Mr Vice...........help?

[Murphy]

Can anyone help me out with a decent grace for a dining out night????

[Top Bunk Tester]

Try something from the following:

http://entertaining.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.geocities.com/Athens/3680/gbm001.htm

Hope it helps

[Gainesy]

One which earned a mate a few extra duties:
"No Padre, thank God."

[BEagle]

Benedic, Domine, nos et dona tua,
quae de largitate tua sumus sumpturi,
et concede, ut illis salubriter nutriti
tibi debitum obsequium praestare valeamus,
per Christum Dominum nostrum.

[ORAC]

Good food, good wine, good god!

-------------

Oh Lord, who turned the water into wine
Forgive us here, but mortal men
About to turn it back again.

[LunchMonitor]

For those without BEagles knowledge of classical languages, a translation:


"Bless, O Lord, us and your gifts,
which from your bounty we are about to receive,
and grant that, healthily nourished by them,
we may render you due obedience,
through Christ our Lord."

Although I do prefer:

Spectacles testicles wallet and watch,
Thank the Lord for what we got.

[StopStart]

Good Bread
Good Meat
Good God
Let's Eat.

;)

[Ralf Wiggum]

Heard some great Graces in various Messes, but the best, was given by my best friend who paid a little visit to the Padre and asked for some help. Went down a storm and was fun too.

If I could remember any of it, I'd tell you, but the port flowed too well that eve.

[MarkD]

best I remember reading was some kid who offered:

"God bless this bunch as they crunch their lunch"

Interview without amenities at the Head's office followed, apparently...

[Wholigan]

Rub-a-dub-dub
Thank God for the grub

[Kiting for Boys]

Bless us Sinners

As we eat our Dinners

[Skylark4]

Forty odd years ago, when I was young, handsome and played Bass Trombone in the Station Volountary Band, we were performing at a civvy fete somewhere near Bath and the good ladies of the organising committee had laid on a quite splendid spread for us in place of the usual few sandwiches and tea. We arranged ourselves around a well laden table and were just about to tuck in heartily when this irreverent little Sergeant unexpectedly stood and announced that he would say Grace. We all interrupted the progress of cake to cakehole and stood, somewhat sheepishly. He then pronounced:-

Lord,
Give us the grace
and give us the power,
to shift this lot
in half an hour.


We did.

Happy days!

Mike W

[Night NVG Goggles]

Here's to the food on your plate
Here's to the wine in your glass
If you don't like what we are having tonight
Well, you can shove it up your
Amen

[wub]

Dear Lord, we paid for this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing

[BlueEagle]

Thanks for bread and buttered toast,
Father, Son and Holy Ghost,

or,

We thank Thee for this piece of Cod
that passeth all understanding.

[extpwron]

Shortest one I’ve heard:

“Pa Ta”

[Tinstaafl]

What happens if you're an athiest? Are you excused grace-saying duties in the UK?

[Flatus Veteranus]

No Grace, but a post-prandial toast:

"Here's to the breezes
that lift the chemises
above pretty girls' kneeses
and show us the creases
that God gave to pleases
(and give us diseases
by Jeeses!) :)

[propulike]

At a Scottish friend's wedding -

Doon wi yer heed
An up wi yer claws
An thank the good Lord
For the use o' yer jaws.

[aytoo]

O Lord, we thank thee for these 'vittles'
may they add to our souls
and not to our middles;)

[loz from glasgow]

dear lord

thankyou for breakfast, lunch and dinner
without it we would be much thinner

amen:ok:

[fobotcso]

Always a favourite in my very Scottish Mother's household:

The Selkirk Grace

Some hae meat and canna eat
An' some wad eat that want it
But we hae meat and we can eat
An' sae the Lord be thankit

Burns

Actually her version of line two was:

An' some hae nane that want it

fobs

[Scud-U-Like]

Interesting question, Tinstaafl. As an atheist, I promised myself that, if called upon to say grace, I would keep it secular. In the event, to my shame, I conformed and chuntered some pious banalities. I am, however, saving this one for the next opportunity:

"Oh gracious (insert name of supermarket or wholesaler here), we thank thee for thy bountiful gifts. Tonight we feast on generous helpings of food that were purchased from your glorious shelves. You graced us with sales on this leg of lamb for us to feast on, and two-for-one specials on frozen prawns. And we will try, in your name, to buy healthy food, so we do not succumb to the evils of the fat demons. For we know if we are wicked and eat too much of the chocolate tort we recieved, we will be under the power of the dastardly PTI for eternity. We must withstand Fat's temptation and defeat him with regular exercise. In (insert name of supermarket or wholesaler here)'s name, dig in."

[ZH875]

Some say grace should be religious
but I for one, do not believe in Jesus
The reason we are all gathered here
is to wish (use name) well and drink his/her beer
so lets say farewell to our friend (use name)
lets fill our plates
and get stuck in

[West Coast]

Rent the Ben Stiller movie of a few years ago. Meet my parents or something like that. A rather funny one in there. You may get bounced from the table for it, but the stories you can tell...

[DummyRun]

Dear Lord,

Bless my old boy
May he be noshed with an ice cube in each cheek
Amen

Load Moving.........

[In Tor Wot]

One that caused a couple of extra duties:

The Lord helps he who helps himself
But God help thoses caught helping themselves! . . . . Amen

Swiftly followed by thundering silence and hard stares

[Middle Mate]

I have been informed that my Sister would like me to say Grace at her Wedding in a few weeks time and with it not being a very religious occasion (they are not tying the knot getting married in a church = Burn In Hell :} ) I am struggling for what to say.

All my times spent at Mess functions I now wish I had written down all the classic Padre tails.

Can anyone remember any light hearted Grace speeches?

Thanks in advance

MM

[Toddington Ted]

"Oh Lord who with thy power divine
turnest water into wine
Have pity on us foolish men
who try to turn it back again"

or

"Dear Lord
Give us the strength and give us the power
to shift this food in half an hour"

or something like this anyway!:hmm:

[Rossian]

I thought it was the Devil who had the tail - I can't think of any padre of my acquaintance who had one. Only teasing - I'll be at a dining-in on Friday, I'll make a note for you and post later. Will this be in time?
The Ancient Mariner

[Gainesy]

No Padre, thank God.

[Arty Fufkin]

How about:
"Thank you Lord for the food here shown,
Speak to you later on the big white phone."
:ok:

[SirToppamHat]

Good Food
Good Wine
Good Company
Good God

STH

[muppetofthenorth]

We had recently:

Good Wine,
Good Meat,
Good God,
Lets Eat.

[22/7 Master]

Lord,

Rub a dub dub,
Thanks for the grub.

Amen

[BFLIGHT]

Two suggestions:
1. A Naval Grace, "Thank God! Amen"

2. "There once was a cock and a hen
Who gave lunch to a goose in a pen
"Good Lord" said the goose
"Bless this food for our use
And us to thy service. AMEN"

[Flarkey]

"for good food, good friends, and all the other good F's in life... we thank you lord, Amen".

or...

"rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, amen."

or...

"Ta, Pa."

[shawshank]

I always found this one had the right blend of humour and reverence...

"We thank thee Lord before we dine
For food, for friends, for laughter.
So may we feast and drink fine wine,
And still rejoice the morning after.

Amen"

[MostlyModerate]

For all this food, we thank you Lord
And all these guests we can't afford
Please bless the staff and make them stay
'Til half past three to clear away.

[MiG Eater]

Just keep it simple. We say Grace for most meals. Something like;

"Lord, we thank you for this time of fellowship, for the food and may you bless us for today. Amen."

[microlight AV8R]

Good food, good meat, good God let's eat :cool:
However, I have worked on similar lines to that immediately preceeding my suggestion. (No bottle :rolleyes: )

[foldingwings]

SELKIRK GRACE

Some hae meat
That canna eat
Some wad eat
That want it
But we hae meat
And we can eat
Sae let the Lord be thankit!

Not by Robbie Burns but often used at Burns Suppers.

[Legalapproach]

" Lord, Bless this bunch, whilst they munch their lunch"

[propulike]

"Doon wi yer heeds
An up wi yer paws
An thank the good Lord
fer the use o' yer jaws."

Also not by Robbie Burns. ;)

[indie cent]

http://z.about.com/d/animatedtv/1/0/F/9/apu_small.jpg

Good food
Good curry
Don't worry
Let's Hurry!

Brilliant.;)

[Jackonicko]

For every cup and plateful, may the Lord make us truly grateful.

[A2QFI]

Through the teeth and round the gums
Watch out stomach, here it comes!

[Middle Mate]

Thanks for your help thus far guys and gals, some real gems coming out :D

MM

[sarsteph]

Try the RAF Chaplains' Website (link below). There are some serious ones and some not so serious :} . (Some along the lines of the ones above!) You can always pic and mix. IMHO the best ones are short and sweet but funny.

http://www.raf.mod.uk/chaplains/publications/graces.doc

If you find a good one, pass it on - I'm doing a grace at my sister's wedding later in the year after I do their ceremony for them.

[Rossian]

Middle Mate
I said I'd get back to you after the dinner tonight. However the grace was fairly conventional apart from the fact that I noticed this green glow in the palm of his hand - he had it on his mobile phone??!!!!!! Nor was he embarrassed when teased about it.
The Ancient Mariner

[sarsteph]

Ancient Mariner

you've got to move with the times old chap!!:E

In my defence, I had the phone switched off and used the PDA - it was a dining-in after all :)

[BleepBleep]

This is one I've used myself when asked as Mr Vice where there's not been a Padre:

Bless this food and those who serve us,
And from indigestion Lord preserve us.

Even if you don't use itI hope it all goes well.

[opmas]

I have been directed here when looking for a suitable NEW grace.

The one I normally use and which is very good and can be adapted by changing the "golfing" to anything relevant on the night is:

Gentle Jesus so divine
Who turned the water into wine
Look down upon these golfing men
Who aim to turn it back again

[jamier]

Hi guys and girls,

ive been elected to be mr vice at our squadrons disbandment dining in night and just wondering if you guys and girls could help me with providing me with information on what to say etc i would be very very grateful

Regards

Jamie

[frodo_monkey]

Be funny, and throw in a large pause before "The Queen". Happy to help!

[cynicalint]

Mention/don't* mention pink skirting boards, wandering sunderland floats or additions to painted numbers on Sqn roofs and that 206 is now the only remaining sqn number, albeit in a different role!
* delete as needed.

[downsizer]

Crusader eh?

Search for Mr Vice on www.e-goat.co.uk (http://www.e-goat.co.uk) plenty of advice to be found there as well....

[Wander00]

As I recall the CESR syllabus, the only brief required by Mr Vice is to be able to repeat the toast(s) as propsed by the PMC. Anything else is siperfluous, especially additions like "God bless her cotton socks" as was heard on one occasion. What happens after the top table has left the dining room is down to Mr Vice, and the depth of his pockest!

[Rossian]

....however comma the one to the queen's consort is always a bit of a mouthful and you aren't the first to lose track of it all. (Mind you, the PMC's jab of "get it right" probably didn't help you).

It was a great night.

The Ancient Mariner

[Duncan D'Sorderlee]

Rossian,

Last night's Mr Vice biffed the toast to the Queen's consort! Other than that it was a fantastic night; albeit with a tinge a sadness at the approaching demise of our maritime capability. No pianos were burned; however the remnants of a a 'harmonium' can be found outside the Officers' Mess!

Duncs

[Roland Pulfrew]

Other than that it was a fantastic night; albeit with a tinge a sadness at the approaching demise of our maritime capability.

Strange that freak dust storm hitting the Dining Room just as the Squadron Standard was marched out for the final time. :sad: More than a few people seem to have got dust in the eye.

[Joe Black]

Last night's Mr Vice almost came out with "The Greek"! Fantastic night but gutted as it's a true end of an era.

[Rector16]

Lead the guests in after the Mess staff call 'Dinner is Served'; stay sober enough to talk straight at the end for the toasts. Hopefully it will just be 'The Queen', maybe 'the Heads of State here Represented' (hence the stay sober advice - try that mouthful after a few!). Once the Top Table have departed, go and sit in the CO's chair and tell a joke or 2 - you're just killing time to allow the 'Old and Bold' to get their orders in at the bar. No need to take too long - empty the port decanters and get the junior team to the bar - Job Done!:ok:

PS - enjoy it, you have a part to play on a memorable night.

[Peter Carter]

Try: Ladies and Gentlemen - glaze your arses to the queer old dean.

or, as is rumoured at a guest night in Akrotiri in the late 60s during Harold Wilson's PM-ship: 'Ladies and Gentlemen - the Military Coup'.

[Tankertrashnav]

Dont get so pissed that you join in and help your neighbours pass a rope made of napkins through the legs of your chair - not realising that its sole purpose was to stop you pushing your chair back to stand at the appointed time.

I did :O

[Pontius Navigator]

maybe 'the Heads of State here Represented'

That is a modern cop out.

It used to be a good chance of a reload especially when there were several states there.

One was His Excellency the Shar of Persia but the best was one where we were all assembled in the afternoon for a practice:

"Mr Vice, His Beatitude Archbishop Makarios the third of Cyprus."

Mr Vice duly repeated the toast with the room resounding to

"Black Mac" and the glasses hitting the table.

On the night however the solemnity of the occasion prevented any of the sniggers etc from the afternoon. Maybe the practice had been a good idea.

At one station in deepest Lincolnshire we had a practice lunch for fag-ash lil. Everyone was dressed in their finery, wives and all. The only thing was that most of those at the rehearsal were NOT invited to the main event.

[teeteringhead]

One was His Excellency the Shar of Persia .....: I can still recall (and I'm much younger than PN!) having to toast the Shah of Persia as Mr Vice at an overseas Station - when the desert was nowhere near as "popular" as it is now.

I can just about still recall it......

"His Serene Highness Mohammed Reza Pahlahvi, Shananshah [tr. King of Kings], Arymiarr [tr. Light of the Aryans!] and denizen of the Peacock Throne!"

....E&OE - it was a long time ago.....

[Pontius Navigator]

TH, so you would agree that the present toast is a complete cop out.

[Vortex_Generator]

Quick question, what is the correct form of address if vice is female?

[Tankertrashnav]

Madam Vice conjures up some amazing images ;)

[Miles Magister]

Depending on which Sqn you are, you need to organize for the mess clock on the roof to stop at 1:20. That always winds up OC admin but we always started it again round about Thursday just before they bought in a clock maker to repair it. If you need to know how to do it then PM me.

[Wensleydale]

Madam Vice conjures up some amazing images


I prefer "Mistress Vice"!

[orgASMic]

Do not, under any circumstances:

a. Try to match the older and bolder sat near you drink for drink, egged on by your stupid, drunk 'mates'.

b. Try to leave a 10 second gap between 'Ladies and gentlemen' and 'The Queen'. Especially if you count the 10 seconds aloud.

c. Take your wine glass with you when the PMC demands your presence at the top table for explanations for serials a and b above.

d. Need the support of diners and tables to get to the PMC for the aforementioned 'chat'.

e. Vomit noisily and copiously on the new dining room carpet during the Stn Cdr's speech.

f. Need putting to bed by the padre when the PMC finally loses his rag.

g. Have your girlfriend awaiting your 'attentions' in your room when the padre finally gets you there.

h. Get chopped for lack of OQs for serials a to g above.

Linton on Ouse circa 1996. I was one of the older and bolder.

[teeteringhead]

TH, so you would agree that the present toast is a complete cop out. ... absolutely PN.

I can also still recall (from the same D-I-N) "His Majesty Sultan Qaboos bin Said bin Taimur al Saidi!"

Although a little later than the above - prob early 80s - I had a "discussion" with a PMC who wouldn't toast individual Heads of State of our exchange officers - USAF and FAF IIRC. He claimed it was all laid down in 3223 as to who could toast whom and when - must look it up one day (if 3223 still exists).

I still think it's bl%%dy rude. How offended would we feel if HM (Gawd Bless 'Er) were toasted elsewhere as merely a "Head of State here Represented".

[Old-Duffer]

TTH,

My recollection is that it was acceptable to toast individual heads of state up to four and thereafter it was 'Heads of State, here represented'.

I always avoided problems as a PMC by briefing the overseas officers on 'the form' before the event and ensuring they were comfortable with the customs being used.

On one occasion, I was the 'host' at a luncheon for the entire corps of Defence Attaches in London - the seating plan was the nightmare on that occasion but another story for another day!

Old Duffer

[DSAT Man]

RAF Stafford, late eighties. We always toasted the Heads of State of the 2 international Liaison Officers. Made sure that young Plt Off Stacker poured as much booze down his gullet as possible then sat back and watched him try to say... 'Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the Federal Republic of Germany.':E

[Exascot]

If called on for Grace as RC warns:

'For eggs and beans and buttered toast thank Father Son and Holy Ghost', would suffice. We trust however that the catering is somewhat more imaginative even given the contract catering you poor chaps (and Ladies) have to endure these day. Apologies to any companies who do actually come up to the standards of, 'years gone by'. Standing by for the flak.

[Wensleydale]

'For eggs and beans and buttered toast thank Father Son and Holy Ghost'


Was at the DiN for a departing Padre who used the above line but added:

"But for those of us who are dining free may we also thank the PMC".

[FantomZorbin]

A certain venerable Wg Cdr* was heard to utter:

"O Jesus Christ O Lord Devine who turned water into wine, have mercy on us mortal men about to turn it back again".

*I'm sure he wasn't the only one to use it.

[teeteringhead]

Or for a daytime function (Top Table?) ...

...."God Bless this Bunch while they munch their Lunch"

[Wander00]

A friend of mine, Padre Ray Hubble, had a nice line in pre-prandial graces, many of which which resurfaced during his 5 years a Hon Chaplain to the Royal Lymington Yacht Club.

[Frank Arouet]

Been asked to say Grace at for an Army reunion dating back 35 years.

Notwithstanding the fact that only three of us are known left, do any of you have original ideas that don't involve too much sadness, religion or excessive humour.

Google has not been my friend so far.

[PLovett]

As a 16 year old I spent a week as a guest of the RAN where Grace was said before each meal. As I recall it was somewhat basic:

For what we are about to receive, thank God.

Not only was the Grace basic but so was the food. I didn't feel like thanking anyone for some of the mess that was served masquerading as food.

I should have added that there was considerable emphasis on the "thank God" to the extent that it was almost shouted. Perhaps the fellow knew something about the kitchen staff that the rest of us didn't. :E

[tezzer]

Father in Law's favourite is

We thank the Lord for what we've had,if there'd been more, we would have been glad.

[Capetonian]

As this appears to be a serious question, I'll answer in the same manner.

"As we enjoy this meal and good company, let us also remember those of our friends, families and colleagues who are no longer with us, and the many people both near and far who are less fortunate than ourselves."

[11Fan]

Good food, good meat.
Good God, let's eat.

[UniFoxOs]

My favourite is the Selkirk Grace, pity it's normally only kept for Burns night and Scottish events:-

Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

[Hydromet]

Grace said in a classical sounding language has the advantage that it will offend no one, while giving the impression that the speaker is an educated person. For example:

Anusol nivea gees linctus
Brovat persilomo domestos
Previa lexus laguna mondeo avensis.

[teeteringhead]

For a midday meal:

God bless this bunch while they munch their lunch.

or more generally:

We beseech Thee, Lord Divine - who changed the water into wine,
Look down with grace on us poor men - who turn the darn stuff back again! :ok:

[zab]

As a kid in a not very religious family we used this:

Rub, dub dud (while rubbing stomachs)
thanks for the grub

[Frank Arouet]

Capetonian;

Just the sort of thing I was thinking about, thanks mate.

I'll have to work on an accent for the rest.:suspect:

[G-CPTN]

A non-religious version of the above:-

For what we are about to receive, may we all be truly thankful.


Otherwise:- Dinner Blessings (http://prayer-and-prayers.info/dinner-blessings/)

[handsfree]

For what we are about to receive, may we all be truly thankfu

or as used to be said at school dinners

For what we are about to receive, may the good Lord provide the antidote

[er340790]

My Dad came up with a classic at my cousin's wedding years back....

"Oh Lord, make us not stodgy like porridge, but SNAP, CRACKLE and POP like rice crispies!"

[Slasher]

For what we are about to receive, may we all be truly thankful.

Sounds more like a pre gang-bang prayer!


Suggestions -

Lord we thank thee for this sumptuous feast of thy
bounty, and the nice pizza bloke who delivered it.

Dear God, except the horrible liver and those brussels
fcuking sprouts, we give thanks for what we're about
to pig out on.

[Cacophonix]

rs7MlrxOOWg

[Union Jack]

Google has not been my friend so far.....

Frank-ly, my dear, I do give a damn - try:

http://www.pprune.org/military-aircrew/81297-mess-graces.html :ok:

Jack

[Loose rivets]

Hostess' dinner party line.

"My brother will say grace."


There was a suitable pause.


"Grace."


Without a further word, hostess and her brother began eating.

[11Fan]

Dear God :rolleyes:

sHp8er2yBoY

[G-CPTN]

hTaFkahld50

[parabellum]

"Thanks for bread and buttered toast, father, Son and Holy Ghost"


or,

"Dear Lord what piece of Cod is this that passeth all understanding?"

[Sleeping]

Benedictus, Benedicat per Jesum Christum Dominum Nostrum (Blessed is He and may he bless [this food] Amen

Makes you sound a bit educated - like.

[Gordy]

Ifen tis Latin you want:

Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis. = I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

quidquid latine dictum sit altum viditur = anything said in Latin sounds profound

Sum, ergo edo. = I am, therefore I eat.

[langleybaston]

Please could PPRUNERS contribute a few RAF-appropriate toasts.

Regiment-orientated would be much appreciated.

My last Grace before meal, not very good, was:

Oh God who makes the the clouds ** thy chariots
Please bless for us our peas and cariots.

** as in meteorology!

[ShyTorque]

“To our wives, girlfriends, ladies and lovers……and may they never meet!”

Something along those lines was proposed at an oppressively humid outdoor dinner night by the Station Commander at RAF Gutersloh (the late Mike Steer, I believe). It was immediately followed by a very loud clap of thunder and said Group Captain nearly fell off his chair!

[langleybaston]

“To our wives, girlfriends, ladies and lovers……and may they never meet!”

Something along those lines was proposed at an oppressively humid outdoor dinner night by the Station Commander at RAF Gutersloh (the late Mike Steer, I believe). It was immediately followed by a very loud clap of thunder and said Group Captain nearly fell off his chair!

Thank you. Trouble with that one is the increasing number of ladies present, and indeed one might be asked to Toast. Makes wording complicated [never mind "other persuasions"]

I do hope the thunder was "in the forecast" even if only a PROB 10

[ShyTorque]

There were lots of wives at the dinner night in question… Many thought he deserved to be struck by the bolt of lightning!

[Wensleydale]

Grace at a Padre's Dining Out:

"Oh Jesus Christ, our Lord divine
Who turned the water into wine,
Have mercy on us wicked men
About to turn it back again".

[meleagertoo]

“To our wives, girlfriends, ladies and lovers……and may they never meet!”


Usually rendered simply as "Wives and sweethearts. May they never meet" but then it's a Naval toast so Heaven knows how it gets delivered in Guttersloh.
Wednesday's Naval toast is traditionally "Ourselves (as no one is likely to concern themselves with our welfare.)" There are earthier versions...

The grace I always liked was "Good friends, good meat, good God, let's eat", a commendable improvement on the earnest, endless hand-wringing platitudes you get when the "Bish" is invited to perform that office.

[Peter Carter]

Here's a couple of graces:

O God whose gifts to us imply/ regale(??)
the knowledge enabling us to fly/sail
we are thankful Lord, you did not o’erlook
the skills of Steward and of Cook
So bless this food to our use. Amen.
Lord though it is time of the Lenten fast
we pray Thee excuse this night’s repast
For should over-indulgence be our intent
In the morning Lord we shall truly repent!
Bless this food to our use. Amen.
God bless this bunch of hungry souls
and God bless those who fill our bowls
but as we ponder the speed of flight
May we never of Thee, O Lord, lose sight. Amen.

[Bergerie1]

Oh God, thy sea is so great
And my boat is so small
There is food on my plate
We give thanks for it all.

(Substitute sky and plane as you wish)

[effortless]

Wa’s like uz? Damn few and they’re ai deed!

[ExAscoteer2]

A certain Finningley Padre:

Rub a dub dub. Thank God for the grub.

[gsky]

​​​​​​ A nos femmes, à nos chevaux et à ceux qui les montent

[Herod]

Bless this bunch; as they crunch their lunch

[Ninthace]

We seem to be confusing graces and toasts but it is fun reading and thinking back to the last time I heard them.

[langleybaston]

Yes, more Toast please. Surely the regiment has something specific?

An anecdote from author John Masters, when Mr Vice, unfortunately rat-arsed, was invited "the King!".

"Bloody hell, show the bugger in and give him a drink! [this is the gist, my Masters collection is in a cold spidery attic]

[MPN11]

“Quentlemen, the Geen” may be anecdotal.

[cheekychimp]

A simple "Per Ardua" or "The Corps" should do. It's what is generally said.

[ex-fast-jets]

Good Friends
Good Meat
Good God
Let's Eat

[MPN11]

OK, Grace. After a period of a an RC Padre whose Grace was more like a sermon, we had a new senior Padre of the NC persuasion. His first Grace generated an inappropriate round of applause.

"Thank God"

[Ascend Charlie]

In the early 70s, at the first Dining-In Night to which female officers were invited, Mr Vice called everybody to their feet to toast the Queen with this:

"Gentlemen.........and gentlemen without balls..."

[Hydromet]

From long ago, when you were allowed to smoke after the loyal toast..."Gentlemen, the Queen. You may now bring your cigarettes out from under the table."

[gums]

Salute!

A variation of an old English toast, but my VietNam flight of fame uses it when we meet and greet and hug...

So hold your goblets steady,
For we come from the brotherhood that flies,
We toast to the dead already,
and a low fast pass for the next man that dies!

Gums sends...

[Maxibon]

A favourite of mine, from an F15 driver I was crewed with on the OCU was:

Here's to you and here's to me;
Friends forever we shall be;
But if by chance we disagree,
well then f**k you and here's to me!

[Sleeve Wing]

The shortest grace I ever heard in a Wardroom was similar to MPN11,
"For what we are about to receive, Thank God ".
Used it at another function and it did a lead balloon impression, followed by a long pregnant pause .............
Next time, Hoskins............. :rolleyes:

[Ninthace]

The shortest grace I heard was “God help us”. The stress and punctuation depend on the circumstances and the quality of the catering before you.

[anxiao]

Called on at ten seconds notice to say grace at a formal dinner which was attended by several RC priests of maturing years, I managed to come up with the old (state) school one.
Benedictus, Benedicat, per Jesum Christum Dominum Nostrum

It got nods of approval from the clergy who had been expected to avoid the Tridentine Mass and preach in the vernacular since 1964.

[just another jocky]

Salute!

A variation of an old English toast, but my VietNam flight of fame uses it when we meet and greet and hug...

So hold your goblets steady,
For we come from the brotherhood that flies,
We toast to the dead already,
and a low fast pass for the next man that dies!

Gums sends...

Top! :ok:

[NRU74]

Called on at ten seconds notice to say grace at a formal dinner which was attended by several RC priests of maturing years, I managed to come up with the old (state) school one.
Benedictus, Benedicat, per Jesum Christum Dominum Nostrum

It got nods of approval from the clergy who had been expected to avoid the Tridentine Mass and preach in the vernacular since 1964.

I went to a fairly ordinary Grammar School and we sang it each lunchtime !

[Wensleydale]

Called on at ten seconds notice to say grace at a formal dinner which was attended by several RC priests of maturing years, I managed to come up with the old (state) school one.
Benedictus, Benedicat, per Jesum Christum Dominum Nostrum

It got nods of approval from the clergy who had been expected to avoid the Tridentine Mass and preach in the vernacular since 1964.

And on a Friday, it was:

"The piece of cod which passeth all understanding".

[Gordon Brown]

In the early 70s, at the first Dining-In Night to which female officers were invited, Mr Vice called everybody to their feet to toast the Queen with this:

"Gentlemen.........and gentlemen without balls..."

And now this would be appended thus:

Ladies……and ladies with balls…”

[Union Jack]

The shortest grace I heard was “God help us”. The stress and punctuation depend on the circumstances and the quality of the catering before you.
One word longer was "Thank God, no padre".

Jack

[Sue Vêtements]

Went to a rugby club do at Uni and the guest speaker started off with: "I have an exercise to make my penis twelve inches long" followed by a pause and then: "It's simple, I just fold it half"

That seemed to do the trick, but if it's a little bold for you, there's always the tried and tested "I have worked alongside many people in my career ... and you are some of them"

[langleybaston]

Went to a rugby club do at Uni and the guest speaker started off with: "I have an exercise to make my penis twelve inches long" followed by a pause and then: "It's simple, I just fold it half"

That seemed to do the trick, but if it's a little bold for you, there's always the tried and tested "I have worked alongside many people in my career ... and you are some of them"

Slight digression: our Upper VIth form had a tradition of using the wrong words for the usual Day One hymn of each term: we sang

Lord dismiss us with thy blessing,
Once again assembled here!

The Head was a decent sort, with a sense of humour and routinely failed to hear the mutiny ....... the Deputy Head [official wielder of the cane] bristled, huffed and puffed but fell into line.

Mea culpa, but keep the Toasts coming please.

[Ninthace]

In all my military career, I have only ever seen the Loyal Toast done, what I would regard properly, once by a Mr Vice who had the courage of his convictions

"Ladies and Gentlemen" long pause to wait for everyone to be upstanding then, when quiet falls "The Queen,".

[PlasticCabDriver]

At a ladies guest night I attended many years ago (I forget where) a holding officer Mr Vice, somewhat in his cups, began his post-top-table-leaving entertaining duties with “does anyone mind if I tell a paedophile joke?”, and then took the subsequent complete silence as his cue to do just that.

The top table were surprised at how quickly they were joined in the bar, as many of the ladies just got up and walked out of the dining room.

[MENELAUS]

In all my military career, I have only ever seen the Loyal Toast done, what I would regard properly, once by a Mr Vice who had the courage of his convictions

"Ladies and Gentlemen" long pause to wait for everyone to be upstanding then, when quiet falls "The Queen,".


Not done properly if they were upstanding then !!

[MPN11]

For some obscure Happy Hour reason, a shrub growing on top of the old gun butts [clearly visible from the Bar at Watton [Eastern Radar]] was named Tonto as it vaguely [through the alcoholic haze] resembled a person on horseback.

For a brief period, after the Loyal Toast, the Mess raised their glasses to "Tonto". We even had an unofficial Unit plaque produced!

https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/pprune.org-vbulletin/290x338/screenshot_2022_11_23_at_18_15_42_b1e766f2b038e75f28cc9490c2 b8386640944a0d.png

[Ninthace]

Not done properly if they were upstanding then !!
For the first 5 and a bit years I served, we drank the Loyal Toast seated, then I had a trip the the tailors and after that it was always drunk standing. When I was a student, it was “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Duke of Lancaster”

[Mogwi]

Back in the days of tobacco, after the Loyal Toast, it was sometimes “ Gentlemen, the Queen is drunk, you may smoke!”

Mog

[BEagle]

If there was an exchange officer attending, after the Loyal Toast would come "Heads of State here represented" - but if only USAF, it would be "The President of the United States of America"...

If there was a salon orchestra, a few bars of the relevant national anthem would be played next. Which was fine until one day, after "The Star Spangled Banner" had ended, someone yelled "PLAY BALL!".

Cue VERY frosty looks from the PMC and a few days of Orderly Officer for the miscreant!

[kiwi grey]

And on a Friday, it was:

"The piece of cod which passeth all understanding".

Which should be properly attributed to R. J. Yeatman and W. C. Sellar, the authors of "1066 and all that", which included a chapter titled "School food: The piece of cod which passeth all understanding"

[Old-Duffer]

I always thought that the Grace before sitting down, could set the trend for the inevitable banter during the meal. However it often required a 'certain type' of padre to give it or someone with a natural flair who could make an amusing and appropriate Grace.

The best I think I heard, was when my wife (Mrs Old Duffer) was stationed at Cottesmore - the Grace was delivered by a Luftwaffe officer, in full highland rig and a scots accent at the start of a Burns Night Dinner; I don't remember the words but it brought the house down and set the tone for a fabulous evening.

Old Duffer

[PlasticCabDriver]

If there was an exchange officer attending, after the Loyal Toast would come "Heads of State here represented" - but if only USAF, it would be "The President of the United States of America"...

If there was a salon orchestra, a few bars of the relevant national anthem would be played next. Which was fine until one day, after "The Star Spangled Banner" had ended, someone yelled "PLAY BALL!".

Cue VERY frosty looks from the PMC and a few days of Orderly Officer for the miscreant!

…followed inevitably by someone getting agitated because Canada has been forgotten, followed by a Canadian voice bellowing “who the bloody hell do you think our head of state is you *********!”

[BEagle]

I would hate to think that Canada had been forgotten abooot, eh?

[Tarnished]

Toast:

To gunpowder and women,
Live for one, die by the other
Love the smell of them both

[meleagertoo]

Why/how is playing Star Spangled Banner not playing ball?

[cavuman1]

Birds do it and fly.
Bees do it and die.
Dogs do it and stick to it,
Why don't you and I?

- Ed

[Union Jack]

I always thought that the Grace before sitting down, could set the trend for the inevitable banter during the meal. However it often required a 'certain type' of padre to give it or someone with a natural flair who could make an amusing and appropriate Grace.

The best I think I heard, was when my wife (Mrs Old Duffer) was stationed at Cottesmore - the Grace was delivered by a Luftwaffe officer, in full highland rig and a scots accent at the start of a Burns Night Dinner; I don't remember the words but it brought the house down and set the tone for a fabulous evening.

Old Duffer
This would almost certainly have been "The Selkirk Grace", formerly known as "The Galloway Grace" or "The Covenanters' Grace" before Robert Burns took to using it regularly following a dinner in Selkirk , namely:

Some hae meat an' canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it;

But we hae meat, and we can eat,

And sae the Lord be thankit.

Jack

[cynicalint]

Here's to king Herod, who was to baby sitting as I am to toasts. And here's to the chef, whose efforts are well meant, but nothing will beat the RAF (pronounced RAAF) Regiment.

[Null Orifice]

Why/how is playing Star Spangled Banner not playing ball?

I believe post #39 by Mr BEagle answers your query:
"...after "The Star Spangled Banner" had ended, someone yelled "PLAY BALL!".
The USA anthem is usually played before the World Series baseball final (and perhaps others?) followed by the words quoted above.

[Peter Carter]

There was a rumour around 1970, during the worst of the Wilson government, at a Dining In at Akrotiri, Mr Vice stood and announced ‘Ladies & Gentlemen, the military coup’.

[judyjudy]

I haven't been to a baseball game in ages, but it used to be that every game would start with the national anthem. Immediately after it finished, the head umpire would should "PLAY BALL!" as an indication that the game had officially started.

[Q-SKI]

Anyone remember the 230 Sqn dining out at Gutersloh of the Sqn MO when the python 🐍 escaped under the table? Delightful mayhem, don’t think we got around to post dinner toasts 🥂

[Ninthace]

I remember a cabbage being turned to cole slaw before the loyal toast at Gütersloh, and there was the bouncy castle catastrophe shortly after I left but Eric (It was Eric wasn't it) getting loose - no.

[Q-SKI]

Maybe it was Eric the python 🐍

[Addlepate]

Which should be properly attributed to R. J. Yeatman and W. C. Sellar, the authors of "1066 and all that", which included a chapter titled "School food: The piece of cod which passeth all understanding"

Willans and Searle in one of the Molesworth books, surely?

[wrecker]

There was a rumour around 1970, during the worst of the Wilson government, at a Dining In at Akrotiri, Mr Vice stood and announced ‘Ladies & Gentlemen, the military coup’.
Was set as a sydicate task at Staff College Sandhurst in the 1970s

[modtinbasher]

Was at a DIN at St Athan many, many years ago when the said Canon was invited to dine on the top table and speak. One of the most entertaining DIN talks I've ever heard over some 30 years.

He was about 5 foot nothing but verily I say unto you, the earth seemed to move when he spoke!

He started with "SINNERS ALL!" Delivered with force you would not imagine.

And didn't we sit up and listen! He spoke about cradle to the grave, but HE looked after folks from the "sperm to the worm".

I thought at the time if I wasn't a godbotherer then, if I lived in Swansea and was a visitor to his church, then I soon would be so.

MTB

[albatross]

Grace : “ Rubba dub dub, Thanks for the grub, Yea God!” also “Buddha, Buddha thank you for the bread and budda.”
Delivered by a Catholic priest at 2 separate occasions.
His speeches and sermons where short, on point and often humorous.
He was quite a character having played professional ice hockey.
He later formed a hockey team of other priests called “The Flying Fathers” who played local teams and even the occasional NHL team at charity events. Biggest bunch of cheaters you ever saw. ( kind of like the “Harlem Globetrotters” of basketball fame. )

[meleagertoo]

A Jacobite toast.

God bless the King! - I mean, the Faith's defender...
God bless - no harm in blessing? the pretender.
But who pretender is, and who is King...
God bless us all! That's quite another thing.

[12in95]

1977 RAF Marham - lunch for Her Majesty who was our Honorary Air Commodore for this, her silver jubilee year. Station Commander, Benny Jackson, gives the loyal toast " Ladies and gentlemen - the King/Queen". (/ = micro pause). He told me afterwards that he had been rehearsing those few words for weeks and could not think where the change came from. Although sadly no longer with us, he did make AVM, so not too much harm done!!

[2Planks]

I remember the padre at Nortolt the night before the rugby world cup final 2003 finishing the grace with "and God bless Jonny Wilkinson's boot".

must have had a more direct line than most!

[AR1]

Lord of heavenly vestibules
we give thanks for these comestibles
provided they give us not indigestibles
and cause problems with our intestinables
Amen.