Quite possibly one of the funniest things a passenger has ever said...

[multi_engined]

Last week on an extended charter we were preparing to depart a CTAF out in the sticks bound for port hedland. When I arrived at the holding point the passenger beside me asked about radio operations and who is controlling airspace in the sticks so I went through the CTAF procedures and how that when we cruise we monitor BN CTR which is a frequency that jets use to make position reports etc. Anyhow with a C210 on finals, the passenger in the back yells out "How did the pilot know there was a plane on finals?" The bloke beside me turned around and said "He tuned up Brisbane centre and they told him there was one comin in". It was just one of those moments I thought i'd just let that one go having a good laugh to myself.

Anybody else have anything similar

[FRQ Charlie Bravo]

Once when explaining the round-out and the role that ground effect played I mentioned that the wing was incredibly efficient when within 1.5 times the wingspan of the ground. My "co-pilot" pax asked why we didn't just fly in ground effect the whole time since it was more efficient. Pretty easy explanation from there of course but funny none-the-less.

FRQ CB

[kingRB]

meat bombing, as i'm strapping on my pilot rig under the wing, the tandem masters walk up with their jumping pax, and the pommy middle age bird says to us "where are the engines?"

She was quite genuine about it too.



We were using a 182.

[The Green Goblin]

Landing a 210 a passenger remarked 'that was a good landing, but it's all autoland these days isn't it?'

Another passenger once frantically grabbed the controls to turn a corner taxiing to stop me from taxiing off the taxiway (didn't know you use your feet to taxi)

A middle aged pommy passenger asked how is the engine connected to the wheels when it is at the front and the gear legs are so skinny?

So when are you going to be a commercial Pilot? (tapping me on the shoulder while in the process of flaring for landing)

I came to the conclusion that most passengers lose their common sense once entering an aeroplane!

:eek:

[eocvictim]

A mate in IT who's on $300k "You guys get paid like $500 grand dont ya?" :{

and I love this one

"Soon you wont even have a job, everyone will be flying around in cars!" Good luck with that. :ok:

[rodrigues]

"All you blokes are glorified Bus drivers, got the easiest job in the world, it's all auto-pilot, all you do is turn on the GPS and go." :mad:

Perhaps they could introduce in-flight entertainment covering the real life of a pilot, so there's a bit more appreciation of the responsibility and numerous hoops required to jump through.

[Horatio Leafblower]

So when are you going to be a commercial Pilot?

Never gets old that one, does it? :ugh:

[Howard Hughes]

Hey Aeroo, do all your passengers think they are going to die? :}

Best one I ever had was a phone call... "what time does the midday plane leave"? After much deliberation (and when I stopped laughing) the best I could come up with was, err..."12"! :E

[eocvictim]

A friend has a relative who works at NCAR. She mentioned being shown through one of their test aircraft, "it was only little", "a golf-air or something".

http://icingalliance.org/meetings/leadership_2006/images/GulfstreamG5_600.jpg :ugh:

[ResumeOwnNav]

After landing and unloading my passengers bags from the C310, one lady passenger asked me "So was that one a single or twin engine plane?"

With the straightest possible face I simply replied "twin"

I still don't know if she was joking.

[mingalababya]

Was having dinner with some friends (with no aviation background) just before I left for China to instruct and was explaining to them about the license conversion process.

Me: "Well I have to sit three written exams and do a checkride to convert my Australian license to the Chinese CAAC license before I can fly over there".

Friend: "What do you have to do to convert it back to an Australian license when you return?"

Me: :confused:

[Timocacy]

At the servo the other day buying a pie and the guy working there says "I didn't know pilots ate meat pies."

[Swift6]

Twenty minute flight to Newman in a Baron - a miner asks "What meal will you be serving today?"

I was so taken back I couldn't think of anything funny to say I just cracked up laughing!

[Jabawocky]

And of course, I get the usual questions everyone else would get: When are you going to get your real licence? (As opposed to the imaginary licence I have at the moment?)

Your problem is you are just too good looking to be a real pilot! ;)

heheheheh...........Now how do I know that! :}

Keep Up the Good Work Girl! :ok:

J

[clear to land]

Number of years ago as a relatively experienced pilot in the RFDS-'Are you getting hours up for your Commercial Licence." A bemused smile and a non-specific 'not exactly' was my best response.:}

[Mach E Avelli]

In the good old days when pax were allowed into the cockpit for a look-see, kid about 12 years old full of curiosity asked how high we were. 'About 10,000 meters'. A few questions later spied the escape rope. 'What's that for ?' 'So the crew can get out in an emergency'.... Silence while he thinks about it then: 'Wow, that must be a long rope!'

But the howler of all time actually came from a relatively new F/O who had been an ATCO in the RAAF. I was doing his line training and because we did international charter work somehow we got into a discussion about the relative merits of the metric system versus the imperial and US systems of measurement. Russia, China, USA and Europe and all that stuff. QFE, QNH blah blah.
Dead serious, he asked if we used statute feet or nautical feet.

[beaver_rotate]

Hey Swift he must have known you were a biccy thrower in a past life ey??

[Pass-A-Frozzo]

Was at Avalon Airshow around a decade ago showing people through a brand new C-130J-30 Super Hercules.

Individual walks up and asks (pointing at Super Hercules) "So is that what they call an aircraft carrier?"

<< I seriously considered saying "Yes, Yes it is!" out of ease >>

(As a side note, what was with the bogan women pointing their children towards the flight deck then leaving for the next 30 minutes.... "No.. don't touch that please.. <slap> it's an engine Fire Handle.. <slap>.... <slap>..")

[Capetonian]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. We're passing through some turbulence, nothing to be alarmed about, please remain in your seats until we're through it, in about 5 minutes time and I'll turn the seat belts off."

Little old lady next to me : "If he'd just drive a little slower it wouldn't be this bumpy ...."

[ules]

Great thread.
I was standing in line at maccas, wearing my uniform, epaulets name tags with aviation company name and logo etc, a group of tourists (for vineyards) approached me and asked me where i parked the coach and how long till the coach leaves. :rolleyes:

[frigatebird]

Was in a line at Ben Gurion airport waiting to catch an Olympic flight back to Athens after a 10 day tour to continue with my 'Grand Tour' leave. First time to the Old Places and Europe. Travelling on an open ticket to get sub-load, and with a beard (back then), the check-in staff were going through my documents with a fine tooth comb, and consulting each other.
A little old lady with an American accent next in the queue said
"Why did you have to be in our queue?"

[Swift6]

Beaver - I must be branded for life then.

At least he didn't ask what movie would be played on board! Then it would have been a choice between Jumanji or Twister!

[multi_engined]

Haha, when passengers ask if if I want to be a commercial pilot someday I usually reply no I prefer to fly people around the bush just for fun

[Look Mum - no hands]

Pax: "Do you want to be a commercial pilot one day?"

Me: "I wanted to, but I'm not a very good pilot....."

(Works best after take-off!)

[The Green Goblin]

I used to say, "still learning this is my first flight cross your fingers for the landing, I've heard it's not that hard"

[lowlite]

I was greeting passengers as they boarded a metro, one pax says " geez thats a big engine, how many cylinders is that? I replied "one" and left it that enjoying the rather confused look on his stupid face..

[multi_engined]

After arriving at Halls creek a passenger asked "why does the altimeter say we are at 1360 feet when we are on the ground?". I told him it was because we were 1360 feet above sea level. After flying back to Broome the same passenger asked "why does the altimeter now show only 50 feet" ???

[bushy]

I once flew a very senior federal politician to Ayers Rock. He insisted in getting right up the front, got very close and personal and said "how's your medical?".
I told him I had a current class one medical certificate.
Not long after that trip, he died.

[wigga]

So the moral of the story is NOT to get up close and personal with bushy?:ok:

[Dances With Dingoes]

Passenger, nervous "How often do these things crash?"

Me, deadly serious "Only once"

[Nose wheel first]

I learned the hard way not to be too nice to over enthusiastic PPL passengers and let them sit up the front beside me.

Apart from the camera in your face and the questions (which i'm more than happy to answer and usually enjoy answering) at critical phases of flight.... this one took the cake.

We had our own set of maps and wiz wheel and things I didn't even know existed.... all which got an airing at various times during the flight..... I guess he thought he was helping me..... then to top it all off my self proclaimed co-pilot for the day turnes around and tells the passengers that it's ok if I have a heart attack or die because he is a private pilot and he will be able to take over and get them all back safely.:ouch::ouch::ouch:

[Grogmonster]

Hey Ules I am with you on that but when questioned about what time the bus leaves I said in five minutes with a straight face. Bugger me if the girl behind the till didn't say that will be 5% of your bill we like to look after bus drivers as that way they come back!!!

[Wildpilot]

Not myself but a pilot I knew flying 206's in Botswana after a long tiring day got the normal joke from the pax whilst loading.

Pax " What film is showing on the flight" ha ha

Pilot " Its called shut up and look out of the window"

Another guy very bush pilot looking got the normal " What meal will you be serving" he answered " do I look like a F@#$ing air hostess.

Flying would be great without the passengers!

[Worrals in the wilds]

Cool thread. :ok:
Personal favourites, in case anyone thought morons were confined to GA flights.

"Is this the Qantas terminal?"
No, it's the Ansett terminal. Thanks for asking. We just hang up that enormous Qantas sign, park all those Qantas aircraft out front and dress everyone in Qantas outfits to fool people.

"But I was only driving the car."
Explanation as to why pax failed to declare a criminal conviction for armed robbery to Immigration.

"...but I always take me rifle on the bus".
Rural pax in an effort to take his rifle as carry on luggage, in the early days of LCCs.

P.S. don't kick or run away from sniffer dogs as it only attracts attention. That said, watching some poor goof tearing around the baggage area with a happy labrador after him brightens up many a staff member's day. :}

[Wally Mk2]

I used to often get this comment when flying a small charter A/C many moons ago.
"Do you want to be a commercial pilot some day"?:ugh:...............used to cringe at first but got used to saying ...........nah am happy to fly around just on my car license!:ok:

Off story a little but what some people believe when it 'appears' to make sense.
Dated a lovely (dumb) gal many years ago now (many many years actually!:{) whom honestly believed one day when we where down at the beach that large steel ships actually went long the water on rails much like a train does due their weight. I backed this story up by saying steel is heavy right? Yes she said I know it is & I said well throw a steel bolt into the water & it goes straight to the bottom so there you go a steel ship can't float so needs wheels to hold it in place. I further bolstered my BS story to the blond wench by saying see those rails over there in that yacht club that lead down into the water? (slip launch rails)Well what do you think they are used for? That's how they launch the boats/ships in the first place!:}
True story...............never married her, thank GOD!:}

Wmk2 ............who still got caught with the wrong one at the end of the day anyway! .....ship ahoy!!!........karma I guess!!!:{

[Fantome]

Wish you could see the photo published years ago of 'Phil the Greek' at the controls of the Royal Flight HS 748. He turns round to the camera with a bemused look on his face. The shot took in at least half of the panel. The 'caption courageous' had him saying "Either the left engine has failed, or it's it's a quarter past two."

[FRQ Charlie Bravo]

At an airshow once back in my US Navy days and the Blue Angels were putting on a display. There were "Navy" emblazoned aircraft parked all over the place as well as Navy recruiting signs galore.

About half-way through the display and standing with a few other friends (all of us in uniform including a few flightsuits) a Budweiser-holding numpty lady pointed to us and said to her numpty children in a half-taunting way "Look at the sailor boys checking out the Air Force action."

[onezeroonethree]

Awesome stories :ok:

I guess everyone in GA gets the "so do you eventually want to become a commercial pilot?" crap... but so far the replies we've all used have been mediocre... surely someone out there has an awesome comeback to this annoying question?!

[Jabawocky]

How about.............

..........WOT!!! Commercials??? And become a pinup boy for BOTY :E

[Tee Emm]

Flying for the RAAF VIP squadron in the Sixties. The VIP was Sir Robert Menzies - the Prime Minister at the time. It was his custom that on engine shut down at destination, he would always visit the cockpit and thank the captain for the trip.

On this occasion, I was F/O in the Convair 440 Metropolitan as we landed at Essendon from Canberra. Runway 35 in use -winds gusty northerlies. The captain was the Commanding Officer of the squadron who was a Wing Commander. This particular captain had a habit of floating the Convair down the runway to achieve a smooth touch down.

Over the fence for Essendon 35 a gust caused the Convair to balloon. The Wingco was caught high with power on and started to see-saw the stick to put the Convair on the runway. The aircraft floated past the control tower then fell out of the sky. It was a real bastard of a landing. The Wingco hauled full reverse and hit the brakes which resulted in galley cupboards flying open and bottles of wine, dishes, cakes and other catering goodies smashing all over the cabin floor making one hell of a liquid mess.

The Wingco was tight-lipped as we taxied to the VIP terminal towards the fleet of waiting Commonwealth cars. I said nothing, but privately thought you really stuffed that one,boss. The Convair came to a smooth almost imperceptible halt and after setting the park brake and cutting the engines, the Wingco opened his side window and placed the PM's flag in its holder so that it fluttered gaily in the northerly breeze. He then turned in his seat to await the Prime Minister's visit to the cockpit to say good-bye.

The cockpit door was opened by the RAAF steward, and the PM walked in. He didn't say the usual well mannered "thank you" this time. I remember he was wearing a trilby hat and overcoat and I could see his well known bushy black eyebrows under that hat. In a grave voice and with a hint of sarcasm he said "Thank you Wing Commander - we arrived safely, despite your efforts". With that, he turned and stepping across the galley area with its debris of broken glasses and wine bottles, made a dignified exit to his waiting limousine. The Wingco gave me a black look when he saw my grin. What he said to me was :mad:

[bushy]

Why not just say "I am a commercial pilot, and this is a commercial aeroplane"
The idea that only scheduled airline flights are commercial is VERY WRONG.

[flyhardmo]

Why not just say "I am a commercial pilot, and this is a commercial aeroplane"
Because that wouldn't be as much fun. :=

Years ago when I was flying in Tanzania, I used to always get "whats the movie" from some smart ass yank that wanted to get a laugh from fellow pax.
"Tanzania's worst aviation disasters" was my answer. Shuts em right up.
Used to get this one all the time as well.
"Are you the pilot"
"You're a bit young to be a pilot"
"What is that", pointing to some switch. I always replied "flux capacitor".
Someone posted earlier that pax leave their brains at home when jumping on a plane. So very true. :ugh:

"You're a woman driver so I thought I was going to die!"
Aeroo, thats :mad:en funny.

[multi_engined]

Looking at a gravel airstrip 800m in length - "so what's the biggest jet you could fly in here?" :/

[das Uber Soldat]

ive been asked the engine setting for a PFL before.

:}

[indamiddle]

as operating cabin crew flying back from europe the choice of meal was lamb or pork. young lady when informed of choice replied "i'd love a pork". my reply "lucky you asked me and not her" (young hostie on the other end of the cart). hostie bolted back to galley, boyfriend beside pax almost in tears laughing. naturally every pax in earshot when asked choice replied that they would like a pork as well. eventually the hostie returned but had great difficulty not cracking up each time she offered the choice of meal!

[Towering Q]

I guess everyone in GA gets the "so do you eventually want to become a commercial pilot?" crap... but so far the replies we've all used have been mediocre... surely someone out there has an awesome comeback to this annoying question?!

I have used this one before...."I would love to become a commercial pilot but unfortunately my narcolepsy condition precludes me from obtaining the required medical."

Usually shuts them up for a while.:ok:

[Aerohooligan]

I had a very positive experience with a passenger the other day - I landed in the 210 and waited for the Navajo and 402 to show up to take the rest of them (something like an 18 person group) and while I was waiting this guy just started asking about the plane. He didn't ask any stupid questions, he didn't talk about imaginary licenses and deathtrap light aircraft, just seemed to have a genuine interest in the aircraft, what my job is like and why I do it. Nice bloke. :ok:

Of course, I've dealt with all the usual crap too. My favourite is when they find out how old I am (22). Scares some of them witless. :}

[empacher48]

he didn't talk about imaginary licenses and deathtrap light aircraft, just seemed to have a genuine interest in the aircraft, what my job is like and why I do it. Nice bloke

I had a guy like that once...

After explaining to him all about the aircraft and showing him how it flies and explaining what everything does, I finally asked him what he did for a living..

"Oh I fly MD-11s for Finnair..." :D

[Altimeters]

Had the same thing happen a while ago too...he was a Cathay Captain and had been for 26 years :ok: good thing I didn't crap on.

There's also an aircraft with City of Wagga Wagga painted on the side of the aircraft and every single flight I ALWAYS get is this plane going to Wagga? I thought we were going to (destination).

To which I usually reply. Yep going to Wagga via Perth then all stations to (destination). :ugh:

[bushy]

When the dynosoars roamed the earth, I used to fly a Vtail Bonanza and was always getting queries about the unusual tail. So I said "yeah, the fin and rudder got broken so we took it off and hammered the tailplane up. It works fine."
But I had to stop saying that, as it appeared that some believed me, and that was not good for business.

[Horatio Leafblower]

I used to fly a lot of miners around in a Chieftain.

Part 103 of the old Coal Mines Regulation Act used to say something to the effect that "the operator of any machine or vehicle will conduct such checks and inspections as required to ensure it is serviceable before use." Hence all pre-use checks were (and still are) referred to in the mining industry as "doing a 103"

I wasn't to know that of course, I are a pylut.

So one of the busted-arse drillers was up the front banging on about how much money he made for the company and telling me that flying was a lot like directional drilling, that he could be a better pilot than me because he was a driller, and that I was an unnecessary wart on the company's arse paid for by the honest sweat of blokes like him. :hmm: :ugh:

Then he started asking about the maintenance etc on the aircraft and he asked me:

"You do a 103 on it every day, dontcha?" to which my answer was (of course):

"What's a 103?" :confused:

Same bloke later arranged a charter for me east coast to west, originating at regional airports because the clients didn't want to use major airports, no names on the pax manifest and the whole job ($18,000) paid for in $50 notes. :rolleyes:
Evidently the money he made drilling holes wasn't enough for him :=

[rmcdonal]

While leading my passengers out to the aircraft "So where is the pilot?" :hmm:
Or my personal pet hate "You look to young to be a pilot" to which I respond, 'fake id, gets me into the pub too'

[Keg]

macca, in a few years time you'll long for the days when someone told you that you look too young to be a pilot. You may get 'you look too young to be a Captain' for a bit so you can still look forward to that.

Sadly I don't think that latter statement is going to affect anyone in QF for quite a while. :{

[Cravenmorehead]

One flight nurse used to love saying "was that a landing or did we just crash".

[Che cows with guns]

My bosses when I was just starting out and looked pretty young 26 or so years ago in the Terrirory. Used to love to say when queried by a passenger as to how young I looked-Oh don't worry he's on work experience.
Now I have little hair and what I do have is going grey :{

[AutopilotEngage]

"Do you want to be a Commercial Pilot one day?"

"I used to be one but got fired for beating up passengers"

[MadMadMike]

Whilst waiting at the holding point in a PT6...

Passenger leans over to talk me 'Ahh you gotta love the sound of a big V8...'

[greybeard]

Employee fitter said to our boss, just as well we have a green aircraft,

???? Why said the boss??

Matches the Pilot,

and he was pretty close to the truth, long time ago, 350 hours, first job on a 210, the 4 seat version, small wheels etc.

:hmm:

[multi_engined]

Whilst waiting at the holding point in a PT6...

Passenger leans over to talk me 'Ahh you gotta love the sound of a big V8...'

Classic!!!

[Captain Nomad]

When answering engine comments with the PT6 I just tell them "It's a jet engine driving a propeller through a reduction gearbox" - always results in an impressed 'Oh!' with raised eyebrows and an inaudible 'swish' as the comment soars over head... :D

Had a (young) student once who was doing circuits and progressing reasonably well apart from a some bouncing problems for a little while. After one lesson I commented that the rubber under the (dirt) runway seemed to be a a bit problematic for him. A week later in a subsequent de-brief with Dad there to hear the progress report he brought it up again, "You mentioned something about the rubber under the runway not helping..." I had to explain that I was only kidding. Poor kid was a bit embarrassed with Dad standing there and all...! Oh to be young and naive again eh?! :}

Synonyms for Naive: youthful, adolescent, green, inexperienced, raw...

[Lodown]

Young and what again????

[777WakeTurbz]

Yeah gotta love the "Do you want to be a Commercial pilot one day" question.

One experience for me wasnt so much what i heard but a look i got one day quite a while back.

Had to fly some cops out to a remote location after a reported shooting. They were informed that their firearms were not to be loaded and stored separately from the ammunition etc to which they agreed and everything was placed in the cargo space of the P68.
After informing them we were about 5mins from the destination i heard the distinct sound of a pump action shotguns slide being worked (long time hunter so i know these sounds). I turned and looked over my shoulder to see both cops look up with something resembling the look a guilty child after being caught doing something they know is very naughty would have on his face. :O
Must have decided he wasnt landing unarmed if the guy was at the airport and reached over the back seat and got his Shotgun and his partners Glock... :=

[Aye Ess]

Before departure in my old GA days,often the pax would hand me their cameras so as I could photograph the group in front of the aircraft.
Trouble was all these fancy cameras had all the doo daads,but I always had to ask them to set them up & tell me which button to push.
Pax:'' Aye,guys....he can drive an aeroplane but he can't drive a camera''
Me: ''Well,we don't do a course in camera ops when getting a pilot's licence''

[Aye Ess]

The props of a PT6 on a Twin Otter are stopped in the feathered position.
Many times a pax would remark to me '' gee,ya wouldn't think that propeller would get much bite on the air like that''

[Aye Ess]

There's always one loud mouth in a charter group.....''Hey,pilot,how are ya? Feeling OK? Not sick?''
Me:''Nah I'm good,ooh,that reminds me,I'm overdue for my medication''

[Aye Ess]

In the old days when pax were encouraged to visit the flight deck of airliners,invariably they would stand,with mouths gaping open as they looked around the various panels. Then ''Wow!! So many buttons!! How DO you know which ones to press?''
Me: ''We have to go to button school in our training''

[Fantome]

Pilot, you look very young. Are you properly licensed to fly paying passengers?

Oh, I'm allowed to fly people who pay and people who don't pay, both kinds. But I don't like flying people who are ageists, sizeists, pissed or unpleasant.
And did you know that the youngest pilot to shoot down a German fighter plane in the Second World War was seventeen years OLD?

(Ah, but what a marvelous thing is hindsight! And a little licence, too.)

Onetime this PF pulled off a greaser unusual for him and the older sardonic PNF said 'Are we down yet?'

Great story in Harry Purvis's 'Outback Airman' about the time his very unco co-pilot was sent back to apologise to the army brass on board for his horrific landing. Some time later one of those men down the back bumped into Harry and asked him were his landings any better? What? says Harry. Well that time at Mascot when you sent your offsider back to tell us the wingco says sorry about the landing. He's been flying a desk lately and hasn't got his eye back in.

[Wildpilot]

Aye ess,

Stop it you joker you!

[VH-XXX]

He didn't ask any stupid questions, he didn't talk about imaginary licenses and deathtrap light aircraft, just seemed to have a genuine interest in the aircraft, what my job is like and why I do it. Nice bloke. http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/thumbs.gif


Sounds like he was about 30 seconds away from trying to read you some scriptures from the bible :rolleyes:

[eocvictim]

Sounds like he was about 30 seconds away from trying to read you some scriptures from the bible

Or Ramp check you.

[CharlieLimaX-Ray]

Did a charter down to Mangalore with a group of ultralight and homebuilders on board for the Easter Sunday airshow.

Captain Ultralight claims the right hand seat complete with headset, to be my trusty copilot in case anything happens to me.

The first question from my man is," have you flown anything decent?"

I replied "are lets see a few C182's, a couple of nice C210's, a very nice B36, a very nice low time PA-31, a new Kingair C-90?"

He replies, " ****box spam cans, get you arse into a Skyfox something that has a bit of performance!'

[PyroTek]

I replied "are lets see a few C182's, a couple of nice C210's, a very nice B36, a very nice low time PA-31, a new Kingair C-90?"

He replies, " ****box spam cans, get you arse into a Skyfox something that has a bit of performance!'

Still laughing at that one :}

[j3pipercub]

Yes, gotta love the weekend warriors. You brought your headset? congratulations, you just qualified for the back-seat, due loading considerations...:}

[Aye Ess]

Loading pax into a C206 for a joyflight.
Pax (in all seriousness) :''Where are the parachutes?''
Me (suppressing laughter): ''We don't have any,but there is a big beach umbrella over the back that we could all hang onto''

And that would shut them up. They thought that was for real!!!

[rodrigues]

Aye ess,

Stop it you joker you!hahaha

It's incredible how many times I've heard "He's a pilot and he can't even..."...I just know somebody is going to say it, as soon as I take more than a second opening a beer, or stall a manual, get bowled in cricket etc etc...It's :mad: ridiculous.

[Aye Ess]

Agreed Rodrigues.... I had a middle aged woman watch me drive a C206 & at the end of the flight she looked at me & said ''Wow,I'll bet you could play an organ''

[PLovett]

I had a middle aged woman watch me drive a C206 & at the end of the flight she looked at me & said ''Wow,I'll bet you could play an organ''

I hope you had the good grace to blush. ;)

[Xcel]

Picked up some punters in the courtesy bus the other day in uniform...

upon reaching the terminal i gave the usual "where to go" etc...

one guy asks "will you be flying us today?"
to which i replied "no he will" - pointing to my offsider...

Punter replies "good cause you cant drive for sh!t"

- dodged some roadkill on the way in...

to the usual questions i try to change the answer each time and come up with a few:
do you want to be a commercial pilot ?

- i thought about it but flying for free is even better
- i cant as im legally blind
- i am but just on the weekends
- you mean your not my flight instructor
- oh no i plan on driving us around today, you got a tape measure i need to check the gate for the wings...

whats the inflight movie?
-its called back of my head , starring me...
-death from above
- oh we dont ahve a movie ... just strippers


hehe you all mock the pax but it would be boring (although easier) without them :}

[Aye Ess]

'' This flight has no inflight movies,however,the pilot will pass around pictures of his kids''

[PLovett]

When asked by a load of passengers, being escorted to the aircraft, who is going to be the pilot, I have sometimes said:

"Didn't you take the option with a pilot?"

Takes a few seconds to sink in but a great ice breaker for the nervous among them. :ok:

[Aye Ess]

When asked where the parachutes are,I have sometimes used the line ''There is only one ....for me!''

When the pax looks bewildered I tell them ''Well,I have to be at the inquiry''

[BBN RADAR]

I have to admit I stole this from a fellow aviator but it's great:

When the curious pax pop the question "So, how long have you been flying?"
Take a second or so and then say "awww, I dunno... what time is it?"
:E

[Aerohooligan]

I don't fly Chieftains (yet), but some of the boys told me this one:

You burn the auxi tanks dry (or almost) before changing to the mains, but the PA31 only has two fuel guages, not four, so you can only see the quantity in the two tanks that are selected. Of course, at some point a jittey passenger will notice the fuel gauges (situated in prime position in the centre of the overhead panel facing down the aisle toward the pax - thanks Piper) reading almost zero.

So what does my smartarse friend do when the pax taps him on the shoulder with a worried look in her eyes, he starts tapping the gauges and muttering 'sh*t, I knew I should have refuelled at Borroloola when I had the chance...!' :ok:

Works even better, I'm told, when you forget to change tanks and the first sign of low auxi fuel is surging on one or both of the donks...

[povopilot]

While increasing power to do the run-ups while backtracking: In extremely dopey alabama accent " Dont this thing have any more power cos it dont look like we're gonna get in the air by the end of the runway "

[777WakeTurbz]

Hahaha Aerohooligan, that is a good one, Ive been asked on many occasion by nervous pax in the front if we have enough fuel after eyeballing those gauges... A lot of the time I would just shrug and say "I think so" and leave it at that. :eek:
On the really nervous ones you can actually see them relax when they see the gauges flick back to full when you switch tanks back to mains... :D:D:D

[billiegirl]

Tee Em,
There should be an entire book dedicated to 34SQN passenger comments... in fact, someone should get hold of 'The Lines' book and get it published. ;-)
The amount of VIP staffers who would ask me if I was in training to be a pilot was phenomenal. They couldn't fathom that military flight-steward could be the actual job.
I once replied to a journalist who scored a ride down the back of an F900 on an election tour, "Yes. When I serve enough tea and coffee without spilling it, I get my pilot's license. And all the General Hands, after enough toilet scrubbing, become Air Traffic Controllers. You're in safe hands up here!"

[pilotty]

A friend of mine out in Africa was asked by some macho ozzy backpackers can we do something that scares us?

He was in an airvan and simply pulled the fuel gauge CB then later on tapped the gauges and told them they have a no fuel and will be going down.

After a minute he pushed in the CB in abd asked if they had been scared enough yet.

It seems they had

[PyroTek]

"It's going to take 4 hours to get there?! Doesn't it take an hour?" - Prospective passengers assuming that by "pilot" I fly airliners, as opposed to GA.

[BGS]

Asked by a scenic pax in Kakadu...

"Do you do scenic flights here at night?"

[Pilotette]

Approaching Lake Eyre last year while it was relatively full, pax asks;

"Is that the ocean?" :ugh:

Me: "Ummm no, we're still in Outback SA"

[eocvictim]

I got the usual "Wow, when did you finished school"

Me "What time is it?" ;)

The day this will annoy me is the day its not asked of me.

[Fantome]

Girl of about four walking through the terminal clutching mummy's hand, sees
Captain Speaking walking towards them. "Mummy, why is that man wearing that broach?"

[717tech]

"I don't fly Chieftains (yet), but some of the boys told me this one:

You burn the auxi tanks dry (or almost) before changing to the mains, but the PA31 only has two fuel guages, not four, so you can only see the quantity in the two tanks that are selected. Of course, at some point a jittey passenger will notice the fuel gauges (situated in prime position in the centre of the overhead panel facing down the aisle toward the pax - thanks Piper) reading almost zero."

Not to mention the glowing red exhaust at night!!! :ok:

[SM227]

I got the usual "Wow, when did you finished school"

Me "What time is it?" http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/wink2.gif

Haha, well my version goes along the lines of:

PAX: "I bet your freinds are jealous, you get to be out of school and down here loading the planes!"

ME: "yep, im sure they all are!"

then there face over the next few minutes goes something like: :confused:......:eek:

[Pedota]

As I retracted the flaps (manual) in a PA-28 after landing the front seat female passenger said:

"Did you land with the hand brake on?"

Thanks BH . . . finger trouble or something!

[Bullethead]

front sea female passenger

Has a lot of potential that one but I'm gunna leave it alone! :E

Regards,
BH.

[Aye Ess]

How often do pilots get asked when walking through the terminal ''Where do we get our bags''.

Invariably we are standing under a HUGE yellow & black sign which says
<<---BAGGAGE COLLECTION

Oh,1000 obusive,sarcastic & smart comments are on the tip of my tongue, but all of them would be construed as rude & management would not see the funny side.....so I say ''Just over there''

[Alistair]

A couple from the Kimberley.

Young Nige walking a group of Bungles pax out to the 'lead sled' is asked how many engines the aircraft has. "Why madam it has but one, you can tell by the propellor on the front of the mighty sled." Madam scans the flight line and notices the P68 parked next to the mighty sled. "How will that one fly when it has no engine...?"

KNX has large tie down cables for the cyclone season. As we walked a group of pax towards them and the high winged aircraft it was great sport pointing them out. It usually went like this "Ladies and Gentlemen, just be a little carefull of the cable on the ground and..(punters look down and...trip...wait for it..) be carefull of the high wing (bang)" It was like shooting fish in a barrell. In the end we gave up pointing them out as the head trauma wasn't worth it. Just chucked it in to the general brief in the office to cover our arse.

[Northbeach]

Dignified British gentleman visiting the United States seated in the right front seat of a Cessna 172. The airport is a remote gravel runway located on an island in the Pacific Northwest surrounded by hills and trees. The wind is blowing the tops off the whitecaps on the ocean, the trees are bending and it is continuous moderate turbulence. It’s just one of those days and we are getting beat up. The wings are rocking, the airplane shaking and it is a hand full all the way down to the runway. I taxi back shut it down, before my passenger disembarks he turns to me and says: “My, that was a sporting course wasn’t it?” It still puts a smile on my face.

[multi_engined]

What's this about parachutes?

Next time a passenger asks just tell them they all have ejection seats!

[quagmire]

Can't forget an episode whilst overtaking a light trainer shortly after departure. My passenger, observing the slower aircraft falling behind us rather quickly, turned to me and said "I didn't know planes could fly backwards".
Made it tough work talking to the tower after that I must say!

[Aye Ess]

While writing out tickets for joyflights,often...

Pax (nervous about the flight) ''We will come back won't we?''

Me ''Well,we haven't left anyone up there yet''

[gupta]

Have none of you ever been in a situation where you have no prior experience??

There are a couple of humourous posts, but most are really arrogant *anks from low time "superior beings"

And yes, I'll stand by this post and take any PM's

[Paul Alfred]

A Pax was getting annoyed because the prop was showing up in her digital photos....."Can you just turn that one off for a sec" :D

[Horatio Leafblower]

Lighten up, Guptar.

It's not as if we're naming anyone or holding a person up to public ridicule. If you can't handle this you must be great fun having a beer after work :rolleyes:

[Snow white]

While writing out tickets for joyflights,often...

Pax (nervous about the flight) ''We will come back won't we?''

Me ''Well,we haven't left anyone up there yet''


I love when pax look at the plane and seriously ask "is this thing safe?"

(nah, I gets kicks outta doing aerobatics in a plane thats about to fall apart)

My fav is calling clear prop with foreigners on board and hearing them all repeat after me. :D

[josephfeatherweight]

Gupta, geez, relax... Easy fix, if you don't enjoy reading them, don't... (Though you've obviously slogged your way through all of them to decide that some meet your standards.)

Punter - "What sort of engine is that?"
Me - "It's a PT6 - basically a small jet engine driving a prop through a gear box".
Punter - "How many cylinders does it have?"
Me - "Eight, mate - just like your Commodore..."

Yes Gupta, I know some people are inexperienced, but it's still funny for those in the know - hence why these little anecdotes are posted on a PILOTS forum.
If the punters didn't exist, we wouldn't have a job, but we can still have a chuckle every now and then...

Joe Lighty

[Ixixly]

Hehehe, you can have all sorts of fun with spectators as well, specially with mums and dads sending their little darlings for their first skydive

Anxious Parent: "Oh, I hope she comes back safe"
Me: "Oh don't worry ma'am, skydiving has a perfect record..."
anxious parent looks slightly relieved
Me: "We've never left one up there"
Me smiling broadly pointing skywards with a now slightly alarmed parent
Me: "Oh, woops, they're waiting for me to go fly the darned thing, pardon me!"
Dash off to fly aircraft!!

[multi_engined]

After diverting a good 30 mile around a thunderstorm which had several strikes of lightening inside...

"Thanks for not flying through that"...

[Aerohooligan]

Made the mistake of telling my pax one day that it was my first flight for the year (just back from Xmas holidays).

Me: 'First flight today, so looking forward to getting airborne.' (bad choice of words I now realise)
Pax (cool as a cucumber): 'Oh boy, I sure am glad we get to be the guinea pigs on your maiden flight!'

The punters sometimes catch us out too, guys. :ok:

[Towering Q]

An old Police Air Wing buddy of mine had a good method for quietening down his often rowdy group of juvenile detainees, on the flight down to the detention center in the city...

In IMC he would yell out to them...."Hey guys, there's another plane in this cloud with us, can you all keep your eyes peeled and try to spot it so we don't crash into it?"

Guaranteed peace and quiet for the rest of the trip with all faces pressed up against the windows in total silence.:ok:

[Aye Ess]

Read recently about a Flying Doctor aircraft called out to a remote station to pick up a patient.

The station wife was at the homestead's airstrip awaiting arrival of the Queenair,and although the aircraft was in the area,the pilot couldn't locate the airstrip.

Pilot contacted the lady by radio & told her he couldn't locate the field & could she advise where she was.

She then replied over the radio ''We're over here...WE. ARE. OVER. HERE!!"

[flyinkiwi]

We were about to go on a scenic in a 206. The pilot was refueling from a hand pumped 40 gal drum, and would pump in some gas, dip the tanks, pause while he did some mental arithmetic, then pump some more in. After the 3rd pause my partner who was by now getting rather nervous blurted out, "for heavens sake, put some more in!" She realized how that must have sounded so she added, "I have money!" To his credit the pilot just smiled and said, "plenty in there for us." I on the other hand was in stitches.:D

[Lapun Tru]

Waiting for my single passenger to board a C206 in PNG in 1970, and loaded up to max with freight and baggage, I saw the passenger walking across the tarmac towards me, holding a polystyrene water bottle.

Me (joking): "Gee, MORE baggage? we're overloaded as it is!":)

Passenger:"Oh, there's not much left in it - I can drink it if you like..."

Me: "OK, that would be great!":E

I had to hide the grin on my face as she promptly upended the bottle and drank the remainder of the water.....

Fortunately, it was a short flight and a toilet stop wasn't required.....;)