EDDNR
26th Mar 2001, 22:24
In answer to the question "What makes aircraft fly?", I have done some research and have reached a surprising conclusion.
It appears that when human beings are put under stress (such as happens when given graphic descriptions by Stewardesses of what goes on when the plane crashes, how to find the exits which are "over there somewhere" <waving arms vaguely about>, and how a giant dustbin liner is expected to service as a safety slide in the event of a ditching), the body actually emits an Air of Nervousness. This Air of Nervousness, being less dense than air, naturally floats to the top of the aircraft cabin and accumulates during the taxiing process along the runway.
When the plane reaches the end of the runway, it turns around and begins to accelerate towards the terminal building. The concrete runway surface is designed to give unnerving bumps every few yards, shaking the passengers in order to increase the stress. At the same time, machines inside the cabin begin to produced high-pitched whines and whistles to enhance the effect.
As the plane accelerates, the denser air and less dense Air of Nervousness separate, the air being pushed towards the back of the cabin, and the Air of Nervousness floating towards the front. At a certain point, the dynamics of the aircraft are upset sufficiently to raise the front of the aircraft wholly off the ground, and the rest of the plane follows - up into the sky and away.
Obviously, this process can only be sustained while the passengers are kept in a constant state of annoyance, fear, or sleeplessness. Modern airlines have developed a series of Cunning Ploys to keep the paying customers in a more or less steady state of irritation, through tricks as diverse as the Grand Turbulence Gambit, Constant Feeding to Prevent Sleep, and of course the Nightmare Kylie Radio Loop.
Hope you got back in one piece, and remember next time you fly, the safety of the whole
flight hinges solely on your anxiety!
I think you are underestimating the role of the engines. A typical jet engine develops about 50,000lbs of thrust, fueled by converting your fare in L or $ into liquid assets that can be burned. The subsequent sudden "lightening effect" on your wallet provides much of the lift.
This is why airlines are so keen on first class and business travellers as they provide a much higher lift per passenger than economy travellers.
This is probably the reason single class cheapo airlines struggle to get off the ground. A closely guarded airline secret is that air crashes are often associated with major currency fluctuations. The effect of a tuppeny devaluation of the $ against the £ on the total lift of a 747 can be catastrophic.
It is well known that countries with unstable currencies (eg Russia or India) have the worst safety records. You may have noticed that there are frequently long delays between boarding the aircraft and it taking off. This is because the pilot is studying the financial markets and buying forward before taking off, and why pilot error is often the stated cause of crashes. ie they tried to buck the market and got it wrong.
Rod
It appears that when human beings are put under stress (such as happens when given graphic descriptions by Stewardesses of what goes on when the plane crashes, how to find the exits which are "over there somewhere" <waving arms vaguely about>, and how a giant dustbin liner is expected to service as a safety slide in the event of a ditching), the body actually emits an Air of Nervousness. This Air of Nervousness, being less dense than air, naturally floats to the top of the aircraft cabin and accumulates during the taxiing process along the runway.
When the plane reaches the end of the runway, it turns around and begins to accelerate towards the terminal building. The concrete runway surface is designed to give unnerving bumps every few yards, shaking the passengers in order to increase the stress. At the same time, machines inside the cabin begin to produced high-pitched whines and whistles to enhance the effect.
As the plane accelerates, the denser air and less dense Air of Nervousness separate, the air being pushed towards the back of the cabin, and the Air of Nervousness floating towards the front. At a certain point, the dynamics of the aircraft are upset sufficiently to raise the front of the aircraft wholly off the ground, and the rest of the plane follows - up into the sky and away.
Obviously, this process can only be sustained while the passengers are kept in a constant state of annoyance, fear, or sleeplessness. Modern airlines have developed a series of Cunning Ploys to keep the paying customers in a more or less steady state of irritation, through tricks as diverse as the Grand Turbulence Gambit, Constant Feeding to Prevent Sleep, and of course the Nightmare Kylie Radio Loop.
Hope you got back in one piece, and remember next time you fly, the safety of the whole
flight hinges solely on your anxiety!
I think you are underestimating the role of the engines. A typical jet engine develops about 50,000lbs of thrust, fueled by converting your fare in L or $ into liquid assets that can be burned. The subsequent sudden "lightening effect" on your wallet provides much of the lift.
This is why airlines are so keen on first class and business travellers as they provide a much higher lift per passenger than economy travellers.
This is probably the reason single class cheapo airlines struggle to get off the ground. A closely guarded airline secret is that air crashes are often associated with major currency fluctuations. The effect of a tuppeny devaluation of the $ against the £ on the total lift of a 747 can be catastrophic.
It is well known that countries with unstable currencies (eg Russia or India) have the worst safety records. You may have noticed that there are frequently long delays between boarding the aircraft and it taking off. This is because the pilot is studying the financial markets and buying forward before taking off, and why pilot error is often the stated cause of crashes. ie they tried to buck the market and got it wrong.
Rod