Noisy Mansions recently embarked on a very stressful bathroom refurb and decided to abolish the bath for a nice modern shower (marvellous), a sink that you could swim in (nice) and a new fangled 'low flush' environmentally friendly 'seat' (:ugh:). All lovely and Mrs N is beside herself with joy. I on the other hand, am beside myself with poverty (although that's another matter).

It's all grand except for the aforementioned sh!tter, which appears to not have a clue what it's primary function is i.e. to flush away the gremlins.
It's not been made any less annoying by adverts in the papers placed by the weird beards at DEFRA telling us 'Water, Use it, Don't waste it', which is hard to do when you're having to flush three times (and get a stick out to beat the gremlins back down again). The sandal wearing, raffia clad Lollo Rosso munchers have now prolonged my stay in the smelly room and I'm using more water than ever before. Can't wait for the next water bill to arrive!

Aaarrgghh!:ugh:

If the shower is working correctly you shouldn't need to flush :}



But seriously folks ......Old saying in Oz....

"If it's yellow let it mellow,
If it's brown flush it down"

One's M-I-L has a posh Villeroy & Boch throne with button number one for number ones and a button number two, too.

Get one of the Japanese toilets that will spray your arse with warm water and blow it dry. Trust me - you will never want to dethrone once you have one.

I c**p at work, 'tis free. Nothing like a good one whilst being paid...:}

You know it's a good one when you come back & your screensaver is on...

I c**p at work, 'tis free. Nothing like a good one whilst being paid...

I had a boss like that.
Every day at the same time each morning he would seek out a 'magazine' from the office 'library' (that we subscribed to ;-) and take himself off for twenty minutes for a tom tit . . .
As regular as clockwork.

I c**p at work, 'tis free. Nothing like a good one whilst being paid...http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/badteeth.gif

I'm told there's an 'app' on the iPhone that can work out how much you've been paid whilst in the traps at work. Haven't found it yet. Mind you, paper at our place is akin to 600 wet&dry so one tends to go at home where one's delicate booty has softy paper.

What's all the flush nonsense? At More Mansions one shouts "Gardez loo" down the hole before one squats; the night-soil man comes round once a week which gives the peasants a chance to search for any undigested bits of sweet corn or other such delicacies.

At More Mansions one shouts "Gardez loo" down the hole before one squats; ...

We were to poor to have an 'ole in the ground; we 'ad to go and shit in the lake.

I c**p at work, 'tis free. Nothing like a good one whilst being paid...

I used to work with someone who refused to crap at home on principal, so he always got paid for it. Weekends weren't too bad but apparently his holidays were somewhat of a problem.

move to hong kong... they use sea water to flush the looooo. problem solved :8

I too c**p at work. I feel it a fitting, and symbolic, gesture. The only problem I see is that after finishing doing my thing on the porcelain throne, what I deposited there seems to reappear. With legs. And runs around for the rest of the day posing as my colleagues. Hmm. Must be some meaning there somewhere.

move to hong kong... they use sea water to flush the looooo. problem solved

Then let it run straight back into the sea. They also use the sea water for the live fish in the restaurants.

Go to HK and get your own back.... and someone else's harbour trout. :yuk:

.

Satisfaction is served by a loud splash and a good whoosh as you leave.

Lacking both leaves one unfulfilled. With these new fangled low-water-use crappers the satisfying whoosh and gurgle is gone, so we tend to make up for it with multiple flushes. The manufacturers of these things need to figure out a way to make them noiser again.

How many times have we stood outside a locked bathroom door waiting to hear that ending flush to know that our turn will soon be next.

Quote Load Toad: "Get one of the Japanese toilets that will spray your arse with warm water and blow it dry. Trust me - you will never want to dethrone once you have one."

Unless the buttons and instructions are in Japanese - and you don't read Japanese. Start pressing those buttons at random (especially after a few sherberts), I can guarentee one will be leaping off the throne in no time with a look of utter shock and suprise on one's visage.

"Get one of the Japanese toilets that will spray your arse with warm water and blow it dry.
Just don't press the ATR button.

Better yet, get one of the Dutch ones, with a special ledge to catch your handiwork for inspection, measure it for records, etc. before flushing.

(Or to leave it on full display for the next person along to be able to admire)

I can guarentee one will be leaping off the throne in no time with a look of utter shock and suprise on one's visage.

... quite possibly along with a degree of clenching to which one had never previously aspired, or ever hoped to have to achieve. :eek:

I figure that since we're on this sh**y subject (hardy-hardy-har-har) we might as well
define the types of c**p one might leave behind. Here's my top-five list:

1. A New Land Is Born Crap: You leave so much crap behind you can't even see any water.

2. A-Bomb Crap: This one shoots down so fast - close to the speed of sound - that the resulting mushroom cloud of water sprays your cheeks, the backs of your thighs and, if you're really unlucky, your trousers as well.

3.Air Crap: You proceed to sit on the throne thinking you're going to let loose a big one. But all you do is fart uncontrollably. And your guests are waiting in the other room.

4. Beer Drunk and Meat Pie Crap:
Usually happens the day after the night before. Normally your crap doesn't smell that bad. Usually happens at someone else's house with someone waiting outside the bathroom door... waiting....(And if the person waiting... and waiting.... happens to be that girl/lady you were trying to impress.... well......)

And then finally:

5.. The Blitkrieg Crap:
Assaults you violently without warning or provocation. Highly powerful and quite noisy really. Thoroughly disgusting and inconvenient. Tears you a new butt hole, then goose steps around the U-bend leaving you gasping.

To add to rgbrock1's fine list, my daughter has also in the past referred to "the shart", a hybrid that leads to a high degree of pebble-dashing of the aforementioned porcelain.

I am flushed with exertion reading these crappy contributions to such a sh*tty topic. I suggest that we heave this thread out, drop it quickly, so we can move on to a topic not surrounded by ar*eholes.

(No coat, hat, I'm off)

They used to be called "floaters"

But according to a street wise seven year old I know they are now called -

"Anthony Hamiltons" (Father of F1 driver)

Small, brown and round and won't go away !!

Get outta here, AO; yer yankin' my chain. :ok:

This lavatorial topic brings to mind of a former colleague who every day without fail would purge his intestinal tract at work.

No great problems with that I might add, but he would always fill up the bowl with copious amounts of toilet paper prior to performing his ablutions.

This act ensured that when he deposited his bodily waste into the porcelain, none of the aforementioned waste would submerge into the water which ensured that anyone entering the bog after this dirty ba$tard would share the inevitable aromatics as he would never flush after doing the business.

I have had the misfortune to 'follow on' from this guy on numerous occasions and I could only liken the view to a bowl of stranded brown trout on a good day to a very large chocolate 'Mister Whippy' floating on a life raft when gastric turbulence was obviously apparent on a bad day.

It would take quite a few flushes to clear the crapper and at times, the water and offending contents came perilously close to overflowing the bowl during the process due to the substantial blockage.

What was worrying was that this act was his claim to fame within our workplace and he was quite proud of his actions - until he was made redundant!

Get one of the Japanese toilets that will spray your arse with warm water and blow it dry. Trust me - you will never want to dethrone once you have one.
... especially if you sit the other way round :E

passy777:

Which means your colleague - Bob the Builder - although made redundant is probably happily plying his trade elsewhere. Which can make for a nice correlation back to the deja vu thread posted earlier! :ok:

I moved in to new lodgings earlier this year, and found an unexpected cause of voidus interruptus: limescale.They'd been using this "eco friendly" toilet cleaner that did nothing to stop limescale, with the result that the bottom of the bowl was like sandpaper, and the gremlins were sticking. The greenies in the house were not pleased that I brought in hard chemicals that cost 1/3 what their "planet-friendly" cleaner did, but some jobs (!) need the hard stuff.

Aye, you need to bring in the cavalry when you have a nasty dose of the klingons.

Quote: Get one of the Japanese toilets that will spray your arse with warm water and blow it dry. Trust me - you will never want to dethrone once you have one.

I reckon the entire entourage of English language teachers had the most beatific smiles entirely due to those beeyootiful loos in the Osaka airport hotel.

rgbrock1

Which means your colleague - Bob the Builder - although made redundant is probably happily plying his trade elsewhere. Which can make for a nice correlation back to the deja vu thread posted earlier! http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.pprune.org/get/images/smilies/thumbs.gif

This is surreal..................

He is actually called Bob and he now works for a local builders merchant, however, I suspect that you are not wrong when suggesting he will be performing his 'act' at his new workplace!

The best one I heard was from a Yorkshireman friend who, having visited the lav in the local hostelry exclaimed " I sat down and it 'cem owt like a flock of Sparrows"

Funnily enuf, went to the quack today about my toilet habits.

I told him that I went every day at 06.30 am.

He said " Can't see the problem ol' son"

I replied " I don't get up til eight"

Yeah I know

SGC

Well Sir George, I guess it all Depends, eh?!!!!