View Full Version : Need A Good Comeback


coatimundi
8th Dec 2009, 17:08
There is one particular helicopter pilot working in the North Sea who, if he doesn't get an immediate answer on his first radio call to an offshore installation, will say "Sorry to have woken you up" when we do eventually reply. He's done this to me at least twice over the years, and he's done it again to some other poor b:mad:d in my vicinity this morning.

We offshore Radio Ops are only rarely fast asleep when on watch, we have phones to answer, the Vantage system needs updating, our radios may be on the blink and we have to make our own tea. There are plenty of valid reasons why we are not poised over a hot radio awaiting the call from the Master:{

I'd love to be able to give a suitably witty response to this character, but being only a poor downtrodden R/O of very little brain, have not come up with anything suitably devastating. Could one of you flying Brainiacs give me a killer reply to ensure we don't all end up with inferiority complexes out here?

Ta muchly :ok:



bearfoil
8th Dec 2009, 17:14
"No worries, had to get up to answer your call anyway."

Foxy Loxy
8th Dec 2009, 17:15
"Sorry about that, just needed to fill in seven across before I forgot it again." :}

Cardinal Puff
8th Dec 2009, 17:17
That's OK. Just stepped out to release a pilot back into the wild but ran out of bogroll.

ShyTorque
8th Dec 2009, 17:21
"Oi - you made me drop a stitch!"

mixture
8th Dec 2009, 17:26
"Didn't hear your first call, was busy hoovering up my biscuit crumbs"

birrddog
8th Dec 2009, 17:29
"No problem. Please [remain outside my zone/enter the hold/etc] while I [insert what you do when you wake up that will take a long time]" and then offer an extended routing via some out of the way (or range) location.

Similar to this one...
Approach More from our "Don't get wise with us" file: A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...
Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."
Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

mixture
8th Dec 2009, 17:32
How about something creative using CAP413 .....

"Pass your message, speak slower, words twice".

Not sure if that passes for a valid construct in CAP413 grammar, but you get the idea .... :ok:

Beer_n_Tabs
8th Dec 2009, 17:34
"Sorry, was just wiping my kn0b on the curtains.....your wife says 'hi' by the way"

:ok:

xraydice
8th Dec 2009, 17:36
coatimundi,
your response should be "your call is inportant to us and will be answered shortly, you are number 3 in the queue" hum greensleves or some other tune.

It wont be the first time he's heard that ...............

tony draper
8th Dec 2009, 17:43
"I don't mind but your wife does" :rolleyes:

Sprogget
8th Dec 2009, 17:44
I've got your mum here - she loves it!

My Lovely Horse
8th Dec 2009, 17:56
"Station Calling - Readability 2" - "Try Box 2"
"Sorry Sir you are still readability 2"
"If you are XXXX Callsign please make a right turn of 90degrees to identify".
Or
"Please carry out a lost comms proceedural approach"

Make him sweat...arrogant arse

Gordy
8th Dec 2009, 18:17
"Excuse me honey, let me just answer this asshole on the radio"........."ooops sorry about the hot mike...N1234 go ahead"

Checkboard
8th Dec 2009, 18:35
"Guard!" :hmm:

anotherthing
8th Dec 2009, 18:46
"Station calling say again, I've just turned the bullsh!t filter down"

lomapaseo
8th Dec 2009, 18:53
Not a problem, I just had to waddle across the room to fetch a new roll of toilet paper

rgbrock1
8th Dec 2009, 18:56
I was just checking the status of the Tsunami which was reported headed your direction. Sorry I took so long.

CityofFlight
8th Dec 2009, 18:57
"..was just taking message. Farmer wants you to return that sheep you just took"

con-pilot
8th Dec 2009, 19:03
might as well be me.

So, lets see here.

There is one particular helicopter pilot working in the North Sea who, if he doesn't get an immediate answer on his first radio call to an offshore installation, will say "Sorry to have woken you up" when we do eventually reply. He's done this to me at least twice over the years, and he's done it again to some other poor bd in my vicinity this morning.


Wow, "at least twice over the years", my God, how irritating! I just cannot understand how you were able to keep your sanity. Hmm, "years", just how many years are we talking about, two, three, four maybe even five years? My goodness, I can clearly see why you would be upset over this, the pressure of waiting for over all these years to have this pilot to do this terrible thing to you three times must be nearly unbearable.

We offshore Radio Ops are only rarely fast asleep when on watch, we have phones to answer, the Vantage system needs updating, our radios may be on the blink and we have to make our own tea. There are plenty of valid reasons why we are not poised over a hot radio awaiting the call from the Master

Well, you're "only rarely fast asleep" while on duty. So I guess all those little cat naps don't count, well I can understand that, with all the pressure you must be under because you must answer the phone. Now let's see, what should take priority, answer the phone from someone that could very easily be requested to hold while you answer the radio from a helicopter pilot, or just leave the pilot hanging while you take the time to answer the phone to chat. Oh well, what the heck, the helicopter probably has plenty of fuel and chances are it is not on fire, so yeah, go ahead and answer the land line.

Well I never, you have to make your own tea! Scandalous I tell you, absolutely scandalous. As you believe that this is so important, who makes the pilot's tea? Or do pilots not count when it comes to tea? I don't see why pilots can't have tea? Perhaps they just land in the ocean, make their tea and when finished they fly off toward you and with uncanny timing call you just as you are making tea. Yes, I can see how this would be very annoying to you and your mates. So screw the pilot, tell him to wait until you are finished with your tea, shoot they can just hover out there somewhere until you are ready to answer him. If anything goes wrong there is a lot of water to land on out there.

Now I'm sure that "there are plenty of valid reasons why we are not poised over a hot radio awaiting the call from the Master". One would be, I would assume, going to the toilet, all pilots understand the need to go to the toilet. Yes, I realize that you may be surprised about this, but even helicopter pilots must go to the toilet.

So, there's your good comeback, "Sorry, I was in the toilet.". After all, those helicopters have toilets for the pilots to use................oh wait. :ooh:

rgbrock1
8th Dec 2009, 19:07
Geez con, a bit on edge are we? Decaf might be in order. Since you seem to be in Oklahoma I guess it's, what, 13:00 by you now? Well, that's past the noon hour so perhaps a single-malt might be on order?:ok::):p

Just sayin'!

birrddog
8th Dec 2009, 19:08
c-p, did the ATCO give you a bad clearance last night? :E

con-pilot
8th Dec 2009, 19:17
Naw you two, de devil made me do it. Somebody has to take the other side. :p

This is Jet Blast after all. :ok:

And my post was not directed to proper Air Traffic Controllers. However, I have to tell you that I have flown in parts of the world that where all the reasons the original poster claimed that prevented him from answering the radio are valid reasons to them as well.

One of the best.

"XXXX Control, N1234, over." repeated five times coming up on a FIR boundary.

"N1234, we are praying down here, we call you back."

So we hit the fix on the FIR boundary and hold for fifteen minutes before they called us back and gave us our clearence.

Foxy Loxy
8th Dec 2009, 19:19
Con.... :=

There are many, many reasons why an ATCO may not be able reply immediately...

Apart from the usual, co-ordination with other units - that kind of thing - even more important are those essentials in life that keep your ATCO a healthy, happy person.

Namely:
1) If, as an ATCO, you are interrupted mid-chocolate biscuit, it is NEVER acceptable to put it down and go back to it later. To do so will mean crumbs on the FPS display. That's messy.

2) If an ATCO's tea is cooling, and is *almost* too cold, the ATCO makes a split-second decision. If, by replying to the transmission immediately the aforementioned tea will drop to an undrinkable temperature, then the priority is to down the tea. The ATCO is then better equipped, by simple virtue of being happy, to take the call.

Those two points, as well as others are published in MATS Pt. 1.*


I hope that answers some of your queries. :)











* In invisible ink ;)

con-pilot
8th Dec 2009, 19:29
Foxy, please read my second post. My first post in no way was directed toward real Air Traffic Controllers. In my wildest imagination I could not ever believe that a proper ATC would say that they only occasionally fell fast asleep.

After over 40 years of flying all over this old globe we live on I realize that there are many reasons that that my initial call is not answered and I never give it a second thought. I have missed a few call in my career as well, but never because I was making tea. :p

But I do understand the old 'on the land line' trick, used it myself I have. ;)

Foxy Loxy
8th Dec 2009, 19:36
Con, my dear, we cross-posted :O

But I do understand the old 'on the land line' trick, used it myself I have. Quite often it's actually true!

In all seriousness, I have flown commercially as pilot's assistant many times. I do know what life is like the other side of the office. Tepid coffee and stale sarnies, I know we live in the lap of (relative) luxury down here in our glass towers! ;)

Oh and,
I could not ever believe that a proper ATC would say that they only occasionally fell fast asleep.

Always alert, always ready. :ok:

ab33t
8th Dec 2009, 20:18
How about "Stanby"

ChrisVJ
8th Dec 2009, 21:32
With respect, and as a dispasionate outsider who will, I hope, never fly helicopters over the North Sea:

The last two major "At Sea" helicopter disasters the pilots have had remarkably little time to pass the message. Maybe he's the nervous type and likes to be sure someone is actually listening.

Smart Alec answers are wonderful on Pprune but maybe reassurance is more suitable.

Lon More
8th Dec 2009, 21:38
"Calling Maastricht, go away" always worked for me.

Keef
8th Dec 2009, 22:53
Helicopter XYZ, were you looking for a landing clearance today?

Rollingthunder
8th Dec 2009, 23:01
"Was looking for tin of biccies for our tea". Tell me you're awake!"

BarbiesBoyfriend
8th Dec 2009, 23:09
You know, I hate to agree with con-pilot (not kidding).

I think he's got this one right, tho'.:eek:

In my experience, things I thought would be funny things to say on the radio tend to fall flat.

Later, I usually wished I'd not said them.:suspect: (for example, when asked at DUS if we could go from the intersection, 'Jawohl!')

Whatever comeback you're seeking here, to redress the terrible affliction of a teensy windup that happens every 18 months or so, I suggest you overlook.


After all, if you offend him, he might not come back. And if his mates take the huff too, you might lose your job, and have to seek work as a rent boy.

And we don't want that to happen, do we?

Tail. Dog.

coatimundi
9th Dec 2009, 06:29
Thanks guys, for all the useful ammunition in here...:ok:

To those (mostly from across the Atlantic) who seem to have taken this seriously, may I point out that this has been posted in "Jet Blast" and not the ATC or Rotorheads forum. :ugh:

And to Con-Pilot who is worried about the helicopter pilot's tea - yes we do arrange tea, coffee, full breakfasts and lunches for them. Worryingly enough, many of them ask for "Sticky Buns" at the same time.

No wonder our helicopters are always flying along nose-down...:}

Time for another nap, 78A is not due for another 10 minutes...

RJM
9th Dec 2009, 07:55
I know it's not usual to praise fellow PPRuNers outright, but that post (preceding, re ATCO's) of con-pilot's is Vintage PPRuNe and should be bottled. I've read it three times and spilled my drink each time. Cheers, con-pilot!

ExSp33db1rd
9th Dec 2009, 09:21
or : " This is Bombay, Bombay - shut up Delhi."

( where's Mumbai ? and why ? )

tailstrikecharles
9th Dec 2009, 11:41
There is one particular helicopter pilot working in the North Sea who, if he doesn't get an immediate answer on his first radio call to an offshore installation, will say "Sorry to have woken you up"


The largest balloon is easily woken.....

by a little PRICK :p

SyllogismCheck
9th Dec 2009, 18:33
Make your pilot read this (http://www.pprune.org/jet-blast/398170-art-cheating-how-do-not-get-caught-unless-you-want.html). Should numb the smart humour right out of him.
Should numb everything out of him come to that. It did me.

con-pilot
9th Dec 2009, 19:31
And to Con-Pilot who is worried about the helicopter pilot's tea - yes we do arrange tea, coffee, full breakfasts and lunches for them. Worryingly enough, many of them ask for "Sticky Buns" at the same time.


You do, well that changes everything. Next time tell him to bugger off and be nice or they'll get no tea, tell them I said so. :p

rgbrock1
9th Dec 2009, 19:42
Or you can continue giving them their sticky buns. (What are sticky buns anyway? Inquiring Yank minds wanna know!) But they just might be sticky for an entirely different reason!!!!! :eek::eek:

birrddog
9th Dec 2009, 20:49
Or give them burnt sticky buns and cold tea, and when they complain tell them sorry, we were too busy manning the radio to pay attention to baking your sticky buns ;)

Perhaps not the cold tea, that might just be too much below the belt :p

barry lloyd
9th Dec 2009, 21:12
Or you can continue giving them their sticky buns. (What are sticky buns anyway? Inquiring Yank minds wanna know!) But they just might be sticky for an entirely different reason!!!!!

Sorry old chap, but it's top secret. The reason for this is that our (so-called) civil servants are very fond of sticky buns, and therefore the recipe is top secret. Even the special relationship can't be invoked for this one.
However, since it's quite late here in the UK, the civil serpents will have gone home and I might accidentally have posted it. Please print it off, read it and swallow it - it'll taste a bit like a sticky bun:)

An iced (sticky) bun is a bread roll made to a sweet recipe with an icing sugar glaze covering the top. They often have a small amount of raspberry or strawberry jam in the centre, which oozes out when bitten into.

Dr Illitout
9th Dec 2009, 22:52
Ask him for his call sign again, start crying , go off with stress saying he is bullying you and sue his firm for millions! Works in the "City"

Rgds Dr I