Top 10 lies in ATC

[Here to Help]

With tongue firmly in cheek here are the top 10 lies told in Australian ATC (with their actual meanings in brackets). Some are to pilots, some are to other ATCs.

"Call you back"
("I didn't see who that was calling and I don't care")

"In with a ground station, say again?"
("I was talking to Simo about Saturday night")

"....just beat me to it"
("I didn't even see it")

"Will advise if direct tracking becomes available"
("I'm not even going to check, it's too much work")

"Yeah, I've seen those two, thanks"
("Sh!t!")

"Yeah, I already told him to call"
("Who?")

"Do you want me to put speeds on those two?"
("I just noticed the 120kts closing")

"The Flow has changed the sequence again"
("I forgot to do any sequencing at all")

"Take your time coming back from your break"
("You'd better bloody be back on time 'coz I want to get out")

"Not sure what happened there, but I'm reading you 5"
("I was plugged in to 'Monitor'")

[Kenny]

And my own personal favourite, since returning to Australia to fly.......

At 6000' on a downwind for 34R, abeam the runway.

SYD ATC: "You have 22 track miles to run. descend 4000."

(Get ready lads, I'm going to turn you in for a 5 mile final and take bets on whether you can do it)

[waren9]

What about

"Will advise if higher becomes available..."
(P1ss off, I've just sat down with a hot coffee and doughnuts)

and my personal favourite straight after a request for higher

"Contact centre on XXX.X with that request..."
(P1ss off, I've just sat down with a hot coffee and doughnuts)

[Stiff Under Carriage]

Gold Kenny!

...Reduce to min speed...

(cause I'm hung over and things are happening too quickly)

[tea & bikkies]

Or when requesting clearance on delivery

"Standby"

(The jug is boiling)

[Ultralights]

"expect delay of 15 minutes due traffic"

i just sat down with my coffee and doughnuts.

[Aye Ess]

As the aircraft approaches the holding point with no aircraft within 50nm.

Pilot "Ready for immediate departure"

Tower (watching through binoculars til he sees nose oleo compress,then extend & aircraft is fully stopped)

"clear for take off"

[The Guru]

"Holding is required. Expect holding at BULGA, reach Flight Level 220 by BULGA, reduce to minimum speed."
(I'm going to screw this FMS programming as soon as they want descent)

followed closely by

"Cancel the hold, max speed to the field, cancel speed restrictions above and below 10000"
(I really need some entertainment as we approach peak hour, and this is going to be fun to watch)

[beat ups are fun]

hahaha I'm going to be be really pissed if the mods move this to Jet Blast. nothing like the Friday night funnies

[rocket66]

I love it when you hear a student on the ground in class c for the first time. They struggle and grapple with some long pauses and background coaching from the instructor for thier airways clearence finally getting it spat out in a half correct format followed by ground saying "xxx contact clearance delivery for airways clearance".

You can just imagine the students heart sink when he/she hears thier up for all that again with ACD!

[Ex FSO GRIFFO]

ABC - 'XX Centre, ABC ready for descent whoop whoop, req tfc.'

ATC - 'ABC, are you in IMC?'

ABC - 'Affirm'.

ATC - 'ABC - No Traffic.'

Cheers:ok::ok:

[Josh Cox]

Oh and you guys think this lying thing is one way ?:O.

* I'll recycle my transponder and see if that helps,
* "Yes, we're maintaining FL340" as they bust through 345,
* Nothing heard on 121.5, and,
* Two in together (after missing three or four call, due to talking about something that would get me banned on pprune).


Absolutley certain there are more......

[Aye Ess]

ATC "Confirm you are tracking direct? You appear to be 10miles left of track & diverging"

Pilot "Ah,you are breaking up.....stand by" (massive course correction to the right) "Say again"

[lostwingnut]

Best pilot excuse ".... due weather", applies to anything including off track or blasting through altitude.

A honest ATC moment a couple years ago:
ATC: Standby
12 minutes later
ABC: Darwin Approach XXX?
ATC Whoops, sorry forgot you were there.

Lost

[Jack Ranga]

Half of my lies are caused by Maestro :E

(FPOFS) effing peice of french sh!t :ugh:

[Wally Mk2]

I wouldn't want ATC's job for all the tea in China. Fancy having to put up with us lot of princesses!:E
I say harden the truck up you lot:E

Med 1 to destination..............change of Freq. Vh-xxx turn left hdg xxx (about 30 deg's off trk) Sorry Mr ATC-er we are Med 1 require tracking direct to XX..............long pause by ATC as he goes to slap previous controller across face for not telling him we where Med 1............xxx continue tracking direct xxx.....love it:ok:
The guys do a great job in the face of some dumb rules!


Wmk2

[Two_dogs]

Friend of mine on approach in C310.

ATC: Can you reduce by 30Kts, you're catching the B717 in front,is that the normal approach speed for that aircraft type?
Friend: It is when I'm flying it!

[farrari]

The Guru, I had that many times as well. In fact they have then added later on,
Reduce to min speed for sequencing and then cancel sid track direct to 5 mile final. Many times in looks as though the left hand doen't know what the right is doing. :eek:

[Aye Ess]

ATC to VFR a/c "Confirm you can continue visual & what is the base & weather conditions"

VFR pilot "Affirm can continue visual. Base appears 1000' with many lower patches & deteriorating behind me"

(this is code for other VFR drivers as "I'm still airborne in ground effect, have salt spray on the windscreen & seaweed in the undercarriage"

[VH-XXX]

I've used a similar one before.

ATC: XXX, you've just been through the Kilmore gap, what was the weather like there?

Pilot: Yeah I think it closed in behind me, I wouldn't recommend anyone trying.

(Code for: Cloud was 200ft, I was skud-running all the way)

[MyNameIsIs]

Kinda sounds like:

"How's the weather?"
"5k and 500ft"

Experienced that a few times :E

[Aye Ess]

ATC "Your destination now has 60 mins holding required,advise endurance"
Aeroplane "Amended endurance,now 240mins"
ATC "Where did you get the extra fuel?"
Aeroplane "same place you got the weather"

[18-Wheeler]

Had to do a few ILS into Melbourne many years ago, the weather was pretty low. Got the Sewer Pipe onto the ground each time and when asked what the cloud base was, all I could say was, "fluctuating around a minima."

[nig&nog]

ATC'er must have had something good on the TV to watch this night, back of clock as usual we got from 80nm out cleared to descend 2000, not below DME steps once established on the T-Vasis cleared visual approach, cleared to land, no requirements on ground, taxi to the bay have a good night.

Nig

[Gundog01]

Flying DHC4 Caribou "WMBT XX maintain best speed to the field" :ok:

(I stuffed the sequence and this is a last ditch effort to fix it)

and

"Mel CNT xxxx maintaining FL240"

(I'm maintaing FL240)

"xxx ML CNT G'day)

(I don't care, the guy on the previous sector couldn't be stuffed dealing with you)

[FFG 02]

Some goodies there.

What ever happened to the back page "on the airways" of the Australian Aviation mag?

[puff]

Canned it because apparently CASA started to chase people after stories were published !

[somniferous]

Lostwingnut

Sorry mate, sounds like something I would have done in Darwin.

opps!

[Long John Silver]

One of my favourites:

12 aircraft approaching perth from different radials with the same ETA.

After some thinking time, CENT declares, "all aircraft reduce by 30kts"....

[kam16]

ABC are you TCAS equipped?
ABC negative
Disregard then....:ok:

[Nautilus Blue]

"With your concurrence ABC is direct to..."
("I've already given direct, you have to say yes.")

"Are you happy with the distance between these two?"
("I'm not happy with the distance between these two and I want them off my freq")

"Are you happy with the distance between those two?"
("I'm not accepting that, don't even try to hand them off.")

"FNP due slower preceding traffic..."
"(Oh bugger, FNP isn't an F100 is it.)

"Approach will advise on first contact if speed restrictions can be cancelled."
"(Number one in the sequence has max speed, but its a heavy airbus and we are not hopeful.)

"Change of sequence, cancel fix time, increase to max speed, track direct to a 5 mile final."
("We were correct not to be hopeful.")

[Roger Sir]

"Standby"

I am not actually endorsed to control aircraft on this sector but as we only have one controller available today, for a period of 5 hours, he`s had to take a "short break". Don`t worry though, he has left me specific instructions as to what i can do ( basically nothing other than cross my fingers and hope he returns soon!):ok:


"The Flow has moved you up in the sequence"

Maestro has amended the order again without me noticing.

"Due congestion in the Terminal Area"

I didn`t notice you were that quick and you are now 3 minutes early for approach.

"Request a spot wind and ride report"

I`m not sure if you called and i forgot to tick the appropriate box.

[Dick N. Cider]

Roger Sir,

Did someone say "Libya"?

[ForkTailedDrKiller]

I've used a similar one before.
ATC: XXX, you've just been through the Kilmore gap, what was the weather like there?
Pilot: Yeah I think it closed in behind me, I wouldn't recommend anyone trying.
(Code for: Cloud was 200ft, I was skud-running all the way)

Maybe you have to be at 200' to fully appreciate the Kilmore Gap. We flew through there last Saturday - looked like the Kilmore Basin to me! :E

Dr :8

[hongkongfooey]

Nice one 2 dogs, B717 Vref ( unless extremely light ) and the C310s cruise IAS are approx the same, around 130IAS, good story tho ;)

[slackie]

Not quite a lie, but asking a question that you don't really need the answer too.... One I've used in the past....

"ABC, report your shoe size"

Just wanted the pilot to say something so I could get a reading on the VDF (VHF Direction Finder) so that I could get him in sight.

"Report your birthdate", "...mother's maiden name", "...uncle's address", "...bra size" all work well too.

Usually followed by a "Errrr, say again tower?" and that works just great!!!

[UnderneathTheRadar]

Maybe you have to be at 200' to fully appreciate the Kilmore Gap. We flew through there last Saturday - looked like the Kilmore Basin to me!

If you're not navigating by reference to the headlights of the cars on the freeway then you're too high.....

[morno]

Heard the following by Brisy Tower the other night when one of the Flying Doc B200's had just gotten airborne off 01 with a jet lined up and ready behind them.

"XXX we're looking for speed tonight, not altitude"
Hurry up and get out of the way!

morno

[Jabawocky]

I am surprised that nobody has posted this....

Greg Russell:
You are all getting a 15% pay rise, and we have 200 new controllers to plug the gaps so you guys can have a proper roster and some holidays!

J:E

[propblast]

B717 Vref ( unless extremely light ) and the C310s cruise IAS are approx the same, around 130IAS, good story tho

Don't know what 310 you were flying hongkongfooey, but most of the ones i know of are just a tad faster in the cruise.

Great thread guys here guys. I love it.

[Naverick]

Back in '06 I think at SY 16R, I was on about a 3 mile final......

' K****n *** clear for take off '
' Clear for take off K****n *** '

' K****n *** airborne '

' K****n *** well done!!! '

[Here to Help]

"Maestro delay times accurate"

[das Uber Soldat]

Nice one 2 dogs, B717 Vref ( unless extremely light ) and the C310s cruise IAS are approx the same, around 130IAS, good story tho ;)

Try raising the gear, retracting the flap and starting the 2nd engine :ok:

[Teal]

A long time ago….on night shift, solo tower controller advises an aircraft to report at 5 miles, then promptly falls asleep. Awakes a little while later and assumes aircraft must be close to reporting.

Twr: “XXX, clear to land”

XXX: “If you don’t mind tower we’ll do a 180 and taxi back….”

Hear the full story told by the controller at:
YouTube - Essendon Airport Nostalgia

[aroa]

similar solo twr one, late at night. Approaching a/c gets no response to multiple inbound calls and landing info. As he get closer, still no reponse, so he puts the landing lights on aims the aircraft at the twr and waggles the rudder, then tries flashing the lights on an off. Still no answer.
Maybe the guys died at the desk..??
So he lands, taxis in, parks and ties down. Gathers his kit and walks to the twr and up the stairs. There's a newspaper over the console and, he's not dead, but fast asleep.

So he shouted in this ear "ABC, On the ground at XXX, Cancelling SAR"
That got his attention.!

[VH-XXX]

Heard a very similar story to that last one, however the pilot / aircraft was not at the airport they thought they were!

[gulfairs]

Many Years ago At NZWP a VFR Dominie Call while I was a Bit Busy.I told Him to Stand by.
About 20 min Later the dominie Called up:
"This is 662 standing by:
Around the aerodrome I do fly, I have enough fuel for about an Hour and the I will be without Power."

He was cleared to land immediately!
Gulfairs

[john_tullamarine]

What a ripper thread. Have more than a few similar tales ... which, at my age, I won't relate as I don't need the embarrassment any more ... however ..

And my own personal favourite, since returning to Australia to fly....... At 6000' on a downwind for 34R, abeam the runway.
SYD ATC: "You have 22 track miles to run. descend 4000."
(Get ready lads, I'm going to turn you in for a 5 mile final and take bets on whether you can do it)

Many years ago on the Electra, we were motoring up from LST to SYD late one night at FL300. Bored out of our brains, a bet was taken that one should delay descent (for a displaced noise abatement threshold to the south) until abeam the airfield. The ATC-ers were getting quite agitated as each descent clearance, in turn, was acknowledged .. but not actioned. Still had to put some power on to make the runway ... the Goose was a flexible ship ...

A similar tale, some years later, on the B733. DRW to CNS, westerly wind, expected to be as rough as guts at Cairns .. over the northern threshold at 10000 ft and a very relaxed descending circuit to land into the north. Great fun.

Maybe the guys died at the desk..?? So he lands, taxis in, parks and ties down. Gathers his kit and walks to the twr and up the stairs. There's a newspaper over the console and, he's not dead, but fast asleep.

And, for the complementary situation .. many, many years ago (pre-radar), a fine pair of lads in a Gooney were motoring up from LST to EN .. very late, one night. As rarely happens to (other) freighter pilots, they both nodded off. Eventually, one of them woke up .. quite some many miles north of Melbourne. A quick call to the ATC-er ... some waffle about unforecast stronger winds, quick 180, back down south of Melbourne, quick 180 .. and the flight ended up none the worse for wear at Essendon. Taxying in, the ATC-er asked if the captain might drop in at the tower for a natter. Duly presented himself (perhaps a little apprehensive ?) only to have the ATC-er confide "Jeez, mate, I missed a couple of your calls .. I was sound asleep ... OK if we just write this one off to experience ?" "Not a problem, mate, all's well". Life was a lot more relaxed and fun back in the olden days. And the captain stills flies ... now at a quite respectable age .. one of the Industry's greater legends and all round top bloke.

[Ixixly]

"...Standby, I'll recycle the transponder"
("I completely forgot to turn the Transponder on")

"...That light was working before I left..."
("I was not going to delay this flight because of one bulb blown")

Some Survey goodness!

"Center, weather is no good for the job, request return to field"
("Sensor has **** itself yet again")

"Need a few orbits to calibrate the sensor first"
("Sensor has **** itself yet again")

"Center, Ops Normal, turning onto line 52")
("Sensor has **** itself yet again, but we'll keep going cause we just got here, it took a lot of effort to get this clearance and we don't want you to think we're idiots")

"Clearance for your Survey job is not available due traffic today"
("You did nothing but orbits and delay yesterday, probably cause your Sensor **** itself yet again, I can't be bothered dealing with you today!")

"You can start up and call for clearance and we might be able to squeeze you in"
("Getting sick of you calling us everyday for this BS job, going to do my best to squeeze you in and get rid of you!")

"Got your maps here, not exactly the best time or place to try and do Survey..."
("HAHAHAHAHA, you idiots want to do survey where and when?!")

Been said before but still one of my favourites
"Weather was just above minimas but closing in, probably no good now"
("Holy ****, how did I make it through that?!")

[Fantome]

The old Coffs FSU used to be home to two one-off characters (JR and SS) . JR once repeatedly ignored a local pilot's many calls requesting "radio check . .. how do you read?" Some time later this driver-airframe was up in the office where JR was still on the job. "By the way" , he said to JR ", did you hear me asking you this morning for a radio check?" "Yeah mate. You were two by two ." "Well that's a load of codswallop." "I'm telling you, you were 2 by 2 - too loud and too often."

As for old SS, he wasn't nick-named Slack Stan for nothing, as he came across as casual and laid-back, but truth was this demeanor hid a sharp mind and a man good at his job. In their rest room there were some of the old steel lockers marked C of A (Commonwealth of Australia) , one of which had dymoed on it ESSENTIAL USE ONLY. The locker next to it was Stan's. He had dymoed on it SENSUAL USE ONLY.

Then there was the croppy taxying Wagga late one afternoon "Wagga - ABC taxying Wagga for Hay" "G'day Fred. Hope you make Hay while the sun shines."

This one got a mention on the back page of the afore-mentioned AUSTRALIAN AVIATION when Jim Thorne ran it. It concerned a pilot with a pronounced stammer. There was only one HF frequency workable , and that with difficulty. Ch..Ch..Chris was trying to make an ops normal call , but the Sydney FSU and the Lord Howe FSU (calling each other) were making it hard for anyone else to be heard. Finally Chris managed to get a word in edgeways - "L...Lord Howe I wish y..y..you'd sh .. . shut up!"

KLM pilot on being advised he was a little left on the localiser (thick Dutch accent - ) "Yes... that is correct. And my first officer is a little to the right of it."

[rutan around]

Don't know what 310 you were flying hongkongfooey, but most of the ones i know of are just a tad faster in the cruise.

Great thread guys here guys. I love it.

No mention was made about altitude or turbocharging regarding the Cessna 310. 2 Dogs did say IAS. What IAS do you think you would see at say FL120 in a normally aspirated 310 ?

[tomuchwork]

Italian ATC:

- Coordination in progress(piss off, do not want to give you any "service" at all)

- Unable to approve(see above....)

- unable to give higher cruise level - your Flightplan says FLxxx (see above, lol). Very trendy with Brindisi at the moment even with no traffic around at all. Like a bloody automatically filed Lido FPL really is considering actual FL requirements.

- for this request contact next sector(Roma,Milano, Padua, .....brrrr Brindisi) (which means exactly the same as all above)

- unable to change routing as you are close to contact Zagreb(because the idiotic Lido was filing a FPL from Bergamo to Bari VIA Zagreb airspace(shake head in resignation) and any attempt to organize a much much much shorter routing with Padua(for 20 minutes) fails on the unability of Padua and Brindisi to organize that request which was put forward on EVERY frequency change. Yep - Italian ATC. Part of the Bermuda triangle of ATC (together with France and Spain) here in Europe. Ali and Italian ATC team up very well.

If you hear above phrases the 100th times it stops to be funny.

Ahhhh, and I forgot the "magic" "Franco" on 121.500 ..... Italian speciality and I am quiet sure some boy captains of a famous low cost throw that one out all the time. So bad that sometimes you have to shut down 121,5 (against sop) as this morons interfere with parallel ATC calls more then once.
La dolce vita.........(as long as you don't need to fly there, or drive, or anything else..... :suspect:)

[outnabout]

ATC: Please advise time required for run-ups
(Get your sh!t together if you don't want to sit at holding for hours).

ATC: I have a window of opportunity - can you make X (reporting point) at Y (time).
(Get your sh!t together if you don't want to orbit for hours).

ATC: Heavy, reduce speed to X to allow for traffic landing on crossing runway.
(Give us a second while I see if Top Gun here can actually do a short field landing or will require the full 1800m in a lighty...again).

ATC: Confirm if visual?
Aircraft: Confirm visual - we found a hole.
ATC: (yeah, right. And I still believe in the Tooth Fairy...)

ATC: Hold at X (feature) until further advised.
(Don't get smart with me, Numpty!)

ATC: In with a ground station, say again?
(I was giving a heads up to the next sector about how much of a Numpty you really are, and wondering how in God's sweet name you actually managed to qualify for a licence of any description.)

ATC: Contact 1234 5678 after shutting down.
(Boy, get your wellies. You are in deep sh!t)

ATC: Aircraft X miles South of Y, you have traffic ahead, same altitude, in your 12 o'clock. Currently 7 miles and closing.
(Get your head out of the cockpit and pay attention!)
No response.
ATC: Second Aircraft X miles South of Y, you also have traffic ahead, same altitude in your 12 o'clock. Currently 6 miles and closing.
(FFS, I hope one of you is on this frequency and paying attention.)

ATC: I say again, XYZ, the cloud base is 800 feet, reducing in showers. Showers in area.
(You're VFR, FFS, and on a training solo, do you seriously want to do this?)

Aircraft: ATC, confirm (Aircraft) is to follow traffic currently in my 5 o'clock.
(Are you for real, dude?)
ATC: Aircraft, Affirmative. Follow the (Type) currently in your 5 o'clock.
(Yup. You pIssed me off once too often last week.)

ATC: Be aware that the SIDS departure procedure is (Reads out full SIDS departure procedure).
(Learn to read, shi!t-for-brains, then learn to fly.)

And a couple of my personal favourites:

NotATart: ATC, request 5 miles right of track.
ATC: Due weather?
(WTF? Its CAVOK)
NotATart: Affirmative.
Couple of minutes later.
NotATart: ATC, ready to resume track.
ATC: Confirm clear of weather?
(WTF are you up to?)
NotATart: Affirmative. The FO just wanted to take a pic of his mum's house.

ATC: Redroo, can you make X (position) at Y (time)?
Redroo: I will give her a fair ole kick in the guts, but I reckon we should be able to make that...

[flywatcher]

Tasmania in the winter, blowing a north west gale, rain showers, cloud. Fish spotting aircraft, vfr due low level icing, south east of Launceston, dodging hills and rain showers . Calls Launy tower several times requesting a clearance.
”ABC, Launy Tower, know you are there xxxx, unable to read. If you are looking for a clearance you are cleared from where ever you are, to wherever you want to go, at whatever height you want to fly at, and call again when closer.”
Thank heavens for the good old fashioned practical ATCers who used good old fashioned common sense.

[outnabout]

one more.......

Chopperdude (training) with multiple requests to climb, descend, hover, taxi-hover, all in a confined area of the airport, all during the lunchtime rush hour....
ATC: XYZ Chopperdude, you are cleared to climb, descend and hover. Just stay below 500 feet, and stay over the grass. Repeat - you are to stay below 500 feet, and STAY OVER THE GRASS.

[Ixixly]

Flywatcher, was that one particularly well known Tower guy at Launy who is close to or has just recently retired? Made calls like this a lot and was an absolute pleasure to deal with, if I knew him I'd definitely have to go buy him a beer!!

[flywatcher]

Ixixly, certain well known, and well known for his sense of humour. Believe he retired some years ago. Great guy.

[TCAS FAN]

The biggest lie of all:

"No delay"

[Fantome]

everyone knows - ATC - higher flight levels not available. PLANE - why so? ATC - noise abatement . PLANE - Really? ATC - If you bang into opposite direction traffic it will be very noisy.

remember the ATC chap giving an after lunch speech? - British ATC southern sector, handing over to the French controller -

Brit ATC - Pierre I have five for you
French ATC - I reject them.

Brit ATC - Why ?
Frech - Today we are on strike.

[Interested Passenger]

everyone knows - ATC - higher flight levels not available. PLANE - why so? ATC - noise abatement . PLANE - Really? ATC - If you bang into opposite direction traffic it will be very noisy.

remember the ATC chap giving an after lunch speech? - British ATC southern sector, handing over to the French controller -

Brit ATC - Pierre I have five for you
French ATC - I reject them.

Brit ATC - Why ?
Frech - Today we are on strike.


David Gunsen

[Aussie Bob]

Empty sky:

Pilot to Willy Control: "Request clearance overhead Williamtown to Taree at 2500 if available"

Willy Control: "Clearance not available ...."
(Lets send this Cessna jerk up the beach at 500" after making him orbit at Nobbys a few times .....)

[harrowing]

Surely the 'if available' is superfluous.

[Ixixly]

It is, I do it as well harrowing, guess I have a bit of Canadian in me or something :P

[Ex FSO GRIFFO]

How much can a Canadian 'bear'...??

Cheers

[Fantome]

an awful lot- especially if he drank Canada Dry.

[Aussie Bob]

Surely the 'if available' is superfluous

My bad, perhaps that is why the clearances are not that forthcoming ......

[Ixixly]

You're too polite Aussie Bob, stop letting yourself get pushed around by those ATC jerks, DEMAND!! :D

[Fantome]

My bad? Aussie?

[ClearedIGS]

You're too polite Aussie Bob, stop letting yourself get pushed around by those ATC jerks, DEMAND!! :D
I spent 45 years in ATC. 18 in Australia and 27 in Hong Kong. I strongly object to the term ‘ATC jerks’ Ixixly. What about the pilot jerks? There are jerks in every occupation. In my career I have had to use the following phraseology 5 times. “xxx turn right/left immediately heading zzz, terrain ahead. Maximum rate of climb.” These have all occurred with departures turning towards terrain in IMC immediately after becoming airborne. Ever tried to convince a pilot on instruments that he/she is heading towards terrain? They don’t believe you. I’ve also had to tell 2 aircraft to turn and climb when on instrument approaches. One DC10 was 1800’ when he should have been at 4500’. This was in the days of no labels on the approach radar screen. Very luckily the long grange radar did have labels and for the reason I don’t know to this day, I looked across at it and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The other was a B747 that turned early on an ILS approach and headed straight towards a 3000’ mountain while on descent. Thank goodness that on each of those occasions the pilots concerned listened to ATC.

I’ve had aircraft nose to nose that have punched through their altitudes on climb and descent, (including Australia’s favourite airline.) Aircraft that have descended on the Glide Path while not established on the Localizer.

The thing is that as pilots, you never hear about ATC “saves”. In Hong Kong we had had at least 4 attempted take-offs on a taxiway at night. Each one was saved by the controller issuing a “stop immediately” instruction. On one occasion there was a sweeper truck on the taxiway.

Over the years I have been an advocate for better understanding between pilots and controllers. Before I retired, I used to look after Cathay Pacific Command Course pilots visiting ATC. The most common remark from those pilots was “I thought I knew how ATC worked but until this visit, I really had no idea.”

I have experienced hundreds of hours on aircraft flight decks. I think I have a pretty good idea what goes on and what pilots want from me. The longest I’ve ever had a pilot plugged in watching what I do was a QANTAS Captain friend of mine who sat with me for 10 minutes. Before you start making remarks about ATC jerks, why don’t you try and learn more about the other side of the microphone.

[Ixixly]

My apologies ClearedIGS, It was meant entirely tongue in cheek with my comment and I certainly appreciate everything ATC does for us.

[Squawk7700]

So in summary, you were doing your job that you are paid well for.

[Ixixly]

Let's not turn this into one of those threads Squawk, ATC do a Hard job that they get paid for and so do Pilots, nothing wrong with some healthy rivalry which was the intention of my post but no need for that, keep this as a bit of fun like it was intended!

[Aussie Bob]

ClearedIGS, I think you are taking what is an amusing thread too seriously. I am also sure Willie ATC never refereed to me as a Cessna jerk either but that is what I wrote. I have respect for all controllers, including the Willie ones who, over they years, have often given me exactly what I asked for.

[Fantome]

Too seriously? I think not. While this may be a light-hearted thread, to read what ClearedIGS has said about his not inconsiderable experiences is the best "from the horse's mouth" that I have encountered in years. (Most of us have our sensitivities. Best to disregard a smattering of invective here and there.)

[Plazbot]

Anyone with enough cash can be a pilot. Not so much ATC.

[ClearedIGS]

Let's not turn this into one of those threads Squawk, ATC do a Hard job that they get paid for and so do Pilots, nothing wrong with some healthy rivalry which was the intention of my post but no need for that, keep this as a bit of fun like it was intended!
I’m not taking the thread too seriously and I'm all for a bit of fun. I’ve been quite happy to put up with the jokes and comments about ATC for 45 years. In fact I’ve even contributed some of my own. I also have a few of my own about pilots and most of my closest friends are pilots. It was the terminology “ATC jerks” I objected to.

[Fantome]

Jerks? What is a jerk?

True story. Two members of the Aero Club of Southern Tasmania have fueled up at Devonport prior to crossing Bass Strait to Victoria.

They are putting on their life-jackets. One says to the other, while showing him the red toggle. .. . "Bill , if it comes to it, you will have give this a tug, okay?" "WTF do you mean by that ? " "Well it says it here on this label - JERK TO INFLATE."

(Tasmania is not only home to a hundred appalling incest 'jokes'.)

[jonkster]

I recall a tower controller at the aerodrome I was instructing at, who was bought some introductory flying lessons by his wife, as he had always wanted to try flying.

His first flight and unlike most students at that point he said he was happy to make the radio calIs (and I assumed radio was not going to be a problem) but... right from the taxi call he got it wrong, said things he didn't need to, missed readbacks, and got it all backwards (and was given lots of attitude in the responses from his mates in the tower who knew it was him, "ABC say again aircraft type", "what are your intentions", "ABC I require read back of..." etc etc as well as them adding in some additional curly requirements to make him even more miserable :))

He said afterwards he assumed he would be fine but because all his experience was from the ATC side, when he went to do the aircraft side of the radio he got himself all out of order.

Worse thing for him was after the flight his shift in the tower started where he continued to cop curry poor bugger.

[Fantome]

Makes you wish some people would grow up and know when its okay to be a little frivolous and when to get on with the job in hand without the distraction of , in this case, a bunch of smart-arses . After years of being 'in the loop' , you get to appreciate the true wits (with a short , sharp quip (e.g.the late 'Binos') ) , and to suffer the petty, puerile pricks who, when they are hogging the mic, need to know when to change hands.

[BlockNotAvailable]

"Sequence has changed. Cross (X) at amended (Y)"
Someone in another sector is stuffing with the times to avoid vectoring/holding

"Amended STAR when you're ready"
Yes, I know you'll have to wait to cross an active runway now. No, I didn't make this decision.

"In with the ground, say again"
Someone just opened the line and started talking all over my traffic

"Contact Centre with your request"
I just handed your plan off, please give your airwork speech to the other ATC

"Say again flight planned route"
I'm being checked right now / I'm due for a voice sample review