Alan S would say: " Sunshine, you're fired"

Alan S would say: " Sunshine, you're fired"
''Listening to all this crap makes me quite quite tired''

Alan S would say: " Sunshine, you're fired"
''Listening to all this crap makes me quite quite tired''
So get back on the street
Working your beat
Perhaps there you'll be more desired.
=========================
She offered quite reasonable rates

She offered quite reasonable rates
for salty sea dogs like old Master Bates

She offered quite reasonable rates
for salty sea dogs like old Master Bates
and would screw the brains
out of Seaman Staines,
Captain Pugwash and all of his mates.


I'd rather drink than sail a schooner

I'd rather drink than sail a schooner
But with a lady, under the doona
One should be totally sober

Before one disrobes her

Or sings by the silv'ry light lunar




"What do you think?" she asked with pride

"What do you think?" she asked with pride
As I viewed her boobs from the side

They were smooth, tanned and pert,

"What do you think?" she asked with pride
As I viewed her boobs from the side
They were smooth, tanned and pert,
With no signs of dirt
But those stretch marks I couldn't abide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She had set off to search, on a day so fine,

For experienced men from the mine,
For she'd heard a coal miner,

and thought: 'nothing finer'

Than giving his willy a shine

The coal dust was engrained very deep

The coal dust was engrained very deep
Because of where she used to sleep
After a bender
She'd kip in the tender

The coal dust was engrained very deep
Because of where she used to sleep
After a bender
She'd kip in the tender,
it was rough but the prices weren't steep.


She knew all the miners by name

But I thought that her unlikely claim,
To have been in their showers,
And, there, watched them for hours,

She knew all the miners by name
But I thought that her unlikely claim,
To have been in their showers,
And, there, watched them for hours,
Would have earned her everlasting fame.
==========================
Her name was chalked on the pit wall

Her name was chalked on the pit wall
Next' a list of men's names, I recall,

Her name was chalked on the pit wall
Next' a list of men's names, I recall,
It was Eskimo Nell
The woman from hell

She was always having a ball!


-----------------


As a woman, she ticked all the boxes

As a woman, she ticked all the boxes
'Cause she liked to tweak the blokes cockses

As a woman, she ticked all the boxes
'Cause she liked to tweak the blokes cockses
And when she'd done that
She blew bubbles with her tw*t

As a woman, she ticked all the boxes
'Cause she liked to tweak the blokes cockses
And when she'd done that
She blew bubbles with her tw*t
which when popped, spread all manner of poxes.


But apart from all that, she was sweet

But apart from all that, she was sweet
And for a dollar she'd massage yer feet

But apart from all that, she was sweet
And for a dollar she'd massage yer feet
And for fifty cents more

She would slam the front door,
On both of yer nuts, and yer meat.

==============================

Thus constrained, with a long feather duster,

Thus constrained, with a long feather duster,
She tickled me balls faster and faster

Thus constrained, with a long feather duster,
She tickled me balls faster and faster
I had barred-up no less
And made a sloppy cum mess
On my feet - which did make me fluster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I cleaned up the sludge from my feet
She said "Of this I am going to Twee-t".

As I cleaned up the sludge from my feet
She said "Of this I am going to Twee-t.
For the state of this floor

I will simply ignore

As I cleaned up the sludge from my feet
She said "Of this I am going to Twee-t.
For the state of this floor
I will simply ignore
But you'll need to treat that gleet.
========================
You should always look after your health

Assuming that you have the wealth

Keep off burgers, white bread,

Secret fry-ups in yer shed

You should always look after your health
Assuming that you have the wealth
Keep off burgers, white bread,
Secret fry-ups in yer shed,
conduct them with absolute stealth.


I opened my third breakfast beer

I opened my third breakfast beer
A steak sandwich in each, I hear
It's better than cereal

Or diseases venereal

Or getting panicked by the Daily Mail, in fear

______________________________________


For there's always a new scare 'bout food,
beer, tea, coffee or ladies quite rude

At my last 'kitchen supper',
As I worked a length up 'er,

She said "Usually, I'm a bit of a prude."

You never can tell a book by its cover

Whilst composing a devlish étude


-------------




Bugger RJM'd


You never can tell a book by its cover
Or that's what I was told by my lover
When I undressed her

Amazing. I had 'Whilst composing a ---- étude'


You never can tell a book by its cover
Or that's what I was told by my lover
When I undressed her
And gently caressed her...
She said "There's much more to discover."


Won't you come in, she said with a smile

Won't you come in, she said with a smile
and be languid in bed, for a while
Or if you prefer

I could always refer,
To that time, when you missed by a mile.

================================

"The reason I missed
Is that you, ma'am, were pissed.
The target was moving,"
I told her, reproving,
"And the bed had a hell of a list."

It was a feat of human gunnery
To lay the Abbess from the nunnery
The nuns did squeak
As the bed did creak
And after, we enjoyed a nice flummery



Bored and of ideas bereft
Erotic fantasies from right and left
Just right for this thread
'Bout girls sex and bed

And the things you can do if you're deft


-------------



Whilst balanced 'twixt the bed and 'side table

Whilst balanced 'twixt the bed and 'side table
I discovered I was only just able

Whilst balanced 'twixt the bed and 'side table
I discovered I was only just able
To see the top of St Pauls

Whilst balanced 'twixt the bed and 'side table
I discovered I was only just able
To see the top of St Pauls
Whilst I made several calls,
To the Horseguards Parade forward stable.

=======================================

I was desperately needing my oats,

I was desperately needing my oats,
said Scott of the Antarctic, and I votes

That we gratefully thank,

I was desperately needing my oats,
said Scott of the Antarctic, and I votes
That we gratefully thank,
blokes like him, let's be frank
for giving us extreme weather coats.


They found themselves stuck in the blizzard

They found themselves stuck in the blizzard
Said Scott, "Chaps, this is simply wizzard"
"My bollox are frozen"

And what I'm proposin'

Will probably make our piss hard

===============================

Round the back of the Staff Sergeants' Mess,

Round the back of the Staff Sergeants' Mess,
where I first made sweet love to young Tess,